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Thread: Sixes in Love

  1. #1
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    Default Sixes in Love

    I was reading Molina's book on the enneagram, Our Ways: Values and Character ... it's a little dense and technical for me on the whole, but his section on the enneagram types in love is very insightful, astoundingly so in the case of 6s. Being in a relationship with a 6, I was pretty much blown away by how accurate the description ... so I thought I'd share excerpts with TypoC as well.

    I was going to bold the bits that fit particularly well but realized that I'd be bolding the whole thing if I did.

    Anyway, here goes:

    For insecure 6SS personalities in relationships, sexuality always becomes entangled with questions of power and truth. When sexually attracted, they feel threatened, because trusting another reminds them too much of their childhood wounds; and it makes them angry to know that they can be hurt again, that another person may hurt them terribly, and that their happiness depends on someone other than themselves. Difficult to seduce, they view all compliments with suspicion...

    Since they are compelled to review their own affections, decisions and actions continuously, and are generally very conscious of shortcomings in the character of a prospective lover, unconditional commitment becomes very difficult ... They take a long time to surrender their trust; it happens gradually, a bit at a time, as they confirm again and again that no reasons for suspicion exist...

    They need their lovers’ commitments to be explicit and firm; but when this happens, they begin to suspect that the other did not commit ... with full awareness of what commitment implies. They proceed to construct complicated hypotheses about what their lover really feels towards them, and give full credit to their own conclusions ... Thinking in the abstract, they invalidate all that their lover says; and they conjecture that their beloved is not in touch with her or his real feelings...

    When they consummate, 6SS personalities never seek to dominate, much less profit from their lover: to the contrary, they feel their lover’s achievements as being personally theirs and may put his or her well-being before their own. Needing to give in order to feel confident in a romantic relationship, they are generally ready to make sacrifices to help their lover’s projects, and to serve him or her sexually. Willing to work hard and build a pleasant future together, yet always fearing the worst, they are constantly vigilant against possible threats to a romantic relationship.

    Always ready to accept the failures of their lovers when they admit them, 6SS personalities have no trouble praising their merits and behave toward them the same in public as in private. Always afraid of being betrayed, upon their beloved they project their feelings ... This fear translates into an impulse to dissociate from pleasure, to surrender to the dread of being abandoned, to sever the romantic relationship themselves before it just happens, or to split—head, heart, and genitals—into a different relationship.

    They can accept happiness and sexual pleasure only when they feel that they and their beloved form a tight coalition against the external world, and in such cases their loyalty is extreme. Their marriages tend to last many years because in difficult periods they believe that the problem lies with the relationship itself and not with the other and feel a duty to resolve it; they can tolerate highly neurotic behavior in the significant other without demanding a change.
    I love my 6.

    @ReflecTcelfeR
    Last edited by Vasilisa; 06-04-2014 at 02:54 AM. Reason: per request

  2. #2
    Senior Member Noon's Avatar
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    Nice. Added to my wish list!

    Thanks for posting

  3. #3
    Senior Member Eluded_One's Avatar
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    You dated a 6? My condolences

    I find about half of this true. While power struggles and the invisible forces of truth are common themes for most relationships, I'm not sure if this type of dynamic is reserved uniquely for 6's.

    More often than not, I find myself rather insecure about many a things. However, fear of betrayal isn't on the list of irrational fears.

    Thanks for post.
    “If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.” -anonymous

  4. #4
    Senior Member Noon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eluded_One View Post
    You dated a 6? My condolences
    I somehow almost always end up admiring or crushing on 4s but at this point I'm disappointed about having such scant experience with other 6s. Sometimes I think I could even be constructing a potentially false narrative about 4s being "the only possible ones" because "only they" can understand me and "that's just how it is". I want to know more about how it is with 6s. Head types in general, maybe.

