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  1. #1
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    Default Unconditional Self-Acceptance

    Unconditional self-acceptance may be hard for everyone (necessary as it is), but it seems like it's especially hard for Ones. By nature, from a One's eyes, everything ends up being viewed as either "perfect" or "flawed", as either deserving or undeserving of blame/praise. If there's a reward, there's a reason for it. Plus points for good behavior, a slap on the wrist for bad. In other words: pretty much nothing ends up being accepted unconditionally.

    Fellow Ones: How do you get yourself out of this mindset when looking at yourself? Is there a process, to learning how to forgive yourself? Do you actively work towards it, or does it happen naturally?
    ~ g e t f e s t i v e ! ~


    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"



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  2. #2
    ^He pronks, too! Magic Poriferan's Avatar
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    Unconditional self-love is a bit ridiculous. I don't know if anyone should have it. But for someone who has a history of being perfectionistic and unforgiving of oneself, it seems like a particularly unreasonable target. It oddly plays into that very flaw. Setting a goal for your character you probably can't hope to achieve. It might just become another source of disappointment in yourself.

    I'd say don't try to go from seeking perfection to loving yourself unconditionally. Just aim for loving yourself conditionally with conditions that aren't so onerous.
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    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Not a 1, but likely with 1 in trifix, so I will answer anyway. Unconditional acceptance is not just ridiculous, but self-defeating. It is a recipe for complacency and stagnation. If you accept everything unconditionally, why bother to change or to improve? I prefer to support my desire to better myself with the confidence that, through hard work and perseverence, I will be able to do so. That is empowering and productive.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  4. #4
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    Interesting. Was not expecting this response!

    Expect a more detailed reply soon. No time now.
    ~ g e t f e s t i v e ! ~


    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"



    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  5. #5
    The Iron Giant
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    From the perspective of someone who's NOT a one, I'll speak to the assertion that unconditional self love is ridiculous/self defeating. It's not. It's accepting your successes and failures as efforts that don't diminish your personal value. Deciding to love yourself unconditionally doesn't mean you stop trying to succeed. It just means you don't hate yourself when you make a mistake.

  6. #6
    Senior Member UniqueMixture's Avatar
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    A lot of times perfectionism comes from being held to unrealistic standards as children usually by more authoritarian parenting styles. It may help you to read some Pia Melody or something and realize that a lot of that stuff is really someone else's drama, not your own.
    For all that we have done, as a civilization, as individuals, the universe is not stable, and nor is any single thing within it. Stars consume themselves, the universe itself rushes apart, and we ourselves are composed of matter in constant flux. Colonies of cells in temporary alliance, replicating and decaying and housed within, an incandescent cloud of electrical impulses. This is reality, this is self knowledge, and the perception of it will, of course, make you dizzy.

  7. #7
    Glycerine
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    I tend to agree with the unconditional self-acceptance idea. Accepting that one has imperfections and loving yourself in spite of it all is not the same as denying responsibility. It can be as simple as "Yes I did make a mistake but it taught me a valuable lesson. I will do better next time" instead of "OMG, I screwed that up. I am highly incompetent".

  8. #8
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stephen View Post
    From the perspective of someone who's NOT a one, I'll speak to the assertion that unconditional self love is ridiculous/self defeating. It's not. It's accepting your successes and failures as efforts that don't diminish your personal value. Deciding to love yourself unconditionally doesn't mean you stop trying to succeed. It just means you don't hate yourself when you make a mistake.
    I would agree... and this is important because 4 disintegration is what not accepting yourself leads to for a 1, IMO.

    Both 1s & 4s have "ideal selves", and when 1s beat themselves up, they're reflecting negative 4 qualities. A big thing for 4s & 1s, IMO, is accepting the reality of yourself and others. It's not about making excuses (which is what I think 1s want to interpret it as) nor "losing your identity" by compromising/adjusting (4 fear). You can't really grow or improve if you don't accept reality anyway...you inhibit yourself instead because you create too many "shoulds". 1s & 4s inhibit in different ways, but both do it, and it's usually negative (as opposed to whatever self-control they think it amounts to).
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

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  9. #9
    Senior Member tinker683's Avatar
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    This may be very ISFJ of me to say....but I feel like you need hug EJCC

    "The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."
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    Likes gromit liked this post

  10. #10
    my floof is luxury Wind Up Rex's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    Unconditional self-acceptance may be hard for everyone (necessary as it is), but it seems like it's especially hard for Ones. By nature, from a One's eyes, everything ends up being viewed as either "perfect" or "flawed", as either deserving or undeserving of blame/praise. If there's a reward, there's a reason for it. Plus points for good behavior, a slap on the wrist for bad. In other words: pretty much nothing ends up being accepted unconditionally.

    Fellow Ones: How do you get yourself out of this mindset when looking at yourself? Is there a process, to learning how to forgive yourself? Do you actively work towards it, or does it happen naturally?
    First, I wanna speak to the validity of unconditional self-acceptance as it seems to be somewhat in doubt here. How I define unconditional self-acceptance is not some standardless, self-congratulating wade into the abyss, but more striving for a detached, objective and holisitic self-assessment. It's for that reason I generally prefer the term radical self-acceptance to unconditional self-acceptance. All the ought's and should's that people carry around with them can warp their vision of themselves. The purpose of radical self-acceptance is to clear all that away, see what's really there, and create a new baseline for yourself. This is who I am good, bad or indifferent.

    If you constantly reject certain parts or are unwilling to even explore certain parts of yourself because of your fear of finding something unacceptable, then you'll always lack that grounded view of yourself. From what I know of 1s, they are practical idealist. Understanding self-acceptance as an exercise in reality, I'd think, would make the whole endeavor endlessly more accessible. The thing is, though, you gotta do it honestly. You've gotta get to a space where you can both a) let go of those "oughts" so you can see clearly, and b) recognize the good as well as the bad and take a balanced view of both. Don't overblow the faults, nor underplay the virtues. That's probably the hardest part. Self-acceptance is a process, but one that's incredibly worthwhile. Especially when you get to the point where you can look in the mirror and say, "Hey, this person's pretty alright, and deserves every single thing that I want for her."
    And so long as you haven’t experienced this: to die and so to grow,
    you are only a troubled guest on the dark earth

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