Fear of Rejection

[Delilah]

Not if we eat them first!!

nom nom nom

 

[Domino]

I'll throw your feelings a tasty cheese biscuit, so it can't eat you!

 

[Anonymous]

I'll throw your feelings a tasty cheese biscuit, so it can't eat you!

What if our feelings are lactose intolerant?

 

[Delilah]

What if our feelings are lactose intolerant?

Mine like pizza, and brains.

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

This thread is devolving nicely

 

[Mole]

...when I "pretend I'm acceptable"...

When you pretend you are acceptable, you are pretending.

You are not really acceptable, you are pretending you are acceptable.

And when you tailor yourself to someone else, quite naturally they will accept you - why wouldn't they?

Pretence, though, eats away at our authentic self until we are nothing more than an acceptable pretence.

And before long, the only people who will accept us are the pretentious.

We recognise each other instantly with a glance or a body movement - we whisper to one another, "You pretend to accept me, and I will pretend to accept you".

This is called the mutual protection racket.

 

[matmos]

When you pretend you are acceptable, you are pretending.Pretence, though, eats away at our authentic self until we are nothing more than an acceptable pretence.

No. Fear eats the soul. - pretence is the cover, not the mattress.

 

[norepinephrine]

This thread is devolving nicely

Here, let me help.

 

[kelric]

I'm wondering how big of a role fear of rejection plays in your relationships and what it stems from. NTs are notorious for withholding their deeper feelings from others and can take a long time to truly open up but shut down in a matter of seconds if the other persons reaction is unexpected or unwanted.

So what does it take for someone to get you to open up? What role does fear of rejection play in your relationships (not just romantic ones)? And how is this linked to your self image?

I'm definitely a "long time to open up, shut down in a flash" type. Even my best friends don't really know me well (actually, I probably share here more than anywhere else, other than occasional conversations with family)...

I dunno, I'm not sure if I fear rejection as much as I fear failure.

This is a lot of it for me, too. I tend to see rejection as failure, though. It's the "why wasn't I good enough?" thing. Objectively, I know that it might have nothing to do with that, but it does trigger the failure reflex, as it were. I (absolutely unrealistically, I know) tend to expect myself to excel in every possible situation... and when I'm given definitive proof that I can't - even if only in the opinion of someone else (even a stranger), it can be pretty devastating.

I like being able to hold people at arm's length, and if I ever really connected with someone and built a relationship, I would no longer be able to be an island.

I don't think that I'm this way by nature, really... but longtime habits have sort of driven me in this same direction. I went out with someone a few times a couple of months ago, and I think that this is part of the reason it didn't last. Spending a lot of time alone has made me almost hyperindependent, and although proximity seemed connective to me, in retrospect we clearly weren't really connecting after our first meeting. Not coincidentally, she seemed interested after that first evening, and nonchalant-to-cool after that.

But what about the unrealised fear? Actual rejection is quite different to an irrational fear.

Good point... Rejection sucks, but once it's over, it's usually over. Anticipation of rejection and dwelling on it ahead of time (or the "what if I'd been rejected" when you avoided the opportunity) is much worse.

I fear making a fool of myself. Though, ironically, it doesn't really bother me when I'm joking around -- i.e. I'm not afraid of making a corny joke.

But when it comes to things that I find (or once found) important, I paralyze myself in fear.

Never thought I'd say this, but I agree with Uber (). I'll do some crazy or silly things given very little provocation - but only with the understanding that it's a joke, a performance of some sort, or an "I've never done this before, it's not the end of the world if I'm not good at it" situation (although I'll still expect myself to surprise people with how well I do).

In the end, yes. I tend to take rejection as a personal failing. I tend not to put myself in situations where it's a likely outcome (not proud of that - trying to get better).

 

[Domino]

What if our feelings are lactose intolerant?

Soy cheese alternative. Made with real alternatives.

This thread is devolving nicely

*zen chimes*

 

[Mempy]

When you pretend you are acceptable, you are pretending.

You are not really acceptable, you are pretending you are acceptable.

And when you tailor yourself to someone else, quite naturally they will accept you - why wouldn't they?

Pretence, though, eats away at our authentic self until we are nothing more than an acceptable pretence.

And before long, the only people who will accept us are the pretentious.

We recognise each other instantly with a glance or a body movement - we whisper to one another, "You pretend to accept me, and I will pretend to accept you".

This is called the mutual protection racket.

Jeez. Could you BE any more depressing!?

I think I need an injection of rainbows and kittens now.


