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  1. #1
    Arcesso pulli gingerios! Eldanen's Avatar
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    Default Gays & Relationships With Women

    Hey guys. Something I've been thinking a lot about recently, and it's made me nibble my fingernails a bit.

    I remember all through middle school sitting with girls at lunch, a lot of the time because the guys wouldn't accept me. I'm mostly (98%) sure that I'm gay, but it's been really intriguing for me to consider the hows and the whys of the dynamics of relationships between gay guys and women. It's confusing, somewhat. Because on one hand, I look at other males and the ones I do like I see as an instant heartthrob, and while this exact action doesn't happen with the opposite sex, when I look at women I still have a strong emotional connection with some of them and I feel like I could share something with them. Do gay guys have relationships with women that border on how two women would interact emotionally?

    Conflicted, perplexed, trying to sort things out,
    Eldanen

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eldanen View Post
    Do gay guys have relationships with women that border on how two women would interact emotionally?

    Conflicted, perplexed, trying to sort things out,
    Eldanen
    In my experience, absolutely --better even.
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

  3. #3
    Arcesso pulli gingerios! Eldanen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    In my experience, absolutely --better even.
    How so? Could you help me out with a bit more detail, perhaps anecdotal?

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    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    I have two very good gay male friends.

    With one, I feel like he's one of my "girlfriends." I would say we interact the way two women interact although I'm aware that he's not a woman. He's very emotionally intelligent and can explain the way he feels very well and I appreciate that.

    With my other gay male friend it's not that way. He's very into his manhood and is critical of flamboyant and feminine men. He's all about having straight male friends and sports. He's also hasn't come out yet so I think that has a lot to do with it.

    Could you explain a little more why this causes you anxiety? Do you think you can't have that same kind of insta-connection with a guy you're interested in?
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
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  5. #5
    Arcesso pulli gingerios! Eldanen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    I have two very good gay male friends.

    With one, I feel like he's one of my "girlfriends." I would say we interact the way two women interact although I'm aware that he's not a woman. He's very emotionally intelligent and can explain the way he feels very well and I appreciate that.

    With my other gay male friend it's not that way. He's very into his manhood and is critical of flamboyant and feminine men. He's all about having straight male friends and sports. He's also hasn't come out yet so I think that has a lot to do with it.

    Could you explain a little more why this causes you anxiety? Do you think you can't have that same kind of insta-connection with a guy you're interested in?
    The crux of the issue is that my emotions seem to be almost sexual toward women in that with the ones I feel like I could have a good relationship, they can be really intense. I'm not sure if this is because I'm an emotionally intense person in general or what.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eldanen View Post
    The crux of the issue is that my emotions seem to be almost sexual toward women in that with the ones I feel like I could have a good relationship, they can be really intense. I'm not sure if this is because I'm an emotionally intense person in general or what.
    when you say sexual, is it about becoming intimate emotionally, or is there a purely sexual physical component to it?

    It is very weird, I've never quite understood it. I can get gushy on my gfs and it's almost like this deep passionate attraction, I just "love them" to death... but sex is nowhere really on my mind, it's like the deepest intimate attachment (even crush intensity, maybe) without the sex. Much different than the carnality I can feel for the other gender, but it's also harder to connect on that intimate level with guys unless they're of the sensitive sort (and even then it's usually not the same depth).

    I've definitely seen gay guys who are like the first one PM describes.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  7. #7
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eldanen View Post
    The crux of the issue is that my emotions seem to be almost sexual toward women in that with the ones i feel like i could have a good relationship, they can be really intense. I'm not sure if this is because I'm an emotionally intense person in general or what.
    Both of my gay guy friends have mentioned at least one or two women that have turned their head. I don't think it's unusual for you to still have romantic/sexual feelings towards women even though you identify as gay. Sexuality is complicated like that.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  8. #8
    Arcesso pulli gingerios! Eldanen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    when you say sexual, is it about becoming intimate emotionally, or is there a purely sexual physical component to it?

    It is very weird, I've never quite understood it. I can get gushy on my gfs and it's almost like this deep passionate attraction, I just "love them" to death... but sex is nowhere really on my mind, it's like the deepest intimate attachment (even crush intensity, maybe) without the sex. Much different than the carnality I can feel for the other gender, but it's also harder to connect on that intimate level with guys unless they're of the sensitive sort (and even then it's usually not the same depth).

    I've definitely seen gay guys who are like the first one PM describes.
    It's an emotional intensity. When I see a hot guy, it's instant sexual attraction that results in physical responses. Also, I get the feeling that my guts have almost dropped out of my body. Heart throb, stomach jump, that kinda thing. I'm not sure why I'm thinking about this kind of thing now. 100% of my sexual fantasies have always been male, yadda yadda yadda.

  9. #9
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    well...sounds to me like you're an open minded guy who prefers guys...
    some might call that bi...but i'm not sure i do
    some people like me...are either attracted to someone mentally or physically...and sometimes but not usually... both
    so...maybe...you find that you are capable of being mentally attracted to girls...but not instantly like guys

    it's up to you to figure out if you need both or can one follow the other

    does that make any sense?

  10. #10
    Nerd King Usurper Edgar's Avatar
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    A dog is a man's best friend and a gay man is a woman's best friend.

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