Does sympathy take effort?

[Quinlan]

I was wondering about this because sometimes I see people 'rationing' how much they sympathise based on things like how deserving the other person is, that kind of thing. Whereas for me it is pretty much automatic to step into the shoes of other people and try and see how they feel, even to my own detriment. I do have my blindspots though, where giving sympathy to a person does take effort, I'm just wondering if some people have much bigger blind spots.

Edit: I may be a bit off on my understanding of empathy vs sympathy, empathy is experiencing the feelings of others yourself and sympathy is understanding (or attempting to understand) the feelings of others but not necessarily feeling them yourself, is that right?

 

[Rhapsody]

Whereas for me it is pretty much automatic to step into the shoes of other people and try and see how they feel, even to my own detriment.

This is me usually. For instance, a couple years ago, my roommate and I signed a lease for an apartment and put down a deposit for it. At the last minute, the realty company informed us they'd given the apartment to someone else temporarily and they didn't know when we'd be able to move in. My roommate was furious, but when the realty company explained the jam they were in that had led to their decision, I actually felt really bad for them (and then it later turned out that they were probably just scamming us, heh ...).

The times I have the biggest problem sympathizing is when my stupid ego is in the mix. If someone gets mad at me or makes me feel bad about myself in any way, it takes a lot of effort for me to look at the situation from their perspective. It's the same if someone is pressuring me to do something when I don't think they have the right to.

There have also been times when I've purposely tried to withhold sympathy because I think I am too sympathetic and need to become more critical (this sounds harsh, but it's usually in situations where I've realized a person is the cause of the problem they've come to me about and I don't want to keep enabling them ... but I usually fail at withholding sympathy in the end anyway. )

And your definitions of sympathy and empathy are the ones I go by!

 

[Prototype]

Sometimes,... I guess it depends on the person you sympathize with, and how much you value their feelings... Other times it can be quite the pain in the ass. For the most part, I try to be as sympathetic as possible, good favoured feelings can pay off in the long run.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Simpathy doesn't require effort.


Faking of simpathy requires effort.

 

[Stanton Moore]

I was wondering about this because sometimes I see people 'rationing' how much they sympathise based on things like how deserving the other person is, that kind of thing. Whereas for me it is pretty much automatic to step into the shoes of other people and try and see how they feel, even to my own detriment. I do have my blindspots though, where giving sympathy to a person does take effort, I'm just wondering if some people have much bigger blind spots.

Edit: I may be a bit off on my understanding of empathy vs sympathy, empathy is experiencing the feelings of others yourself and sympathy is understanding (or attempting to understand) the feelings of others but not necessarily feeling them yourself, is that right?

My spidey sense tells me that the rationing you are referring to is a form of self-protection; it may be a way to prevent the sense of overwhelment that can come when an emotionally fearful (or uncertain) person feels something very strongly. Using the excuse that you need to acertain the other person's worthiness points strongly to this conclusion. It's a way of using judgment to avoid feelings.

 

[Quinlan]

Simpathy doesn't require effort.


Faking of simpathy requires effort.

Could you elaborate? If it takes no effort why would you ever need to fake it?

 

[juggernaut]

I have a lot less difficulty with sympathy than I do with empathy. Sympathy involves a more objective stance so I can step back and reason my way to understanding, without trying to feel (or actually feeling) what the other person is feeling. For example, when I see a friend upset over the loss of something important, I can look at the situation and understand, objectively, that that situation is painful for that person. Empathy, on the other hand, I just cannot do. When someone else's pain oozes onto or into me I feel like I've been set aflame after gasoline has been poured over my head. I just want to stop, drop and roll...or run far, far away.

 

[Jeffster]

I think sometimes showing my sympathy for people requires effort. The sympathy itself comes very naturally. I freely admit to crying at "Long Distance Dedications" on American Top 40.

 

[Wiley45]

I feel sympathy very easily, and tend to have to work harder at reserving my sympathy for those I can actually help or those who are truly deserving. (IMO, not everyone who cries victim deserves sympathy or help.)

 

[Quinlan]

I have a lot less difficulty with sympathy than I do with empathy. Sympathy involves a more objective stance so I can step back and reason my way to understanding, without trying to feel (or actually feeling) what the other person is actually feeling. For example, when I see a friend upset over the loss of something important, I can look at the situation and understand, objectively, that that situation is painful for that person. Empathy, on the other hand, I just cannot do. When someone else's pain oozes onto or into me I feel like I've been set aflame after gasoline has been poured over my head. I just want to stop, drop and roll...or run far, far away.

