[Type 4] Fours in Love

[011235813]

Molina on 4s in love ... on request by [MENTION=8031]Ginkgo[/MENTION]

Very romantic and passionate ... 4ES characters generally seem to be charming and seductive. They are always involved in love affairs, often complicated.

Projecting beyond their lack of intrinsic identity, they believe their real selves will appear when they are truly loved; so they live thirsting for a passionate and fulfilling romantic relationship, convinced that when it finally appears their inner turmoil will subside and they will become simple and satisfied persons who, complete and content, will not yearn for anything else. Devoting much time and energy to preparation for that future transcendental encounter, they reserve their fantasy only for it. They feel that the present is not real, just a rehearsal for that future moment in which the authentic self will be awakened by love...

Very passionate in an alternately languorous and intense way, their exquisite sensitivity knows how to understand and take care of all the aesthetic aspects of a romantic relationship ... Very attentive to the other’s feelings, they resonate with her or him to the point of knowing when the other is disposed to reason or to make love or when the opportunity is best to argue or to solve problems ... They enjoy romances at a distance best, and they prefer relationships that include frequent separations because it is just as important to them to communicate telepathically with their beloved at a distance as physically in her or his presence, and because separations and reunions help to increase intensity.

If they have no amorous relationship at present, they imagine with tremendous emotion finding one in the future; but in an existing relationship, they need temporary separations that offer opportunities to recall the best moments lived together and to imagine and savor in anticipation their next reunion. When this finally arrives, they are not totally present; after a while they begin to feel uncomfortable, to criticize their lover, to notice his or her failings; they are afraid that real intimacy might spoil the fantasy of a wonderful, precious, authentic, and redeeming romantic relationship. They fear both finding themselves trapped in a vulgar relationship that may become definitive, and getting close enough ... that the beloved might discover their own hidden flaws and reject them; so they try to distance themselves.

They thus perfect the refined art of building and maintaining a halfhearted intimacy, neither too near neither too far, near enough to wish for more, far enough to see only the best in the other. They manage thus to sustain their own interest, hoping meanwhile that without having to commit themselves fully, the relationship will someday become the great dreamed of romance...

These personalities become tragic romantics who ... constantly sigh for the lost love ... and for an image of happiness that only a love that never arrives could bestow.

For the same reason, they attach and cling endlessly to frustrating or humiliating ... relationships ... show themselves helpless, unable to take care of themselves, perhaps in an unconscious maneuver to obtain affection through pity ... If they suspect that they are going to be abandoned, they contract a sudden illness or enact a theatrical scene ... attempting to make the other feel guilty ... When this recourse ... fails , a refined and long lasting vengefulness is likely to arise.

 

[Ginkgo]

 

[Noll]

That feels like something some 40-year-old, 50 Shades of Grey-reading, 'I'm such a Sexual 4w5', stereotyping, 'passionate' woman would write. I felt the description was pretentious and didn't really say much, but that's what I feel most times when people try explaining the various types approach to romance, I hate the word 'passion' more than most other things. I am now heavily puke induced.

 

[Amargith]

Very romantic and passionate ... 4ES characters generally seem to be charming and seductive. They are always involved in love affairs, often complicated.

Projecting beyond their lack of intrinsic identity, they believe their real selves will appear when they are truly loved; so they live thirsting for a passionate and fulfilling romantic relationship, convinced that when it finally appears their inner turmoil will subside and they will become simple and satisfied persons who, complete and content, will not yearn for anything else. Devoting much time and energy to preparation for that future transcendental encounter, they reserve their fantasy only for it. They feel that the present is not real, just a rehearsal for that future moment in which the authentic self will be awakened by love...

Very passionate in an alternately languorous and intense way, their exquisite sensitivity knows how to understand and take care of all the aesthetic aspects of a romantic relationship ... Very attentive to the other’s feelings, they resonate with her or him to the point of knowing when the other is disposed to reason or to make love or when the opportunity is best to argue or to solve problems ... They enjoy romances at a distance best, and they prefer relationships that include frequent separations because it is just as important to them to communicate telepathically with their beloved at a distance as physically in her or his presence, and because separations and reunions help to increase intensity.

If they have no amorous relationship at present, they imagine with tremendous emotion finding one in the future; but in an existing relationship, they need temporary separations that offer opportunities to recall the best moments lived together and to imagine and savor in anticipation their next reunion. When this finally arrives, they are not totally present; after a while they begin to feel uncomfortable, to criticize their lover, to notice his or her failings; they are afraid that real intimacy might spoil the fantasy of a wonderful, precious, authentic, and redeeming romantic relationship. They fear both finding themselves trapped in a vulgar relationship that may become definitive, and getting close enough ... that the beloved might discover their own hidden flaws and reject them; so they try to distance themselves.

