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  1. #1
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    Default What does an immature or "unredeemed" Sexual Eight look like?

    Thanks. I am asking because I want to know, was it okay for someone to dump me, because I didn't meet these supreme standards of beauty and success, because of his type or if he is just immature. Please don't sweet talk me, but don't be mean either. Also consider, it's not that he just wasn't into me. He fell hard, I even think he was suicidal on occasion from dumping me, but kept insisting that he deserved someone like me, in the sense of being a loving type of family women, but better and much more successful and prettier. He rubbed this other girl in my face and said on a blog he knew I was reading that she was "illuminating," while I was plain. But then he goes right back into despair, blaming, and saying life is so cruel to him and that he made a huge mistake and still hopes for a chance, even though he wont go for it. He is such a fucking, pathetic little boy.

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    i think the consensus is that everyone has the right to dump anyone at any time for whatever reason, regardless if the reason is justified.

    that's being said, the fact he is saying "it's not me, it's you, not good enough for me" suggests he is one hell of a douchebag, and he seems to be rating you and that other girl in terms of arm-decoration, since he is basically saying he likes you fine as a person, but you don't make for a good enough trophy. i can't imagine that kind of mentality comes with the best treatment. all in all, at least based on the information you have given so far, his personality seems far less apealing then average.

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    He sounds like a 1, not an 8 all the way to the unhealthy connection to 4. Sexual 1s can hold their partners to impossible standards because they are looking for the perfect partner and if unhealthy, obviously no one is going to fit.

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    Quote Originally Posted by LeaT View Post
    He sounds like a 1, not an 8 all the way to the unhealthy connection to 4. Sexual 1s can hold their partners to impossible standards because they are looking for the perfect partner and if unhealthy, obviously no one is going to fit.
    That is so funny, because I have thought the same thing, but I'm sure he is an Eight with a little bit of Four and Five. It seems like everyone who is or was significant in his life, he applies all of these extremely unrealistic selfish, one-sided expectations on them, all while not feeling like he needs to measure up to anyone else's needs, and of course he always has a way of justifying his though, usually blaming it on people who have absolutely nothing to do with where he is now or where he is going. For example, it seems like he over his x-wife and doesn't seem to have ever had strong feelings for her in the first place, which rather than saying they were a bad match, I bet he blames her for that, but years later he still bad mouths her for the failed marriage. Maybe he feels like a failure for getting a divorce, but rather than accepting that we all make mistakes, he has to have someone to blame. I guess that answers my questions, he can't accept me, because he can't accept himself, because he is sick in the head. I hate that guy with a passion. I know you probably think I'm hateful, and I guess I am, but if he got hit by a bus, I would feel so good.

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    Quote Originally Posted by LeaT View Post
    He sounds like a 1, not an 8 all the way to the unhealthy connection to 4. Sexual 1s can hold their partners to impossible standards because they are looking for the perfect partner and if unhealthy, obviously no one is going to fit.
    But I asked, because I read that Sexual Eights want to be surrounded by beauty. And actually, I think I am kind of pretty, but I'm not all of that tall, extraverted and blonde typical stuff. And personally, I have never liked those kind of girls and it pisses me off that he can't see it. Any girl can get out of bed and not give a shit and act like a man. I was in the Army for ten years, so I know it's not hard. Holding your ground and being a classy mother and lady are hard to find in this world.

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    Sexuals in general can have a preoccupation with beauty and idealistic romance, and if we see our SO as not fulfilling that role of aesthetic lover, then we may feel like the match is not a good one. I don't think that necessarily has anything to do with "conventional" beauty, though, nor his enneatype. I also am not sure that attempting to analyze him while you are still so angry will yield helpful results, as your natural reaction may be to vilify anything associated with him.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Newbyagain View Post
    Thanks. I am asking because I want to know, was it okay for someone to dump me, because I didn't meet these supreme standards of beauty and success, because of his type or if he is just immature. Please don't sweet talk me, but don't be mean either. Also consider, it's not that he just wasn't into me. He fell hard, I even think he was suicidal on occasion from dumping me, but kept insisting that he deserved someone like me, in the sense of being a loving type of family women, but better and much more successful and prettier. He rubbed this other girl in my face and said on a blog he knew I was reading that she was "illuminating," while I was plain. But then he goes right back into despair, blaming, and saying life is so cruel to him and that he made a huge mistake and still hopes for a chance, even though he wont go for it. He is such a fucking, pathetic little boy.
    I'm a SX 8 with a 4 and 5 fix.

