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  1. #31
    Blood of the Exile Animal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Webslinger View Post
    I just started writing in mine again yesterday, and I can relate to what you feel when looking at the older bits more than I want to.

    That would make a good thread: journaling style and your type. I will go make it right now.
    That's a good idea. The problem is... I used to write in my diary at night to put myself to sleep. I have a chronic illness & take ambien and other pills in order to sleep so my writing gets really rambly. A lot of it rhymes, regardless.
    Some of the stuff is anger and my ego and straight up conquerer stuff, and some of it is mourning my lost innocence, but then there are these lusty descriptions of my 'prey' ... and they get Reaaaalllll dirty.
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  2. #32
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    you actually refer to yourself with words like lust, sadism, and [insert generic E8 terms here]? That just seems fake. You should use words that you chose instead of something the internet told you.

    The only thing I blog about are things I wanna do, and reasons I feel lonely, things that piss me off, and poems of various inspired images that cross my mind. Although I did recently record how when I'm angry I tend to think megalomaniacal thoughts and a lot of my bottled up emotions start to explode and I get headaches unless I do something kinetic to burn off the adrenaline.

    ps: I'm still an 8 I just changed my type so I can pretend to be the opposite. maybe I'll start acting the part and be more open and emotional.

  3. #33
    Blood of the Exile Animal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Arendee View Post
    you actually refer to yourself with words like lust, sadism, and [insert generic E8 terms here]? That just seems fake. You should use words that you chose instead of something the internet told you.

    The only thing I blog about are things I wanna do, and reasons I feel lonely, things that piss me off, and poems of various inspired images that cross my mind. Although I did recently record how when I'm angry I tend to think megalomaniacal thoughts and a lot of my bottled up emotions start to explode and I get headaches unless I do something kinetic to burn off the adrenaline.
    Um, are you kidding? I wrote that 12 years ago - long before I studied enneagram. Oh, and by the way, I didn't *blog* about it - I hand-wrote it in diaries that I kept hidden in the privacy of my home; not for public consumption. Personally I don't feel the need to blog about my loneliness and feeling sorry for myself publicly; I just like to purge my thoughts in my own diary. Why do you blog about that stuff?

    Considering I didn't even know enneagram when I wrote it, and I wasn't writing it for an audience, it would not make sense for this to have something to do with anything the internet told me. Not to mention, now that I do study enneagram I get my information from books, like Naranjo, Maitri, R & H, Palmer etc. And now I have a better idea where you get your information.... not to be an "information elitist" but that just fits the bigger picture of your knowledge of the type, for instance; when I asked you, you couldn't really tell lust & gluttony apart. Overall, this idea about me "spitting out terms from the internet" sounds like a projection.

    I have two diaries from that year, and the whole thing isn't "referring to myself in generic terms." There is a lot of different content, including ideas for fiction, song lyrics, drawings, plans & lists, and many other things; and I usually write in my diary while I'm on sleeping pills so I have no filter. However, when an 8-4-5 does not know enneagram, they're still an 8-4-5. Therefore such terms and experiences may emerge in the diary; especially when under the influence, and especially considering that the diaries were just for me, and meant only for my eyes; therefore they were entirely unbridled and honest. The 4 and 5 fix would bring that type of introspection to shed clarity on my 8 issues (or my deepest issues in general) within my diary. That's why the diaries are useful as a tool for introspection now, when I am studying myself via enneagram.

    And what about you- can you relate to introspection at all? How honest are you in your public blog entrees? Do those help you to know yourself?

    You're studying enneagram - why? Do think lust is a good thing? Are you proud of it? Because I typed at 8 recently, and as it sinks in, *it hurts.* I'm wondering, do you plan to use enneagram to better yourself? Or for some other reason?

    ps: I'm still an 8 I just changed my type so I can pretend to be the opposite. maybe I'll start acting the part and be more open and emotional.
    I have a 4 fix and friends who are 4s, so I mean no insult to anyone by saying this, but so far you are "acting the part." The concern over my post being "generic" and "not authentic" along with the need to have your megalomaniacal thoughts and loneliness expressed so the public can see it, is quite 4ish.

    Nice work there.
    Art is the blood of the Exile
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  4. #34
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    interesting response

  5. #35
    Blood of the Exile Animal's Avatar
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    I should also mention: I have nothing against online blogs. Many of my friends have them and they are interesting. I also used to keep one when I was unhealthy, and I would do the same thing now if I had time, but I'm enjoying studying enneagram/ typoC in my spare time instead.

