User Tag List

First 45678 Last

Results 51 to 60 of 74

  1. #51
    Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    1,009

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post

    First you have to make the decision, and then you have to deal with the stigma of being perceived as a "bad mom."

    And in your thirties, with two other children, it's not like you can just tell folks you weren't "ready". Everybody feels entitled to share their opinion regarding your choice...parents, partners, friends, landlords, mailmen...That was about the time the "I" started to resurface, and "E" became much less apparent.

    The only people I didn't catch flack from were the other people who would have to live with my decision, my other children. Thankfully, everything has worked out. The "baby" spends about half his time with me, he's four now.

  2. #52
    Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    1,009

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    What do you mean by "giving up?" My first thought comes to abortion, but I'm not entirely sure what you mean. My guess is that other people who wanted to know the same thing were too afraid to ask. And no I'm not judgmental of you, you did what you had to do. I'm sorry if that was overly personal to ask.
    It's not too personal, I put it out there.

    Adoption. My youngest son was adopted by a couple I've been friends with for several years.

  3. #53
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    ESFP
    Enneagram
    9w8 sx/sp
    Socionics
    SEE Fi
    Posts
    7,004

    Default

    Oh wow, that is tough. My sympathies. Do you foresee it being strange in the future? Do you plan on telling your kid the truth when he becomes old enough to take that fact in? That would be what I would do if I were to make that choice.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  4. #54
    Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    1,009

    Default

    He already knows (he's 4 now). He has two dads, and me. The adoption has been open from the beginning. Of course, going in, you never know how these sorts of situations might turn out. There were so many ways things could've gone wrong but they haven't, so I know it was the right decision. Definitely the hardest though.

  5. #55
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by juggernaut View Post
    Adoption. My youngest son was adopted by a couple I've been friends with for several years.
    I'm glad you were able to find someone with whom you had strong ties, so that things still stayed as close as possible. That makes it easier at least in regards to remaining connected with your youngest.

    (Maybe not easier when dealing with family, but what else can you do?)

    Yeah, family is hard. I tried hard to respect my family (and extended family), and listen, and give them the right to voice their opinion and go through whatever grieving process they needed to deal with... but it's hard when they are more interested in changing your mind than grieving and otherwise hold grudges. There's not much else to do but let them hold their opinions and meanwhile find the emotional support you need elsewhere and hope in time they better understand and accept why you made the decisions you did.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  6. #56
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    9 sp/sx
    Posts
    9,422

    Default

    My hardest descision was accepting that religion was not for me, I simply could not believe and trying just felt like a huge waste of time. Even though everyone in my circle was religious and I was taught to be religious.

    I was about 8 years old at the time.

  7. #57
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    isfp
    Enneagram
    4w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    8,595

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    That was the other big decision I made, and somewhat linked to the first.

    With me, it actually has taken more of a flavor of "both at once" rather than "gray haze" -- i.e., I live in both faith AND doubt at the same time. I call myself an intellectual agnostic, nothing can be proven; I have an intuitive vision of God or spiritual connection; I have have a much more pervasive, diffusive, integrated view of God in the world rather than as distant personified "Other."

    The odd thing actually is that it was mostly fear of what others would think (and how family would react) that I kept that part of myself under wraps and tried to make the old faith work for so long. In actuality, I found my shift to actually be more an acceptance of what I actually had believed for a very very long time (and willingness to express it), rather than an actual "Change" of my beliefs.
    I'm not sure that people outside religious contexts fully understand how pervasive a world view it is, how it links you to virtually every one of your friends and family, how there is a comprehensive big picture that answers every question with some response, how there are all kinds of social fears and mental boundaries created within the system. There was a time in my life where virtually every friend, family I had contact with, and my place of employment were all based on a single religious institution. This is true for for many people.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    That is one of the things I have always admired about you and feel a connection with you with: I think we have a relentless commitment to reality regardless of the pain quotient or the inconvenience. So it's not driven by what we want, but what we see and submission to the perception.
    Thank you for saying that. It means a great deal.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Yeah, family is hard. I tried hard to respect my family (and extended family), and listen, and give them the right to voice their opinion and go through whatever grieving process they needed to deal with... but it's hard when they are more interested in changing your mind than grieving and otherwise hold grudges. There's not much else to do but let them hold their opinions and meanwhile find the emotional support you need elsewhere and hope in time they better understand and accept why you made the decisions you did.
    I think what you have faced is likely a power of ten beyond any choices I had to make, and still my personal experience had surprises in terms of family and friends (not referring to my earlier comment about religion, but about other personal, social choices). There were some unexpectedly bitter/critical words and views towards me, and yet I know these are kind-hearted people in most cases. They came around, but it did require support from me, by being willing to listen to negativity without responding in anger, attempting to explain simply, and apologizing if the person needed that particular reassurance, or reminding the person that I appreciate them. I will add that my lack of keeping anyone in the loop added to the surprise a bit, but it wasn't the kind of situation I ever wanted to dredge out all the details about with other people, and I still haven't. I had to get centered enough to provide the support, before I told people about my changes, because I had ended up in a debilitating depression, although there was no issue of fault on my or anyone else's part.

    What I concluded is that family providing support during these kinds of changes in life can be ineffective in the same way a surgeon is less effective if doing surgery on his own child. When people are too close to the situation, they personalize things in ways that are complex and layered. Sometimes people have deep-seated desires to make changes in their own life, but can't find the courage (or it isn't possible) and so take the choices another person makes as a personal criticism. Or the choice puts a crack in the foundation of their world-view and that makes them feel insecure. People dismiss most hard things as belonging to "other", whether this is illness, or belief, or lifestyle. There is a strong desire for many people to have everything relating to self and family to be perfect and serve as a model for how all people should be or something. When suddenly family becomes the other person who struggles sometimes with scenarios for which there isn't some ideal perfect answer, then life becomes especially threatening.

    As I've grown older I see more and more the need to simplify relationships with people - to not dig into personal or complex topics, but to find ways to laugh together and compliment people so they feel stronger. There is just too much potential mess to try to find resolution or deep understanding. I try to accept that some judgments aren't entirely fair, but that I don't have to own those conclusions if they don't belong to me. Those aren't my bags. In a way complete acceptance can replace complete understanding, at least for the person in a position to make that choice.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  8. #58
    Senior Member mlittrell's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Posts
    1,387

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by juggernaut View Post
    Can't imagine it was any worse than mine.
    yeah

    its worse lol

    EDIT:

    actually now that i think about it there is no worse lol it might have been harder for you then for me and i would never know because i am not you.
    "Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress. "

    "You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

    "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

    Mahatma Gandhi

    Enneagram: 9w1

  9. #59

    Default

    Leaving my brothers behind when I ran away from home at 14 years old and not returning for several years after. I just couldn't take the abuse any more. Either my mother or I was going to die.

    The guilt I felt for years following that destroyed me in an entirely other way. I thought I'd selfishly left them to their fate, but in hindsight I had more power to protect them from afar. I threatened her with CPS and lawyers with my father's help if the bullshit didn't stop and we both followed through true to our word. It must've scared the effing daylights out of her. (CPS had taken her and her siblings from her abusive father when she was a teenager too. History and fate had come full circle.) She never hit them again. If she had, I might've killed her.

    When my INTP father had to make a list of the abuse my brothers and I had experienced, it was one of the few times in my life I ever saw him cry. Then it was his turn for guilt.

    What a sad circle. It stops with me.
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

  10. #60
    Senior Member Nonsensical's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    4
    Posts
    4,010

    Default

    Do I buy 2% or whole milk?!

    No.but seriously, I haven't had to make any very hard decisions, not yet at least.
    Is it that by its indefiniteness it shadows forth the heartless voids and immensities of the universe, and thus stabs us from behind with the thought of annihilation, when beholding the white depths of the milky way?

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 78
    Last Post: 09-23-2014, 09:04 PM
  2. What is the hardest question you've asked yourself?
    By Saslou in forum Philosophy and Spirituality
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 10-26-2011, 07:01 AM
  3. What's the worst pain you've ever experienced?
    By Dali in forum The Bonfire
    Replies: 119
    Last Post: 03-17-2010, 05:16 PM
  4. Replies: 37
    Last Post: 11-15-2009, 08:10 AM
  5. What's the rudest thing you've ever done?
    By Asterion in forum The Bonfire
    Replies: 94
    Last Post: 09-09-2009, 09:03 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO