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[Other/Multiple Enneatypes] Differences between 3 and 8

valaki

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[MENTION=20622]valaki[/MENTION] To correct that comparison so it contains both negative words but still maintain the essence of what [MENTION=5632]VagrantFarce[/MENTION] was going for (which I agree with), I'd say this:

3's are deceptive/polished, 8's are blunt/vulgar.

That's a good way to put it, thanks


To the O.P. I've made a study of 8 and the types that commonly mistype as such (3, cp 6, 7w8).

Mind talking about the 8 vs 7w8 as well?


- Image: 3's are very aware of this and can change it to suit their needs, environment, success rate. They desire their image to match that of their culture's desires. 3's I have known are very conscious about their physical presentation and it's fitting with cultural ideals (slightly less for a wing 4 than wing 2). 8 on the other hand is much more individual, and presents the self however they see fit, regardless of the opinions of others. They like what they like, and public opinion matters not. 3's need praise from others, 8's could care less (and in my experience, don't even notice).

In my case what I notice is excessive praise and no I don't need it, I sometimes even explicitly tell the person that there is no need to keep flattering me

If it's just one single comment that's praising me, it can be nice, but I still end up feeling that I really didn't need to hear it because I don't care about other people's expectations. Being self-conscious in this sense does me no good, not my natural state.


- Heart vs. Gut: 3 is a heart type and thus desires the love of others-- they feel that in order to be loved, they must be successful/be a winner. Conversely, 8 is a gut or instinctive type, they act on impulse and live in almost "survival" mode.

How conscious is this for a 3, this thought/desire that they need to be loved for their successes?


[MENTION=20622]valaki[/MENTION] In regards to your question about their attitudes toward success and failure, I believe 3 and 8 attitudes are similar but their motivations are very different. 3 dislikes/fears failure and strives for success to attain love from others (they believe they must be successful to be loved), this is (as aforementioned) why they are in the heart type group. 8 on the other hand desires success and fears failure because they literally believe the entire universe is on their shoulders. It's a control/power thing that stems from mistrust of others (or the competence/ability of others to do what needs done). 8's desire success so they can attain the power to remain always independent and self sustaining.

Thanks, that's again a nice explanation, I still have the same question as above about 3's being conscious about this.
 

VagrantFarce

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[MENTION=20622]valaki[/MENTION] To correct that comparison so it contains both negative words but still maintain the essence of what [MENTION=5632]VagrantFarce[/MENTION] was going for (which I agree with), I'd say this:

3's are deceptive/polished, 8's are blunt/vulgar.

Yeah, that's what I meant. :) I didn't mean honest in any sort of boy scout way, but the brutally honest "straight to your face" way.
 

VagrantFarce

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Btw I'm sure you didn't mean 8's wear every emotion of theirs on their sleeves. Anger, sure...

8s can easily say how they feel loudly and proudly, and will gladly speak from their heart if they can't control themselves - just in a very confrontational, aggressive, instinctual, volatile way. It's like watching a volcano erupt.
 

valaki

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8s can easily say how they feel loudly and proudly, and will gladly speak from their heart if they can't control themselves - just in a very confrontational, aggressive, instinctual, volatile way. It's like watching a volcano erupt.

Yeah, okay. You've just described me.

So 3's never do this? How the hell do they control themselves so well? :p

ps: too bad you edited your post, I think the one quoted is better detailed :D
 
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So 3's never do this? How the hell do they control themselves so well? :p
I barely know what "speaking from the heart" is--at least, not unfiltered. When there's actual emotion, it's typically shoved through some filter. Dunno. The filter is just there. It's not necessarily people-pleasing, but it is probably some sort of repression or some such; the notion that emotion just gets in the way.

Related, I also barely know what "can't control [myself]" is. Or "instinctual, volatile way."
 

valaki

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I barely know what "speaking from the heart" is--at least, not unfiltered. When there's actual emotion, it's typically shoved through some filter. Dunno. The filter is just there. It's not necessarily people-pleasing, but it is probably some sort of repression or some such; the notion that emotion just gets in the way.

