I think it's odd you say that you're basically a girl. The qualities male 4s possess are not divorced from conceptions of masculinity; they merely manifest in ways different from the prevailing norm. Your upset at being a typical guy derives from your desire to be unique. You aren't unique though, and when you realise that, it bothers you. This may explain your valourisation of "femininity", since it would further divorce you from masculinty which, in your construction, is something to be repelled since it is "ordinary".