Jealousy and Envy

[Siúil a Rúin]

"There is only room for only SO in our life ?" If you think so, you have never been in love

I agree that people are complex enough that it is hard to make a case that applies across the board. However, there is increased potential for complicating one's life if a person has too many significant others. That term implies prioritization. If you prioritize too many people to that degree all I can say is, good luck.

Part of the opposing views of trusting enough to not be jealous vs. valuing enough to jealously fear the loss of the other can lead to misunderstanding I think. A lack of romantic jealousy implies no fear of loss. This can be interpreted different ways and can mean various things depending on the situation and people involved.

 

[SolitaryWalker]

Jealousy is to talk about something you dont have. Envy is to kill for something you dont have.

In this context their essence is the same, one is simply the intensification of the other, though where in the dictionary do you find such definitions?

 

[cherchair]

I'm female, INFJ.
I remember being envious of girls in college whose lives seemed so orderly in comparison to the rollercoaster chaos of my own. They looked so "normal" and I wanted that. I told myself if I tried hard enough, I could have that outward sense of serenity and self-confidence, but never achieved it. Some of this envy persisted through my 20s when I spent half my life on 72-hr holds in psych units and the other half explaining to friends, employers, etc. where I'd been without letting them know the truth. Once I discovered the reason for my rollercoaster life, a lot of this envy dissipated as I came to see it as just part of who I am and over time, even came to the realization that my fluid perception of reality and the uncertainty of what each day would bring enriched rather than detracted from my life. I went through a brief period of envying people who could walk, run, hike, ski, etc., shortly after I was initially disabled, but I don't know if this was really envy so much as a deep longing to return to the person I was before the injury.

Romantic jealousy...In the early '70s I was in a disastrous "open" marriage (it was kind of a craze in that era and something my husband at the time seemed to need). I was jealous at times, but rarely; it depended on the object of his affections (ex: I had a really hard time when he was convinced he was in love with my best friend). More recently the man I'm in love with was trying to "crack" the back of our dearest friend. Now, she's a Lesbian and I know that while he admires and respects her, there's nothing romantic between them; and I couldn't be more sure of his feelings for me. Nevertheless, the sight of his hands on her (fully-clothed) body sent my heart through the roof. I'm not sure it was jealousy because it didn't really feel like that, but whatever feeling it was was extremely powerful and I can't get a handle on it. Rare for me, since I'm prone to analyzing my feelings to death and usually have a pretty good understanding of them.

 

[Bella]

Maybe it was the feeling of wanting to take him out with a heavy-bottomed pan....

 

[cherchair]

Maybe it was the feeling of wanting to take him out with a heavy-bottomed pan....

LOL, but nah, I *know* what that feels like.

 

[Mole]

Precisely.

And for this reason, experiencing a little jealousy myself or from another person does not bother me. In fact, I think it's kinda sweet.

Yes, exactly.

And jealousy is sweet 'cause it is spontaneous. And is also reveals our deeper feelings.

And it is well worth taking note of because it also reveals character.

And excessive jealousy is like a warning sign, like the red splash on a Redback spider. When you see the warning sign, take your hand away.

Excessive jealousy can spin out of control - so it is good to know how your mate is jealous. Are they sweetly jealous? Is their jealousy poisonous? Or is their jealousy dangerous?

In the answer lies their character.

So I guess you are sweetly jealous, Hmm, and so have a good character.

 

[Mole]

Um, no, by no means is jealousy proof of love.

There are those who feel jealousy regarding their lovers for whom they do not love.

The striking thing for me is the spontaneity of jealousy - it arises without thinking.

And so it reveals our deeper self which we often keep hidden behind a veil of thoughts.

Jealousy also reveals character. Jealousy can show an evil side of someone that has been kept hidden.

Or jealousy can show restraint and nobility, not shown until now.

Jealousy is sudden and painful so we don't have time to plan and prepare for it - we must deal with it with the personal resources we have available - and this is our character.

Some of us have good characters and some bad characters, and many are middling. But often we don't know until we have been tested by jealousy.

