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  1. #11
    Senior Member Valhallahereicome's Avatar
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    It's hard for me to tell, because most of my childhood and adolescence was twisted by a rough home situation. I feel like a lot of my insecurity and depression carries over from that time, and every time I think I'm "cured" of something it pops right back up again a little while later. I keep hoping that I'm "cured" and that wishful thinking probably keeps me from seeing how much I've actually stayed the same over the years.

    At the core, besides being fucked up - I guess I'm still loud and crazy and always pushing the envelope. I've been like that since I was a kid, but never got to act on it until I moved out of the house. I'm still stubborn and independent. When I was 6 years old, I remember getting into a heated argument with my parents about why children should be able to vote. Still hate being told what to do. That one's probably genetic.

    Still need to please people underneath it all, which may be part of being fucked up or may be my basic personality. Still get withdrawn sometimes and think that people don't like me, which is definitely a hangover from childhood and probably a direct result of being told that I suck as a human being, many times.

    Definitely developed my Ti function during college, and I value that immensely. The better my thinking skills, the easier it is to build my life the way I want it. I rely less on Fi now, or so it seems - everything needs to be examined before I believe in it, and few things stir up the intense melancholy that I felt almost every day when growing up. I prefer it that way.

  2. #12
    Senior Member Synapse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascademn View Post
    A quick summary of behavioral changes -- as a teenager I was quite closed-off from all of my peers, and didn't really have any friends, or allow myself to get close to others. For one I don't think I knew how to, but also I had a rather intense Fear of people. I was scared of people, and what people did. I got this fear primarily out of observing people, because observation is pretty much all I did in school. Observation and going off into my thoughts. And in addition, internalizing teasing directed towards me, which made me not trust anyone. I was also quite lonely though, and unhappy that I didn't have any friends. Like, I felt I had it in me to have friends, and my state disgusted me, but it wasn't in me at that time to change it, due to the fear aspect, and insecurity on my part.
    As an adult this is still applicable to me, except my fears are manifest and learnt as a consequence to observing my fathers behaviour.

    Quote Originally Posted by Valhallahereicome
    It's hard for me to tell, because most of my childhood and adolescence was twisted by a rough home situation. I feel like a lot of my insecurity and depression carries over from that time, and every time I think I'm "cured" of something it pops right back up again a little while later. I keep hoping that I'm "cured" and that wishful thinking probably keeps me from seeing how much I've actually stayed the same over the years.
    I coined it like a hydra head, each time you lop off a hydra head a weaker version appears. Going in the right direction, yet the grip is still strong enough to leave its mark.

    Have I changed, good question, seems to be a slow process, like a tree growing up.

    I believe the subconscious provides and I will be receptive to change more often. I lived through my major crisis points and there have been a great many. My wish to have a social group manifested now the last few years so change for me is happening.

  3. #13
    Senior Member bluebell's Avatar
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    Yep. I've systematically ripped down everything I can find in my mind relating to how I view myself and rebuilt. The rebuilding is still going on and I'm not entirely sure where I'll end up.
    ...so much smoke pouring out of each chromosome.

  4. #14
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    I used to be perfectionistic, regimented, withdrawn, misanthropic, and unhappy, until I figured out that it didn't work for me. I'm pretty sure my ISFJ mother had way too much influence on me.

    Like bluebell, I feel like I'm restructuring myself. I actually hope the process never stops.. I'd hate to just stagnate. I'm actually beginning to doubt my type, but I also don't feel like I have to rigidly define myself in such terms.

  5. #15
    Systematic chaos Cenomite's Avatar
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    I used to be much nicer and optimistic than I am now. I don't consider myself an asshole, but I'm not nearly as willing to self-sacrifice or go out of my way for people anymore. I also have much less faith in people in general.

    I'm guessing this has to do with the group of friends I rolled with in elementary / middle school, or just accumulated life experience. I use to be nice pretty much to the point of being taken advantage of when I was a kid, something I learned that I would need to change quickly to get anywhere in life.
    The probability that I was procrastinating when I was typing this post:

    P(have big assignment due) = 0.6
    P(posting on TypoC) = 0.2
    P(having big assignment due | posting on TypoC) = 0.7

    P(posting on TypoC | having big assignment due) = .......


