^^In what were originally Arcana's soulful, eloquent words that senza later poached and is subsequently plagiarizing above... Whether she was aware of it or not Arcana was describing me. That's me. And while I'd probably give an arm and part of my liver for some poor drunk to be indifferent to the game...I need to confess that I am decidedly not so (do you need both arms to 'shrug off the game'?...or is it possible to shrug and people will still understand what's being communicated one-armedly...I may need to switch out a limb.)
I maintain an ongoing awareness and have from a very young age...of how strongly I feel the game is wrong. Of how horrifying it is for me when I allow myself to consider it... instead of scrambling to find some meaningless distraction because I just can't take thinking of it again in those moments. No matter what I do I maintain a constant awareness that one of the countless rewards people receive for playing the game is being able to advance their positions through the exploitation of others...all while believing in their own righteousness (I'm still haunted by a conversation I had with a banker...2nd in charge or whatever you say directly under the CEO... and one of the first things he said to me was that he "got into banking because he really wanted to help people."
To which I did an eyeroll in my mind thinking it was a social line I was merely supposed to pretend was true. As he went on though... it suddenly struck me in what remains one of the most horrifying moments of my entire life... He wasn't knowingly exploiting people and just didn't care... Nor was he merely in a tiny bit of denial but under different circumstances would admit to the truth of it... Oh no, this banker had come to BELIEVE IT.
This banker had completely convinced himself he was a righteous individual. I was in awe thinking... "Oh wow...so you're really
enjoying life. He is a humanitarian enjoying the multi-millions he's earned through his charitable work. I can't even...)