I'm thankful that my automatic response is limited to sympathy, my ESFJ wife is like a sponge, she can't help but feel whatever the people around her are feeling. Maybe that is why ESFJs tend to go well with ISFPs? We have near bottomless optimism and positive vibes for them to soak in.

 

[juggernaut]

I'm thankful that my automatic response is limited to sympathy, my ESFJ wife is like a sponge, she can't help but feel whatever the people around her are feeling. Maybe that is why ESFJs tend to go well with ISFPs? We have near bottomless optimism and positive vibes for them to soak in.

I would completely lose my marbles if I woke up with a curse like that. I sometimes wonder if there wasn't a time when I was a serious feeler (as a small child maybe) because it makes me so completely uncomfortable to be around people in pain. It makes me feel so anxious and nauseated, I just cannot bear it.

 

[Quinlan]

I would completely lose my marbles if I woke up with a curse like that. I sometimes wonder if there wasn't a time when I was a serious feeler (as a small child maybe) because it makes me so completely uncomfortable to be around people in pain. It makes me feel so anxious and nauseated, I just cannot bear it.

Could be the opposite, maybe as a thinking child you avoided and never became accustomed to that feeling? Although now that I think about it, I never know what to do around someone that is very upset, I feel lost and clam up. Maybe that's weird for a feeler? Physical pain in others makes me cringe also.

 

[juggernaut]

You know that's a very astute observation. My kookie ESFJ mom certainly didn't make emotion look pretty, and my ENTJ dad has only one speed...conquer!! Perhaps that's where the panic comes from. Then again, maybe that 13% feeling is all locked up in this sort of sicko-brand of empathy...

No wonder I don't want to do it!

 

[Wade Wilson]

It's a total on/off thing for me. For example, in a huge catastrophe, I can single out my sympathy for certain individuals while not caring about others. If a person has some quality I find redeeming I can do it. Everyone else is just meat.

I can empathize with people but it doesn't mean I care. It just means I can try and mold their mood to my liking.

 

[Nonsensical]

Not for me, honestly. I've always been a very strong F. maybe even too strong at times. I've felt I've always had a natural knack for sympathy, I use it everyday non-stop. I never remember struggling with it, and never had to try to learn it. I guess someone people have it, and some don't. Everyone can develop it, though, it's not limited to Fs over Ts. Give it a Go!

 

[ergophobe]

I've been pondering this myself as I worked on my own EN?P mystery.

Sympathy is easy -- giving people the benefit of doubt without judgment seems natural. Just appreciating them for who they are, for their flaws and for the events they encounter (a consequence of their own doing or not, most people are profoundly affected by life events).

The empathy is a lot harder. It only happens if I have actually been in a similar position. When that is the case, it's not necessary that I want to revisit that place but it makes the empathy sincere when it emerges. See, this is what makes me think t.

 

[wolfy]

That's a really hard question to answer. I don't know. I think both sympathy and empathy take a lot of effort. That's too hard of a question for a simple guy like me.

 

[Lethe]

In my case, I have proficient empathy yet terrible sympathy. It's almost impossible for me to offer a comforting hand when I cannot feel their emotions. I would then resort to a pure rational standpoint to assist them instead. This does disappoint the other party if they are seeking condolences. Merely saying, "I'm sorry about your misfortunes" without empathy feels cheap and awkward. I much rather say, "Is there anything I could do when you're on leave?" Many relatives think I have an icy demeanor since I do not sympathize well. I'm just not into half-hearted attempts at emotional support.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Could you elaborate? If it takes no effort why would you ever need to fake it?

It is very simple. To some of us sympathy doesn't come naturally.
You sympathize naturally or you don't sympathize. If you are investing alot of energy in this that would mean you are faking it.

But in some cases you are simply forced/need to sympathize. So the easiest solution is pretending that you are emotionally concerned.

 

[BerberElla]

Sympathy doesn't take effort, squashing it does. Sometimes I feel sympathy for people who don't actually deserve it when measured against all the wrongs they have done anyway, and it takes alot of effort to squash my natural desire to comfort said person.

Empathy I feel often, it's draining, very draining.