User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 12

  1. #1
    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    1,123

    Default Baseless(?) Fear

    I'm currently debating moving back home to where I grew up after having been gone for almost 5 years. I moved to an urban area about 13 hours away from my family (on a good day of driving) from a very rural and ... disconnected? ... home town.

    When I left, it was essentially to get myself out of a depressing/nearly desperate for change, situation. The only adult memories I have of that town are sad and difficult... and trying to tell my brain that things are not as they were, and that I myself have changed is proving difficult.

    How do you dis-associate a place or people with a difficult time in your life? I believe that I'm afraid to move back home simply because I fear a repeat of the state of depression that I was in before I left there. I find it hard to imagine a 'happy' life there, and I'm pretty sure most of it is subconscious and not based in reality, but on past experience.

    When I was talking to my mom about perhaps moving back home, my heart literally began to pound and I found it difficult to speak... I was essentially having an anxiety attack while trying to sound happy and optimistic about the prospect of being back there.

    Should I listen to these physical signs or are they irrational fears that I should face and overcome?!

    I really do miss being around my sisters and being there for all the holidays and family events - Birthdays and such. They tell me that things are different there now and that everyone is older and wiser than they were and that they want me to come home... and that my daughter deserves to have her family around her... which is true. It really is a nice area (albiet secluded from the rest of the world and feels like its 30 years behind the times) and I wouldn't have all the 'big-city' concerns that I currently have. I can't understand what it is that makes me react the way I do when I seriously consider following through on moving though. Its frustrating and for all the logic in me, I can't seem to reason my way through it.

    Is this one of those times where I should ignore the logic and listen to that 'gut reaction'?
    Embrace the possibilities.

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    MBTI
    INxJ
    Posts
    3,917

    Default

    EDIT: More Data Please

  3. #3
    Minister of Propagandhi ajblaise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    INTP
    Posts
    7,917

    Default

    So is it that you don't want to move back, but some family/friends are pressuring you to, and that's largely what's giving you anxiety about the situation?

  4. #4
    Blah Orangey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    MBTI
    ESTP
    Enneagram
    6w5
    Socionics
    SLE
    Posts
    6,364

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ajblaise View Post
    So is it that you don't want to move back, but some family/friends are pressuring you to, and that's largely what's giving you anxiety about the situation?
    No, I think he/she's (she I think) saying that she wants to move back home, but is afraid that feelings from the past will repeat themselves because of the location change (and all of the attendant relationships/situations that that entails).

    To the OP, um, this is probably not going to be very helpful, but I would say that you need to determine the root cause of the depression that you went through the first time, and then see if that cause will still be present if and when you move back.
    Artes, Scientia, Veritasiness

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    MBTI
    INxJ
    Posts
    3,917

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    To the OP, um, this is probably not going to be very helpful, but I would say that you need to determine the root cause of the depression that you went through the first time, and then see if that cause will still be present if and when you move back.
    Second that

  6. #6
    Minister of Propagandhi ajblaise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    INTP
    Posts
    7,917

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    No, I think he/she's (she I think) saying that she wants to move back home, but is afraid that feelings from the past will repeat themselves because of the location change (and all of the attendant relationships/situations that that entails).
    Yeah that's probably it. I took the last paragraph to signify that she might be getting pressure from others to move back, and that that was what was conflicting her.

    Quote Originally Posted by Orangey View Post
    To the OP, um, this is probably not going to be very helpful, but I would say that you need to determine the root cause of the depression that you went through the first time, and then see if that cause will still be present if and when you move back.
    Yeah definitely. They're not irrational fears at all.

  7. #7
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    5,351

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Misty_Mountain_Rose View Post
    I'm currently debating moving back home to where I grew up after having been gone for almost 5 years. I moved to an urban area about 13 hours away from my family (on a good day of driving) from a very rural and ... disconnected? ... home town.

    When I left, it was essentially to get myself out of a depressing/nearly desperate for change, situation. The only adult memories I have of that town are sad and difficult... and trying to tell my brain that things are not as they were, and that I myself have changed is proving difficult.

    How do you dis-associate a place or people with a difficult time in your life? I believe that I'm afraid to move back home simply because I fear a repeat of the state of depression that I was in before I left there. I find it hard to imagine a 'happy' life there, and I'm pretty sure most of it is subconscious and not based in reality, but on past experience.

    When I was talking to my mom about perhaps moving back home, my heart literally began to pound and I found it difficult to speak... I was essentially having an anxiety attack while trying to sound happy and optimistic about the prospect of being back there.

    Should I listen to these physical signs or are they irrational fears that I should face and overcome?!

    I really do miss being around my sisters and being there for all the holidays and family events - Birthdays and such. They tell me that things are different there now and that everyone is older and wiser than they were and that they want me to come home... and that my daughter deserves to have her family around her... which is true. It really is a nice area (albiet secluded from the rest of the world and feels like its 30 years behind the times) and I wouldn't have all the 'big-city' concerns that I currently have. I can't understand what it is that makes me react the way I do when I seriously consider following through on moving though. Its frustrating and for all the logic in me, I can't seem to reason my way through it.

    Is this one of those times where I should ignore the logic and listen to that 'gut reaction'?
    Take courage, my dear.
    Having been in a similar situation myself, I can relate. The question I have for you is: are you a different person than you were back then? If you are... if you have gained sufficient emotional independence... it does not have to be the same again.

