Obsession with attractiveness

[Stansmith]

My whole identity and source of confidence is based on my looks and sense of style; if I didnt have that, I'd feel like a nobody. When I look or dress bad, I literally don't feel like myself; I am how I look. Is this a heart triad thing, or an instinctual variant thing?

 

[Glycerine]

Are you enneagram 3? lol

 

[zago]

Ha ha you're gonna get old and ugly. And probably fat. People are gonna think you're nasty. Lol.

But really, I doubt it's either of the things you mentioned. I think it's just that you know you're an unlovable piece of shit deep inside.

 

[Stansmith]

Ha ha you're gonna get old and ugly. And probably fat. People are gonna think you're nasty. Lol.

But really, I doubt it's either of the things you mentioned. I think it's just that you know you're an unlovable piece of shit deep inside.

Bingo.

 

[Stansmith]

Are you enneagram 3? lol

I don't have the persistent drive or academic excellence of a 3

 

[zago]

Bingo.

So what happened to you long ago that made you think you were bad inside?

 

[Stansmith]

So what happened to you long ago that made you think you were bad inside?

Basically it was comparing myself to other people. It started in middle school when I was overweight and noticed that the people I looked up to were skinny. Very feminine of me

 

[zago]

Basically it was comparing myself to other people. It started in middle school when I was overweight and noticed that the people I looked up to were skinny. Very feminine of me

Understandable. Did you hammer yourself to death with exercise or have an eating disorder or anything?

The bad news is that you won't find the connection you're looking for through your appearance. People will love you for just that... and then when it fades, as I implied before, you will have no choice but to face it. It will break your heart, if it's not broken already.

 

[zago]

Actually I take that back. You won't have to face it. You could just seek another means of finding connection, like becoming a religious fanatic or getting fibromyalgia and going for people's sympathy. Or maybe you could avoid it altogether and become an alcoholic. There's more. Just saying, you don't have to face it, ever I guess.

 

[zago]

BTW one last thing, it is definitely ok to take some pleasure in your appearance. Sometimes ya just look in the mirror and go, wow, sexy (sometimes not. And sometimes you want to fix it up a little). The point at which it becomes unhealthy is when you are slaving away over it for fear of being rejected if it isn't perfect.

 

[Evo]

My whole identity and source of confidence is based on my looks and sense of style; if I didnt have that, I'd feel like a nobody. When I look or dress bad, I literally don't feel like myself; I am how I look. Is this a heart triad thing, or an instinctual variant thing?

I don't know what it has to do with. I have been noticing something similar about myslef lately though. It's like I don't feel like I look good, then the whole day is shot. I am just in a bad mood because my confidence is down. Not sure if this is anything like what you're talking about. It's probably less extreme, but it sucks. So now I try to look for other things that give me confidence from the inside. It's not as easy as I'd like it to be though. I think it's just societal pressure though....so maybe it's instinctual varients? so...sx? dunno

 

[OrangeAppled]

I've used my appearance to communicate my identity to the point where it was too closely tied to it. I realized the shallowness of it after I got a positive rep for being stylish in an offbeat way (suddenly I felt the vanity of it, as if people thought I was attention-seeking), & I started hating myself all over again . But really, I still feel depressed or not "like me" to dress plainly. I feel like my tongue has been cut out.

And yes, I have an obsession with attractiveness, but not really in the most typical usage of "attractive", more of a literal sense of bringing people to me. Being sexy or appealing to men or meeting some status-fueld image is not my motivation (I can even really dislike things I see as geared towards those). There's a part of me that wants someone to spot me & find me terribly fascinating immediately and then a mutual love-obsession will sprout and we both live happily ever after. Notice I said fascinating - not hot or sexy or beautiful, although I'll take that too.

I think there IS a compensation in creating an aesthetically appealing outer appearance in the face of feeling very ugly on the inside.

 

[greenfairy]

I can relate. I as well as one other person so far have considered E3 in their tri-type, so it might be indicative of that, though I'm sure this is common to other types. Also what zago said.

