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  1. #1
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    Default What's it take to keep a relationship with a 4?

    Every girl I've ever been with has been a 4.

    I've been with 2's and 6's. Their emotion isn't intense enough. It isn't enough. I'm left unsatisfied.

    Every time a relationship was ALMOST within grasp. Then I reach out and try to grab it and poof, they're gone.

    Its been this way my whole life. It can make an ESTP begin to hate women.

    I also feel like they're the only type that satisfies me, they quench my thirst.

    Suggestions?

  2. #2
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    I'm assuming the relationship you were in has ended? Do you know why would desire the emotion so much?

  3. #3
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    @Standuble
    We got really comfortable and close together. I asked her to be my companion over text. At first she was like, "life is too short! I'm up for something new and exciting! I miss my family so much, but at the same time I've never felt so loved and special! Life begins at the end of your comfort zone!" (She does this strawman thing where its like she's talking about how amazing the clouds are, or how amazing her hypothetical boyfriend makes her feel. And when she has something negative to say, she says it directly at me. Its bullshit.) Anyway she did that, I got excited. I said, "great, come over here and have a drink with me and let me kiss you for a change."

    It seemed like she was pumping herself up to get ready to be in a relationship with me, and then chickened out.

    "I can't... I just cancelled a date for tonight. I feel I need to be left alone."

    Anyway she provoked me into a conversation with her that led to me admitting to her that I was falling in love with her. It went all night. Next morning she's telling me she never wants to hear from me again, and that we can't be friends because "you [djarendee] can't accept that my feelings won't change!" She sends me this song "Rhianna - Stay" because apparently that's how she feels in life, which is still vague and confusing to me.

    Sometimes she says she values our friendship, one time I told her I wasn't her friend and couldn't be. She calls me back 2 weeks later in tears talking about how attracted she is to me and how she cares about me etc.

    So basically, we get super close, she starts saying things like, "we should get matching ____" and she'll wear a leather jacket out to dinner with me because she realized I was wearing mine. Then We have a good time. Then I feel like I'm ready to start a relationship with her and she is too! So I ask, and its almost like she said yes, but NOT QUITE!

    And now she's cursing me out telling me we can no longer speak to each other.

    Fuck this shit. Seriously. EVERY GOD DAMN 4 has been this way.

    I desire the emotion because it satisfies me! It terrifies me! Its a challenge and its ever present! The physical attraction is there, the passion is incredible. Its a great thing that none of the other types bring to me. So why look anywhere else?

    I'm pretty sure she'll call me back in a couple weeks. Its been this way for 9 months. I'm fucking sick of it. A woman who wants to be "Just friends" doesn't get this emotionally intense, doesn't buy me dinner every couple weeks, doesn't tell me she's done talking to other guys.

  4. #4
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Sounds very messy. Sorry.

  5. #5
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Hehe. Gotto love them 8's.

    The downside of the intensity you seek is that it is extremely volatile. And if it is built in too short a time it can be exhilirating, addictive and exhausting. It needs to be build on a solid foundation of trust and mutual understanding as well as that mutual thirst for intensity. She sounds...inexperienced. Drawn to you due to the addictive chemistry between you two yet puzzled as to why it feels off after a while. It could very well be that she has either not realized that that kind of emotional intensity cannot be sustained, even between 4 sx doms and 8 sx doms , leaving her strung out like a junkie after a while and therefore unwilling to settle when it wears off , or she hasnt figured out yet that that degree of intense attraction does not neccessarily constitute actual long term compatbility, or lastly, the intensity frightens her too much, as much as it attracts her.. Compatibility and attraction are two distinctly different things and two distinctly different drives and needs to be satisfied. Your intense connection is no doubt a recipe for some amazing and highly satisfying sex but it does not guarantee your future together as a couple

    Either put up with her at your own risk and wait for her to figure it out and grow up, or find yourself a mate who is there already.
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  6. #6
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    You have to be totally perfect to her, and be exactly the way that they want you to be in their minds; or else they won't be happy.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  7. #7
    libtard SJW chickpea's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    You have to be totally perfect to her, and be exactly the way that they want you to be in their minds; or else they won't be happy.
    exactly. why can't guys understand that

  8. #8
    Away with the fairies Southern Kross's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Arendee View Post
    Standuble
    We got really comfortable and close together. I asked her to be my companion over text. At first she was like, "life is too short! I'm up for something new and exciting! I miss my family so much, but at the same time I've never felt so loved and special! Life begins at the end of your comfort zone!" (She does this strawman thing where its like she's talking about how amazing the clouds are, or how amazing her hypothetical boyfriend makes her feel. And when she has something negative to say, she says it directly at me. Its bullshit.) Anyway she did that, I got excited. I said, "great, come over here and have a drink with me and let me kiss you for a change."

    It seemed like she was pumping herself up to get ready to be in a relationship with me, and then chickened out.

    "I can't... I just cancelled a date for tonight. I feel I need to be left alone."

    Anyway she provoked me into a conversation with her that led to me admitting to her that I was falling in love with her. It went all night. Next morning she's telling me she never wants to hear from me again, and that we can't be friends because "you [djarendee] can't accept that my feelings won't change!" She sends me this song "Rhianna - Stay" because apparently that's how she feels in life, which is still vague and confusing to me.

    Sometimes she says she values our friendship, one time I told her I wasn't her friend and couldn't be. She calls me back 2 weeks later in tears talking about how attracted she is to me and how she cares about me etc.

