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  1. #1
    Junior Member phobosdiemos's Avatar
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    Unhappy Mentally and emotionally about to explode. Disorder? Type?

    This is a blog entry I recently wrote...

    "What I wish to know, and to achieve in my life is so great a mystery to me that it leads me to believe I'm worthless and/or completely mundane. This belief, that my actions are not valued, my lifestyle not humble, and my very existence to some a burden or some kind of debilitation.

    These are thoughts that are quite recurring. I find myself sometimes doing odd things, or doing activities normal people would do - completely different from them. While I may find the desired result for these everyday activities, it takes me much effort to achieve them. A push, a guided hand, a direct command about what path I should take, constant CONSTANT thinking and analyzing of my situation; these things plague my daily activities.

    I cannot begin to fathom my reasoning. I have always thought, since I was young, that something about me was different from the rest of my peers. The earliest memory of these thoughts could be as far back as Junior High School. This difference, I always, always, perceived in a negative manner. Always I searched, for that finite answer to my problems, and as to why I was or why I thought the way I did.

    I still cannot explain it. Each day is one filled with anxiousness, despair, and a kind of craziness. I obsess over my thoughts and obsess over the need of them, feeling them so critical to my life that if I were to ignore what meaning I felt they had over my being I would not be myself.

    Yet still I feel them to be a burden. These thoughts that I seemingly cannot control invade my private, personal, emotional, physical, and mental well being. They are constantly conflicting my life, constantly forcing me to evaluate my options and wonder what the point is in even trying. I skip plans with people, often feeling afraid of what situations I may arrive with. If I'm ever bold enough to get past this anxiousness, a new one brews during the event that causes me once more to obsess over myself.

    You would call me selfish.
    You would call me a loner.
    You would call me crazy.

    But I do not know what it is that causes this to me. I feel normal, as if these are things everyone goes through from time to time, that people always think obsessively in this manner. However, I find time and again through my introspection that I come to a realization that perhaps, there is something wrong with me.

    I can feel something building in me. Something not short of a crisis, a nervous breakdown, whatever you may call it. I have not cried since late 2007, not once that I can remember, and yet I feel as if I'm about to explode with a river. I have been said to have dysthymia, a persistent depressive disorder, but yet I feel that that is not the truth of my situation. I have tried several medications for that, and none worked.

    I have my good days, this is true. However, more often than not I'm down in those depths of despair and disassociation, that feeling that you are disconnected from everything else, that you and only you can feel how you are. Constantly I'm trying to balance the ethical matters that occur in my life, never allowing myself to give into my inhibitions and take risks. You could say this account for my loneliness, rarely RARELY able to actually converse someone I find even slightly interesting.

    I'm finding it harder and harder to stand myself. I realize writing this that no one wants someone who writes notes such as this... that everyone who reads this will ask me to get over myself or say that there is nothing wrong, will tell me to stop whining, any number of things.

    Perhaps understanding is something I want more than anything... understanding from people that maybe something isn't right with me. Do you not find it strange that still continue writing these kinds of things year after year? I have wrote depressing notes or journal entries since I was 14 and first discovered that I could write my thoughts online. These entries become even more emboldened and detailed in my paper-bound journals. Is it hard to believe that maybe I am fucked up?

    Of course no one wants to believe that... I suppose part of me does, so that I can find some reason for my pessimism. I can't blame someone for not wondering these things I wonder about me, after-all my life is not theirs and I should not be such a burden to them. I do not ask this of anyone, these are simply my thoughts, and I have written them down often for so many years, to ask me to stop is like asking me to stop thinking.

    My thoughts plague my existence, and the fear of losing control is constantly building. One would say I need help, but how to go about getting help that would not misdiagnose me as has been done before is a question I wish I did not need to ask.

    I'm losing my friends because of this...
    I'm losing my family because of this...
    I'm losing myself because of this...

    I just do not know what to do. I'm looking for help for things I cannot even understand. How can I even begin to explain to another person what's wrong with me if I myself cannot understand what is wrong.

    And now I retreat once more into that extroverted silence, that is my introverted noise."


    I'm not sure if I even have a question that doesn't end up becoming tons of questions. I suppose I'm looking for any relevence to anything described above to some kind of psychological problem. Depression seems to be what most people say, but I have tried countless Anti-depressants all of which have failed outright.

    I'm doubt anyone will read all of that anyway..


    If, for the fun of it, you want to type me by reading this blog go for it.

