[Type 3] Type 3s and Vulnerability

[Cloud of Thunder]

To any and all Threes here, how comfortable are you letting your guard with people? Do you tend to be selective with whom you choose to be vulnerable?

 

[EJCC]

I have a good friend who is a 3w2 sx/sp and ENFJ, and he is definitely selective in how vulnerable he comes across to people, and to which people. He's extremely quick to have intense one-on-one conversations with people (e.g. "What's your dream? What are your deepest and most important life goals?"), but he likes those conversations to be under his control. He wants to be able to choose how vulnerable he is with people, and he wants to be able to predict his conversation partner's reaction in advance, because he's very easily wounded.

 

[Cloud of Thunder]

That describes me strongly. I like having deep, intimate conversations with a select few, but even with them, I'm slow to open up. I think a little mystery goes a long way with a person.

 

[Domino]

I have a good friend who is a 3w2 sx/sp and ENFJ, and he is definitely selective in how vulnerable he comes across to people, and to which people. He's extremely quick to have intense one-on-one conversations with people (e.g. "What's your dream? What are your deepest and most important life goals?"), but he likes those conversations to be under his control. He wants to be able to choose how vulnerable he is with people, and he wants to be able to predict his conversation partner's reaction in advance, because he's very easily wounded.

Very well said.

I know an E3 ENFJ myself and that's like him. I've dated many 3s as well, and am influenced by my 3 wing (4w3) to the point of being very self-protective. I don't deflect aimed mockery or judgment very well. It goes right into me.

 

[Santosha]

Very well said.

I know an E3 ENFJ myself and that's like him. I've dated many 3s as well, and am influenced by my 3 wing (4w3) to the point of being very self-protective. I don't deflect aimed mockery or judgment very well. It goes right into me.

Totally get this. I am either 3w4 or 4w3 (thinking 4w3 now based on recent observations of myself becoming highly emotional under stress instead of pushing it down) and I definately have issues with vulnerability. Enough that I was thinking about starting up a thread, but afraid to be so open about it!

I wasn't sure if this sensitivity may have spawned from some rather traumatic childhood experiences though. My very unhealthy e6 mother often used any failing or struggle I had growing up as a means to draw attention to herself with all of our family and friends. There was rarely a time when I did something wrong or bad that did not get blown out of proportion and aired to anyone and everyone, causing immense feelings of shame and humiliation. If I had a budding 3 wing to begin with, these experiences drew that wing out full scale. I am actually interested if anyone else with a 3 wing or core had similar experiences in childhood?

But onto the question, yes I struggle with it.. and then I struggle with my struggling with it! I have to activley work hard in understanding that not everyone has an agenda, that my weaknesses will not be exploited. I will add that these fears have helped me become very perceptive with people, most the time I do not miss a fucking beat in the slightest variation of behavior, eye contact, tone, authenticity, etc. This is a blessing and a curse in that I have been able to quickly weed out people that are like-minded and trustworthy, providing a very close-net of loyal friends. I am also extremely protective and loyal when others reveal things about themselves that they obviously struggle with. Perhaps I identify with the pain all to well, but I could never, ever use these things against them without seeing myself as an epic turd.

Something about 2's for me.. really helps. I don't know if its a common 2 trait or just happens to be present in the 2's that I know, but all of my 2 friends are very emotionally open and vulnerable. And when I am around them I feel like a guard comes down, like I can reveal my gnarred up inner self and fear no rejection. Healthy e5's have helped too. I say healthy because when unhealthy I've noticed e5's subscribing to a bit of intellectual snobbery.. and that can put me on guard. But when healthy, e5's have helped me understand how my idea, opinion, performance and behavior can all be criticized or attacked, without it being a reflection of me as a person.. who i really am.

Anyhow, I am interested in what other responces you might get. Would love to hear ways that others combat this.

 

[Asterion]

Just guessing mostly but I think 3s hide under the mask a little. They work out what everyone wants them to be like, and they can seem like very open people, whereas they might not express what they truly feel, because it could bring them shame. I've been working with a great guy that's a 3, he's always into partying, always on the go, and seems to have a way with people. But I think you can tell when he's holding something back when he suddenly reenforces his image, trying to sell the idea that he is awesome.

 

[ceecee]

I think a little mystery goes a long way with a person.

Not when it's used as a manipulation tool. Especially when the questions being asked are of a deep or revealing nature. The - I expect you to open up to me (answer my questions) but you won't get the same in return and I will be offended if you have an issue with that - thing.

 

[Kierva]

I have a good friend who is a 3w2 sx/sp and ENFJ, and he is definitely selective in how vulnerable he comes across to people, and to which people. He's extremely quick to have intense one-on-one conversations with people (e.g. "What's your dream? What are your deepest and most important life goals?"), but he likes those conversations to be under his control. He wants to be able to choose how vulnerable he is with people, and he wants to be able to predict his conversation partner's reaction in advance, because he's very easily wounded.

Exactly. Most people know some things about me -- just enough to be personable, but not personal. Only a select few know really deep stuff about me, and usually with those people I have the intense conversations that you were talking about.

However, I'd rather be the one giving the answers than asking the questions because I am bad at directing or keeping the flow of conversations.

 

[Dr Mobius]

To any and all Threes here, how comfortable are you letting your guard with people? Do you tend to be selective with whom you choose to be vulnerable?

Honestly not very comfortable at all. Past experience has left me quite leery of exposing private thoughts, the risk verses the reward is slightly skewed for me unfortunately.

Totally get this. I am either 3w4 or 4w3 (thinking 4w3 now based on recent observations of myself becoming highly emotional under stress instead of pushing it down) and I definately have issues with vulnerability. Enough that I was thinking about starting up a thread, but afraid to be so open about it!

I wasn't sure if this sensitivity may have spawned from some rather traumatic childhood experiences though. My very unhealthy e6 mother often used any failing or struggle I had growing up as a means to draw attention to herself with all of our family and friends. There was rarely a time when I did something wrong or bad that did not get blown out of proportion and aired to anyone and everyone, causing immense feelings of shame and humiliation. If I had a budding 3 wing to begin with, these experiences drew that wing out full scale. I am actually interested if anyone else with a 3 wing or core had similar experiences in childhood?

Yes and no did I have a similar horrible experience with one of my parents? No my disproportional shame and humiliation phase started in high school, I was put in a classroom where I was the wrong, well everything. I ended up creating a wall, if there is nothing they can attack then you are safe from them. Did you do something similar?

Not when it's used as a manipulation tool. Especially when the questions being asked are of a deep or revealing nature. The - I expect you to open up to me (answer my questions) but you won't get the same in return and I will be offended if you have an issue with that - thing.

Makes perfect sense, probably why I have intellectual conversations of breadth and depth, but never try to have emotional ones. I don’t think I would be very comfortable with quid pro quo

 

[garbage]

Ain't so bad (with caveats below), so long as I've established trust with the other person. I'm pretty keen on my own motivations, gut feelings, and emotions--and I'll flat-out tell those closest to me exactly what my motivations are. If they're unhealthy, then the very act of working toward verbalizing them keeps me 'in check.'

I'll be the first to show my cards in order to establish trust when it's applicable--usually when I want to get to know someone or when it's going to help either or both of us. In overly task-oriented work settings, for example, it's just plain not applicable--one doesn't just burst out "Well, I have a long running history of bipolar disorder" during a work meeting, but it may very well be appropriate when one's got a coworker or employee who's going through some screwed up mental diagnoses themselves.

I figure that 'stuff' has to be put out there so that it's not stigmatized, because we're better off for it. People go through some weird turmoil, and assume that nobody else has ever gone through such weird turmoil, and become distraught because they don't think that there's hope.

I'm always more comfortable sharing one-on-one, unless I'm in a personal development or group therapy-esque session where it's clear that everyone has the whole 'break down the barriers' goal in mind. Moreover, there's sometimes a portion of myself that I hold back, though, either because I'm ashamed or because I haven't thought it through and don't want to present 'half-baked conclusions' about my own emotional state.

 

[Fourplay]

I don't feel the need to be vulnerable to anyone.

I feel I am genuine to all that I meet and if someone wants to know about me they can freely ask and I'll answer. It actually warms my heart that another would want to know about me as I do them, because sharing is an experience of humanity that I cherish.

 

[Elfboy]

I have a 3w4 fix (which, according to other people at least, is pretty strong) and I have trouble opening up my feelings to people who could hurt/reject me. my inner world is very sensitive, raw and, for lack of better word, "pure" and if that gets out and the world rejects it....ouch.

if someone does manage to slip past the icy bitch shield that is my emotional armor and/or embarrasses me, I'll usually freeze up and put on a cold, sarcastic smile. sorta like this....

 

[Cloud of Thunder]

I have a 3w4 fix (which, according to other people at least, is pretty strong) and I have trouble opening up my feelings to people who could hurt/reject me. my inner world is very sensitive, raw and, for lack of better word, "pure" and if that gets out and the world rejects it....ouch.

if someone does manage to slip past the icy bitch shield that is my emotional armor and/or embarrasses me, I'll usually freeze up and put on a cold, sarcastic smile. sorta like this....

LOL I love Cersei Lannister, twisted bitch that she is...

 

[Elfboy]

LOL I love Cersei Lannister, twisted bitch that she is...

I do too, though honestly I don't think she's quite as twisted as everyone things she is. it's the game of thrones after all, you can't act like an NF 9w1 and expect to come out on top different people have different coping mechanisms for different circumstances, and Cersei's was to focus on herself and her family and not allow herself to be concerned with those outside.
PS: in the HBO series at least, she is, to use your words, a flaming 3w4

 

[Cloud of Thunder]

I do too, though honestly I don't think she's quite as twisted as everyone things she is. it's the game of thrones after all, you can't act like an NF 9w1 and expect to come out on top different people have different coping mechanisms for different circumstances, and Cersei's was to focus on herself and her family and not allow herself to be concerned with those outside.
PS: in the HBO series at least, she is, to use your words, a flaming 3w4

I think sleeping with your brother to ensure your bloodline counts as pretty twisted.

 

[Elfboy]

I think sleeping with your brother to ensure your bloodline counts as pretty twisted.

I was under the impression they genuinely loved each other. given this and the fact that Robert was still hung up on his wife who died 20+ years ago and wasn't giving her passionate sex, I thought this course of action was perfectly reasonable

 

[Cloud of Thunder]

Okay...