"Fear of revealing too much" - Analyzing the feeling

[GargoylesLegacy]

Rather it's the belief that if I tell others everything, I'll reach a certain point where I have nothing left to add. Is this a false belief?

No, unfortunately it is not. It's rather true.
Some people like to hear new stuff once in a while, and when you told them everything about yourself it can happen that you get "boring" and they either don't talk to you so much anymore or stop completely. I have experienced that myself a couple of times. And I must say I was on both sides already: the one being bored and also the boring one.

What I did to stop this is the following: Instead of telling people everything about myself right away, I let them ask what they want to know. AND additionally I will reveal them some things as some sort of bonus. You kinda have to pay attention, that you grade all the information about you over a longer time span. This way you won't get bored or boring too fast.
What also helps is, if you have contact thru mails instead of chats, phone or every day communication. Because a mail is like a letter: it takes longer to respond, which won't allow you to give away too much information at once.

I know that sometimes it is quite hard to keep back, but you should give it a shot. It's much cooler because you can discover the other person (or let yourself get discovered) much longer.

Whatever I do, my rule is to not give away everything at once, but to steadily raise the information. =)

 

[Snow Turtle]

That's certainly a different view GL. Thanks
Does anybody else share his sentiment?

 

[redacted]

For me, I always fear that if I reveal too much, people will have more power over me than I would like. I always like to control the amount of information people have that affects me...

I think this all started when I was walking home from school one day when I was like 10 and realized "holy shit, knowledge really is power. if I don't give my parents knowledge about me, they won't have as much power over me."

 

[nolla]

What I did to stop this is the following: Instead of telling people everything about myself right away, I let them ask what they want to know. AND additionally I will reveal them some things as some sort of bonus. You kinda have to pay attention, that you grade all the information about you over a longer time span. This way you won't get bored or boring too fast.

That's an interesting attitude... it does sound quite unnatural, though. If I did this it would be an effort, and I don't like to feel that kind of pressure. It is strange, though, that I don't usually share that much with other people IRL, so you might say I already do this but not consciously.

I agree that it can get boring, but I disagree on why it gets boring. It isn't like the stuff will run out, it just can't get any deeper anymore, and no one will take the step back to shallow, because the common deep topic is gone.

Another thing, maybe related to this topic that I have experienced is that when you meet someone who at one point "knew it all", it can get awkward because you changed a lot and they treat you based on outdated "knowledge"... Well.. Not like the end of the world but a nasty side effect of this kind of sharing.

 

[Snow Turtle]

The thing is... even if people do get closer by sharing, it can get to a point that all you talk about is something "deep" and when there isn't any more truly truly deep stuff, everything feels a bit empty. So, the danger is that you fool yourself to believe that talking about your soul or stuff like that is the only thing that matters. It isn't more valuable subject than what you had for dinner. Sometimes I feel like people who talk deep are just trying to take a shortcut. It can backfire, I tell you...

I agree that it can get boring, but I disagree on why it gets boring. It isn't like the stuff will run out, it just can't get any deeper anymore, and no one will take the step back to shallow, because the common deep topic is gone.

This definitely stood out to me, being a nice kick back to reality.

All friendships will eventually return back to topics that are deemed somewhat shallow? Is this 100% certainty?

 

[kendoiwan]

Anything I say can and will be used against me.

 

[nolla]

All friendships will eventually return back to topics that are deemed somewhat shallow? Is this 100% certainty?

The topics, yeah, they will. But the topics of discussion are not what defines the friendship shallow or deep.

 

[GargoylesLegacy]

That's an interesting attitude... it does sound quite unnatural, though. If I did this it would be an effort, and I don't like to feel that kind of pressure.

Hm, well it wasn't too hard for me personally. Because it was just a thing I needed to change. Because the least thing I want, is stuff to be boring, or rather ME to be boring. For my own sake I mean. I want myself to be interesting (not measured by others, but by myself), so in the end it wasn't too unnatural. For me at least. =)

I agree that it can get boring, but I disagree on why it gets boring. It isn't like the stuff will run out, it just can't get any deeper anymore, and no one will take the step back to shallow, because the common deep topic is gone.

Yep, true. I guess I didn't explain it too well or better yet forgot to mention that. Thanks! =)

Another thing, maybe related to this topic that I have experienced is that when you meet someone who at one point "knew it all", it can get awkward because you changed a lot and they treat you based on outdated "knowledge".

Personally, I kinda hate that. Especially if you changed something about yourself that was "bad" and people still keep treating you like the last ass on earth. Tho, gladly not all people are like that. There are those people I like to call "archeologysts", who will dig on you. And so of course they will also dig when you changed. It's awesome.
Personally I try to do the same. I am very forgiving. At least as long as people are honest to me and stand up for their faults; stick to it. You get the point.