    And I'm sure this is in the wrong forum :| but I couldn't think of anywhere else to post...
    Introverted (I) 77.42% Extroverted (E) 22.58%
    Intuitive (N) 52.5% Sensing (S) 47.5%
    Feeling (F) 55.26% Thinking (T) 44.74%
    Perceiving (P) 50% Judging (J) 50%

    In the fog of the horizon the dawn broke. We shouted like kings at the failing night and turned our heads to the broken house. Once more our hearts faltered, once more our minds were changed, but our spirit would never die.

  2. #2
    The Destroyer Colors's Avatar
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  3. #3
    Senior Member Anentropic IxTx's Avatar
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    You're eloquent.

  4. #4
    Kickin' Ass since 1984 GargoylesLegacy's Avatar
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    Wow, this entry is very deep. And I must honestly say that it is very interesting to read. I like the way you write.
    Some of the things you say, look very familiar to me:
    Quote Originally Posted by phobosdiemos View Post
    This belief, that my actions are not valued, my lifestyle not humble, and my very existence to some a burden or some kind of debilitation.

    These are thoughts that are quite recurring. I find myself sometimes doing odd things, or doing activities normal people would do - completely different from them.

    I cannot begin to fathom my reasoning. I have always thought, since I was young, that something about me was different from the rest of my peers.

    You would call me selfish.
    You would call me a loner.
    You would call me crazy.

    I can feel something building in me. Something not short of a crisis, a nervous breakdown, whatever you may call it. I have not cried since late 2007, not once that I can remember, and yet I feel as if I'm about to explode with a river.

    I can't blame someone for not wondering these things I wonder about me, after-all my life is not theirs and I should not be such a burden to them.

    I'm losing my friends because of this...
    I'm losing my family because of this...
    I'm losing myself because of this...

    I just do not know what to do. I'm looking for help for things I cannot even understand. How can I even begin to explain to another person what's wrong with me if I myself cannot understand what is wrong.

    And now I retreat once more into that extroverted silence, that is my introverted noise."

    I'm not sure if I even have a question that doesn't end up becoming tons of questions.
    All of the quoted.

    I realize writing this that no one wants someone who writes notes such as this...
    Wrong.

    That everyone who reads this will ask me to get over myself or say that there is nothing wrong, will tell me to stop whining, any number of things.
    Wrong again.

    I'm doubt anyone will read all of that anyway..
    And once more.

    So, I don't know you much yet, but in case you'd like to talk to somebody, let me know. Oh and take one of these too
    Rule #1: Driver picks the music. Shotgun shuts his cakehole.

    Again, Demons I get, but people are just crazy.

    ESTP? o.O

  5. #5
    Senior Member SpottingTrains's Avatar
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    Have you tried talking to family members about this? I know it would be very hard and I am sure you have tried or at least thought about it. It seems to me that you have all these feelings built up and are expressing them in your journal/diary/blog but personally I don't think that will ever be the same as discussing them face to face with another human being.

    It's hard to exactly figure out from your post exactly what could be plaguing you. The best I can tell is that you let your pessimism run your life causing disharmony in your current relationships and pushing away new ones.

    Are you going to school? Do you have a job? Do you enjoy what you are doing? From personal experience I can tell you that if you don't enjoy what you are doing in your life then it is much harder to remain optimistic about even the most simplistic of things.

    I'm not one to believe in pills but I am biased in the fact that they have never been recommended to me. I would try and see the things in your life that are out of sync with what you truly desire and work on shifting them so that you can begin recovering.

  6. #6
    Junior Member phobosdiemos's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpottingTrains View Post
    Have you tried talking to family members about this? I know it would be very hard and I am sure you have tried or at least thought about it. It seems to me that you have all these feelings built up and are expressing them in your journal/diary/blog but personally I don't think that will ever be the same as discussing them face to face with another human being.

    It's hard to exactly figure out from your post exactly what could be plaguing you. The best I can tell is that you let your pessimism run your life causing disharmony in your current relationships and pushing away new ones.

    Are you going to school? Do you have a job? Do you enjoy what you are doing? From personal experience I can tell you that if you don't enjoy what you are doing in your life then it is much harder to remain optimistic about even the most simplistic of things.

    I'm not one to believe in pills but I am biased in the fact that they have never been recommended to me. I would try and see the things in your life that are out of sync with what you truly desire and work on shifting them so that you can begin recovering.
    I am going to school. It's really the only thing that seems to excite me anymore, although I'm not sure if it's because someone I've liked for a long while but haven't seen in a few years goes there, or if I just love to learn, or both. Either way, this person I've set my eyes on seems far too preoccupied with her job at the animal shelter and schoolwork.

