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Thread: 6s - Primary Vulnerability - Being Betrayed and Caught Off Guard

  1. #31


    Edit: I forgot to address the OP...I'll be back!

    When I confide in someone, disclose something very personal, I feel like a wounded animal in a corner, and there is some guy from animal control with a net slowly approaching. He wants to help me me, but I feel vulnerable and don't know what his motivation is and so I might growl at him or bite him, or try to escape. But a few people can convince me they mean no harm. When someone new is "bandaging me up", and they touch a tender part of my injury I might nip their hand, so to speak. But usually by the time I let you "work on me", I figure you didn't mean to do me any harm and it was an honest mistake. It takes a long time to get to that point though, and I don't know if I ever feel completely comfortable with it. If intimacy wasn't necessary I wouldn't dare risk it.

    I have two groups of concerns when someone is urging me to trust them. My reaction to less familiar people is: Are their intentions immediately harmful? Why are they so interested in me? Are they wearing a wire? My reaction with familiar people is: Sure, they love you NOW, but what if they turn? What if they abandon you when they find out how worthless you are? What if YOU drive them away with your paranoia? They'll still have the dirt on you, and won't love you enough not to use it against you

  2. #32
    Banned Array
    Join Date
    Dec 2009


    I kind of expect it.. again, this is the six hyper vigilance. To me, six growth is not about being harder, but about letting the defensiveness go. If you expect it, then you may bring it into your life, or set it in motion. A central lesson for me is that I don't see reality the way it actually is, I need to flex some Si and ground myself before I let my mind runaway with itself.

  3. #33
    i love Array skylights's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    6w7 so/sx
    EII Ne


    Quote Originally Posted by Engineer View Post
    I find it to be relatively true. Then again, I have a paranoid streak that's a mile wide.
    I think that lower-functioning (I believe that's correct ennea-speak) 6s can have issues with paranoid delusions in social situations, or at least be prone to that sort of unhealthy behavior. At least I read that on one enneagram website, and it sounded fairly similar to me.
    I know that I'm afraid to trust people. I also know that my few close friends will attest to how much of a challenge it was to get me to come around, so if this is actually typical six vulnerability, then I'm something of a posterchild for it.

    This sounds like an ENFP-flavored version of what I experience as an INTJ 6... Usually I'm quick to jump to negative conclusions and then learn later that a motive I thought was malevolent was actually quite benign. And then comes the embarrassment.

    Hopefully some of that made sense. I'm a bit loopy from my run at the moment.
    This is interesting; I'm surprised I missed it before. You're not alone... I am quick to jump to negative conclusions, too... because unfortunately it is more pressingly displeasing to not be aware of the threat than to accidentally implicate an innocent.

    It's fairly rare that I end up having to come face-to-face with the fallout of that, though... when it does happen, usually it's confined to the people who are closest to me, whether by choice (significant others, friends) or by unchosen circumstances (coworkers, family, etc.)... It's just that I have more opportunity to analyze them and can identify potential motives, whereas with strangers you don't really get so much of a glimpse into their inner workings beyond simplistic, evident neuroses.

    I find that I am almost always right about the outcome of the situation but sometimes wrong about the motives.

    In some ways it's natural for me to sympathize with NJs because I am also a lurker in the paranoid world of prediction.

    On a somewhat-related note, 6s, how do you feel about your friends and family? I ask this because I sort of feel like an asshole sometimes. I do appreciate my friends, but it's very rare for me to feel that super-close easy warmth that some people seem to share. I don't know if it's partly due to sxiness or to 6ishness, but I tend to keep friends at arm's length, even those I consider close. Nuclear family, I feel a certain amount of responsibility towards, and I think it's much less energy expenditure for me to interact with them... but even then, I am constantly analyzing.

    Sometimes I think I could use a break from all this headwork. O_o

  4. #34
    Senior Member Array King sns's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    6w7 sp/sx


    This has been a major problem for me as long as I can remember. It's always been a self fulfilling prophecy- I'm always on the lookout for breaches in trust from other people. I have a near inability to be really vulnerable to people because I just can't let go of the idea that they are going to hurt me or be out of my life. And then when some kind of a betrayal legitimately happens I blow it wayyy out of proportion. Because then it's not only the other person to blame- it's me. It means all the time and effort I have put into avoiding betrayal has failed, so it's just as much my fault as theirs. So it ends up being an even bigger issue than it would have if I just trusted them or wasn't thinking about it at all to begin with.

    It's worse with men/ romantic relationships but I also see it to some extent in normal friendships and the workplace as well. Lots of "they will just move someday" or "they are going to fire me" or "moms going to die before me and I can't trust anyone else." In the case of romantic relationships, it has been so bad that it just drives people away. I created a great "I don't care" face to represent the opposite ("I care too much") and I just push and push and push with the expectation that they are going to fail me anyway, and guess what? They do!!! I just push them to the point where they just go away as I predicted, which makes the wall thicker and so forth.

    I must say, over the last year or two I've been more open with my emotions to those close to me, with less focus on betrayal. I can't really chalk it up to anything except for age and also insight into the problem.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

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