Related, I also barely know what "can't control [myself]" is. Or "instinctual, volatile way."

Lol we are so different, funny! :p

So are you trying to say you're out of touch with your instincts and impulses?

What are your filters like?

What do you do when you actually do get angry, I'm sure it sometimes happens? Do you filter that through something too? How?
 

small.wonder

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Mind talking about the 8 vs 7w8 as well?

Sure, though this is a much closer distinction because a 7w8 will have traits of 8. It's the same as discerning between any two cousin types (2w3 vs. 3w2, 9w1 vs. 1w9, etc). The main difference between 7w8 and 8w7 in my experience is literally order of preference. This may seem obvious (as 7w8 naturally leads with 7 and follows with 8; 8w7 visa versa) but I believe this is pretty clear in the way the person conducts themself. For example, my Dad is 8w7 and leads with 8: he initially tends to be concise but direct, controlling, extremely confident, independent and willful. Once you actually start talking to him though, he follows with 7: cracking jokes, making fun of things, talking about all of his adventures, etc. A 7w8 on the other hand leads with 7 energy, social warmth, lack of focus/bouncy-ness, etc. The 8 dominance, matter-of-fact attitude, and reactive nature is a secondary trait. A great example is a 7w8 that I know who volunteers in the kids ministry at my church, his wife has described him like this: “he’s so fun and good with children, but he’s also capable of growling when he needs to”. 7w8 and 8w7 are both extremely formidable characters, the difference is that you can sense that right away in 8w7, and in 7w8 usually only if the individual is pushed or the going gets tough.

That said, I think the 7w8/8w7 cousin pair is one of the easier ones to differentiate between because 8w7's are pretty blatantly obvious characters (and few and far between)-- I was raised by one though, so perhaps that's why it's easy for me. :shrug: If you truly want to investigate 7w8 thoroughly as a possible type for yourself, [MENTION=6109]Halla74[/MENTION] is the epitome of such and an excellent source on the type. :)

If I might ask, would you say you are generally a reactive person?

In my case what I notice is excessive praise and no I don't need it, I sometimes even explicitly tell the person that there is no need to keep flattering me.

If it's just one single comment that's praising me, it can be nice, but I still end up feeling that I really didn't need to hear it because I don't care about other people's expectations. Being self-conscious in this sense does me no good, not my natural state.
How conscious is this for a 3, this thought/desire that they need to be loved for their successes?

Thanks, that's again a nice explanation, I still have the same question as above about 3's being conscious about this.

I think your note that self-consciousness “does you no good”, is interesting and is reminiscent of an 8ish matter-of-fact-ness.

Your question about 3 awareness is a very good one because 3’s are one of the two most self deceptive types in the Enneagram. In other words, they are very unaware of their motives and true desires. 3’s are described to have sacrificed their “heart’s desire” early in life for a life of achievement and chasing after cultural ideals. I’ve read that they after awhile even fail to remember their true “heart’s desire” at all. I believe in health they can recover and return to it, but it takes a good deal of self work.

The motivation of 3’s pursuit of success could as easily be described using other words like “esteem”, “praise” or “acclaim” in the place of “love”. They think success, money, material gain, knowing so-and-so, and having won such-and-such awards will earn them approval and worth. One interesting tid-bit about 3 is that they (unlike all other Enneagram types) look drastically different based on culture. This is because 3’s main desire is to be what their culture finds desirable-- which is why 3’s of the western world are after fame, money, prestige, etc.
 

valaki

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Sure, though this is a much closer distinction because a 7w8 will have traits of 8. It's the same as discerning between any two cousin types (2w3 vs. 3w2, 9w1 vs. 1w9, etc). The main difference between 7w8 and 8w7 in my experience is literally order of preference. This may seem obvious (as 7w8 naturally leads with 7 and follows with 8; 8w7 visa versa) but I believe this is pretty clear in the way the person conducts themself. For example, my Dad is 8w7 and leads with 8: he initially tends to be concise but direct, controlling, extremely confident, independent and willful. Once you actually start talking to him though, he follows with 7: cracking jokes, making fun of things, talking about all of his adventures, etc. A 7w8 on the other hand leads with 7 energy, social warmth, lack of focus/bouncy-ness, etc. The 8 dominance, matter-of-fact attitude, and reactive nature is a secondary trait. A great example is a 7w8 that I know who volunteers in the kids ministry at my church, his wife has described him like this: “he’s so fun and good with children, but he’s also capable of growling when he needs to”. 7w8 and 8w7 are both extremely formidable characters, the difference is that you can sense that right away in 8w7, and in 7w8 usually only if the individual is pushed or the going gets tough.

Ah, interesting. Well I can't decide in my case based on the bolded because I don't know how others see me. As for typing others, I actually don't see many people as "formidable" so that's not that simple either. :)

As far as I can see myself, I can say that if I'm in the mood and nothing gets in the way, I'll be feeling pretty sociable, well in my own sort of rough way which isn't liked by everyone but I do really feel sociable and I do seem to have some social warmth and I can interact with people in several directions (though I don't like to overdo that, I like to have some focus in general). Though I'm not too witty, in terms of not cracking that many jokes. Rude ones, maybe :p Anyway, I'm sure I look really fun and all that and I probably look really er, non-dangerous but then there's a trigger and I'll suddenly be very confrontational, argumentative, whatnot.

Now all that's true with regard to being in the right mood. If not, then I'm just not really even sociable at all. I will look really reserved and pretty much "on my own". Some people who only see that side of me for a while do first get the wrong idea of me as well, thinking I'm always reserved and in the background. Actually, in that state, to me people are just a "background" part of the scene, not much more lol. Not very feminine, I know.


That said, I think the 7w8/8w7 cousin pair is one of the easier ones to differentiate between because 8w7's are pretty blatantly obvious characters (and few and far between)-- I was raised by one though, so perhaps that's why it's easy for me. :shrug: If you truly want to investigate 7w8 thoroughly as a possible type for yourself, [MENTION=6109]Halla74[/MENTION] is the epitome of such and an excellent source on the type. :)

Ah, thanks for the tip about Halla74. :)


If I might ask, would you say you are generally a reactive person?

Yes, see the above.


I think your note that self-consciousness “does you no good”, is interesting and is reminiscent of an 8ish matter-of-fact-ness.

Yeah I prefer to stick with realism


Your question about 3 awareness is a very good one because 3’s are one of the two most self deceptive types in the Enneagram. In other words, they are very unaware of their motives and true desires. 3’s are described to have sacrificed their “heart’s desire” early in life for a life of achievement and chasing after cultural ideals. I’ve read that they after awhile even fail to remember their true “heart’s desire” at all. I believe in health they can recover and return to it, but it takes a good deal of self work.

The motivation of 3’s pursuit of success could as easily be described using other words like “esteem”, “praise” or “acclaim” in the place of “love”. They think success, money, material gain, knowing so-and-so, and having won such-and-such awards will earn them approval and worth. One interesting tid-bit about 3 is that they (unlike all other Enneagram types) look drastically different based on culture. This is because 3’s main desire is to be what their culture finds desirable-- which is why 3’s of the western world are after fame, money, prestige, etc.

Which is the other self deceptive type?

Good summary otherwise, thanks
 

small.wonder

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Ah, interesting. Well I can't decide in my case based on the bolded because I don't know how others see me. As for typing others, I actually don't see many people as "formidable" so that's not that simple either. :)

As far as I can see myself, I can say that if I'm in the mood and nothing gets in the way, I'll be feeling pretty sociable, well in my own sort of rough way which isn't liked by everyone but I do really feel sociable and I do seem to have some social warmth and I can interact with people in several directions (though I don't like to overdo that, I like to have some focus in general). Though I'm not too witty, in terms of not cracking that many jokes. Rude ones, maybe :p Anyway, I'm sure I look really fun and all that and I probably look really er, non-dangerous but then there's a trigger and I'll suddenly be very confrontational, argumentative, whatnot.

Now all that's true with regard to being in the right mood. If not, then I'm just not really even sociable at all. I will look really reserved and pretty much "on my own". Some people who only see that side of me for a while do first get the wrong idea of me as well, thinking I'm always reserved and in the background. Actually, in that state, to me people are just a "background" part of the scene, not much more lol. Not very feminine, I know.

The bolded speaks core type 8 pretty stongly to me. 7 is indicative of extroversion, though you can be an introverted 7 it's not common. 8 on the other hand is considered pretty half and half, both extroverted individuals and introverted. Haha, the thing about rude jokes too-- that is so 8. And no worries about seeing the larger sea of people as background noise, I actually see it that way myself sometimes. :)

The one thing that still seems weird to me about your being an 8 though, is your communication style. You just feel so...soft. I know you will want an explanation as to what I mean by "feel", but it's just how your writing (word choice, style, tone) impresses upon me. It feels very laid back, or relaxed and that's not very 8-ish really. For example, [MENTION=7254]Wind Up Rex[/MENTION] is an 8 and her writing generally feels sharp and direct, even if it's funny or happy. [MENTION=6109]Halla74[/MENTION] as aforementioned just has an 8 wing, but even his communication style is kind of like, "woah!" because it's so direct and up-front-- it's largely colored by 7 in that it's enthusiastic and optimistic, but the 8 aspect is largely apparent. [MENTION=10984]Azure Flame[/MENTION] is a good example too of 8 writing style, his is quite literally like a loose cannon sometimes (but that is characteristic of 8). ;)

Just some food for thought. Your writing feels very different to me than the above individuals, and 8's I know IRL. :shrug: Have you considered 8w9?


Ah, thanks for the tip about Halla74. :)

Sure! He's awesome. :D

Which is the other self deceptive type?

2
 

valaki

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The bolded speaks core type 8 pretty stongly to me. 7 is indicative of extroversion, though you can be an introverted 7 it's not common. 8 on the other hand is considered pretty half and half, both extroverted individuals and introverted. Haha, the thing about rude jokes too-- that is so 8. And no worries about seeing the larger sea of people as background noise, I actually see it that way myself sometimes. :)

Oh yeah I'm so half-half.


The one thing that still seems weird to me about your being an 8 though, is your communication style. You just feel so...soft. I know you will want an explanation as to what I mean by "feel", but it's just how your writing (word choice, style, tone) impresses upon me. It feels very laid back, or relaxed and that's not very 8-ish really. For example, [MENTION=7254]Wind Up Rex[/MENTION] is an 8 and her writing generally feels sharp and direct, even if it's funny or happy. [MENTION=6109]Halla74[/MENTION] as aforementioned just has an 8 wing, but even his communication style is kind of like, "woah!" because it's so direct and up-front-- it's largely colored by 7 in that it's enthusiastic and optimistic, but the 8 aspect is largely apparent. [MENTION=10984]Azure Flame[/MENTION] is a good example too of 8 writing style, his is quite literally like a loose cannon sometimes (but that is characteristic of 8). ;)

Just some food for thought. Your writing feels very different to me than the above individuals, and 8's I know IRL. :shrug: Have you considered 8w9?

You really think you know my entire communication style from a few posts in one single thread?

As for 8w9, I don't relate to the descriptions I read, I'm not THAT introverted. If you got a good one, sure, I'll read it and see.
 
G

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So are you trying to say you're out of touch with your instincts and impulses?

What are your filters like?
Sometimes I'm out of touch. As either an analogy or example--at around 2:30 yesterday, I realized that I forgot to eat breakfast and lunch. 'Magically,' when I ate something, I was more energetic and focused. I didn't feel the impulse to eat. Whoops :irked:

But more often it's not that I'm out of touch with them, but that I act (or at least try to) upon them in a more controlled manner. I'm a step removed from instincts and impulses. The instincts and impulses suggest, really, what it is that I want to do, what I actually think, which course of action to take, and so on. To me, they're kinda useless and unwelcome in and of themselves.

