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  1. #1
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    Default Can Enneagram 8's really have a deep, loving union with someone?

    I ask, because it seems like every Eight (who has that as their first dominant type) I have known seems to not see the relationship as a union or "one flesh", but continuously resorts back to putting their needs entirely first, even when it is absolutely counterproductive and defeats the point of a relationship. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, I am asking because that is the only type I have or ever will be involved with and they have always turned into a disaster from very early in the relationship. Even outside of the Eight's that I have dated I don't think I have really known any males of this type who didn't behave this way. There must be something healthier. I know of a lot of Italian Christian and Catholic leaders who are Eights who seem to have it together, but don't know them personally. Maybe this is a reason why the Pope became a Priest, because he knew he wasn't good at relationships

  2. #2
    Senior Member Chiharu's Avatar
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    I know Eights in stable, loving relationships... but they usually settle down later in life and tend to be very choosy about their mates.
    Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness." ― Kurt Vonnegut

    ENFP. 7w6 – 4w3 – 1w9 sx/so. Aries. Dilettante. Overly anxious optimist.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chiharu View Post
    I know Eights in stable, loving relationships... but they usually settle down later in life and tend to be very choosy about their mates.
    So they are choosy about their mates? Well, thanks for letting me know that, because nothing I read online has said that, other than what I have read that a lot of them have struggled with womanizing, but maybe that is sort of the same thing. Do you think they are superficially choosy? You don't think that is an immature quality that maybe they later let go of and that is why they settle in the older years?

  4. #4
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    why shouldn't they be able to?

    Not every relationship is the same... some relationships that you might write off as shallow on the surface are quite deep and loving... be careful about judging what you aren't a member of
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  5. #5
    Senior Member sulfit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Newbyagain View Post
    I ask, because it seems like every Eight (who has that as their first dominant type) I have known seems to not see the relationship as a union or "one flesh", but continuously resorts back to putting their needs entirely first, even when it is absolutely counterproductive and defeats the point of a relationship.
    Considering that their enneagram partners are 2s who continuously put other people's needs before their own, it's a match. Other types have issues with 8s.

  6. #6
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    You might want to consider the impacts of instinctual variants and wings for enneatype 8s.

  7. #7
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Newbyagain View Post
    I ask, because it seems like every Eight (who has that as their first dominant type) I have known seems to not see the relationship as a union or "one flesh", but continuously resorts back to putting their needs entirely first, even when it is absolutely counterproductive and defeats the point of a relationship. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, I am asking because that is the only type I have or ever will be involved with and they have always turned into a disaster from very early in the relationship. Even outside of the Eight's that I have dated I don't think I have really known any males of this type who didn't behave this way. There must be something healthier. I know of a lot of Italian Christian and Catholic leaders who are Eights who seem to have it together, but don't know them personally. Maybe this is a reason why the Pope became a Priest, because he knew he wasn't good at relationships
    8s can form meaningful relationships when they get back in touch with their holy idea (innocence). if it were impossible for them to form loving relationships, their growth point would be 2.
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  8. #8
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    Yes! Its my dream to find my soul mate. It holds higher priority in my life than becoming an astronaut or getting rich and saving a small chunk of the world with my power.

    I almost feel like I'm an exosuit, and my soul mate is the one inside. Or I'm a horse, and she's at the reigns. Although most of the time I need to be allowed to run free.

    There are times when I think I've found her. I'd constantly offer her help. She'd constantly deny it and reassure me she'd be ok on her own. We were are our own islands, but sometimes we share one another's space.

    I've never truly loved a woman before until recently. I'm convinced I can only date E4's and E2's. They're so fucking passionate, there is a deep yearning for more of that in my life. Sometimes I fear I'll never find that again. E4's are so awesome, but in my experience they've never been able to actually get into a relationship with me. Their highs are too high, their lows are too low. Too volatile and unstable. I suppose 2's can be the same way once you get to know them? There's just something incredible when a woman comes over to your apartment, the two of you have a drink together and just talk about rainforests and the sound of rain, and then you give one another a warm hug and a kiss and part ways, and that be the new best day of your life.

    My original goal was to not date anyone until I'm 30. I've always felt that was the age where women finally know who they are and have their shit together. Maybe I'll meet a woman who can detatch herself from her emotions and stick around.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Arendee View Post
    Yes! Its my dream to find my soul mate. It holds higher priority in my life than becoming an astronaut or getting rich and saving a small chunk of the world with my power.

    I almost feel like I'm an exosuit, and my soul mate is the one inside. Or I'm a horse, and she's at the reigns. Although most of the time I need to be allowed to run free.

    There are times when I think I've found her. I'd constantly offer her help. She'd constantly deny it and reassure me she'd be ok on her own. We were are our own islands, but sometimes we share one another's space.

    I've never truly loved a woman before until recently. I'm convinced I can only date E4's and E2's. They're so fucking passionate, there is a deep yearning for more of that in my life. Sometimes I fear I'll never find that again. E4's are so awesome, but in my experience they've never been able to actually get into a relationship with me. Their highs are too high, their lows are too low. Too volatile and unstable. I suppose 2's can be the same way once you get to know them? There's just something incredible when a woman comes over to your apartment, the two of you have a drink together and just talk about rainforests and the sound of rain, and then you give one another a warm hug and a kiss and part ways, and that be the new best day of your life.

    My original goal was to not date anyone until I'm 30. I've always felt that was the age where women finally know who they are and have their shit together. Maybe I'll meet a woman who can detatch herself from her emotions and stick around.
    DJ Arendee, this reminds me so much of the connection I feel with Eights! especially an ESTP Eight. I feel like I am in a heavenly trans when we talk. It is something out of this world and I am afraid I wont find it again too. I don't think you would have a problem with a mature Four. As I have matured, I still urge my way along with my moods, but I don't take it to extremes, except under something like a serious life-changing crisis, but then I have learned to allow myself to be sad and work through it. I have seen that a lot of immature (yet old enough to know better) Fours in such situations go the opposite extreme, partying and stuff and I think that just causes them to do an even more drastic bipolar thing, making the depression worse, which anybody probably could find theirself doing under stress actually.
    Last edited by Newbyagain; 02-22-2013 at 02:07 AM.

  10. #10
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chiharu View Post
    I know Eights in stable, loving relationships... but they usually settle down later in life and tend to be very choosy about their mates.
    I agree with this.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

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