 

[Salomé]

See now I have this off to a fine art - I let people think that I am an open book but really I am far from it. DOn't know why I am secretive, always have been from a child.. Is it to do with type, I'm not sure as some of the other ENFPs I have met seem pretty open and honest but then again they could be playing the game too!

I know another ENFP exactly like this.

Anything I say can and will be used against me.

+1

I find that I share different aspects of myself with different ppl. No one person knows it all. It's a power/trust thing.

 

[LostInNerSpace]

I'm very secretive, myself. I don't think anything about me is anybody's business but my own. I share if I feel like it or have a reason. It's not an overstatement to say people who have read a lot of my posts on this forum would know more about me than a lot of my own family. I never really have any intention of sharing. I don't see what difference it would make either way to a bunch of random internet Avatars.

 

[nolla]

Personally, I kinda hate that. Especially if you changed something about yourself that was "bad" and people still keep treating you like the last ass on earth. Tho, gladly not all people are like that. There are those people I like to call "archeologysts", who will dig on you. And so of course they will also dig when you changed. It's awesome.
Personally I try to do the same. I am very forgiving. At least as long as people are honest to me and stand up for their faults; stick to it. You get the point.

I like to do my digging in secret and I actually think that my friends do that as well... You know, we could be talking about something really mundane and still, the attitudes and tones and such give a lot of information. The same kind of info you might get with the deep conversations. The reason I think this is better for me is because the self-analyzing and all that (stuff that my deep conversations are about), those things are so subjective that it is possible that the stuff you "reveal" about yourself is something that you just imagined, projected, whatever.. and then there will be another awkward situation coming along in the future if they believed that you really are what you thought you are...

 

[miss fortune]

I don't think that it's just an introvert thing at all

Like Wild Horses I tend to appear a lot more open than I really am- I'm a friendly person in general and tend to talk quite a bit.

On the other hand, I don't think that my business is anyone else's business. If everyone knew what I was up to they may try to interfere, hug me or thwart my plans, and this must NOT occur :steam:

Everyone has walls- it just depends on why and how they use them. I've had quite a few people complain that no matter how long they've known me they don't think that they have a clue to anything personal about me (like all of those feeling things and such ). I beleive in compartmentalization, just like everyone else. I just appear not to on the surface, as there's no greater mistake for others to make than to underestimate you

 

[Wild horses]

Yea completely agree I just don't want to share every single thought and feeling with everyone. I almost have a feeling that somehow it cheapens your soul dunno just my random thoughts

 

[A Schnitzel]

I don't even know everything about myself, so I don't think revealing everything will ever be a problem.

 

[GargoylesLegacy]

Yea completely agree I just don't want to share every single thought and feeling with everyone. I almost have a feeling that somehow it cheapens your soul dunno just my random thoughts

Bleh, neither do I. IF I only imagine I would share ALL of my thoughts with somebody...I would feel more than just naked. I would feel spiritually raped!
Oh and also, my thoughts are not all interesting and how is that saying? "Talking is silver, being quiet is gold". Or also "I'd rather be quiet and let people think of me as stupid than to speak and eliminate all doubts".

 

[Wild horses]

I LIKE THOSE QUOTES!!! esp the one about silver and gold!!!

 

[nolla]

I would feel more than just naked. I would feel spiritually raped!

I rather enjoy nudity.

There! I shared. Do you feel us bonding?

 

[GargoylesLegacy]

I LIKE THOSE QUOTES!!! esp the one about silver and gold!!!

*lol* Glad you do. But if I tell you where they are from, you will laugh hard.

I rather enjoy nudity.
There! I shared. Do you feel us bonding?

Yeah, very much. *laughs*
Gee, sorry. You just caught me off guard with that. Delicious.

*cough* Anyways. Let me get serious again. =P

 

[Wild horses]

I love to laugh please tell me!

 

[ThatGirl]

For me, I always fear that if I reveal too much, people will have more power over me than I would like. I always like to control the amount of information people have that affects me...

I think this all started when I was walking home from school one day when I was like 10 and realized "holy shit, knowledge really is power. if I don't give my parents knowledge about me, they won't have as much power over me."

This actually got me to thinking about my approach. I'd say that i am very open about everything. But, for the same motivation. Im kind of like I will give you whatever information because then there is nothing you have on me. Because I gave it to you and already planned around it. No surprises and if you have anything to say, well then, i saw it comming. As a result, noone can really call me out on anything.

But, somewhere, deeeeeep in there, I'm sure there is more to me, but hey, if you find it...good for you, if not, then fuck you too.