I also don't mean an outward filter, necessarily. It's a matter of self-control because.. well, I regard control of the self as a good thing.

A visceral grudge toward someone, for example, is simply an indication that I should stay away from them; and I then act upon that indication rather than the grudge itself directly. As another, an outburst (that of mine or others) typically has a 'reason,' in that it simply wraps a message in a way that conveys visceral urgency. That urgency is either because the message is felt to be important, but it can also be seen as harsh or, even worse, outright childish and ridiculous. Bam, the filter is there--it's simply reasoning and control. If I want to convey urgency, or if I want to create distance between myself and another, I know how to do it.

At the extremes, the filters don't kick in all the way. It's not often either that I bottle things up over time and then release them all in a torrent, though; anger etc. is something that's triggered in the moment.

'course, all of this doesn't apply 100% of the time. To the extent that it's something that I can't do, I at least try to do it.
What do you do when you actually do get angry, I'm sure it sometimes happens? Do you filter that through something too? How?
I definitely do, typically out of a lack of patience; typically in turn lack of patience for things that are outside of my control.

The filter's the same as above--stemming a recognition that anger is simply an indicator of something. Anger itself is often said to be a secondary emotion; it in turn is a reaction to an emotion of fear or hurt.
 

small.wonder

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You really think you know my entire communication style from a few posts in one single thread?

As for 8w9, I don't relate to the descriptions I read, I'm not THAT introverted. If you got a good one, sure, I'll read it and see.

Nope, I actually checked out a couple other threads you recently posted in (this one specifically) to check myself before I wrote that. Even so, of course I don't know your "entire communication style", just the way it feels. The last thing I ever want to do is tell someone what type they are or are not. Still, I'm pretty free with my observations and find no need to sugar coat.

My 8w9 question was just that, not an assigning of the type to yourself. I can see from your response that despite the soft vibe I get from you, you are indeed reactive! :D Haha.

8w9 is not necessarily more introverted than 8w7 actually. Both wings could be an extrovert or an introvert, as aforementioned. The distinction is often made in terms of "lightweight" (8w7) who jabs quick and sharp with long endurance, and heavyweight (8w9) slower to anger, who preserves their energy for one powerful motion. Both are capable of serious destruction, they just approach it with different energy. Also in regards to anxiety/high energy: 8w7 can almost quiver with energy/anticipation, I've witnessed this in my Dad even in physically (it's like he's wired, that's the 7). 8w9 on the other hand has been said to be the least anxious type because of the tranquility that 9 brings to the picture.

This is the best description I could find so far on the internet via this thread:

The traits of the Eight and those of the Nine are in some degree of conflict with each other. The Eight tends toward assertiveness and taking on challenges and conflicts, whereas the Nine tends toward the suppression of aggression and the avoidance of conflicts and upset. Eights with a Nine-wing enjoy their comfort and peace, and tend to be much more domestic than Eights with a Seven-wing, but still make it clear to all in their sphere that they are in control. Depending on the Nine-wing's strength, individuals of this subtype are somewhat more oriented to people more easily and with less confrontational or aggressive undertones. They still get things done their way, but more likely with a soft, firm voice and more casual demeanor. They are also less self-assertive, exuding an aura of quiet strength and of power held in reserve. In general, this is a less openly aggressive overall personality pattern, although since Eight is the basic type, persons of this subtype can still be quite aggressive, especially when they need to be. They tend to maintain a “poker face” with others, somewhat stolid and impassive, although when aroused they can suddenly become passionate and angry. Like Nines, Eights with a Nine-wing are often unaware of their own strength or the force of their anger. Noteworthy examples of this subtype include Martin Luther King, Jr., Golda Meir, Janet Reno, Charles de Gaulle, Indira Gandhi, Pablo Picasso, Marlon Brando, Paul Newman, John Huston, Robert Altman, Barbara Stanwyck, John Wayne, Charlton Heston, Johnny Cash, Fidel Castro, Leonid Brezhnev, “Darth Vader,” “King Lear,” and “Don Vito Corleone.”