    First of all, I will start by telling you I went through a time in my life when I was SUPER unhealthy. I put a little personal story about my unhealthy relationship style inside the spoiler if you wanna read it >.>



    You'd have to put a gun to my head to get me on my knees begging someone not to break up with me, or to take me back. I won't willingly set myself up for rejection - in fact when I'm unhealthy (or admittedly, even still) I'd go out of my way to avoid making myself vulnerable to rejection, and to be sure that I always "win." His back and forth behavior and groveling is not very 8ish especially when unhealthy - unhealthy 8s will think it's weak to be needy, emotional, or vulnerable, or to beg someone to be with them. (Oddly I think if I ever did that it would be because I'm really healthy, but the thought makes me shiver.) I also can't imagine a scenario in which I would "flaunt my vulnerable feelings" by blogging about the people I'm currently dating? Why I would do that? That is giving way too much power to them, and also, to strangers.

    The type of stuff this guy is doing sounds unhealthy, and I would not claim he's more unhealthy than I was. I was pretty bad, and no better than anyone else so I'm not judging, or saying another type is worse than 8. But I was an asshole in a completely different way. I wasn't playing manipulative heart-games with blogs, and I wasn't waffling back and forth like "I love you, take me back" and "Now I love someone else." I'd admit that what I did was also crude, but certainly not in that vain. What he did was hot-blooded, whereas 8s will be cold-blooded, especially when disintegrated. Think about the connection to 5 and what that means? Cold-blooded; 8s are expansive animalistic creatures and when we start strategizing and thinking and retracting to protect ourselves it's not pretty or warm at all.

    Each enneagram fixation is, in essence, a protective reaction against their vulnerable soul-child, which is their integration point. Type 2 is the integration point for 8s. That means the 8's personality develops as a reaction against this needy/ giving behavior. Giving, and needing someone else's approval, and being selfless, makes an 8 feel too vulnerable, and so instead, the 8 will say "I don't need anyone, I can do everything on my own." An unhealthy SX 8 will be possessive and magnanimous - on their own terms - rather than generous or "merged" with someone or groveling or meeting their needs; "giving in order to receive love" like a 2 feels too vulnerable. If you're vulnerable, and giving of yourself, and the other person shows signs of betraying you, you "reject first." The 8 missed the childhood message "You will not be betrayed" - so an SX 8 will be likely to apply that to an intimate or people they're very close to and share intensity with. Revenge, for me, would come in the form of "you betrayed me, I don't need you anymore." I wouldn't bother with them any more than that unless they really got in my way - stalked me, bothered my new lover, hurt someone else that I care about etc. It's an over-sensitivity to rejection. You also have to realize 8 is a rejection type, and integrates to 2 - a rejection type, and disintegrates to 5 - a rejection type. No matter what you do, you can't escape this tremendous rejection issue. So if someone doesn't want me, I don't want to be where I'm not wanted and I don't need them. If someone 'belongs' to me and I feel myself "giving" to them and "going out of my way for them" I feel vulnerable, and my instinct can be to feel out of control when things aren't going my way, and try to get control through possessiveness. If that doesn't work, I don't need them anymore & cut them off, at least on an emotional level: they can't get to me any more, ever again. That's different from playing the sort of games you're describing here - blogs, and waffling.

    Let me know if that makes sense.


    But I asked, because I read that Sexual Eights want to be surrounded by beauty.
    Just curious, where did you read that?
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    Sexuals in general can have a preoccupation with beauty and idealistic romance, and if we see our SO as not fulfilling that role of aesthetic lover, then we may feel like the match is not a good one. I don't think that necessarily has anything to do with "conventional" beauty, though, nor his enneatype. I also am not sure that attempting to analyze him while you are still so angry will yield helpful results, as your natural reaction may be to vilify anything associated with him.
    I'm not sure but that might be a super-ego thing with SX; the lover has to meet a certain standard that is congruent with your ideals? I do have standards, but it's not "one blanket standard" like they have to fit some greater ideal... it's more like, 1) am I turned on? 2) can I trust you/ are you gonna betray me? 3) does this pairing make logical sense (and if not, I will try to make it work anyway, but I won't wait for someone forever...)

    I dated a guy who I strongly suspect is an SX 1, and he was so "turned on" by me, and found me so sexy and loved my mind, but physically I wasn't his "type" - he's into blonds, big boobs, etc. He used to actually cry because "so many guys would die to be with you and you're so beautiful by most standards but you don't fit MY standard of physical beauty" ... well anyway, that didn't last very long. I broke it off, even though he didn't understand why, because he loved everything else about me and he could "deal with" me not being his "type" even though he would rather that I was.

