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A Real Question (re:Addiction & Family Dynamics)

Night

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So, in the spirit of encouraging fresh perspective on a difficult issue for me, I'd like to share a personal story.

My problem deals with my younger brother, Adam. He's 24, lives on his own and struggles with alcoholism. He's been in and out of rehab for most of his adult life (at least 7 different clinics, by my best count), is currently unemployed and is unwilling to seek further treatment for his disorder. What's more, his employment options remain consistently limited, as he does not have a college degree (he's made the attempt several times, only to have his addiction destroy his ability to consistently commit to an academic schedule). As a result of this pattern, he finds himself perpetually in debt, unable to establish himself romantically and often at heated odds with the rest of my family.

My response to his behavior has been, as you might imagine, varied over the years. For a time, I was financially supporting him (while he was in college, and again when he tried to regain an occupational foothold after his latest rehab effort), only to realize he was using my support to buy alcohol. I've tried hardlining him into a corner where I withhold emotional support/physical contact. I've tried enacting support systems with my family/his friends to make him realize better his opportunities at a better life. Everything always returns to him rubberbanding into his addictive ways.

I'm stuck.

My primary goal in publishing this is to get outside critique, in an effort to reevaluate my role in his life.

Presently, I've worked myself into a logical corner where I have a hard time justifying intervention due to his chronic disinterest in receiving help, alongside my sense of personal responsibility to do everything I can to help him overcome a problem that might be beyond his capacity to handle.

Any and all thoughts are welcome. This is a real issue for me, and I'm interested to hear outside analysis.
 

Nickels

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Have you typed him, that might help deal with some of the problems, or at least let you approach them correctly.
 

Night

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Good point, Nickels.

I hesitate, as I don't want to change my impression of his problem with Type.

INFP is probably my best guess.
 

Blueberry LaLa

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It sounds like you have tried pretty much everything. How frustrating, and he's so young!

Have you ever gone to a counselor or therapist? They might be able to give you some perspective and help you come to terms with how to deal with the situation. A lot of them are trained to help with addiction issues, and I'm sure they could give you insight.
 

Night

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It sounds like you have tried pretty much everything. How frustrating, and he's so young!

Have you ever gone to a counselor or therapist? They might be able to give you some perspective and help you come to terms with how to deal with the situation. A lot of them are trained to help with addiction issues, and I'm sure they could give you insight.

Yes -- my aunt is a psychiatrist and she's had him in front of many different types of therapists, ranging from psychoanalysts to behavioral specialists. For a time, he was on prescription meds, but was too inconsistent in his dosage for them to be effective.
 

Totenkindly

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Ouch, I'm sorry.

I have enough awareness of such things to know the relational web is immensely tangled and complex, and any specific advice I might offer will probably leave something unaddressed.

I do think one guiding principle here is that, although he's your brother, you are not responsible to "fix him." Sometimes loving someone means suffering their loss while they work through (or do not work through) issues like this. This probably means engaging him as you can, without becoming part of the tangled web or dragged into it.

I wouldn't lie and pretend the problem does not exist, it should be dealt with openly and without a lot of rancor -- matter-of-factly, when it's relevant to the discussion at hand. (For example, my sister told my dad without condemnation that they would still visit but never stay over night, due to his drinking.) It's not a fight for you to get him to change, you simply relay what your choices are as information.

Also, if you feel that he has one day come to you for real help and is committed to change, then don't hold an unforgiving spirit -- do what you feel is worthwhile to be supportive of him as your brother.

Basically the goal for you I think is to remove the responsibility you might feel for fixing him. Your goal is to just be his brother.
 

Blueberry LaLa

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Yes -- my aunt is a psychiatrist and she's had him in front of many different types of therapists, ranging from psychoanalysts to behavioral specialists. For a time, he was on prescription meds, but was too inconsistent in his dosage for them to be effective.

I meant YOU. Have you gone to a therapist. So you can stop beating yourself up for his failures.
 

iwakar

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Geezuz brother, you have my concern and sympathies is what. Along with a heapin' helpin' of understanding. (Alcoholism is more tradition in my family than disease, so I feel your grief on this.)

Truth is, the truth is what you think it is --hard. And there's not a whole lot we can offer you other than our support. Because you'll never stop trying to help your brother until you believe that there's more harm than good in it --all 'round.