    I moved back around my family after 20 years of being away, and it was only after sufficient emotional healing. I wanted my kids to grow up around their cousins, too. Having grown up in a city of 35,000 people, I didn't like living in a large metropolitan area. I'm glad I came back here because I feel at home here. I know my way around. I'm surrounded by the familiar. I like that.

    Of course my family annoys me sometimes, and sometimes they hurt my feelings, but for the most part, I don't allow that whole co-dependent thing to go on. I dare tell my family "no" if I need to.

    If you don't think you will stand up for yourself, it might not be a good idea, but if you have the courage to live your own life and not be manipulated by them, I say it sounds like a good thing, and may even foster more healing and growth.

    I guess it depends on what you want out of life.

    If you prefer city life, if you would hate living in a place that is so "behind the times" perhaps you should stay where you are.

    If you value family ties, and small town attitudes, perhaps you would enjoy going home.


    The physical symptoms are definitely a sign of anxiety and should not be ignored.
    I suggest you write out all your thoughts and feelings until you get to the bottom of it.
    (The "bottom of it" is usually around the point where I burst out crying. )
    If you remember something that hurt you, the way to heal from it is to forgive the person/s who hurt you.
    Sometimes it's easier said than done.

  8. #8
    Once Was Synarch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Posts
    8,470

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Misty_Mountain_Rose View Post
    I'm currently debating moving back home to where I grew up after having been gone for almost 5 years. I moved to an urban area about 13 hours away from my family (on a good day of driving) from a very rural and ... disconnected? ... home town.

    When I left, it was essentially to get myself out of a depressing/nearly desperate for change, situation. The only adult memories I have of that town are sad and difficult... and trying to tell my brain that things are not as they were, and that I myself have changed is proving difficult.

    How do you dis-associate a place or people with a difficult time in your life? I believe that I'm afraid to move back home simply because I fear a repeat of the state of depression that I was in before I left there. I find it hard to imagine a 'happy' life there, and I'm pretty sure most of it is subconscious and not based in reality, but on past experience.

    When I was talking to my mom about perhaps moving back home, my heart literally began to pound and I found it difficult to speak... I was essentially having an anxiety attack while trying to sound happy and optimistic about the prospect of being back there.

    Should I listen to these physical signs or are they irrational fears that I should face and overcome?!

    I really do miss being around my sisters and being there for all the holidays and family events - Birthdays and such. They tell me that things are different there now and that everyone is older and wiser than they were and that they want me to come home... and that my daughter deserves to have her family around her... which is true. It really is a nice area (albiet secluded from the rest of the world and feels like its 30 years behind the times) and I wouldn't have all the 'big-city' concerns that I currently have. I can't understand what it is that makes me react the way I do when I seriously consider following through on moving though. Its frustrating and for all the logic in me, I can't seem to reason my way through it.

    Is this one of those times where I should ignore the logic and listen to that 'gut reaction'?
    Simple. Move close enough to travel more frequently yet far enough away for psychological distance. That way, if things get nuts you can back off while still maintaining a closer relationship with your sisters. And if you are far enough away people are less likely to drop in unannounced.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  9. #9
    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    1,123

    Default

    Thanks for the feedback guys. When I moved away I did do a lot of soul searching and I have changed a LOT. Part of me is worried that old habits and 'molds' that my family has always tried to put me in would take root again and that I'd be miserable... but I DO miss being near them more than once or twice a year.

    The buffer zone is nice to have though when they act crazy, as family is apt to do. I think the part that makes me feel like I really SHOULD go back though is that my daughter is so far removed from the rest of our family that she doesn't really have that sense of closeness that I had growing up.

    If it weren't for my daughter, I don't think I'd even be considering going back for a minute. Maybe that's where the catch is. I'm kind of pulled between doing what I think is best for her (having her near family, out of big-city life) and what I actually want for myself. I love it here in TN. I prefer the weather, the way of life is more laid back and I feel a great sense of accomplishment for the job I have, the friends I've made and the hurdles I've overcome. But the guilt at not being there for the important things, and knowing that my family cannot attend my daughters school plays or be there to open gifts on Christmas eats away at me.

    :sad:
    Embrace the possibilities.

  10. #10
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    enfp
    Enneagram
    6w7 sp/sx
    Socionics
    IEE
    Posts
    6,747

    Default

    I think that sometimes its just healthier to be away from family, if it is for the better of the situation overall. Maybe its more important for your daughter to have a happy mentally-healthy mom showing up at plays and opening Christmas gifts with her. Love and security is the most important part of growing up, but it doesn't necissarily have to be from blood-family members if that would be a bad situation. You have good friends, too. She may grow up to consider them to be like a family to her.
    I only say this because I grew up away from my family, in a low-income apartment complex for students with families. (My mom wanted to get her education so we moved to a college town three hours away.) I also never met my father. All the neighborhood kids were kind of in the same situation as me. But it was love, and security, and safety, and a support system. (All the families bonded together and took care of eachother) And I think that's what mattered.

Similar Threads

  1. What underlies the fear of rejection?
    By ThatsWhatHeSaid in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 01-25-2008, 01:08 AM
  2. Childhood fears
    By Athenian200 in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 27
    Last Post: 01-20-2008, 03:10 AM
  3. [ENFP] ENFP: Lack of Fear of Germs?
    By Usehername in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 71
    Last Post: 01-16-2008, 11:12 PM
  4. Eliminate one fear
    By ThatsWhatHeSaid in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 54
    Last Post: 12-12-2007, 03:48 PM
  5. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
    By ygolo in forum Philosophy and Spirituality
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 10-27-2007, 10:18 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO