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  1. #1
    Member justwannabeMe's Avatar
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    Default Type 9 Anxiety/Fear

    I have a friend who is a 9w1. probably sx/sp. I think she is an ISFP. She seems to have on/off issues with anxiety. Also, problems with being able to make/keep eye contact; likely due to the angst perhaps.

    I'm sure the anxiety is not soley caused by any one thing. Her dad had a bad temper when she was a kid, she says she would try to appease/help him as a child to curb his anger. It probably has a basis is social/interpersonal learned beliefs, etc., insecurities and whatnot. Its likely related to a physical aspect, too, I suspect.

    She is a young mother, too. and she definitely has her hands full! no easy feat.

    She confided in me that she has this "irrational fear" of letting people down. If everyone in her environment is not happy/well it causes her great amounts of tension/stress/anxiety, and she feels responsible to fix it, or like it is her fault. If the baby can't be soothed, or the kids are complaining they're bored ... if there is conflict between people (even due to minor life infractions that she can't control, or change, but is still involved in) it causes her a lot of fear/stress on her.

    She seems well aware of herself, which is a plus. And she tries positive self-talk; reminding herself that 'its not her fault or responsiblity, and all will be okay', etc.

    Question is: Does anyone have any worthwhile advice? Please don't bother posting regurgitated, black&white information. I'm looking for real-life solutions that you have found of benefit in your own development/peace.

    --------------------------------------------------------
    • Type 9 ~

    "[type 9] Key Motivations: Want to create harmony in their environment, to avoid conflicts and tension, to preserve things as they are, to resist whatever would upset or disturb them..."

    "When moving in their Direction of Disintegration (stress), complacent Nines suddenly become anxious and worried at Six..."


    --------------------------------------------------------
    • I get emails from enneagraminstitute with type 9 reminders. these are a few ones I already have ~

    Learn the value of the word no. When you are presented with a proposition that you are uncomfortable with, it is better to make your misgivings known at the outset rather than silently acquiescing and regretting it later.
    (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 335)

    It is best to get things out in the open, at least by allowing yourself to become aware of your real feelings. (Understanding the Enneagram, 350)

    The Wake-Up Call for the Nine is going along with others when you really don't want to. Watch for this tendency today. (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 322)

    "As a Nine, you most need to learn from the healthy Levels of Six to learn to rely on yourself and to grow in adversity. This finally dissolves your typical disengagement and avoidance of any form of conflict."

    “Remember it’s not finding peace that produces change but self-knowledge and awareness. Don’t try to change your reactions today. It’s enough to see them more clearly.”


    ---------------------------------------------------------
    • ISFP stuffs ~

    your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them

    strong set of values, which they strive to consistently meet in their lives. They need to feel as if they're living their lives in accordance with what they feel is right ... will put a great deal of effort and energy into tasks which they believe in. (caretaking? service. motherhood.)

    ISFPs are extremely perceptive and aware of others. They constantly gather specific information about people, and seek to discover what it means. They are usually penetratingly accurate in their perceptions of others.

    ISFPs are warm and sympathetic. They genuinely care about people, and are strongly service-oriented in their desire to please.

    Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unneccesary harshness.

    The ISFP has many special gifts for the world...selflessly serving others. Life is not likely to be extremely easy for the ISFP, because they take life so seriously...
    “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

  2. #2
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I think age has been about the most helpful thing for me. The older I get the more selective I get about who I try to make happy and who I allow to be in my life. I keep my environment as calm as possible and don't tolerate people bringing unnecessary drama into my home.

    Raising little kids is stressful. Someone who isn't stressed out by it is either a very unusual person or lying. When my kids told me they were bored when they were younger, I'd start suggesting chores that needed doing and that shut them up pretty quickly. If you let kids run you, they will. They don't know any better, so it's your job as a parent to not let them do it.

    I think one of the things that probably helped me the most was internalizing the idea that I deserved to be treated with the same care and consideration I would give to anyone else and doing my best to behave accordingly. Sometimes that's hard to do when you have little ones, but to borrow some World of Warcraft jargon: Need before Greed. Everyone's needs get met before wants are addressed, including Mom's needs.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  3. #3
    Senior Member Entropic's Avatar
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    Hm, I see a few things as a possibility reading the OP:
    Your friend is disintegrated to tyep 6 and takes on the doubting and anxious traits of type 6.
    Your friend is really a phobic 6.
    Your friend is a type 2.

    I don't see anything that would indicate that your friend must be an ISFP though. She could be anything based on that description.

    I was waiting for the day you and I would meet.

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  4. #4
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    I think my 9w1 INFP boyfriend struggles a lot with anxiety, but I think it is a different kind of anxiety than what your friend seems to have.

