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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    Another thought: If you save up over the years to help pay for college or a car for him, that is a tangible way to demonstrate that you have been thinking of him and invested in him in a way that required a commitment. I know that everything you said is true and that he will be damaged by this situation. It is especially unfortunate that is mother has such issues to burden him with. I hope he can have access to someone especially loving even if it is a grandparent, uncle, aunt, or anyone. It makes a huge difference if a child can have some model of compassion.

    It is surprising how much a human being can survive and that at any point we can grow at least a little. I was fortunate to have a loving mother, although she did have anxiety issues, understandably. I grew up knowing that my father tried to kill my mother and brother, called my sister an ugly duckling, and declared in court records that I was not his child. These issues come to the survive during the teen years, and that is why I mentioned the importance of connecting around age 18 if there is no way to do it sooner. Teenagers are trying to understand themselves and so they rebel against parents, but also become deeply curious about absent parents and how that affects who they are as a person. I thought I was half evil, and it was damaging to me, but I managed to survive it. My brother is especially damaged, but he has made some progress. Unfortunately he married a narcissistic woman, so his damage has continued. To be involved from the age 18 can help to stabilize a child's life. It will be important the he not marry a woman like his mother. It will be important to know you are invested in his success and proud of him as he tries to make the most important choices of his life. That's why I was thinking that if you could start saving towards that goal, he will know that you have always been invested in him, and a lot of healing can take place.

    Edit: One more thing (I guess this scenario struck a chord of concern), when the day comes that you try to reconnect when he is a teenager, he may be resistant at first. He may try to reject you to whatever extent he has been taught that you rejected him. I can guarantee you 100% that deep down he will long for your acceptance. At that point if you are gently persistent, show approval and help him feel safe and strong, he will eventually respond and connect.
    Thank you. Yes, I already checked regarding resp funds and ill be able to start one for him once I have parmement residence.

    The scanerio that I wont see him until he is a teenager is scary as fuck... But you are right, if that happens I will need to be there when the time comes, and show him that I never forgot about him or stopped caring for him.

    one notion of your post striked me hard.... Living with the knowledge. Either I tell him the truth, and he will live with the knowledge of what she did and her lying to him all these years, potentially damaging his trust and relationships with women entirely, or I let him believe I abandoned him or that I didnt fight for him, striking st his very notion of self, his esteem, his sense of abandonment...

    If I could get her to own up to it, it would give a clear lesser evil, potentially even providing him with a positive model, but... the only thing I know she ever owned up for was a mild offense, somethinvg mean she said to a boy when she was 14 and even that took half a decade of distance to be able to see her past self...

    and it wont be just me. He will likely have seen many men go through revolving door by then... A persistent cycle of potentials promising to fill the void and then disapointing him.
    Not only will each guy have to make that huge choice that comes with single mothers, I am sure I am not the only guy who can fall inlove with him, but then... They will each in turn figure out from her or from him that last time someone made that choice and trusted her with the parental relationship she didnt.. And sees nothing wrong with it, giving them no indication she wont do the same. And those who wont be able to make that mental connection wont be able to make other connections as well, they wont stimulate her and when she feels something is missing she goes looking for it with others and qill loose them both, then of whats left, who took the plunge, how many of them wil stick by for him as no matter how much pain nad suffering she causes they never get any indication of remorse, and she has nothing in her to stop herself, no guilt... And how many of those who stick by wont become human at times, wont fall off her pedestal of ideals... One father after another... All abandoning him

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    Thank you. Yes, I already checked regarding resp funds and ill be able to start one for him once I have parmement residence.

    The scanerio that I wont see him until he is a teenager is scary as fuck... But you are right, if that happens I will need to be there when the time comes, and show him that I never forgot about him or stopped caring for him.

    one notion of your post striked me hard.... Living with the knowledge. Either I tell him the truth, and he will live with the knowledge of what she did and her lying to him all these years, potentially damaging his trust and relationships with women entirely, or I let him believe I abandoned him or that I didnt fight for him, striking st his very notion of self, his esteem, his sense of abandonment...

    If I could get her to own up to it, it would give a clear lesser evil, potentially even providing him with a positive model, but... the only thing I know she ever owned up for was a mild offense, somethinvg mean she said to a boy when she was 14 and even that took half a decade of distance to be able to see her past self...
    My mother had a difficult task explaining our situation to us. It touched me that she tried to include positive things while not denying the negative things we remembered. She always said he was very intelligent and musical and that is probably where our abilities came from, which isn't necessarily true, but one of the absolute nicest things she could possibly say in such a circumstance. I can see focusing on the positive where you describe completely how much you always loved him, and don't spare anything in that for her sake. When explaining her faults, you will need a bit more nuance. I would try to say some positive things about her, remain silent about other things, perhaps focus on the trouble being between you and her and not implying that she lacks love for him. Perhaps focus on the fact that all people are limited in perspective, doing their best (even if that is generous), and that the results can fall short even when both parents love a child and have only good intentions. The one thing I would absolutely not recommend is going along with any untruth she has taught him about who you are. You do need to present yourself honestly, but be diplomatic and as positive as possible about discussing her. This is my understanding of these dynamics anyway.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    and it wont be just me. He will likely have seen many men go through revolving door by then... A persistent cycle of potentials promising to fill the void and then disapointing him.
    Not only will each guy have to make that huge choice that comes with single mothers, I am sure I am not the only guy who can fall inlove with him, but then... They will each in turn figure out from her or from him that last time someone made that choice and trusted her with the parental relationship she didnt.. And sees nothing wrong with it, giving them no indication she wont do the same. And those who wont be able to make that mental connection wont be able to make other connections as well, they wont stimulate her and when she feels something is missing she goes looking for it with others and qill loose them both, then of whats left, who took the plunge, how many of them wil stick by for him as no matter how much pain nad suffering she causes they never get any indication of remorse, and she has nothing in her to stop herself, no guilt... And how many of those who stick by wont become human at times, wont fall off her pedestal of ideals... One father after another... All abandoning him
    I am so sorry that your son is going to suffer through this, and there may not be answer that can spare him. For your sake, and possibly for his, there might be something to a spiritual approach of sending good thoughts, praying, or whatever a individual finds meaningful to express to the universe your concern. I tend to be rationalistic in my own perspective about spirituality, but many people have something they rely on that can help them to feel like there is help beyond the tangible world. If for no other reason, it can provide a type of hope, and who knows, maybe it does provide help as well.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

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