A Real Question (re:Addiction & Family Dynamics)

[MacGuffin]

This is difficult.

Al-Anon is a good suggestion.

You really can't do anything for an addict until s/he finally decides on their own to stop. From what I can tell, there is little you can do other than emotionally support him when he does try to make an attempt (like rehab) to quit.

Giving him money or helping him when he's not getting clean probably only helps him support his addiction (as you found out before).

It's hard with someone you love. Just let him know you do love him and will be there for him when he does stop.

 

[ptgatsby]

I don't have much to say, on the topic, except that I think an earlier piece of advice applies in a different way. I would talk to a professional (either addiction or counselor) about what role you play that is both beneficial for him and emotionally safe for you. Professionals know a lot more about addiction than the average person, not because knowledge isn't available, but because experience counts for a huge amount in the diagnosis.

My last comment isn't all that meaningful, but be aware that our own actions are rarely motivated by honestly wanting to help someone else. Right now the tug of war is between your obligation/familiarity/etc. and frustration/distance/self-harm. In a way, cutting off contact is more about you putting distance than trying to help him. The only real justification for distance is if he really cannot be helped and he is putting a high cost on you. Otherwise you can simply say that you'll be there when he goes for help again, otherwise you aren't.

One lesson from my own life is that you encourage dedication - for instance, if he comes and asks for help to go back to rehab, and needs money, you still don't give it to him. Your support is emotional - he has to do the work to put it together. But again, this is why I suggest talking to a professional... my situation is different than yours.

(I suggest the professional if the interest is mostly in helping him: if it is about the impact it has on you, the answer is more obvious.)

 

[Night]

I would talk to a professional (either addiction or counselor) about what role you play that is both beneficial for him and emotionally safe for you.

My last comment isn't all that meaningful, but be aware that our own actions are rarely motivated by honestly wanting to help someone else.

One lesson from my own life is that you encourage dedication - for instance, if he comes and asks for help to go back to rehab, and needs money, you still don't give it to him. Your support is emotional - he has to do the work to put it together. But again, this is why I suggest talking to a professional... my situation is different than yours.

(I suggest the professional if the interest is mostly in helping him: if it is about the impact it has on you, the answer is more obvious.)

I agree with your position on helping others/compassion. All interactive behavior is performed with a symbiotic expectation in mind. In this case, I give him money/support because:

1. I don't want him to suffer.
2. I don't want to suffer.

There really is no emotional distinction when one considers the self from another "self". Conversely, choosing to isolate myself from him reveals the same variables:

1. I don't want him to suffer.
2. I don't want to suffer.

Good points.

This is difficult.

Giving him money or helping him when he's not getting clean probably only helps him support his addiction (as you found out before).

It's hard with someone you love. Just let him know you do love him and will be there for him when he does stop.

This is good rationale, Mac.

Not feeding his addiction is the best route to a healthy life that I can offer him. Staying consistent in this role is the hard part.

 

[MacGuffin]

Yeah, it's hard to stay consistent. You don't want him to suffer, you want to stop the suffering.

Addicts also get really good at making you feel guilty. They make it like you are hurting them, but it's just the addiction talking. The addiction is the ruler of their lives until they boot it via their own choice.

 

[prplchknz]

if he's anything like me when comes to stopping destructive behaviors, even knowing that it needs to stop if people start telling me to quit and putting constraints on I'm likely to become more destructive. I have no real advice. of course I was planning on quitting/ getting help but I don't really voice this to people around me.

 

[Anja]

I just wanted to say that you have my sympathy (and empathy) Night. Loving an addict is a painful experience in helplessness.

And there are solutions.

The professionals? Some of them understand addiction and others of them give all kinds of counter-productive advice.

I really do push Alanon here because I have seen it bring a new perspective to many people over the years. And peace of mind regardless of whether the addict changes or not. It truly, if applied correctly, makes a difference in the unenviable position you find yourself in.

And what's cool about it is that you are receiving help from people who've been there/done that, not people who've learned from a book. They know what you are feeling and are living examples of what works.

And. It's free!

__________________________________________________________

Something which has always amused and distressed me is how much people who love addicts become mirror images of the addict himself. They carry the same feelings of guilt, helplessness and anger as the addict does. And, as the addict, can be very resistant to the idea that they could use some help!

Big encouraging hugs and healthy energy sent your way.

 

[BlueScreen]

I don't know about INFPs, but if he was ENFP the best solution would be to get him to see something better he can do instead. If the choice is between addiction, and nothing; or addiction, and conformity, addiction will always seem the attractive option. It does damage to one's self but it gives some fulfillment. The void does not.

I think what I'm saying is to be an addict and not seek help normally requires an underlying problem. Like he wants to check out from the world in the first place, and the alcohol helps that. Having a group of people who want to check him into rehab may not help this. In a way, it puts you on the side of the enemy. The connection that you are checking him into rehab because you care, might not be made as strongly by him. Love and support, and him seeing something he really wants in life, is the most likely thing to motivate him to get out of it. Find what his dreams in life are, or help him find them. You guys want him to finish college, complete a degree, be successful. He might want to be something completely different.