    Eh, I'll finish it later.

  6. #16
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by greed View Post
    I used to be perfectionistic, regimented, withdrawn, misanthropic, and unhappy, until I figured out that it didn't work for me.
    Don't feel bad, that's just how extroverts have to become to go through college.
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  7. #17

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    If maturity is change, or a form/facet of it, yes.
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

  8. #18
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    I think if anything, my values changed? Other than that, most people say, "I'm surprised. You're still the same."

    Anyway, I have a way with people I care most about. I know how to tickle their soft-spot. I think a lot of the times, with them, they think they changed, when in reality, it's because they're stressed. And whenever we hang out, I remind them of the little idiosyncratic things that make them unique and adorable, the same person they once were and still are if it makes any sense.

  9. #19
    Reigning Bologna Princess Rajah's Avatar
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    The only things that seem constant are nagging uncertainty and insecurity. I am a lot kinder to myself than I used to be, but I'm still awfully demanding and critical of myself. It's something I try to work on, but I tend to revert to old habits. Not quite sure how to contend with it.


    I... suppose. Yeah!

  10. #20
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    The degree to which life is uncertain and keeps changing also amazes me and discredits any attempts at depressive thinking which attempts to project the negative indefinitely into the future. One guarantee we all have is that it *isn't* always going to be like our current scenario.
    I think this is a powerful thing to recognize, and I know that when I have gone through existential crises/internal struggles in the past, as well as external situations that were hard for me to deal with, and *made it through them*, that it only made me stronger for the future and also provided the experience and awareness to know that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

    Knowing within myself that I have the strength to get through things means present disillusionments, while never any easier to experience (from an emotional perspective), don't have a really solid hold on me -- because a part of my brain knows that 'this too shall pass'.

    Having my entire model for reality altered is a profound change which I am still adjusting to. I am deeply agnostic in most areas, although work hard to form working hypotheses. I still doubt myself a great deal. I hope to continue to grow.
    I sometimes feel this way about myself, and go through periods of self doubt. But I believe it's something that's happening less frequently as time goes on. As for the agnosticism, I identify with that tendency as well - especially in certain subject areas. But also think some of it is that I tend to strive for, and believe in, balance and moderation in pretty much every aspect of life. That might appear rather similar to agnosticism, no? Might appear to be noncommital, even though I can be rather opinionated in my very agnosticism/moderation. :-)

    One thing that really encouraged me is that the person who lives with me now said I am the most laid back, easygoing person he has known (and he has seen me at my absolute worst in terms of anxiety attacks and such.) For some reason that gives me hope that I can face whatever comes next.
    Aw, that's great! It's always interesting to receive feedback from others, isn't it? I think I tend to be overly aware of my weaknesses and 'flaws', so probably wouldn't be caught off guard if people pointed those out to me, but my reaction whenever people give me a compliment or say something favorable about my personality is often one of surprise....like..."Really?
    I'm that way?? Huh."

    Quote Originally Posted by Synapse
    As an adult this is still applicable to me, except my fears are manifest and learnt as a consequence to observing my fathers behaviour.
    You know, lifelong defense mechanisms (or however you want to term it) can take quite a long time to work through and exterminate.

    I think I've come a really long way since high school, as much of the fear when it comes to making friends and basic socializing is gone, and I am able to be relatively open and confident in who I am, and am not afraid to interact with others - and no longer assume that people will make fun of me, or people won't like me. But I think the difficulty-in-trusting/fear is still present in really intimate relationships, and it's really hard for me to be 'raw' and open in exposing my insecurities and all of that to another. And the rawness usually comes out with tears, because it's buried so deep that the tears come out as well. And this is probably a factor in why dating is so hard for me and romantic relationships can be such an achilles heel and matter of anxiety for me. So I'm definitely still a work in progress as far as this goes....just a LOT better than I used to be.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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