Gays & Relationships With Women

[Eldanen]

Hey guys. Something I've been thinking a lot about recently, and it's made me nibble my fingernails a bit.

I remember all through middle school sitting with girls at lunch, a lot of the time because the guys wouldn't accept me. I'm mostly (98%) sure that I'm gay, but it's been really intriguing for me to consider the hows and the whys of the dynamics of relationships between gay guys and women. It's confusing, somewhat. Because on one hand, I look at other males and the ones I do like I see as an instant heartthrob, and while this exact action doesn't happen with the opposite sex, when I look at women I still have a strong emotional connection with some of them and I feel like I could share something with them. Do gay guys have relationships with women that border on how two women would interact emotionally?

Conflicted, perplexed, trying to sort things out,
Eldanen

 

[iwakar]

Do gay guys have relationships with women that border on how two women would interact emotionally?

Conflicted, perplexed, trying to sort things out,
Eldanen

In my experience, absolutely --better even.

 

[Eldanen]

In my experience, absolutely --better even.

How so? Could you help me out with a bit more detail, perhaps anecdotal?

 

[proteanmix]

I have two very good gay male friends.

With one, I feel like he's one of my "girlfriends." I would say we interact the way two women interact although I'm aware that he's not a woman. He's very emotionally intelligent and can explain the way he feels very well and I appreciate that.

With my other gay male friend it's not that way. He's very into his manhood and is critical of flamboyant and feminine men. He's all about having straight male friends and sports. He's also hasn't come out yet so I think that has a lot to do with it.

Could you explain a little more why this causes you anxiety? Do you think you can't have that same kind of insta-connection with a guy you're interested in?

 

[Eldanen]

I have two very good gay male friends.

With one, I feel like he's one of my "girlfriends." I would say we interact the way two women interact although I'm aware that he's not a woman. He's very emotionally intelligent and can explain the way he feels very well and I appreciate that.

With my other gay male friend it's not that way. He's very into his manhood and is critical of flamboyant and feminine men. He's all about having straight male friends and sports. He's also hasn't come out yet so I think that has a lot to do with it.

Could you explain a little more why this causes you anxiety? Do you think you can't have that same kind of insta-connection with a guy you're interested in?

The crux of the issue is that my emotions seem to be almost sexual toward women in that with the ones I feel like I could have a good relationship, they can be really intense. I'm not sure if this is because I'm an emotionally intense person in general or what.

 

[Totenkindly]

The crux of the issue is that my emotions seem to be almost sexual toward women in that with the ones I feel like I could have a good relationship, they can be really intense. I'm not sure if this is because I'm an emotionally intense person in general or what.

when you say sexual, is it about becoming intimate emotionally, or is there a purely sexual physical component to it?

It is very weird, I've never quite understood it. I can get gushy on my gfs and it's almost like this deep passionate attraction, I just "love them" to death... but sex is nowhere really on my mind, it's like the deepest intimate attachment (even crush intensity, maybe) without the sex. Much different than the carnality I can feel for the other gender, but it's also harder to connect on that intimate level with guys unless they're of the sensitive sort (and even then it's usually not the same depth).

I've definitely seen gay guys who are like the first one PM describes.

 

[proteanmix]

The crux of the issue is that my emotions seem to be almost sexual toward women in that with the ones i feel like i could have a good relationship, they can be really intense. I'm not sure if this is because I'm an emotionally intense person in general or what.

Both of my gay guy friends have mentioned at least one or two women that have turned their head. I don't think it's unusual for you to still have romantic/sexual feelings towards women even though you identify as gay. Sexuality is complicated like that.

 

[Eldanen]

when you say sexual, is it about becoming intimate emotionally, or is there a purely sexual physical component to it?

It is very weird, I've never quite understood it. I can get gushy on my gfs and it's almost like this deep passionate attraction, I just "love them" to death... but sex is nowhere really on my mind, it's like the deepest intimate attachment (even crush intensity, maybe) without the sex. Much different than the carnality I can feel for the other gender, but it's also harder to connect on that intimate level with guys unless they're of the sensitive sort (and even then it's usually not the same depth).

I've definitely seen gay guys who are like the first one PM describes.

It's an emotional intensity. When I see a hot guy, it's instant sexual attraction that results in physical responses. Also, I get the feeling that my guts have almost dropped out of my body. Heart throb, stomach jump, that kinda thing. I'm not sure why I'm thinking about this kind of thing now. 100% of my sexual fantasies have always been male, yadda yadda yadda.

 

[Lady_X]

well...sounds to me like you're an open minded guy who prefers guys...
some might call that bi...but i'm not sure i do
some people like me...are either attracted to someone mentally or physically...and sometimes but not usually... both
so...maybe...you find that you are capable of being mentally attracted to girls...but not instantly like guys

it's up to you to figure out if you need both or can one follow the other

does that make any sense?

 

[Edgar]

A dog is a man's best friend and a gay man is a woman's best friend.

 

[Eldanen]

well...sounds to me like you're an open minded guy who prefers guys...
some might call that bi...but i'm not sure i do
some people like me...are either attracted to someone mentally or physically...and sometimes but not usually... both
so...maybe...you find that you are capable of being mentally attracted to girls...but not instantly like guys

it's up to you to figure out if you need both or can one follow the other

does that make any sense?