 

[Giggly]

Yes, exactly.

And jealousy is sweet 'cause it is spontaneous. And is also reveals our deeper feelings.

And it is well worth taking note of because it also reveals character.

And excessive jealousy is like a warning sign, like the red splash on a Redback spider. When you see the warning sign, take your hand away.

Excessive jealousy can spin out of control - so it is good to know how your mate is jealous. Are they sweetly jealous? Is their jealousy poisonous? Or is their jealousy dangerous?

In the answer lies their character.

So I guess you are sweetly jealous, Hmm, and so have a good character.

The striking thing for me is the spontaneity of jealousy - it arises without thinking.

And so it reveals our deeper self which we often keep hidden behind a veil of thoughts.

Jealousy also reveals character. Jealousy can show an evil side of someone that has been kept hidden.

Or jealousy can show restraint and nobility, not shown until now.

Jealousy is sudden and painful so we don't have time to plan and prepare for it - we must deal with it with the personal resources we have available - and this is our character.

Some of us have good characters and some bad characters, and many are middling. But often we don't know until we have been tested by jealousy.

Ahh, yes. We are in agreement here.

 

[entropie]

In this context their essence is the same, one is simply the intensification of the other, though where in the dictionary do you find such definitions?

hehe . Just looked the two words up, well they do actually mean something different.

 

[Mole]

Ahh, yes. We are in agreement here.

How nice to be agreeable.

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

I've felt serious envy last time I was 8-12 years old or something like that. I think it must have been a social occasion; some kids are playing, then some adult comes along and picks up some random kid to praise and I'm left unnoticed.

It required very specific setting for me to get envious. I had to have done something I required to be acknowledged (rare). I had to believe that someone would get credit and most of all, greater participation in the group instead of me, so I could get envious of them.

Closest thing to envy at my adult age have been when someone convincingly argues for their great career situation and the obscenely successful lot in the life, something that's happened without much hard work for them. I don't care much about money, but more about a good situation to participate in intelligent, meaningful activities - in other words, a good job. I've always had trouble getting a good job, I guess that's the only possible source of envy for me. Still, somehow the feeling of envy stops really short. I think I recognize the possibility for that, but it it never becomes real for more than a second, if even that.

Jealousy? I've had that in my adult life. Last time 9 years ago, when some jerk picked up someone I wanted to date. She wasn't into me one bit, thought I was for a while mistaken to believe otherwise. That guy didn't have any good qualities I could accept, so the situation felt like completely insane.. I was mad with anger for a while. I held a grunge for some 4 years. There would be more to tell of it, but I'll keep it at that. I believe it was the longest, persisting negative feeling I've had in my life. The feeling hasn't recurred since. I just haven't felt the need to "own" anyone ever since.

I'm glad to be such a envy- and jealousy-free individual.

 

[wildcat]

I've felt serious envy last time I was 8-12 years old or something like that. I think it must have been a social occasion; some kids are playing, then some adult comes along and picks up some random kid to praise and I'm left unnoticed.

It required very specific setting for me to get envious. I had to have done something I required to be acknowledged (rare). I had to believe that someone would get credit and most of all, greater participation in the group instead of me, so I could get envious of them.

Closest thing to envy at my adult age have been when someone convincingly argues for their great career situation and the obscenely successful lot in the life, something that's happened without much hard work for them. I don't care much about money, but more about a good situation to participate in intelligent, meaningful activities - in other words, a good job. I've always had trouble getting a good job, I guess that's the only possible source of envy for me. Still, somehow the feeling of envy stops really short. I think I recognize the possibility for that, but it it never becomes real for more than a second, if even that.

Jealousy? I've had that in my adult life. Last time 9 years ago, when some jerk picked up someone I wanted to date. She wasn't into me one bit, thought I was for a while mistaken to believe otherwise. That guy didn't have any good qualities I could accept, so the situation felt like completely insane.. I was mad with anger for a while. I held a grunge for some 4 years. There would be more to tell of it, but I'll keep it at that. I believe it was the longest, persisting negative feeling I've had in my life. The feeling hasn't recurred since. I just haven't felt the need to "own" anyone ever since.

