The thing about "grace under fire" is the confirmation that no matter how terrible the world is, there is a pure soul who will stand up for what is right and willingly face the consequences. It makes me feel hopeful for the future of humanity, and that a gem is still a gem in the dirtiest mud. I know the character might not be able to make a difference in the real world, but it just makes the moral stand all the more uplifting. I guess it's the "You can have my life but my soul is free" kind of defiance that speaks to me. I admire them, and I hope I will be able to do the same thing when the time comes. There is also something very dramatic and romantic about dying for what you believe in, and even a hint of "Look what you've done, society, and be ashamed!". Tragedies make humans great. I feel the struggles of humanity within the large sweeping brushstrokes of time and it's all very sad and beautiful. That I think it could very well be a 4 thing, plus a bit of Fe?
I think maybe the difference is that I seek no real results in the outside world, but in the mind of the individual? To die trying is to win already
Wow this is very interesting! Lots of great points! Thanks! I can see traces of something like this in my boyfriend (INFP 9w1) and his uneasy relationship with anger has always perplexed me.To quickly answer all these questions:
2) That's generally not a fear of mine. A part of me, deep down, believes that I can maintain my moral convictions and detach myself from people's failures enough that my morals and theirs can coexist. (I've improved immensely on this in recent years, but I think a consequence of it is that I'm much harder on myself; I can't just go around blaming other people now.)
3) I like the power I get from it. Repression of anger means powerlessness; it means that whatever is making you angry will continue to make you angry, and you can't fight back. Anger, well-channeled, means never being a victim.
4) What bothers me about it is the lack of control I seem to have over it. (See below.) I blurt things out, I offend people.I break social rules by accident. Sometimes I scare people. I don't want to be the scary, "crazy" one. In a perfect world, I'd be the one who befriends the more emotional people and acts as their grounding force. I'm uncomfortable with the opposite role; it's completely contrary to what I try to embody.
5) Doing what needs to be done, with power and fearlessness.
Although @Kasper was right when he said that non-Gut types can only understand so much of what anger is like for us, you are right about the bolded. The everyday things that anger me -- the reasons why I may be angry all the time -- are generally things outside my control, things that are someone else's fault. That anger is a little more shallow and thus a whole lot easier to wield, in situations where wielding anger skillfully is advantageous. Anger at others is the anger that you can dub "righteous anger" and get a lot of satisfaction from, as in the OP. However, the anger that I don't enjoy at all, begins as anger at a situation, and then is directed at myself. I am the object of most of my deeper anger. In my darkest moments, my rage at myself becomes hopelessness; I am broken and imperfect and will never have any worth.
Describing it like that implies that it is the basis for all of my anger, and I don't think it is. But there are often times when I try to use anger to my advantage, but the anger turns itself into sadness instead, taking an energy-creating emotion and turning it into an energy-draining one. Example: academic failures. I'll try to use anger at a poor grade to do better in the class, but I'll despair instead, beating myself up about the grade and (temporarily) giving up on the possibility of grade improvement.
This could be another reason why I want to let my anger out in a righteous way: It's a lot better, and more constructive, than the alternative, and it doesn't seem that I'm mature enough at the moment to find something new and even better. Either that, or I just need to be shown; what's the quote about those who see, those who see when they're shown, and those who don't see?
There are bits and pieces in your post that I'd like to reply to, and I tried to cut and paste things in a different order, but ended up messing it up, so I guess I'll organize my thoughts into a few main points.
The motivation: Maybe that's not the right word, but there seems to be something very deep down that motivates anger? Compared to guilt, which I feel a lot, it seems anger is more object-oriented, and change-oriented. When I feel guilty, I feel that I should have tried harder, or I should have been smarter so I would have been able to predict what was to come (which means that maybe if I had paid more attention maybe I would have picked up on the clues). I'm hard on myself for being selfish. Interestingly, I never feel powerless. When something goes wrong, it is not because I am powerless to change it. On the contrary, I had all the power change the outcome, but did not do so because I was somehow selfish. And why is it so bad to be selfish? I don't really know right now, but I suspect that it is because it does not match up to my self image and it makes me feel ashamed for being a fraud. On the other hand, if I know I had tried my very best and something did not work, I am free of that guilt. Stuff then gets interpreted in terms of the tragedy of human existence.