    Does she try to fix the situation out of guilt (that it is her fault) or just to make the conflict go away (which means yielding to others' demands, etc.)?
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  5. #5
    Member justwannabeMe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    I think my 9w1 INFP boyfriend struggles a lot with anxiety, but I think it is a different kind of anxiety than what your friend seems to have.

    Does she try to fix the situation out of guilt (that it is her fault) or just to make the conflict go away (which means yielding to others' demands, etc.)?

    I think she feels like its her fault.
    but also dislikes the conflict.

    good question, though.

    she has said her fear is of letting others down, or not keeping them happy
    “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

  6. #6
    Member justwannabeMe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LeaT View Post
    Hm, I see a few things as a possibility reading the OP:
    Your friend is disintegrated to tyep 6 and takes on the doubting and anxious traits of type 6.
    Your friend is really a phobic 6.
    Your friend is a type 2.

    I don't see anything that would indicate that your friend must be an ISFP though. She could be anything based on that description.

    what I wrote is not indicative of her being ISFP. I just think she is ISFP, for other reasons. Its pretty obvious.

    She said she hates it when people "need" her. So, its unlikely she is a 2. Plus, she doesn't act like a 2 at all. She also doesn't act like a 6. I feel confident she is a 9. I think her tritype is 964, though. likely a strong line to 6
    “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

  7. #7
    Member justwannabeMe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I think age has been about the most helpful thing for me. The older I get the more selective I get about who I try to make happy and who I allow to be in my life. I keep my environment as calm as possible and don't tolerate people bringing unnecessary drama into my home.

    Raising little kids is stressful. Someone who isn't stressed out by it is either a very unusual person or lying. When my kids told me they were bored when they were younger, I'd start suggesting chores that needed doing and that shut them up pretty quickly. If you let kids run you, they will. They don't know any better, so it's your job as a parent to not let them do it.

    I think one of the things that probably helped me the most was internalizing the idea that I deserved to be treated with the same care and consideration I would give to anyone else and doing my best to behave accordingly. Sometimes that's hard to do when you have little ones, but to borrow some World of Warcraft jargon: Need before Greed. Everyone's needs get met before wants are addressed, including Mom's needs.

    I agree that being self-responsible, and considering one's needs (self-love, etc) is important ... ESPECIALLY for mothers who give and give and give.

    I think she is aware of things like that. Like, she has said, "Its not my job to entertain them (her 5 yr old twins)" ... and that sort of thing.
    I think she is in touch with the fact that she needs help, and breaks, etc. And she does say 'no'.
    Thats not necessarily the issue.

    She just has what she calls an irrational fear of letting them down, or not doing things for them, etc.
    She knows that this message of fear is not a rational truth or anything.

    I think its likely physically based. Linked to the anxiety - which is probably a mix of physiological and psychological things ... but ... my guess is its more physical than mental. Our body can really alter our minds perceptions. Also, I have been reading about the amygdala and nueroendocrine function and its link to our mind/mood/fear, etc.
    “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

  8. #8
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by justwannabeMe View Post
    She just has what she calls an irrational fear of letting them down, or not doing things for them, etc.
    She knows that this message of fear is not a rational truth or anything.
    I don't know if she's American or not, but most moms feel that way in the US. It probably isn't rational but it's as common as dirt. Just watching the ads on TV that encourage and exploit it is enough to make you want to She may have an extreme case and if so, she may want to talk to someone, but being freaked out all the time that you're screwing your kids up is pretty normal.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #9
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by justwannabeMe View Post
    I think she feels like its her fault.
    but also dislikes the conflict.

    good question, though.

    she has said her fear is of letting others down, or not keeping them happy
    If you are certain she's a 9w1, and if she is anything like my boyfriend, I think her main issue is with not setting proper boundaries. Then when people start to 'demand' things that she is not comfortable with, whether directly or not, she does not know how to say no and that stresses her out.

    Perhaps you could start with talking to her and trying to get her to recognize where her boundaries are and should be, then maybe make her see that saying "no" to people is not that big of a deal, that everybody does it, and that it does make her a selfish person. Also, point out that it is part of 'negotiation', which is natural in human interaction, and does not mean conflict.

    I'd also say try digging a bit deeper on how she really feels. Why is it her fault that people are not happy? I think to help her, it is important to understand why she feels that way. Is it because she is afraid people won't like her if they are not happy around her? Is it because she sets high standards for herself and when she fails she feels bad?
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  10. #10
    Senior Member Entropic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by justwannabeMe View Post
    what I wrote is not indicative of her being ISFP. I just think she is ISFP, for other reasons. Its pretty obvious.

    She said she hates it when people "need" her. So, its unlikely she is a 2. Plus, she doesn't act like a 2 at all. She also doesn't act like a 6. I feel confident she is a 9. I think her tritype is 964, though. likely a strong line to 6
    Well, you know her the best. I wasn't sure what the purpose of this thread was so I commented on what I could comment on.

    I was waiting for the day you and I would meet.

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