They thus perfect the refined art of building and maintaining a halfhearted intimacy, neither too near neither too far, near enough to wish for more, far enough to see only the best in the other. They manage thus to sustain their own interest, hoping meanwhile that without having to commit themselves fully, the relationship will someday become the great dreamed of romance...

These personalities become tragic romantics who ... constantly sigh for the lost love ... and for an image of happiness that only a love that never arrives could bestow.

For the same reason, they attach and cling endlessly to frustrating or humiliating ... relationships ... show themselves helpless, unable to take care of themselves, perhaps in an unconscious maneuver to obtain affection through pity ... If they suspect that they are going to be abandoned, they contract a sudden illness or enact a theatrical scene ... attempting to make the other feel guilty ... When this recourse ... fails , a refined and long lasting vengefulness is likely to arise.

to the bolded. The rest I can see happen if the 4 does not snap out of it and the relationship doesn't teach them that they are in fact blessed so they snap out of the fantasy world. Real life can become such a rut and is often 'imperfect' / doesn't live up to those perfect standards all the time - but that in and of itself can be a beautiful dynamic, one which previously the 4 hadn't considered even in their perfect little vision. Given maturity, realisation as to how blessed they are to have someone love them so much and vice versa and the willingness to integrate fantasy and reality, the last part does not have to come into being. As for the very last part - while I certainly have contemplated clinging and did so in my very first relationship, I learned that there is no authenticity, no perfection and no adhering to the ideal I have when I lie to myself and make them stay when they don't want to. I don't stay where I'm not wanted anymore for that very reason coz I know that reality *DOES* offer at least that part. No point in denying myself that by lying to myself and coercing someone else.

 

[gromit]

Oy sounds like my poor INFP friend for awhile...

 

[011235813]

That feels like something some 40-year-old, 50 Shades of Grey-reading, 'I'm such a Sexual 4w5', stereotyping, 'passionate' woman would write. I felt the description was pretentious and didn't really say much, but that's what I feel most times when people try explaining the various types approach to romance, I hate the word 'passion' more than most other things. I am now heavily puke induced.

A strong reaction for someone who apparently hates 'passion.'

 

[Nara]

That feels like something some 40-year-old, 50 Shades of Grey-reading, 'I'm such a Sexual 4w5', stereotyping, 'passionate' woman would write. I felt the description was pretentious and didn't really say much, but that's what I feel most times when people try explaining the various types approach to romance, I hate the word 'passion' more than most other things. I am now heavily puke induced.

Haha... For the first time I think you're not exaggerating here.

 

[Nara]

Real life can become such a rut and is often 'imperfect' / doesn't live up to those perfect standards all the time - but that in and of itself can be a beautiful dynamic, one which previously the 4 hadn't considered even in their perfect little vision.

The biggest problem I see is that, in a 4's mind, other people are actually living this perfection (or something close to) because this envy "demon" whispers to you the grass is always greener in others' garden so the problem is you (and your inability to fit in).

 

[Ginkgo]

Honestly I identified more with the "6 in love" description than this one, but I definitely get the dynamic of maintaining distance to cultivate an idealization of your partner.

 

[Amargith]

The biggest problem I see is that, in a 4's mind, other people are actually living this perfection (or something close to) because this envy "demon" whispers to you the grass is always greener in others' garden so the problem is you (and your inability to fit in).

I can see that, yeah..though personally, I never was envious of real life people - too many broken relationships or relationships I would never want around me. The relationships in movies and other fiction though...

For me though, hitting upon the 'gold' with my own relationship made me realise that movies and fiction do not tell the full story - that the rut in-between has to be filled in. So the pattern fit - I found the core, the highlights of my vision, as such, but there was a lot more nuance to it and therefore a lot more hard work and complications than I was promised by those fantasies. For me, that didn't matter as much as it was worth it if it meant finding what I was looking for.

 

[Nara]

I can see that, yeah..though personally, I never was envious of real life people - too many broken relationships or relationships I would never want around me. The relationships in movies and other fiction though...

For me though, hitting upon the 'gold' with my own relationship made me realise that movies and fiction do not tell the full story - that the rut in-between has to be filled in. So the pattern fit - I found the core, the highlights of my vision, as such, but there was a lot more nuance to it and therefore a lot more hard work and complications than I was promised by those fantasies. For me, that didn't matter as much as it was worth it if it meant finding what I was looking for.

