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  1. #21
    Senior Member Lateralus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mycroft View Post
    I know we don't have many on this board, which is unfortunate, but I have a question and this is the only place I think I might get an answer.

    In my personal experience, every time I've asked an extravert (of genuine curiosity mind you!) why they applied intonation they way the did, used the phraseology they used, or made the facial expression they made, they become noticeably uncomfortable, if not confrontational.

    This doesn't cut down N or S lines, either; when I've asked my ISXX and INXX friends the same nature of question, they have always taken a moment or so to contemplate and given me an honest response, even if it was "I don't really know". Conversely, regardless of N or S, my extravert friends all act as I described above.

    What's the deal with that???

    I use italics and multiple question marks because I am genuinely mystified.
    I've never been asked this before. Though, I've had more than a few people nickname me "smiles". :rolli: I'd probably make some silly comment, but I don't know. I don't plan out my conversations.
    "We grow up thinking that beliefs are something to be proud of, but they're really nothing but opinions one refuses to reconsider. Beliefs are easy. The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because "strength of belief" is only the intensity with which you resist questioning yourself. As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you've made it a part of your ego."

  2. #22
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by girlnamedbless View Post
    First and foremost, there's really no need for someone to ask me why I'm doing something a certain way. I take it as criticism because I see it as a form of disapproval. I feel kind of like an outcast. When someone questions how or why I did something the way I did, I automatically think I'm doing something wrong, and I don't like feeling that. Half of the time I don't realize I did something "wrong" so I feel embarrassed because of it.
    It also annoys me with things that are trivial.. Questions like "Why do you always check if your locker is locked after you close it?" (yes, I've been asked this before) are the worst. "Why do you write on your binder/why do like those shoes/why why why." Well my question is, why does it matter?
    On a final note it annoys me when someone asks about something I really can't change. Something like "Why do you read with your head tilted?" will definitely annoy me because I can't change it.
    Any better?
    Very good, very informative answer!

    I'm not an extrovert by any means, and I can identify with some of the annoyances you mention. Often there seems to be an insinuated judgment just in that a particular question is being asked at *all*, and I just want people to get out of my face.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  3. #23
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    I'm going to agree with girlnamedbless. Most of the time when people say "Why do you always do X?" it's usually to voice a complaint about something the person does that they other person doesn't like. I'm not saying all the time, but most of the time. I think the "always" part is where the problem lies. You have to consider the person's body language to see if its curiosity or criticism.

    If you are genuinely curious about something that you notice a person does habitually, take the heat off the other person and put it on yourself by saying something like, "I notice you do X," or "You seem to have a tendency to do X." Those statements may sound like hedging, but the person in question is less likely to take it as criticism. It sounds less accusatory, more open ended, and if it really is something bad then at least you sound like the person can change this behavior.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  4. #24
    Senior Member girlnamedbless's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    I'm going to agree with girlnamedbless. Most of the time when people say "Why do you always do X?" it's usually to voice a complaint about something the person does that they other person doesn't like. I'm not saying all the time, but most of the time. I think the "always" part is where the problem lies. You have to consider the person's body language to see if its curiosity or criticism.

    If you are genuinely curious about something that you notice a person does habitually, take the heat off the other person and put it on yourself by saying something like, "I notice you do X," or "You seem to have a tendency to do X." Those statements may sound like hedging, but the person in question is less likely to take it as criticism. It sounds less accusatory, more open ended, and if it really is something bad then at least you sound like the person can change this behavior.
    I definitely agree. It really does depend on how someone asks me. If something I'm doing is genuinely bothering someone, then I would like to approach me in a calm, mature manner. But pointing out my flaws/habits for no reason is what bothers me.
    I bet they'll put something in the air tonight, just to light your face.

  5. #25
    Senior Member niffer's Avatar
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    ^

    Exactly! Especially the tone of voice too - it matters.
    sparkly sparkly rainbow excretions

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatGirl View Post
    holy shit am I a feeler?
    if you like my avatar, it's because i took it myself! : D

  6. #26
    The elder Holmes Mycroft's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by niffer View Post
    ^

    Exactly! Especially the tone of voice too - it matters.
    Is talking in a flat monotone acceptable?
    Dost thou love Life? Then do not squander Time; for that's the Stuff Life is made of.

    -- Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack, June 1746 --

  7. #27
    Senior Member niffer's Avatar
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    If you speak in monotone then it doesn't sound like a question anymore.

    It would be nicer if you said, "I notice that every time x happens, you do x." Because then it would seem like you were genuinely curious enough to take some time to make a few connections and think about it. It sounds less like an attack or expression of disgust that way. You're making an observation, and inviting the extrovert to give you an answer to why they might be doing that action every time x happens, instead of forcing out an answer. Remember, a lot of things that you might not be able to figure out a reason for are probably just little idiosyncrasies of the person. And most of the time, it doesn't really matter why they do have them. Before you ask "why, why, why?" first establish that it cannot be contradicted with "why not, why not, why not?"
    sparkly sparkly rainbow excretions

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatGirl View Post
    holy shit am I a feeler?
    if you like my avatar, it's because i took it myself! : D

  8. #28
    The elder Holmes Mycroft's Avatar
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    I'm curious where the assumption that I ask these questions in an aggressive, accusatory tone of voice began.
    Dost thou love Life? Then do not squander Time; for that's the Stuff Life is made of.

    -- Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack, June 1746 --

  9. #29
    Senior Member niffer's Avatar
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    Somewhere during backwards E thinking and making random connections to all sorts of things.
    sparkly sparkly rainbow excretions

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatGirl View Post
    holy shit am I a feeler?
    if you like my avatar, it's because i took it myself! : D

  10. #30
    Guerilla Urbanist Brendan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mycroft View Post
    I know we don't have many on this board, which is unfortunate, but I have a question and this is the only place I think I might get an answer.

    In my personal experience, every time I've asked an extravert (of genuine curiosity mind you!) why they applied intonation they way the did, used the phraseology they used, or made the facial expression they made, they become noticeably uncomfortable, if not confrontational.

    This doesn't cut down N or S lines, either; when I've asked my ISXX and INXX friends the same nature of question, they have always taken a moment or so to contemplate and given me an honest response, even if it was "I don't really know". Conversely, regardless of N or S, my extravert friends all act as I described above.

    What's the deal with that???

    I use italics and multiple question marks because I am genuinely mystified.
    I get uncomfortable when people scrutinize me if I don't think they're just genuinely curious. I never had a whole lot of friends and I got made fun of alot, so I usually interpret commentary on myself as a threat.
    There is no such thing as separation from God.

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