Healthy persons of this subtype possess a quiet power and an understated wisdom. They are strategic planners like the other subtype, but tend to be more steady and inexorable in the execution of their goals. They are not easily perturbed, and are noticeably more at ease with themselves and with other people, not feeling that they must assert themselves at every moment or in every situation. There is less of a wheeler-dealer quality than in the Eight with a Seven-wing, although Eights with a Nine-wing also prefer to run their own enterprises. They are, at times, more open to concerns beyond their immediate self-interest, particularly those involving members of their own family. They are the kinder, more benign patresfamilias or matriarchs, strong-willed but mild-mannered, who tend to assert leadership more through support and protectiveness. Eights with a Nine-wing are able to forge a personal, almost mystical bond between themselves and others. They may be involved with the arts, nature, animals, and children.

Average people of this subtype begin to show a definite split between the two sides of themselves – the aggressive side (which they show in public and in competitive situations) and the passive, more accommodating side (which they reveal to very few, principally their families). The discrepancies in their attitudes toward people can be striking – warm and affectionate at home, hard-nosed and aggressive at work. People of this subtype usually do not seek publicity actively, and like to live quietly, privately, and unobtrusively, preferring to control their affairs from behind the scenes. Their expansive forcefulness is grounded on some inner fortress of imperturbable strength which others are not allowed to breach. This inner sanctum is undisturbed and at peace, although it is doubtful that people of this subtype benefit from that inner part of themselves as much as they might. Others often experience this quality in them as a form of stubbornness and an ability to turn out anxieties. Since Eight is the basic personality type, people of this subtype dominate others, although with a velvet glove over an iron fist. There is a sly, watchful quality in average Eights with a Nine-wing – as if they are daring others to underestimate them. They tend to speak more slowly, but are attuned to the nonverbal cues and body language of the people around them. They can seem friendly and agreeable while secretly sizing people up and assessing their character. In the lower levels, Eights with a Nine-wing more from stubbornness to a quietly menacing quality. However, their moods and reactions tend to be unpredictable. They can be intimidating and belligerent, and then accommodating and kindhearted, especially to those who are close to them.. Those around them are never quite sure when their explosive tempers are going to erupt.

Unhealthy Eights with a Nine-wing become reclusive, depressed, and dissociated, but if they have access to power, they can also be extremely vengeful. Since this subtype is almost immune from anxiety, unhealthy Eights with a Nine-wing can be destructive without remorse, combining ruthlessness with indifference. They can get into a strangely dissociated frame of mind, acting in a depersonalized way, as if they were some sort of cosmic force which swatted people aside, crushing them without personal feelings entering the picture. People in this subtype tend, in general, to be less violent and destructive than those in the other subtype. However, if necessary they may be violent toward others, personally regretting the suffering they cause but not feeling any empathy or having any real understanding of what they do. They may make up for the lesser degree of violence they wreak on the environment by generally living longer, thus possibly doing more damage in the long run to those who have the misfortune to live with them.
 

badger055

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My avatar illustrates how i often feel when I'm around strangers. I feel like a husk. People attack me and my defense mechanism is to simply ignore it. This often makes them angrier. Yet at the same time, this also makes me extremely difficult to read. I delete the human inside, and people cannot judge or understand me and become reliant solely on what I tell them, which in most cases is nothing. I become very silent around strangers.

I was thinking about this today. I realized I sort of do this but not as extreme. I don't feel like a husk but when someone attacks me I kind of dissociate from the person they are attacking like it's not me. They are just looking at one image/version of me like a decoy and the real me is standing in the distance. Then I can mock them for thinking they know me. I think it's a 4w3/3w4 fix thing.
 
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