I think rather than trying to analyze what this means, it might be more helpful to take it at face value- see if it makes you happy and satisfied with life. If so you're probably fine, if not, address the underlying issues and try to change the situation. You won't find external sources of fulfillment and happiness if you can't give it to yourself, unconditionally. Easier said than done, of course. I'm working on it myself, but with relationships.

 

[Stansmith]

I've used my appearance to communicate my identity to the point where it was too closely tied to it. I realized the shallowness of it after I got a positive rep for being stylish in an offbeat way (suddenly I felt the vanity of it, as if people thought I was attention-seeking), & I started hating myself all over again . But really, I still feel depressed or not "like me" to dress plainly. I feel like my tongue has been cut out.

And yes, I have an obsession with attractiveness, but not really in the most typical usage of "attractive", more of a literal sense of bringing people to me. Being sexy or appealing to men or meeting some status-fueld image is not my motivation (I can even really dislike things I see as geared towards those). There's a part of me that wants someone to spot me & find me terribly fascinating immediately and then a mutual love-obsession will sprout and we both live happily ever after. Notice I said fascinating - not hot or sexy or beautiful, although I'll take that too.

I think there IS a compensation in creating an aesthetically appealing outer appearance in the face of feeling very ugly on the inside.

Your post really stood out to me because I do want to seem fascinating. I want people to look at me like "wow, this guy, there's something about him", rather than being just an attractive guy. I want to be fascinatingly sexy.

I also don't follow mainstream trends. Most men want to wear cargo shorts, the latest sneakers, etc. Whereas I see blind trend-following as a sign of a lack of taste. I'd rather be a fascinating, naturally stylish man than just a plain trendy man.

 

[Stansmith]

Understandable. Did you hammer yourself to death with exercise or have an eating disorder or anything?

The bad news is that you won't find the connection you're looking for through your appearance. People will love you for just that... and then when it fades, as I implied before, you will have no choice but to face it. It will break your heart, if it's not broken already.

I'd say sort of a binge eating disorder. I regularly go from consistent dedicated dieting to over-indulgence, but I still hover around a healthy (yet un satisfying weight).

I subconsciously feel like I'll be a silver fox in old age, and just be really satisfied. I honestly never imagine myself as a 60-80 year old

 

[Halla74]

Your inner self and outer self are one.
That which you wish to project is irrelevant if not genuine.
Just as you cannot choose the object of your desires as an audience, your greatest admirer cannot choose when you are to manifest in their presence.
Which is why it is of greatest importance for all to project themselves truly, for failure to do so leads only to the fulfillment of emptiness.

 

[Elfboy]

I'm heart center last (3w4 fix) and I relate to this. I think it's also strongly related to the Sexual Instinct

 

[Azure Flame]

Your inner self and outer self are one.
That which you wish to project is irrelevant if not genuine.
Just as you cannot choose the object of your desires as an audience, your greatest admirer cannot choose when you are to manifest in their presence.
Which is why it is of greatest importance for all to project themselves truly, for failure to do so leads only to the fulfillment of emptiness.

nice, another poetic/pretentious sx/so!

*high five*

I agree. Project who you are and the people who matter will love you for that. I once dated an ISFP who complained that "good looks were the only thing she had" which was the most retarded thing I heard. But ultimately there was nothing I could do to change her mind.

 

[Halla74]

nice, another poetic/pretentious sx/so!

*high five*

LMAO!

Nice to meet you.

Glad to know I'm not the only poetic/pretentious sx/so at TypC.

I agree. Project who you are and the people who matter will love you for that.

Exactly.

I once dated an ISFP who complained that "good looks were the only thing she had" which was the most retarded thing I heard. But ultimately there was nothing I could do to change her mind.

Nope, you can't "fix" people.
Hopefully you two had fun while it lasted and parted ways gracefully.
Nothing wrong with that.



-Halla74

 

[Azure Flame]

*handshake kidney punch*