Offering financial support also creates a dependence relationship. If you be a brother instead, as said in earlier posts, it will be a more healthy relationship. Go visit with food and play PS3 or something. Help him see what he is missing by avoiding social stuff. Help him to get out more and do the stuff he wants. Try to make it a smooth ride with few expectations, or emotional stress also. The stress in relationships may be one of the things that drives him to rehide in the addiction. You can't convince him to change, just help him see reasons to convince himself.

 

[Anja]

I'm gonna go at this again:

If he has been drinking problematically long enough to pile up that many treatments he needs to drink in order to feel normal. He will feel uncomfortable, or downright sick, when he tries to abstain.

You can't punish or bribe an alcoholic to stop. Not for long, I should say. You can actually do very little until he can see/feel his own mess.

The "underlying problem" is a red herring at this point. Actually some alcoholics will use that excuse as a reason not to quit.

Example: "I'll quite drinking when some of the pressure is off me. Right now I'm just too tense."

Don't wanna go there with an addict. Horse and carrot works but that comes later in the recovery.

 

[Totenkindly]

I think the support groups referenced are good. Not only can they provide emotional encouragement, but they have lots of collective experience in situations such as these, specifically.

Dealing with my father's 40+ year addiction, I really wasn't able to make headway and I eventually just emotionally detached from him. For many years I experienced guilt over how I was unable to save him or get through to him; then I accepted that he wasn't ready to change. I don't know the best way to get through; I just know that, if the person isn't ready and committed to changing and facing themselves and their own behaviors and attitudes, then you either won't be able to make them do it either, and anything you give them will be taken from you without any positive response, and even if you force something out of them, it'll never make any long-term change.

 

[bluebell]

Addicts also get really good at making you feel guilty. They make it like you are hurting them, but it's just the addiction talking. The addiction is the ruler of their lives until they boot it via their own choice.

Yep, been there done that with an in-law. In my opinion, there is nothing you can do until the addict realises that there is a problem and that they want to do something about it. IME, there's not really anything you can do to speed up that process. And some of coming to terms with watching someone who is addicted is coming to terms with the idea that they may never sort themselves out and may never live a healthy life.

Edit: Anja's suggestion of Al-Anon sounds like a good one. Family dynamics does play into it.

 

[ajblaise]

Ibogaine might be worth looking into.

Ibogaine Gaining on Alcohol Addiction

 

[Anja]

Ibogaine might be worth looking into.

Ibogaine Gaining on Alcohol Addiction

Alcoholism was only designated by medical doctors as a disease in 1956. In spite of that fact many practitioners continue to believe that it's naughty behavior, lifestyle or bad habit.

Since that time many chemical cures have been developed as people strive to solve the puzzle of addiction.

The piece that is missing for those hopeful of curing a chronic condition by medication is that addiction has a two-fold component. When a person has met the criteria of a diagnosis of addiction they have two addictions to deal with.

One is addiction of the body. This is "curable." Once a person has gone through the process of detoxification they are no longer physically addicted to the substance.

The more dificult part to treat is the psychological aspect of addiction. This is the piece which causes relapse and is really too complicated to get into in any depth here. But this is the "other" addiction which causes repeated failure for people who attempt to stay abstinent for any length of time.

So, very much like clinical depression, treatment soley employing a medication will not address the underlying issues of preoccupation and other mental abberations which lead to a return to the use of the drug. Then, again, physical addiction becomes engaged, and the cycle repeats.

A change in the way one thinks and deals with feelings is necessary for long-term abstinence. Most addictive psychoactive chemicals have a mood-altering aspect which causes problems in a healthy processing of emotion. There is damage to be repaired and abstinence itself is usually not a long-term solution.

Then there is the concommitent brain damage to impair thinking which is sometimes unaddressable.

I've heard a few folks I know look to this drug for a hope of permanent cure. And I've heard a lot of laughter about it from recovering addicts. It remains to be seen whether this will provide safety to addicts.

The track record with strictly medicinal treatment so far hasn't been good. But the plague of addiction and its widespread social effects make us hopeful. It would truly be a boon to the world if addicts could simply take another drug to solve their problems.

 

[pippi]

This is about where I'm at. The only curveball I have left is emotional distance. "Punishing" his choice of behavior by isolating myself from him.



More or less. He's almost entirely alone.

No Christmas appearance (despite phone calls, random visits to his apartment, etc) or word from him in almost...2 months.

I try not to consider what this means.

Do you need the emotional distance? If you are doing it as a last resort to get him to come to his senses I don't think there is any value in it, he just won't care. But if watching him slowly kill himself is too hard then you need to get some distance for yourself.

There is always the possibility that he will take that out of your hands, the fact that he hasn't been in touch is a bad sign. I know that enabling him by helping to support him sounds wrong, but you need to do what feels right to you. He's going to drink until he decides not to, whether you help pay his rent or not. You can't help him if you lose contact. It's possible that he'll never be able to beat the addiction, but his odds drop if he has no one believing in him.

Unfortunately I speak from experience. My younger brother moved back with my parents a number of times over a 10 year period, did programs, nothing ever worked. He felt like a failure and didn't want us to see him like that so eventually he cut off contact and disappeared. He died of untreated cancer 5 years later, with $200 to his name. I don't know if it would have turned out differently if he'd still been in touch and that haunts me.

There is no right answer to this dilemma, if you feel better helping him, then keep helping him. If you need distance, then get some. You matter in this equation, he has to help himself. I know this is cold comfort, but in the end, what you do or don't do probably won't make any difference at all.