Yeah, I understand what you're saying . Although, I don't think I really feel comfortable with that mode of identity. For some reason though I'm forcing myself to consider the possibility of it. Bleh. Maybe I'm just confusing a connection emotionally I could have with some women because we click as people in general. And confusing it because of some insecurity relating to my identity (I seem to have a lot of those.) Because it doesn't seem to be connected with sex a lot of the time in the same way, but with personality a lot of the time too.

 

[Lady_X]

which...gay or bi?
do you feel like you want to be straight?

if you have that reaction to guys...you're gay...no question...
i barely have that reaction ever...so count yourself lucky

and nothin wrong with being open minded...i think it's cool...but don't be just because you think you have to be...for whatever reason.

 

[Eldanen]

which...gay or bi?
do you feel like you want to be straight?

if you have that reaction to guys...you're gay...no question...
i barely have that reaction ever...so count yourself lucky

and nothin wrong with being open minded...i think it's cool...but don't be just because you think you have to be...for whatever reason.

Yeah, my mind has a tendency to force itself into positions that might not be the most comfortable to see if it can find some latent or hidden thing of significance. Needless to say, this aspect has lead to some extremely painful experiences in my mindscape. The heartthrob in question, where I feel I just want to melt in the arms of the other person, has never happened with girls. Only guys, and with guys it's very intense and certain. So this might be a thing more along the lines of what I talked about in the first couple sentences of this post. Just a mind that feels like it has to consider everything seriously. Might this be an ENTP thing that just seems to have manifested in me? >_>

 

[proteanmix]

Alright here's my little pet theory of why gay men and women click up.

I think that in the process of a man discovering he's gay it tends to open him up towards his feelings more. It's hard for men (moreso than women) to admit to themselves they're attracted to other men and for most guys it's an incredible journey inward. That kind of discovery process makes him more agreeable to delving into his emotions than your average straight guy. Once that whole world of emotion is opened up to you, I think it adds another dimension to how you view yourself and others. It's like being able to distinguish between the various shades of a color. I mean you can say it's red or you can be more specific and say it's scarlet or it's candy apple red or it's ruby. I don't think you can help but discuss that kind of nuance once you've been made aware that it exists.

Generally, women are already aware of those different shades of red and he's a guy who now sees those different shades. I think some gay guys feel more comfortable discussing those nuances now that the now about them with other people who see them. Same thing with "sensitive" straight men.

 

[Eldanen]

A dog is a man's best friend and a gay man is a woman's best friend.

Yeah, now that you mention it, it is stereotypical that a woman has a gay man as a best friend. I wonder why .

 

[Lady_X]

but...did i miss something? do you care why girls are friends with gay guys or why you sometimes think you might be able to have a straight relationship with one even though you're gay?
i have a lot of gay friends of both sexes...and many of them have hit on me at some point...haha....but...it's just attraction to people who you connect with

don't fight it dude...you'll be miserable...and break someones heart in the process.

 

[01011010]

I think there are very few truly straight or gay individuals. I agree that your preference may be extremely high to same sex or opposite, but I wonder if biological reasons don't have some sort of hold regardless. I know gay guys that have had sex with women on occasion and lesbians that have had sex with men.

It doesn't change your identification or your preference. I think human connection is just that, and there's nothing abnormal about wanting to get close to someone you have an emotional connection to. It won't change what your attracted to most of the time.

 

[Apollanaut]

I am a gay man in a long-term relationship with an ENTP, so maybe I can help shed some light on your situation.

Remember that ENTPs have Extraverted Feeling (Fe) as their tertiary function. This function is somewhat childlike in most people, and tends to flip between being over- or under-inflated, with no middle ground. For this reason, ENTPs tend to broadcast their moods and feeling-states to the outside world, both positive and negative, and their moods are quite vulnerable to influences from the external world and other people.

The positive ENTP-type projection can be very energising for other people, and I have noticed that a lot of feeling-type women find this attractive or compelling in a guy - my partner constantly "collects" NF-type women, who often become great friends (usually ENFPs or INFPs), but there is never any intention (on his part) of a sexual relationship.

I also have many female close friends, and the emotions and love I feel for them can be extraordinarily powerful, but are distinctly different from the way I feel about men I am attracted to. I suppose I am lucky in that sense to be a Feeling type, as we find it easier to notice and judge the fine distinctions between our different emotional states.

Hope this helps!

 

[Giggly]

The gender that you have the physical desire to have sex with (whether an emotional connection exists or not) is what determines your sexuality.

 

[ENTJ Extraordinaire]

when you say sexual, is it about becoming intimate emotionally, or is there a purely sexual physical component to it?

It is very weird, I've never quite understood it. I can get gushy on my gfs and it's almost like this deep passionate attraction, I just "love them" to death... but sex is nowhere really on my mind, it's like the deepest intimate attachment (even crush intensity, maybe) without the sex.

*sigh* this applies for any relationship. beyond anything its nice to have a level of "we could do this...but we won't...because we have enough control"

i know it sounds like a very ENTJ thing to say, but hey...isn't it true? isn't it a nice thought that there could be the ALLURE of sex...the possibility, and then to have the option to do it or not.

fact of the matter is, no matter who you are, or what sort of relationship you are in, both parties can please each other, and its not even a choice of whether you want to or not, but of actually doing it!

[dreadfully sorry if this makes no sense...i am so out of it and tired...i have no idea whats going on in my mind!]