I'm glad to be such a envy- and jealousy-free individual.

The Finns.
The apes in the forest.

 

[Night]

`
For as long as I can remember I have always been intrigued by both of these human qualities.

That being stated, I would love for you guys to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences with jealousy and envy.

So, please state your type, and your sex and the scenarios in which you find/found yourself feeling either jealous or envious.

And please be as honest as possible in your responses.

Thanks much!!!

Some live for others.
I live for me.

You may call it selfish.
I call it free.

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

The Finns.
The apes in the forest.

Bears? Wolves? Swans? Yes, no?

 

[Amargith]

I do have these feelings, but a split second afterwards I'm already over them as I do not begrudge anyone else their luck and accomplishments. And in the event that I do feel them longer, I just check where they're coming from as I know it's not the other person's fault, it's one of my own insecurities.

Exceptions are boyfriend-stealing bitches. But I rarely have to worry about that as my INTJ boyfriend is more likely to pay more attention to his computer over me than to another girl *LOL* (and I do have my own methods for removing boyfriend stealing computers as wel *evil grin*)

 

[wildcat]

Bears? Wolves? Swans? Yes, no?

No.

 

[pockets]

Jealousy/envy was probably one of the earliest strong emotions I had as a child.

My parents used manipulative preferential treatment of a sibling (and none too subtly either. I remember my Dad saying things like 'Now I don't love you. I'll love (insert name of random kid friend)', and I would be mutely outraged because I didn't know how to put anything in words) as punishment.

Plus I always had difficulty tattling on my brother (I would sometimes take the fall for him because I could imagine hating being in his shoes), while he hardly resisted a chance.

Now I still get jealous as a reflex when I feel overlooked or ignored, but I normally get over it by exerting some Te, and feeling some Fi inner happiness.

More insidiously, I have a very intense feeling of guilt whenever I've been joking around with a male friend or something, and move away, and then realise this INTJ I have a thing with was near. I don't know if it's because I'm hyper-vigilant about inciting jealousy, or that I sub-consciously try to induce jealousy, and then feel guilty about my motives. I don't know if joking around with someone else normally causes jealousy but I don't seem to have that relaxed mutual entertaining thing going on with the INTJ (with us it's more like mutual snarky comments), so yeah.

 

[kiddykat]

well in all honestly i don't think i've felt it and it surprises me when i see it in others...i don't get it. i feel no personal entitlement to things other people have.

My thoughts exactly.. I try to find beauty in most things. That's what makes life worth living, when I enjoy what I have & make the best of it.

Random story- when I was a kid, I always wanted a power-wheel? I couldn't afford one so I'd place 2 chairs next to each other, side-by-side, put a big box in front of it, used my imagination and went "vroom vroom." BEST experience I ever had!

 

[Synarch]

I get jealous. And I have been envious.

I am envious when someone has something I want. Usually this has only happened when I have felt close to a woman who was with someone else. I never do anything about it.

In relationships, I can get jealous. I don't want another man to be close to my woman. Maybe because I know what it's like to envy another man, but it's also because I know things can happen even when you don't want them to or plan for them to. Feelings can develop. Boundaries can be crossed. Ultimately, you have to be able to trust who you're with, but that doesn't mean you leave the front door wide open.

 

[kyuuei]

Jealousy.. I've never understood entirely. I felt envy as a kid, and sometimes I feel it now--but more towards myself. Like.. I beat myself up for not having the things people my age do right now, etc. I don't tend to begrudge people for having anything. I tend to be happy for them.

It always drives me crazy though, how I'm truly genuinely just friends with some of my buddies, and then I hear about their wives being genuinely hateful and pissed off at me for A. having a vagina and B. Sending them a text message saying hey how ya doin?.

Any man I have been with or will be with is definitely allowed to have female friends.. I have no problem trusting anyone I date until they break that trust.. and even then, if I were cheated on, it'd be a deal breaker, but I wouldn't HATE them. I'd think that the ending of our relationship is calling it even enough.