Is that what you're trying to determine at this point? If there's anything left to explore you haven't thought of? 'Cause it seems to me you've tried a lot.

Much love.
 

Night

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I do think one guiding principle here is that, although he's your brother, you are not responsible to "fix him." Sometimes loving someone means suffering their loss while they work through (or do not work through) issues like this.

I wouldn't lie and pretend the problem does not exist, it should be dealt with openly and without a lot of rancor -- matter-of-factly, when it's relevant to the discussion at hand.

Basically the goal for you I think is to remove the responsibility you might feel for fixing him. Your goal is to just be his brother.

This is a really good point.

I've traditionally approached the issue with the (false?) conclusion that there is a way to thoughtfully "correct" his behavior to better align with what I would consider a healthy, happy lifestyle, free from the destructive tendencies he so often has when he drinks.

The reality is that things like addiction rarely offer a linear equation to solve.

I'm having a hard time following through with this. Although I certainly agree with the fundamental wisdom of this approach, I feel like I'm just choosing the path of least resistance to serve my psychological bottom line.
 

Night

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Truth is, the truth is what you think it is --hard. And there's not a whole lot we can offer you other than our support. Because you'll never stop trying to help your brother until you believe that there's more harm than good in it --all 'round.

.

Oh, no I know.

I'm not even really looking for a sympathetic response. Honest diagnosis of my logical approach is primarily what I'm hoping to accomplish by publishing this.

I want to see if additional countermeasures exist, beyond the scope of what I've tried thus far.
 

Anja

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Addicts eventually love and need their drug of choice more than anything else in their life. This is an example of true insanity. So using logic to understand an alcoholic may not be the best approach.

Essentially every addict needs at least one enabler. Someone who makes it possible for him to continue his use of his drug. Early- and middle-stage alcoholics may have a whole group of enablers. They are bosses who look the other way when he's late or doesn't show, people who set ultimatums and allow "just one more chance," the government who sends him his "disability" check, friends who don't see a problem because he uses in the same manner as they do, wives who forgive and don't insist on a change of behavior, parents who fear that allowing the addict to "bottom out" may kill him. A very real fear and totally unpreventable without resorting to locking him up.

And, being allowed to feel true despair, the consequences of his actions, is the only motivator I know of to wake the dreamer from his deluded slumber. Pain is a gift to the addict. Nearly none of us stop a pleasant habit until the pain it causes is stronger than the pleasure it gives us.

It requires an extreme amount of emotional strength on the part of those who care for him to allow him to suffer his consequences. There is fear of loss involved. Most enabling is done out of love. But, paradoxically, it can make the person we love even more ill.

So my thought is figure out what you're doing which enables him to continue using and stop doing it. Not so easy when you get in the way of an addict and his drug. Steadfast statements of love and care and firm resolve not to make it easier for him to use or to deal with his consequences is the key. Much more easily said than done.

That's why millions of people who are attached to people with chemical health problems attend a group called Alanon. In that group, which was formed sometime in the thirties, people share their stories and support each other in what works to help their loved one to recover. They also learn how they have played a part in the chemical use and how to resist repeating behaviors which may be harmful to the addict, but which have seemed like the logical thing to do.

When a family member goes to treatment and the family fails to get involved they are missing an important rule of family life. None of us develop in a vacuum and a family has deeply ingrained habits which may promote health or deterioration. Everyone in the life of an addict getting involved in learning healthy methods to deal with addiction increases the probability of the addict getting well.

He's already gotten the message several times over. Has the rest of the family gotten on the same page?
 

Night

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And, being allowed to feel true despair, the consequences of his actions, is the only motivator I know of to wake the dreamer from his deluded slumber. Pain is a gift to the addict. Nearly none of us stop a pleasant habit until the pain it causes is stronger than the pleasure it gives us.

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

This is about where I'm at. The only curveball I have left is emotional distance. "Punishing" his choice of behavior by isolating myself from him.

He's already gotten the message several times over. Has the rest of the family gotten on the same page?

More or less. He's almost entirely alone.

No Christmas appearance (despite phone calls, random visits to his apartment, etc) or word from him in almost...2 months.

I try not to consider what this means.
 

Totenkindly

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I'm having a hard time following through with this. Although I certainly agree with the fundamental wisdom of this approach, I feel like I'm just choosing the path of least resistance to serve my psychological bottom line.

You mean when you set boundaries?

I do understand what you mean there.

On the other hand, it's more a recognition of the fundamental autonomy of the individual. Therapists know this well: The patient dictates treatment, and if the patient isn't committed to a particular treatment or wants to recover, she won't. That's the painful part of psychological healing.

So you want your brother to know you are available as a resource and help, if he chooses to avail himself; but at the same time acknowledge you aren't responsible for his choices, his life is under his own authority. (In a way, this is sort of liberating for him. Or could be.)

This is about where I'm at. The only curveball I have left is emotional distance. "Punishing" his choice of behavior by isolating myself from him.

I think that's one of the issues here.

You can't allowing your attitude to be "punishing." If you're punishing him, then that's a lousy attitude. It should HURT you to withdraw your aid; that's how you know you have the right motivations. If you're doing things and he's bearing all the cost, you're just abusing him to salve your own hurt; I think refusing to enable should be painful to the person drawing back. It costs you.
 

Night

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You mean when you set boundaries?

I do understand what you mean there.

On the other hand, it's more a recognition of the fundamental autonomy of the individual. Therapists know this well: The patient dictates treatment, and if the patient isn't committed to a particular treatment or wants to recover, she won't. That's the painful part of psychological healing.

So you want your brother to know you are available as a resource and help, if he chooses to avail himself; but at the same time acknowledge you aren't responsible for his choices, his life is under his own authority. (In a way, this is sort of liberating for him. Or could be.)

Agreed.

This seems like the best way to go about it.

Yet, my hardship with the autonomous approach is that it presumes a reasonable target. My brother rarely behaves reasonably. So, if his behavior is unreasonable, it's probably also true that his thinking is illogical.

As a result, while the autonomous approach works (mostly for me, at this point), it doesn't concisely address a reasonable spectrum of behavior for my brother.

I think that's one of the issues here.

You can't allowing your attitude to be "punishing." If you're punishing him, then that's a lousy attitude. It should HURT you to withdraw your aid; that's how you know you have the right motivations. If you're doing things and he's bearing all the cost, you're just abusing him to salve your own hurt; I think refusing to enable should be painful to the person drawing back. It costs you.

Good distinction.
 

Anja

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Thank you for your thoughtful response.

This is about where I'm at. The only curveball I have left is emotional distance. "Punishing" his choice of behavior by isolating myself from him.



More or less. He's almost entirely alone.

No Christmas appearance (despite phone calls, random visits to his apartment, etc) or word from him in almost...2 months.

I try not to consider what this means.

What I'm saying? "Punishment" never caused a recovery. It can't be "made" by someone else.

Alcoholics, once they enter third stage alcoholism, already are scared to death at some deep psychological level. They're caught up and they know it. And they know not the way out. Not because they haven't been taught, but because giving up their chemical is the worst possible hell they can imagine. It is seen as life-sustaining to them.

To present a very ill alcoholic a choice, even symbolically, between family and the bottle is a no-brainer for him. Doesn't work. (Sometimes it will for a period of time until he can be assured that he's got his enablers back in his life.)

I'm talking about love with detachment. Tough love. A lot of people think they understand the concept and really don't. This is what Alanon teaches. And the method provides hope and a sense of security that they are doing the right thing to people who love alcoholics.
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

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Fuck, I don't know. I think there's a lot going on with addiction and it takes a while to unravel. The question of where to start (your question, and the hardest question), I think, depends on both where he's at, how his mind and body work, and what your relationship with him is like. Since I don't have any of that information, and since that information is hard to convey in words, I can try speaking from my own experience and what I might do.

If my younger brother was in that situation, I would probably start by befriending him as much as possible, but drawing boundaries when it comes to drinking and partying. That would just be to open the lines of communication. From there, I would start to lightly probe him for problems and conversations and offer some ideas, perspectives, and solutions while being very careful not to be condescending or patronizing. As soon as that happens, he'll sink into shame, which is probably one of his triggers. After some conversations, I would offer to help by helping him identify his other triggers and finding practical, easy solutions. It's important that recovery doesn't become the focus of the relationship and that we establish some sort of other connections and dialogues. This situation is totally idealistic and doesn't factor in resistance, both to you, and to changing his lifestyle. That just has to be worked with as it arises, skillfully and sincerely.

Getting him to attend a 12 step meeting or read some books on personal stories of recovery and strategies would be another supplement. I guess the main thing to remember would be that he always has some room to improve his situation, however slightly. That's something everyone has to realize, your family included, because they can serve as a source of hope, and at the same time, a source of time, without even realizing it.
 

Night

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I meant YOU. Have you gone to a therapist. So you can stop beating yourself up for his failures.

I didn't see this question before.

Good thought.

I have a natural cynicism for most psychoanalytic theory (ironic, given our forum).
 

Udog

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My problem deals with my younger brother, Adam. He's 24, lives on his own and struggles with alcoholism.

I suggest looking into Al-Anon.
 

Night

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Fuck, I don't know. I think there's a lot going on with addiction and it takes a while to unravel. The question of where to start (your question, and the hardest question), I think, depends on both where he's at, how his mind and body work, and what your relationship with him is like. Since I don't have any of that information, and since that information is hard to convey in words, I can try speaking from my own experience and what I might do.

If my younger brother was in that situation, I would probably start by befriending him as much as possible, but drawing boundaries when it comes to drinking and partying. That would just be to open the lines of communication. From there, I would start to lightly probe him for problems and conversations and offer some ideas, perspectives, and solutions while being very careful not to be condescending or patronizing. As soon as that happens, he'll sink into shame, which is probably one of his triggers. After some conversations, I would offer to help by helping him identify his other triggers and finding practical, easy solutions. It's important that recovery doesn't become the focus of the relationship and that we establish some sort of other connections and dialogues. This situation is totally idealistic and doesn't factor in resistance, both to you, and to changing his lifestyle. That just has to be worked with as it arises, skillfully and sincerely.

Getting him to attend a 12 step meeting or read some books on personal stories of recovery and strategies would be another supplement. I guess the main thing to remember would be that he always has some room to improve his situation, however slightly. That's something everyone has to realize, your family included, because they can serve as a source of hope, and at the same time, a source of time, without even realizing it.

This is good stuff, Edahn.

I've tried the buddy-buddy approach as a way to probe deeper into the the inherent workings of his psychological attitude. He's a fun, emotionally-intelligent guy (moreso than I am), and is able to provide convincing alternative indicators that he's "getting better" (which of course feeds into my bottom line and makes me want to believe him, thereby enabling him further (I want to trust him)).

The 12-step approach is a very good methodology to consider. While he's made a few attempts before, I don't think he's taken it seriously. Getting reinforcement from recovering addicts is a good way to find camaraderie without sacrificing the "elephant in the room"/dignity issue.

What I'm saying? "Punishment" never caused a recovery. It can't be "made" by someone else.

Alcoholics, once they enter third stage alcoholism, already are scared to death at some deep psychological level. They're caught up and they know it. And they know not the way out. Not because they haven't been taught, but because giving up their chemical is the worst possible hell they can imagine. It is seen as life-sustaining to them.

To present a very ill alcoholic a choice, even symbolically, between family and the bottle is a no-brainer for him. Doesn't work. (Sometimes it will for a period of time until he can be assured that he's got his enablers back in his life.)

I'm talking about love with detachment. Tough love. A lot of people think they understand the concept and really don't. This is what Alanon teaches. And the method provides hope and a sense of security that they are doing the right thing to people who love alcoholics.

Hmm.

It seems like this is something that I should explore deeper. While I understand what you're saying, I think you have a valid point that I'm missing the bigger point of the exercise.

I suggest looking into Al-Anon.

Noted -- thank you, Udog.
 

Anja

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I think there's a lot going on with addiction and it takes a while to unravel. The question of where to start (your question, and the hardest question), I think, depends on both where he's at, how his mind and body work, and what your relationship with him is like. Since I don't have any of that information, and since that information is hard to convey in words, I can try speaking from my own experience and what I might do.

This is true. But it is not the place to start. The best approach is behavioral. Getting into personal action. And the focus needs to be on the person who is troubled rather than on the person who is troubling him.

When the barn is on fire, you don't go looking for the arsonist. You put out the fire.

Once your actions are alligned with health for yourself, the stage is better set for recovery of the family member.

The goal isn't to figure out what's wrong with him and how to fix it. The goal is to determine how you fit into the puzzle and stop it.

The answers to the causology, if they come at all, come after family stability. Working on those is "fine tuning."

The neat thing is that the cause of the behavior doesn't need to be determined in order to effect a change, only to maintain it. Addicts don't need to know why they use in order to stop. Thank goodness, because some never figure it out but remain sober.
 
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