I'm posting this here, because it's a type 1 problem and I think others in the gut triad ought to understand or sympathize or have something to contribute to a conversation about it.
I got to thinking about this while watching "Dexter" -- which figures. A lot of why that show resonates with me so much is how he struggles with his "need". This season, in particular, has him alternating between hating the need and wanting to get rid of it, and loving the need and everything it represents. So watching this season got me thinking a lot about my personal "need": anger.
I'd like to think that I'm a conscientious and right-minded person. I take pride in everything you'd think an ESTJ 1 would take pride in: being reliable, intelligent, trustworthy, honest, grounded. But for every action there's an opposite reaction, and when you try so hard to be one thing, there's always a part of you that wants to rebel. For example: Dexter (again). I watch that show, I relate to all of his rationalizing, I see that there are holes in the justice system that could easily be filled with the right type of vigilante justice. But then I catch myself, I see that those thoughts don't exactly lead down the right path (religious term reference unintended), and I stop myself -- but it's the tension of almost thinking that way that keeps me watching.
Similarly, I have a love/hate relationship with anger. Obviously, being a 1 (and a self-proclaimed "8 in chains"), it's natural that anger defines me, in a sense. Seeing things going wrong is what drives me, and things go wrong every day. My view on humanity and human nature is based almost entirely on jadedness and frustration with human imperfection. Anger is what led me to the career path (nonprofit work) that I'm currently seeking out. That all makes sense, and is not hard to deal with.
The problem is: the anger I'm describing is a heavy stock boiling in a pressure cooker, and because it doesn't get let out -- and it is impossible to turn the temperature down -- I really, really want to let it out.
I fantasize about it. Almost every favorite book/movie/character/etc in my life is some form of rage catharsis that I idolize and secretly want to be. On the one hand, my most common recurring dreams involve going insane and losing control -- but on the other hand, the characters that I love the most seem to have already lost control. Most of this is natural, yes, and even if I'm being dramatic about it, it's only human. But I think I have too much love for anger. I think it's sitting a bit too close to the door of its cage, and I worry that it's going to take the keys from the sleeping guard and let itself out. But what worries me the most is that I almost want that to happen. From my communication with other Ones on TypeC, this isn't a common focus -- and from my communication with people in real life, it's enough to make people a little concerned for you. So I've come to the conclusion that something needs to be done. Anger is trying to seduce me, and I need to resist.
Fellow TypeC members: How much do you relate to this? Is it a problem that you've come to deal with successfully? What can be done to ease this? Can anything morally right take the place of this need that is morally wrong, without repressing it to the point of loving it even more? Do I find an outlet for it? Is that all that needs to be done?
It's possible that I just wrote a wall of text that could be answered with "You're overblowing and dramatizing a small problem, this is natural and common, nothing can be done and you have to live with it" -- but I hope that isn't the case. I hope that this wall of text will help me reconcile all of this and will help people with similar thought processes to reconcile theirs in a similar fashion.