    I'm taking Biology and Speech currently, with Math and English soon. I had put school off for a long time after getting through that dreary world that was High School. I love my Biology class.

    My work is very uneventful, though I meet many interesting people (I work at a Motel, some nights third shift) it offers me a lot of time to study, so I'm never truly bored there. The pay however is far from substantial, which is understandable I suppose when looking at how our Economic situation is.

    I try to remember a time when I didn't worry so much about my problems, or think so arguably within myself, but I just can't seem to figure anything out. A future life I would want would be one where I can apply my what I know and what's inside my mind too all around me, intellect wise.

    I thank everyone for the hugs, they are very appreciated. And I realize that what I said in a few paragraphs seemed very wrong or completely untrue, but know that it is merely a thought, or feeling, that I had at the time of writing that blog entry.

    I'm wondering though if seeing another therapist would be a good idea? That last two have done nothing short of write me a prescription. Talking to my family is slightly out of the question, they have helped me enough as is what with giving me a car and buying me new tires when it needed it. I'd feel like maybe I was burdening them if I brought my depressive attitudes upon them once more, as it would not be the first time...

    Thanks for reading.
    Introverted (I) 77.42% Extroverted (E) 22.58%
    Intuitive (N) 52.5% Sensing (S) 47.5%
    Feeling (F) 55.26% Thinking (T) 44.74%
    Perceiving (P) 50% Judging (J) 50%

    In the fog of the horizon the dawn broke. We shouted like kings at the failing night and turned our heads to the broken house. Once more our hearts faltered, once more our minds were changed, but our spirit would never die.

  7. #7
    Senior Member SpottingTrains's Avatar
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    It seems to me that you aren't really enjoying your day to day activities enough which is putting a damper on everything else that you do. I'm not living your life so I'm not going to infer on how exactly you can change it but I recommend just step back and look at what you are doing. Is this going to make me happy?

    I know some people who are very long term goal oriented, they are never happy if what they are doing in the present is not leading them to so ideal place they wish to end up.

    Lastly, about your parents buying you car, which was very nice of them, I don't think that is the outcome you want to attain They should be there for support about whatever you are going through with no material attachments involved. If that isn't an option I would suggest looking into a different therapist if you think that would help but I would really stress to look at what you can do for yourself before turning to outside help.

  8. #8
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    I understand this all too well...

    I hope it gets better for you. I've written notes similar to that, but worse and with more paranoia and denial in them.

  9. #9

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    Sorry to hear about your situation. You don't really seem crazy at all to me. And not that depressed either. You articulate too much for depression, and most of what you wrote was interesting as well as insightful.

    Your enneagram seems to be type 4. I have no idea what mbti type, still for some reason INTJ came to mind.

    As a type four the need for self understanding exists. This needs to be fulfilled by looking at yourself honestly. So the searching is healthy. When you don't search enough or start avoiding facts and not being honest with yourself, a fear of being defective creeps in. This defective fear is fixed by creating ideas that counter you being defective. But when you counter the being defective with ideas that are not completely honest you then understand yourself less and feel more defective. The defective feeling perpetuates. Each time you be completely honest with yourself though and get past those barriers, and admit the flaws, you get a burst of strength again and move back into the healthy state of knowing yourself.

    Type 4s at their best are very good with people, and understand others and themselves extremely well. But they can go off track easily. And commonly have problems with relationships. These aren't fatal problems though, just they start with a too idealistic view of how things work. Though at the same time a very real view of the world. Hence the idealism that causes the problems is normally not that obvious. Fours seem to be late to finding the perfect relationship, but normally find a real love rather than a convenient one. And the type is called the romantic, so they can't be totally useless at relationships .

    If you have a type 5 wing too, you'll get the detachment cycle. Type 5s have a drive to understand the world around them. When they explore it, they feel healthy. When they get caught in not wanting to explore it, they detach and get introverted. They feel far more safe alone away from the pressure of things. This is fixed by exploring and understanding their situation and the world around them. Which is often difficult if you are driven to detach. Still when you do it, the detachment goes and you feel healthy again.

    In some ways my enneagram cycles describe what happens in my life more than my MBTi type.


    Type 4


    Type 5


    Type 3 (incase you have a 3 wing)
    Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

  10. #10
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    You might be an INTJ, like me.
    I used to have those kinds of thoughts when I was a teen.

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