    I would never be in that sort of situation - if I like someone I like them; I don't have outside standards which need apply or else I'm conflicted.... beyond the obvious: I need trust, and communication.
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  9. #9
    Senior Member Entropic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    Sexuals in general can have a preoccupation with beauty and idealistic romance, and if we see our SO as not fulfilling that role of aesthetic lover, then we may feel like the match is not a good one. I don't think that necessarily has anything to do with "conventional" beauty, though, nor his enneatype. I also am not sure that attempting to analyze him while you are still so angry will yield helpful results, as your natural reaction may be to vilify anything associated with him.
    I agree with @Maybe; I don't relate to beauty or idealistic romance. I want one thing and that's a person who accepts the totality of me and that's pretty much it. A person I can trust enough to open up myself to without being judged.

    I am not sure if this is idealistic romance and it certainly does not pertain to any specific beauty standards.

    I was waiting for the day you and I would meet.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maybe View Post
    I'm a SX 8 with a 4 and 5 fix.

    First of all, I will start by telling you I went through a time in my life when I was SUPER unhealthy. I put a little personal story about my unhealthy relationship style inside the spoiler if you wanna read it >.>



    You'd have to put a gun to my head to get me on my knees begging someone not to break up with me, or to take me back. I won't willingly set myself up for rejection - in fact when I'm unhealthy (or admittedly, even still) I'd go out of my way to avoid making myself vulnerable to rejection, and to be sure that I always "win." His back and forth behavior and groveling is not very 8ish especially when unhealthy - unhealthy 8s will think it's weak to be needy, emotional, or vulnerable, or to beg someone to be with them. (Oddly I think if I ever did that it would be because I'm really healthy, but the thought makes me shiver.) I also can't imagine a scenario in which I would "flaunt my vulnerable feelings" by blogging about the people I'm currently dating? Why I would do that? That is giving way too much power to them, and also, to strangers.

    The type of stuff this guy is doing sounds unhealthy, and I would not claim he's more unhealthy than I was. I was pretty bad, and no better than anyone else so I'm not judging, or saying another type is worse than 8. But I was an asshole in a completely different way. I wasn't playing manipulative heart-games with blogs, and I wasn't waffling back and forth like "I love you, take me back" and "Now I love someone else." I'd admit that what I did was also crude, but certainly not in that vain. What he did was hot-blooded, whereas 8s will be cold-blooded, especially when disintegrated. Think about the connection to 5 and what that means? Cold-blooded; 8s are expansive animalistic creatures and when we start strategizing and thinking and retracting to protect ourselves it's not pretty or warm at all.

    Each enneagram fixation is, in essence, a protective reaction against their vulnerable soul-child, which is their integration point. Type 2 is the integration point for 8s. That means the 8's personality develops as a reaction against this needy/ giving behavior. Giving, and needing someone else's approval, and being selfless, makes an 8 feel too vulnerable, and so instead, the 8 will say "I don't need anyone, I can do everything on my own." An unhealthy SX 8 will be possessive and magnanimous - on their own terms - rather than generous or "merged" with someone or groveling or meeting their needs; "giving in order to receive love" like a 2 feels too vulnerable. If you're vulnerable, and giving of yourself, and the other person shows signs of betraying you, you "reject first." The 8 missed the childhood message "You will not be betrayed" - so an SX 8 will be likely to apply that to an intimate or people they're very close to and share intensity with. Revenge, for me, would come in the form of "you betrayed me, I don't need you anymore." I wouldn't bother with them any more than that unless they really got in my way - stalked me, bothered my new lover, hurt someone else that I care about etc. It's an over-sensitivity to rejection. You also have to realize 8 is a rejection type, and integrates to 2 - a rejection type, and disintegrates to 5 - a rejection type. No matter what you do, you can't escape this tremendous rejection issue. So if someone doesn't want me, I don't want to be where I'm not wanted and I don't need them. If someone 'belongs' to me and I feel myself "giving" to them and "going out of my way for them" I feel vulnerable, and my instinct can be to feel out of control when things aren't going my way, and try to get control through possessiveness. If that doesn't work, I don't need them anymore & cut them off, at least on an emotional level: they can't get to me any more, ever again. That's different from playing the sort of games you're describing here - blogs, and waffling.

    Let me know if that makes sense.



    Just curious, where did you read that?
    I read that in that Richard Rohr book. I can't remember the name. It does make sense. And he was only doing the back and forth thing when I was playing into it. When I put my foot down and stopped entertaining it or getting angry and firing back, he finally shut his mouth, and I could tell he did it to act like I didn't reject him and he wanted to be in charge of who was doing that. I don't mean to make you feel too sappy, but I always love your responses. I love being around Eights. Thanks.

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