So maybe anger has a stronger focus on results and slightly less focus on the intention?
"Righteous Anger": I think you said you find this anger easier to handle. The only problem you have with it is that you want it 100% under control so you can use it constructively. I haven't got a lot of experience dealing with this kind of anger. I've only felt it 'in passing' when I hear upsetting news and I want justice done to the wrongdoers, but I almost never feel it in real life situations.
I think there are two types of righteous anger: the first is the shallower, more explosive type, where you suddenly feel soooo angry, going from zero to a hundred in a blink. This can be very destructive if not kept under control. I think the best way to deal with it is to remind yourself that what you feel at the moment is most likely colored by a lot of other factors, such as presumptions and emotions. This is the kind of anger that people regret the most. I think if you regret something, it means you don't think it's right after the moment has passed. Maybe the key is to slow down, stop yourself from doing anything and remind yourself that what you are feeling is not the truth. It probably has some truth in it, which got you angry in the first place, but the anger might have been intensified by other things and perhaps you don't know the whole truth yet. This works for me when I'm trying to mood-manage. What you are feeling is not the whole truth. That usually stops me from wanting to kill myself out of the in-the-moment guilt or shame.
The second type is deeper, less explosive, and does not disappear after the moment. I think this anger really needs a healthy outlet, or it will become bitter and vengeful. Because it doesn't compel you to act upon it immediately, I think this can be explored to a deeper level, and you can perhaps bring in compassion as well. Yes, people mess up, and, yes, sometimes people are downright evil. But sometimes I can't help but feel that I am 'good' because I was loved as a child (and still am). People nurtured me. People believed in me. That is why I grew up to be who I am today. Some people are not that lucky, and in their world everything is confusing. They don't know what it's like to love and therefore have no idea how to love others. So, maybe they messed up, and maybe they hurt other people, but it's just because their reality is so messed up in the first place. I think maybe anger should be directed not at what they have done, but how to rectify it and help prevent future such incidents from happening.
I'll share a bit more about being on the "receiving end". I usually am very upset when someone is angry with me. The interesting thing is that I only can't deal with anger when the thing I did was unintentional. I don't think people should be mad at me because of that, and when they are it seems like they are being close-minded and unreasonable. If I did something on purpose, I don't really mind if someone is angry. It's like I did what I thought was right and I will face the consequences. Anger on the receiving end for me feels like punishment (which I know is not like that for the person being angry), and sometimes I can't help but feel it is unjustified.
For me, most of the time when I'm angry it's because I feel the object of my anger has the power to hurt me or my loved ones. For me it's actually fear that is the problem, so I try to deal with the underlying fear and it help eases the anger.
"Anger at Self": This is tricky. When I feel guilt-ridden, there is no easy way to deal with it. So I can imagine that it is the same as your anger. My suggestion is to 'extract yourself from yourself' and look at yourself objectively, and kindly. Imagine you are a higher power, or a loving parent, or a well-wishing friend, then look at yourself from a more detached perspective. Have some compassion for yourself as well.
One last thing I'd like to say is still pretty vague, and I'm still trying to figure it out myself. What I've noticed is that once I've done a bit of exploring of my own emotional states, I realize that it all leads back to the emotions serving me in some way -- even negative emotions. I always derive some sort of affirmation or confirmation from all of my emotions. Sometimes I'm happy that I'm right about the world, or I'm happy that I'm right about other people, or I'm happy that I'm right about myself. I think a lot of it is just feeding into my ego of what I think I am and what I think the world should be. Sometimes I feel like I just need to 'get over myself', as someone helpful has told me before.
Sorry -- this post is becoming rather long and rambling. Hopefully it makes at least a bit of sense.