• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

A question for extraverts

Lateralus

New member
Joined
May 18, 2007
Messages
6,262
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
3w4
I know we don't have many on this board, which is unfortunate, but I have a question and this is the only place I think I might get an answer.

In my personal experience, every time I've asked an extravert (of genuine curiosity mind you!) why they applied intonation they way the did, used the phraseology they used, or made the facial expression they made, they become noticeably uncomfortable, if not confrontational.

This doesn't cut down N or S lines, either; when I've asked my ISXX and INXX friends the same nature of question, they have always taken a moment or so to contemplate and given me an honest response, even if it was "I don't really know". Conversely, regardless of N or S, my extravert friends all act as I described above.

What's the deal with that???

I use italics and multiple question marks because I am genuinely mystified.
I've never been asked this before. Though, I've had more than a few people nickname me "smiles". :rolli: I'd probably make some silly comment, but I don't know. I don't plan out my conversations.
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
50,191
MBTI Type
BELF
Enneagram
594
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
First and foremost, there's really no need for someone to ask me why I'm doing something a certain way. I take it as criticism because I see it as a form of disapproval. I feel kind of like an outcast. When someone questions how or why I did something the way I did, I automatically think I'm doing something wrong, and I don't like feeling that. Half of the time I don't realize I did something "wrong" so I feel embarrassed because of it.
It also annoys me with things that are trivial.. Questions like "Why do you always check if your locker is locked after you close it?" (yes, I've been asked this before) are the worst. "Why do you write on your binder/why do like those shoes/why why why." Well my question is, why does it matter?
On a final note it annoys me when someone asks about something I really can't change. Something like "Why do you read with your head tilted?" will definitely annoy me because I can't change it.
Any better?

Very good, very informative answer! :)

I'm not an extrovert by any means, and I can identify with some of the annoyances you mention. Often there seems to be an insinuated judgment just in that a particular question is being asked at *all*, and I just want people to get out of my face.
 

proteanmix

Plumage and Moult
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
5,514
Enneagram
1w2
I'm going to agree with girlnamedbless. Most of the time when people say "Why do you always do X?" it's usually to voice a complaint about something the person does that they other person doesn't like. I'm not saying all the time, but most of the time. I think the "always" part is where the problem lies. You have to consider the person's body language to see if its curiosity or criticism.

If you are genuinely curious about something that you notice a person does habitually, take the heat off the other person and put it on yourself by saying something like, "I notice you do X," or "You seem to have a tendency to do X." Those statements may sound like hedging, but the person in question is less likely to take it as criticism. It sounds less accusatory, more open ended, and if it really is something bad then at least you sound like the person can change this behavior.
 

girlnamedbless

New member
Joined
May 19, 2007
Messages
186
MBTI Type
ESFJ
I'm going to agree with girlnamedbless. Most of the time when people say "Why do you always do X?" it's usually to voice a complaint about something the person does that they other person doesn't like. I'm not saying all the time, but most of the time. I think the "always" part is where the problem lies. You have to consider the person's body language to see if its curiosity or criticism.

If you are genuinely curious about something that you notice a person does habitually, take the heat off the other person and put it on yourself by saying something like, "I notice you do X," or "You seem to have a tendency to do X." Those statements may sound like hedging, but the person in question is less likely to take it as criticism. It sounds less accusatory, more open ended, and if it really is something bad then at least you sound like the person can change this behavior.

I definitely agree. It really does depend on how someone asks me. If something I'm doing is genuinely bothering someone, then I would like to approach me in a calm, mature manner. But pointing out my flaws/habits for no reason is what bothers me.
 

niffer

New member
Joined
Apr 26, 2007
Messages
1,217
MBTI Type
ENfP
Enneagram
8w9
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
^

Exactly! Especially the tone of voice too - it matters.
 

niffer

New member
Joined
Apr 26, 2007
Messages
1,217
MBTI Type
ENfP
Enneagram
8w9
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
If you speak in monotone then it doesn't sound like a question anymore.

It would be nicer if you said, "I notice that every time x happens, you do x." Because then it would seem like you were genuinely curious enough to take some time to make a few connections and think about it. It sounds less like an attack or expression of disgust that way. You're making an observation, and inviting the extrovert to give you an answer to why they might be doing that action every time x happens, instead of forcing out an answer. Remember, a lot of things that you might not be able to figure out a reason for are probably just little idiosyncrasies of the person. And most of the time, it doesn't really matter why they do have them. Before you ask "why, why, why?" first establish that it cannot be contradicted with "why not, why not, why not?"
 

Mycroft

The elder Holmes
Joined
Jun 7, 2007
Messages
1,068
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
I'm curious where the assumption that I ask these questions in an aggressive, accusatory tone of voice began.
 

niffer

New member
Joined
Apr 26, 2007
Messages
1,217
MBTI Type
ENfP
Enneagram
8w9
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
:) Somewhere during backwards E thinking and making random connections to all sorts of things.
 

Brendan

Guerilla Urbanist
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
911
MBTI Type
ENFJ
I know we don't have many on this board, which is unfortunate, but I have a question and this is the only place I think I might get an answer.

In my personal experience, every time I've asked an extravert (of genuine curiosity mind you!) why they applied intonation they way the did, used the phraseology they used, or made the facial expression they made, they become noticeably uncomfortable, if not confrontational.

This doesn't cut down N or S lines, either; when I've asked my ISXX and INXX friends the same nature of question, they have always taken a moment or so to contemplate and given me an honest response, even if it was "I don't really know". Conversely, regardless of N or S, my extravert friends all act as I described above.

What's the deal with that???

I use italics and multiple question marks because I am genuinely mystified.
I get uncomfortable when people scrutinize me if I don't think they're just genuinely curious. I never had a whole lot of friends and I got made fun of alot, so I usually interpret commentary on myself as a threat.
 

Ghost of the dead horse

filling some space
Joined
Sep 7, 2007
Messages
3,553
MBTI Type
ENTJ
I am an ENXX and I get annoyed out of that sort of questions, as I think that non-verbal communication would be best replied by non-verbal communication. Good communicators and observant people do notice such expressions and act appropriately. People can easily follow two communications on the same time, verbal and non-verbal. Taking the non-verbal communication as the topic of discussion disrupts the real discussion.

Extraverts are not looking for verbal affirmation on their non-verbal communication, either. They expect their partrers to do their own thing, whether that is showing a dull face, excitement, or anything.

Extraverts comment on non-verbal clues too, tho. It can be in the form of "oh, you'r THAT excited, uh?" in a light manner. They take the non-verbal clues as communication, if anything. Extraverts also sometimes paradoxically maintain the sense that their whole communication should be regarded as natural, no matter how heavily constructed or acted it really is.

Only extraverts really ever go so hard for the game of pretending, i.e. that I pretend to be interesting and you pretend to be interested, and the weird setup of the situation is not to be commented. The whole game is set up to increase conformity and to gain acceptance, or at least for the practice of skills. The game is lost by breaking the illusion.
 
Top