[Type 3] Help! frustrated 4 in love with 3

[Kit]

Pretty sure he's a three. Probably so or sx. We've been together for over a year. The first six months were fantastic. The second six months he started shutting me out. Anymore he acts like I'm just another thing he has to deal with. I've tried to tell him I just want him to open up a little and be himself when we're together but I think he takes it as criticism/rejection. I've been unhappy and I'm NOT good at hiding it.
I am a classic INFP/4 with a heavy 5 wing. Am just so frustrated and confused.
Any good 3 advice??

 

[geedoenfj]

You don't tell him to open up to you, you better be a good listener and understanding of him, and of course be patient.. and don't pressure him to do anything unless he feels like it, that's what I have so far ^_^
Good luck!

 

[Udog]

The first six months were fantastic. The second six months he started shutting me out. Anymore he acts like I'm just another thing he has to deal with.

Can you recall anything happening 6 months ago around the time his behavior changed?

 

[kyuuei]

^ Puppy hit the nail on the head... I mean, another option is, maybe he feels stuck in the relationship.. if he knows you love him so much to put up with being unhappy for 6+ months, he may feel guilt over just simply falling out of love and not wanting to hurt you. But if events have changed the mentality, those are important to address.

 

[Tilt]

Truthfully, you're just probably more invested than he is. 3's can put on a good show about how they feel... and they often mean it. However, if there is too much pressure/expectation from the other party, then they tend to fade out/tune out. The change in expectations can conflict with the 3's end goals (career advancement, taking away from time and resources), which leads to the disengagement. This is my experience of 3s, esp. the EXFJ variety.

 

[Qlip]

It's entirely possible that he is being himself, but when it was early in your relationship he wasn't. Sometimes people stop trying when they got what they want.

 

[Bush]

I mean, another option is, maybe he feels stuck in the relationship.. if he knows you love him so much to put up with being unhappy for 6+ months, he may feel guilt over just simply falling out of love and not wanting to hurt you.

Yeah, I've done this. Twice.

 

[Forever]

When I first saw the avi I thought it was a clay elephant lol.

Advice: be ambitious too?

 

[small.wonder]

First, I have no idea how a 4 could ever love a 3 (um authenticity vs. deciet? ), but then my malfunction might be that my Dad is a 3. Haha.

But really, ignore the above.

I agree with [MENTION=10714]Qlip[/MENTION] to some extent after observing the like several times with friends involved with 3's-- the beginning of any relationship is a mask, performance, trying to win approval. Once the approval is won from you, then the trying stops (because often they don't know who they really are). This it true with average or less healthy 3's anyway.

That issue aside. A very common (and simple) secondary issue for 3s in relationship is workaholism, which keeps them disconnected from their loved ones.

 

[Galena]

I've been the 4 in this relationship before, with a less healthy 3w4. The chemistry was irresistible enough to hold off the effects of a fatal values mismatch. But I'm not the healthiest either. As in, we both held pretty unforgiving, opposite views of how the world works and what the worth of a human being is (although workaholism may have been the one thing we shared!). It was painful on both sides to own up to that in the end.

Type 3 can be so good with people and at putting forth tremendous interpersonal warmth and charm that it can be hard to acknowledge the side of them that, to be brief and typological, makes it practically impossible for an Fi-Dom to be one. In fact, to me enneatype 3 evokes inferior Fi a lot IMO - not all 3 are ExxJs of course, but I've seen those who aren't mistype as one more than once. Maybe you guys are more different deep down than it seemed at first.

I can imagine it working as a match, but with a lot of fundamental disagreements to deal and make peace with.

 

[Bush]

3 and 4 isn't too far fetched a combination. At least, they're not outright damned.

The types are right next to each other. And also in the same triad. And also they're both concerned with identity. And 3w4s and 4w3s exist.

So

 

[highlander]

Welcome to the forum :hi:

 

[Kierva]

I've been in love with a 4 once, and I found that I started getting disengaged when the 4 was becoming too clingy and leechy for my liking. It also doesn't help that the 4 in question was unambitious and entirely self-absorbed, with no course of action underneath all that whining.

Of course not all 4s are like that; I'm sure you're not, but it seems to me that the 3 and 4 need to be on the same page for everything because how they go about doing things is completely different. What you see as commitment, he might see as clinginess. What you see as expressing yourself, he might see as whining.

For myself, I don't mind that people complain to me about things -- we all need to let off steam about stuff, but make sure you do something about it. Otherwise it's emotional and energy leeching, and I especially hate that the 4 expects ME to do something about it.