User Tag List

Results 1 to 3 of 3

  1. #1
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    MBTI
    ENTJ
    Enneagram
    7w8
    Socionics
    ENTj
    Posts
    5,908

    Default Old friends, New friends, Lifestyles

    Lately's been recurring a situation I don't know how to deal with.

    During the winter there are a lot of childhood friends I don't stay in touch with. We go to different colleges, we rarely cross each other's paths.

    During the last years my circle of friends became much wider, and I also got girlfriends - etc.

    Those old friends, given that only see me during the summer, keep on "demanding" my time just as before. Demanding is not the right word, because nothing is forced. But I see there is an expectations that when they ask to go out, I should be there.

    In many instances, instead, I might be tired, I might be going out with my girlfriend. And I find myself telling lies, because I fear they're going to think they've gone out of my priorities. Instead, simply, we have evolved much differently, and most of them have their social life confined in the place where they lived since childhood.

    I'm not judging them for this. We just live differently. But I fear the fact that I don't find time for them might be indicative that we can't be friends anymore due to my changing. I don't think it can be true, I've always been able to be friends with everybody.

    Also, I don't know if it's my right to reject them when they ask me to go out. Because I feel very bad doing so, but I also know I need to save my energy for working, studying, going out with my gf, training, going out with new friends. It hasn't been always like this, and it won't be like this forever, but right now I don't know how to deal with it.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Sahara's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    MBTI
    INFP
    Posts
    927

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post

    In many instances, instead, I might be tired, I might be going out with my girlfriend. And I find myself telling lies, because I fear they're going to think they've gone out of my priorities. Instead, simply, we have evolved much differently, and most of them have their social life confined in the place where they lived since childhood.
    It's called growing apart, and it used to happen to me often. Almost all the people I was friends with in the past are still stuck in a lifestyle that I have long grown out of, they still have a mentality that I no longer identify with as I have moved on and lived new experiences, my mind has grown, my needs have changed.

    You shouldn't feel the need to lie though, although I understand that this is merely your desire not to offend any of them.


    I'm not judging them for this. We just live differently. But I fear the fact that I don't find time for them might be indicative that we can't be friends anymore due to my changing. I don't think it can be true, I've always been able to be friends with everybody.
    You already know that this is not true, you are still friends, just not in your pockets anymore, this is a part of life, and not something that you need stress yourself about. We all move on and often times we leave people behind, but I always go by that saying "You are born alone, and you will die alone", I don;t see it as a negative thing, I see it is as very true to life. I have friends that I haven;t heard from in years, because we all moved on, that doesn;t mean that I don;t see them as friends, I just accept that people grow and change.

    Adult life makes socialising and keeping up with all contacts a lot harder than when you are young carefree and single, this is again something that you need not feel guilt for.

    They are your friends, just not in the same way as before.

    Also, I don't know if it's my right to reject them when they ask me to go out. Because I feel very bad doing so, but I also know I need to save my energy for working, studying, going out with my gf, training, going out with new friends. It hasn't been always like this, and it won't be like this forever, but right now I don't know how to deal with it.
    It is your right, and it's not a rejection, not in the ugly sense of that word, but you can not push yourself to make time for something that you have grown out and away from.

    Don't feel bad, even when they try to make you feel bad. Friends really do come and go, and sometimes it's them growing out of you and sometimes its you growing out of them, no one stays the same forever.

    I know it's hard, and it creates guilt, but truthfully it's just a part of life.
    "No one can be free of the chains that surround them"

  3. #3
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    I agree with Sahara.

    I took such "growing apart" very hard at first, and felt like I was being unfaithful to my old friendships. But after some time, I came to the realization that nothing in life stays the same... and that it's okay. We are all part of each other's lives in seasons, not necessarily permanently, because we have limited resources and the demands on us change as life progresses. Especially when people begin to pair up and build their own families, things have to change.

    Rather than allowing myself to bemoan the loss of what I once had with someone, it makes me value the time I do have with them NOW even more, and also experience excitement over the times later on when I get to momentarily recapture closeness with those people.

    You can't hold onto something forever. Nor is it wrong for things to change. It's just part of life.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 13
    Last Post: 03-05-2012, 03:51 AM
  2. Replies: 18
    Last Post: 09-21-2008, 08:51 AM
  3. INFJ - old but new...
    By picquic in forum Welcomes and Introductions
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 09-12-2008, 11:45 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO