That was the other big decision I made, and somewhat linked to the first.
With me, it actually has taken more of a flavor of "both at once" rather than "gray haze" -- i.e., I live in both faith AND doubt at the same time. I call myself an intellectual agnostic, nothing can be proven; I have an intuitive vision of God or spiritual connection; I have have a much more pervasive, diffusive, integrated view of God in the world rather than as distant personified "Other."
The odd thing actually is that it was mostly fear of what others would think (and how family would react) that I kept that part of myself under wraps and tried to make the old faith work for so long. In actuality, I found my shift to actually be more an acceptance of what I actually had believed for a very very long time (and willingness to express it), rather than an actual "Change" of my beliefs.
I'm not sure that people outside religious contexts fully understand how pervasive a world view it is, how it links you to virtually every one of your friends and family, how there is a comprehensive big picture that answers every question with some response, how there are all kinds of social fears and mental boundaries created within the system. There was a time in my life where virtually every friend, family I had contact with, and my place of employment were all based on a single religious institution. This is true for for many people.
That is one of the things I have always admired about you and feel a connection with you with: I think we have a relentless commitment to reality regardless of the pain quotient or the inconvenience. So it's not driven by what we want, but what we see and submission to the perception.
Thank you for saying that. It means a great deal.
Yeah, family is hard. I tried hard to respect my family (and extended family), and listen, and give them the right to voice their opinion and go through whatever grieving process they needed to deal with... but it's hard when they are more interested in changing your mind than grieving and otherwise hold grudges. There's not much else to do but let them hold their opinions and meanwhile find the emotional support you need elsewhere and hope in time they better understand and accept why you made the decisions you did.
I think what you have faced is likely a power of ten beyond any choices I had to make, and still my personal experience had surprises in terms of family and friends (not referring to my earlier comment about religion, but about other personal, social choices). There were some unexpectedly bitter/critical words and views towards me, and yet I know these are kind-hearted people in most cases. They came around, but it did require support from me, by being willing to listen to negativity without responding in anger, attempting to explain simply, and apologizing if the person needed that particular reassurance, or reminding the person that I appreciate them. I will add that my lack of keeping anyone in the loop added to the surprise a bit, but it wasn't the kind of situation I ever wanted to dredge out all the details about with other people, and I still haven't. I had to get centered enough to provide the support, before I told people about my changes, because I had ended up in a debilitating depression, although there was no issue of fault on my or anyone else's part.
What I concluded is that family providing support during these kinds of changes in life can be ineffective in the same way a surgeon is less effective if doing surgery on his own child. When people are too close to the situation, they personalize things in ways that are complex and layered. Sometimes people have deep-seated desires to make changes in their own life, but can't find the courage (or it isn't possible) and so take the choices another person makes as a personal criticism. Or the choice puts a crack in the foundation of their world-view and that makes them feel insecure. People dismiss most hard things as belonging to "other", whether this is illness, or belief, or lifestyle. There is a strong desire for many people to have everything relating to self and family to be perfect and serve as a model for how all people should be or something. When suddenly family becomes the other person who struggles sometimes with scenarios for which there isn't some ideal perfect answer, then life becomes especially threatening.
As I've grown older I see more and more the need to simplify relationships with people - to not dig into personal or complex topics, but to find ways to laugh together and compliment people so they feel stronger. There is just too much potential mess to try to find resolution or deep understanding. I try to accept that some judgments aren't entirely fair, but that I don't have to own those conclusions if they don't belong to me. Those aren't my bags. In a way complete acceptance can replace complete understanding, at least for the person in a position to make that choice.
And no I'm not judgmental of you, you did what you had to do. I'm sorry if that was overly personal to ask.