More on topic, I think there are a lot of things about me I find unacceptable. I think my sense of humor has been a sticking point lately. So the fear is that not being proficient at certain things makes me a lesser person, undeserving of someone else's love and affection.

Self-image. I guess there's a dual self-image going on, whenever you find something about yourself to be unacceptable. There's the ideal, which you are not but strive to be, and then there's the real, which you strive to stamp out. You replace the real response with your attempt at the ideal, I guess?

I relate to a lot of Kelric's post, and I think Jennifer has a point.

 

[Orangey]

Fear of rejection unfortunately motivates a lot of what I do (or don't do, more appropriately). I fear that I will be unable to perform something (even silly little things), and that upon discovering how inept I am, the people I know will disavow me and throw me off. Like I'm an impostor that will soon be found out...and when I am, I will be put out because my company is worthless and even detrimental to the more competent people that I associate with.

Yeah, I have some issues to work out...

 

[Mole]

Jeez. Could you BE any more depressing!?

I think I need an injection of rainbows and kittens now.

To the depressed, everything is depressing.

And depression serves as poetic justice to those who pretend.

Depression is so painful we don't even want to experience it - so it seems natural to kill our experience with an injection of 'rainbows and kittens'.

And if that doesn't work, an injection of heroin will do.

 

[antireconciler]

You know so little of rainbows or kittens, or love for that matter, Victor, so it's understandable if you say that. Cuddle with a warm affectionate kitty and enjoy the vivid colors of a rainbow--do these things again so they are fresh in your mind--and see if you are not swayed despite yourself, and that you are glad.

 

[Mole]

You know so little of rainbows or kittens, Victor, so it's understandable if you say that.

How true,

Rainbows are just broken sunbeams and kittens are just half cats.

They are just broken half things.

 

[Virtual ghost]

To be honest fear of rejection never made too much sense when it comes to me. But I can see why people have this problem.

The reason why did not make to much sense is because I look at things somewhat different then others.
To me it looks that there are only two major outcomes (which have many sub outcomes)
Perople ether like you or they don't like you and in many cases you can't control this factor (at least not fully). So I simply don't see the point in getting deeply emotional over this.
Sometime someone will not like you just because of who you are. Ok you don't like me and that is it. Or, I like you but you don't like me. But I like myself and I will not be be bothered if you don't like me.

It is impossible that everyone will like you so there is not point in getting too excited over this. However that does not mean that you should go around and create conflict wherever it is possible to do so.
Not to menation that alot of people are moody so one day they will hate you and after two weeks they will fall in love with you.

 

[jenocyde]

When you pretend you are acceptable, you are pretending.

You are not really acceptable, you are pretending you are acceptable.

And when you tailor yourself to someone else, quite naturally they will accept you - why wouldn't they?

Pretence, though, eats away at our authentic self until we are nothing more than an acceptable pretence.

And before long, the only people who will accept us are the pretentious.

We recognise each other instantly with a glance or a body movement - we whisper to one another, "You pretend to accept me, and I will pretend to accept you".

This is called the mutual protection racket.

This is quite true and very insightful. This is the result of that "fear". I remember in Junior High, a new girl moved to town and my best friend hung out with her so much that I thought I was being thrown to the wayside. I then tried to adopt that poor girl's mannerisms and style of speech, so my best friend would like me more again. I ended up gaining a lot more friends this way. In order to keep up my fake persona, I had to keep all my new, and what I perceived to be as "empty headed" friends at an arm's length, lest they see my true self and reject me. After I while, I realized that I had lost myself because I was holding myself at an arms length, as well. When I took a step back, I seemed to notice that same pattern in the whole group. Fake laughter, pretend personas, never expressing true emotion, groupthink - pretension. This all came from fear of rejection. Never again.

 

[Salomé]

Rainbows are just broken sunbeams and kittens are just half cats.

They are just broken half things.

...

To the depressed, everything is depressing.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Gave this some thought and think it's mostly this for me.

For me it's that I fear not knowing while waiting in suspense for the answer, an answer that has to be given to me, one that I can not force out of someone or find on my own.

Fear of uncertainty coupled with the knowledge it is out of my own hands to ascertain, rather then the fear of rejection.

 

[norepinephrine]

How true,

Rainbows are just broken sunbeams and kittens are just half cats.

They are just broken half things.

Rainbows are the interaction of light with matter - namely moisture. Both light and moisture are necessary for life.

And kittens... kittens are not broken - they're on their way to becoming.

But don't mind me - I'm still awash in oxytocin. I'll get better, probably sooner than later.