Lol I think everybody is somewhat disappointed by the difference between movies/fantasies about relationships and real life . But for instance when I've encountered the complications you mentionned, my first instinct was to believe "something wrong in me has caused this, meanwhile it seems easier or more "perfect" for other people because perhaps they're better than me". I think this is the key difference to understand a 4's reasoning...
Plus, I believe it's also the source of the "drama queen" reactions/behaviors because all these little imperfections a 4 has to bear in his relations, to him/her it's like questioning oneself as a whole.

 

[Amargith]

Lol I think everybody is somewhat disappointed by the difference between movies/fantasies about relationships and real life . But for instance when I've encountered the complications you mentionned, my first instinct was to believe "something wrong in me has caused this, meanwhile it seems easier or more "perfect" for other people because perhaps they're better than me". I think this is the key difference to understand a 4's reasoning...
Plus, I believe it's also the source of the "drama queen" reactions/behaviors because all this little imperfections a 4 has to bear in his relations, to him/her it's like questioning oneself as a whole.

Well, that is something i never experienced wrt relationships but it basically is the story of my life regarding my career,tbh.

 

[chickpea]

That feels like something some 40-year-old, 50 Shades of Grey-reading, 'I'm such a Sexual 4w5', stereotyping, 'passionate' woman would write. I felt the description was pretentious and didn't really say much, but that's what I feel most times when people try explaining the various types approach to romance, I hate the word 'passion' more than most other things. I am now heavily puke induced.

i hope you find love someday

 

[Animal]

Well some people might think it's over the top or too intense.. but some aspects of that hit too close to home and make me want to puke. Namely, enjoying romance from a distance, knowing every intricate reaction of my lover, forever pining for lost love.. so much more. But I'm already nauseous and not particularly inclined to pour my heart out only to be told I'm "exaggerating" (the very reason I hold back telling people how I feel about them) so i will stop there

 

[Lady_X]

ughh... i should not have read that.

 

[Amargith]

It is funny - that whole disance thing was something that was unavoidable in earlier years for me due to logistics and many people couldnt understand how we made that works - ouselves included.

And ill admit that i needed a day or so, both phsically and emotionally to 'get used to him' again when he did come and visit but overall it was good for us. Too long at times but still. Later on it changed to not seeing each other a week every month and that was perfect as it took me 3 days of freedom to start missing him and get excited again - the rut had been dispelled.

These days we live together and thankfully i dont confuse 'rut' with not loving him or feeling unloved but it does make me restless. We had to make significant alterations after the first year - knowing your partner is that accessible at all times ironically pushes them to the next day each time on the priority list, causing more emotional distance than ever before longterm. It was weird to have them be that accessible and yet not 'there'.

I could see how this could kill a younger relationship, tbh.

 

[Nara]

Well some people might think it's over the top or too intense..

No not over the top, I re-read this, and it's just a poor and oversimplified description despite the truth in it...

In fact, usually I avoid to talk about how I live it (except to my very closed friends) because of what you said (they might think I'm exaggerating, or very immature, or theatrical or making a mountain out of a molehill and so on), how I'm afraid to build the relationship mostly in my head and that's why the distance is necessary because I like to raise our story to the level of a muse but then I have a hard time to deal with the day-to-day aspects.
How you can act like a child and victimize yourself when it's too frustrating and you want the other taking care of you exactly the way you need to.
How you can ridiculously believe in some sort of "telepathy" because the merge (?) is so strong.
Extreme longing for lost love, even with short stories and I'd say, MOSTLY with short and unfinished stories because the promise of perfect love is far more powerful than a love which had sufficient time to dry up on the everyday life shore.
Etc.

 

[brainheart]

Ugh maybe it's my five wing talking but I can't read this florid nonsense. I'm with [MENTION=20005]Noll[/MENTION] on this one.

Also, I'm sick of unhealthy four descriptions.

 

[21%]

I used to have exquisite definitions of how it feels like to be in love. I seem to have gotten over that, somehow.

Maybe it's because I'm approaching the 6th year of my relationship and it has settled into something that's more about breakfasts and movies and laundry and random thoughts, white lights and curtains and briefcases and birdsongs. The ground-shattering waterfall at the edge of the earth is no longer the focus.

But, he's away right now, so who knows...

What I want from my relationship is to be able to be loved for who I am. I'm one of a kind. I'm not perfect, but I'm irreplaceable. I need my partner to be appreciate that.

If you look at it in a more mature way, everyone is unique. I get that. But I have to be the kind of unique that gives you this certain type of flavor that you can't describe and can't really comprehend, and that makes you shake your head and secretly smile to yourself.

 

[Daenera]

I hate the word 'passion' more than most other things. I am now heavily puke induced.

So would you say hate the word passion with passion?