    So basically, we get super close, she starts saying things like, "we should get matching ____" and she'll wear a leather jacket out to dinner with me because she realized I was wearing mine. Then We have a good time. Then I feel like I'm ready to start a relationship with her and she is too! So I ask, and its almost like she said yes, but NOT QUITE!

    And now she's cursing me out telling me we can no longer speak to each other.

    Fuck this shit. Seriously. EVERY GOD DAMN 4 has been this way.

    I desire the emotion because it satisfies me! It terrifies me! Its a challenge and its ever present! The physical attraction is there, the passion is incredible. Its a great thing that none of the other types bring to me. So why look anywhere else?

    I'm pretty sure she'll call me back in a couple weeks. Its been this way for 9 months. I'm fucking sick of it. A woman who wants to be "Just friends" doesn't get this emotionally intense, doesn't buy me dinner every couple weeks, doesn't tell me she's done talking to other guys.
    Yeah, that sounds frustrating. I agree with @Amargith that she sounds inexperienced. She hasn't got to a place where she's able to get a handle on the push/pull factor that 4s can have. We want intensity but we are also terrified of it. We desire intimacy and relationships but are withdrawn and feel fiercely self-protective. We have to learn to moderate those feelings and that can take a while to achieve that.

    The texts she's sending you are rather cryptic to me (perhaps she's a 4w3, and that's why it confuses me). It sounds like she wants to impress you and convince herself of own feelings at the same time. It seems like a faux emotional bravado. She feels attracted to you but at the same time is frightened of getting close to you, and is trying to psych herself into taking a leap. The other unpleasant things are probably her fears and insecurities coming to the surface in the form of negativity towards you.

    You have to decide if it worth it sticking with her. If you do, do what 8s do best and be up front about your concerns. Try not to be accusatory or demanding (she will baulk at this). Explain that you want to be with her - that you can take things as slowly as she wants but that you need her to be more honest about when she's feeling uneasy. (Gently) explain that it's frustrating and confusing for you when she freaks out and pulls away rather than talking about what's going on. Tell her you're willing to make some compromises but that you need her to explain what she needs from you because you're confused about how to behave. Your frankness might even reassure her that it's OK for her to be frank too. It might also be a good idea to tell her these things and give her a chance to think about them, rather than requiring an answer straight away.

    I'm thinking you're going to have to be pretty patient and resist the urge to dive straight into an intimate relationship. 4s take a while to feel safe enough to open up and let someone in.
    INFP 4w5 so/sp

    I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas;
    they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind.

    - Emily Bronte

  9. #9
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    Thanks for the awesome responses.

    I think she's also scared she'll cheat on me. I asked her "what are you afraid of?" Her response: "Hurting people." She also revealed some things about her past.

    As far as being inexperienced, she might be inexperienced with dealing with her own emotions as a 4... but at the same time... she's extremely experienced sexually and she's older than me and has seen a lot more than I have. (She's actually prides herself in her terrible experiences and "how much she's been through" rather self righteously and talks down to me like I don't know wtf I'm talking about. However I since corrected her on her bullshit (HAY MY LIFE SUCKS TOO!).)

    The only accusations I've done were after she told me she never wanted to talk to me etc. I told her she's a coward, and she needs to drop this unnecessary shame and see herself for what she really is. Other than that we're currently in "don't talk to me ever again" status, although an hour after she sent that text, she sent another one that said, "that last text was for someone else not you."

    Part of me says she'll come crawling back. As arrogant as it sounds I suspect I'm the only guy that tells her how magical she is all the time.

    Yeah, it sounded like she was giving herself a pep talk. She was ABOUT to get into a relationship with me then BOOM, osama bin fear crashed his airplane full of self doubt into a life full of sadness.

    You could be right about the intensity thing. There was the melancholy intensity that I felt for her. I think that was just her being a 4. After that though, the intense melancholy lust disappeared and turned into this kindred passion that was much more positive and even more intense than any "kinky shit" could satisfy. This was when I started thinking I was actually falling love. Part of me feels like that will never happen again as I've never experienced it with any other personality other than 4's.

  10. #10
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    I'm going to agree with @Southern Kross , but I also think what she describes is more like us 5-wingers. Not wanting to be engulfed by someone else is 5ish, and that makes us harder to crack open to begin with. There's a bravado here that's possibly 3ish.... Maybe she's a Fe type too (likely).

    I'd boil it down to her just liking attention from you, but ultimately you're missing "something", so that's why she's resisting more. The more unhealthy/immature a 4 is, the more they'll focus on what's missing. w5s deal with this by avoiding real relationships in favor of fantasy/sabotaging their own attractiveness, and but w3s probably try to fake it more, at least for awhile. Both probably play "hard to get" to test people.

    However, as 4s, we often experience this as not feeling ideal enough ourselves. We don't want to burden someone with ourselves (we want the savior, but then feel too bad to be saved). I think we probably invented the "it's not you, it's me" phrase, only we really mean it.

    -------
    EDIT

    Oh yeah...making it work...
    Well, it's not going to work with someone that unstable. I think 4s have to get to a point where they feel they have something to give. They don't need a savior, because they saved themselves. When you realize you can be flawed AND have significance as a 4, then you allow others the same too, so when they fail to fit a fantasy ideal, it's okay.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

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