    The difference, though, is that when I kept a blog back when I was unhealthy, I put up my "best work" meaning, song lyrics I worked on or poetry or thoughts that were refined from my diary and presented better. I also put up funny anecdotes dedicated to friends. For instance, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou gay? Deny thy butthole and refuse thy cock, or if thou shalt not, I'll no longer be a woman. Tis but thy boyfriend's butt that is my enemy..... etc." -- addressed to my gorgeous gay friend. But that fits in with the sort of "tough demeanor" that is attributed to 8s. On the one hand I wished I could still care "like I used to," but on the other, I never thought I was tough *enough* - I was conscious of any weakness or vulnerability and I used to believe that love or feelings or even the amount of desire I had, was a weakness; and I had to be strong. Those are the sorts of thoughts I reserved for my diary - the lust & innocence stuff - whereas the online blog was more of a place to make people laugh, compete with friends back and forth for writing stuff, and present my best work. I know that some people like to talk about their honest emotions on a blog and you know, I have always admired those people in a way. I'm becoming more like that - PerC was the first time I ever did it in public online. It took a lot for me to open up to the world about my vulnerability. I think for other enneagram types, they might do this more easily, like 4s for instance - as I mentioned, they want people to feel bad for them or share their pain. A 5 might want a place to vent their thoughts, or an SX 5 might secretly wish for connection with someone else through those thoughts. A 2 might just be very emotive and like to connect to others that way. I had problems that in my eyes were much more destructive and dangerous than that, so I'm not putting anyone down for keeping a blog. I just think it's important to know WHY you keep a blog? And why you choose to share the content that you do? It's just something worth thinking about when assessing what your true motives are in the context of enneagram.

    Back then you'd have to put a gun to my head to get me to express deep vulnerable feelings in public, let alone admit even to *myself* that I was lonely. My attitude, even in my own diary, was like "I don't need anyone" - and when I started lusting or wanting some guy (in my diary) I would scold myself for my weakness or put him down in some way so I could convince myself it's just physical. I'd express that I'd conquer him and he would be just like all the other needy complaining drooling fools on his knees before me once I was done with him. If I cared about him, I referred to him as fake, an idealized version of a person in whom I saw my own lost innocence. I simply could not accept that I'd have feelings for a real person, be lonely, be needy.

    When I read it now, it makes me feel disgust for myself back then, but it also makes me feel bad for anybody who was friends with me or had feelings for me. I feel bad for my best friend back then, and I feel like an idiot because we refer to each other as "nemeses" and I have so much anger towards him for shit that happened between us, but when I read my own diary in retrospect, I realize what he must have been dealing with , and how much he must have cared about me, considering how honest he was with me, in telling me "You're a conquerer" and telling me the ugly truths about myself that I didn't want to hear, and how he saw me for who I was, but he still loved me, and was there for me, and somehow put up with me. I have tears in my eyes as I am writing this because these are things I never thought before - I always blamed him for everything. Reading that shit is a slap in the face. I knew I had a heart all along, but I did my best to crush it, and to crush anyone who made me conscious of it so I could keep all my power. At the same time, my public blog back then was funny and/or clever and/or very well-presented if it was emotional at all. If I present a beautiful song with good chords & great lyrics, it's okay to show emotion because the rest of it is like armor. I told myself: I'm showing off my skills and talent, so it's okay if I express genuine emotion in that context, but there is no other context besides music, art, and brilliant fictional, poetic or cryptic writing in which showing vulnerable emotion is acceptable. I actually wrote things in my diary along these lines (this is a paraphrase): "I'm glad I'm feeling some emotions this week - it gave me something to write songs about. Now I have no more emotions and I need to feed so I have a muse for my work. A good piano sound will not make up for emotional mediocrity."
    Art is the blood of the Exile
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  6. #36
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
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    8 intensity. This thread reminds me I'm closed to 8w7 than 7w8.

    Considering that all this enneagram thing is goddamn bullshit for cocksuckers. Useless system of typology.

  7. #37
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    The first thing I did was yell sooo so loud when I was away from my SIL and brother's house. They were all SO QUIET. Four days of absolute silence! I could hardly stand it!

    I just got into an argument with a girl at work and I was ENJOYING the argument. I thought it was a professional one--I'll yell, she'll yell, we'll hash it out, professional, all done. And she started crying! I was so pissed! There's no crying in baseball! Why would she just start out all emotional like that?! She just crumbled up and caved like a little twit! I was trying to have a conversation in a place where normally people are told be hard as stone, and this girl was acting like it was high school.


    I find that venting is the best thing for me. Being able to be loud, and vent, is the best. For me, I go running, and then I yell and scream victories in the middle of the forest, or when I'm driving by myself sometimes. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I turn my inner turmoil into motivation to move weight. Grunting and cussing and all of that is sort of expected when lifting weights and running and shit, so no one thinks you're an awful person when you do it even in public. Having friends that know how you are, and telling the stories to them intensely and dramatically, tends to help me as well. They listen, and feel bad for me or whatever, which isn't even the point.. I got to yell at someone about it, and they know I'm not mad at them.
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  8. #38
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Arendee View Post
    Read half of the OP, it didn't make sense, read half the responses, they didn't make sense.

    This made sense.
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  9. #39
    Senior Member Entropic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Santtu View Post
    8 intensity. This thread reminds me I'm closed to 8w7 than 7w8.

    Considering that all this enneagram thing is goddamn bullshit for cocksuckers. Useless system of typology.
    Then why are you posting in this subforum?

    I was waiting for the day you and I would meet.

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  10. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by LeaT View Post
    Then why are you posting in this subforum?
    I think he's more than permitted to post anywhere he pleases

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