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    Senior Member Eluded_One's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noon View Post
    I somehow almost always end up admiring or crushing on 4s but at this point I'm disappointed about having such scant experience with other 6s. Sometimes I think I could even be constructing a potentially false narrative about 4s being "the only possible ones" because "only they" can understand me and "that's just how it is". I want to know more about how it is with 6s. Head types in general, maybe.
    I imagine the motive for a pair of 6's to hookup would be for purposes of stability and familiarity. If both 6's are as described as the above description in romance, I'm fairly certain their would be more than the passion missing.

    Then again, I don't relate too well to this description, being that I also score high as a 4 enneagram - plus being INFP and all.
    “If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.” -anonymous

  6. #6
    Senior Member Noon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eluded_One View Post
    I imagine the motive for a pair of 6's to hookup would be for purposes of stability and familiarity.
    Ha! Probably.

    I like the description though and think it's a good analysis of stage one - the stage leading up to where the trust and fixed attachment are finally established.

    I'm imagining the highlights of 6 with 6 primarily as the scenario of two individuals functioning as a totally transparent, [conceptually] single unit.

    when they feel that they and their beloved form a tight coalition against the external world, and in such cases their loyalty is extreme
    Like... this is embarrassingly true. And since I'm more concerned with intellectual and emotional security, the 'coalition' would be more existential than suburban. We'd be a dramatic version of BFFs, I guess. I don't think I can see any reactive type having flat relationships, especially with each other.

    But most of the 6s who I encounter irl are probably types who think I'm boring or weird, so thus far I can't think of a close relationship I've had with a 6 at all, unfortunately.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Forever_Jung's Avatar
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    Edit: Great excerpt, thanks for posting!

    As a 6, I spend a lot of time thinking about "what's wrong with this relationship", not in a mean way, but just in a way that allows me to nip problems in the bud.

    I often feel guilty that I approach relationships in such a pragmatic/pre-emptive manner. It's like I have a bunch of relationship meters/gauges that I constantly monitor, and I try to take care of the issues before they even begin (ooh, we're running low on verbal expressions of love/appreciation, I better make a concerted effort to express my love). And while this approach is probably better than taking your lover completely for granted, being so ruthlessly practical about your loved one's happiness, does create a detached feeling sometimes. Part of intimacy/love is being able to act naturally and be comfortable, and I struggle with just "relaxing" around my SO. To me, "relaxing" in relationships feels like taking my hands off the wheel, and hoping the car will steer itself. MADNESS!

    I have a very hard time accepting love and being loved, for this reason. I can never stop steering things. I don't mean I try to control my partner and tell them what to do, I just mean, I like when I'm doing the loving/helping, I feel in control of the situation and therefore less likely to be abandoned. I have a hard time accepting compliments (I tend to dismiss the actual compliment and instead think "that was nice of them to try and make me feel good about myself, even if it wasn't true.). I can't even enjoy simple gestures like shoulder massages, unless I'm doing the massaging. It's odd, and I don't fully understand why I'm like this.

    That being said, I am great at handling the negative. I am willing to work on problems, and fight through stressful external situations. In fact, that stuff almost makes me feel closer to my SO. I'm not good at the cutesy happy stuff though, that's when I start seeing shadows where there are none, and I start pushing them away.

    Quote Originally Posted by Noon View Post
    Like... this is embarrassingly true.
    I know! I simultaneously blushed and smirked while reading it. Not just in relationships, but even with good friends, this rings true for me.

  8. #8
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    A six in girl is the impersonification of a love.

    I need my woman strong and with edges.
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  9. #9
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Ha ...and this sounds like the last guy I dated before I moved out here (whom I think you met actually maybe senza)

    I probably could have been a little nicer about those issues but didn't really realize until I had already broken up that this sort of slow trust building was what was going on. Just pretty frustrating from my side of things...
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

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    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    Ha ...and this sounds like the last guy I dated before I moved out here (whom I think you met actually maybe senza)

    I probably could have been a little nicer about those issues but didn't really realize until I had already broken up that this sort of slow trust building was what was going on. Just pretty frustrating from my side of things...
    Sounds complicated, how was the sex ?
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

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