[Type 4] Enneagram 4 and Relationships

[GAEL]

Hello, and my compliments

Hello.

I have read several of your responses on this site, and I find them very thoughtful and subtle. If that is your face, what an exquisite Pierrot you are!I am an enfp female, and am quite fascinated by the infp personality. There is a great deal of chemistry between me and a male infp, and I am wishing to initiate a relationship with him. (Cue the enfp galloping Irish Wolfhound, with its huge, straining heart and its undeniable fixations). I have, however, developed a certain degree of insight and sensitivity over the last few decades. Let me put it this way: I would rather eat my children than cause offense, or distress to this deep, brilliant, compassionate and supernaturally sensitive man. It's almost like a light breeze could trip his wires and send him thousands of miles away from me, never to return. One thing I know is this: he will never ever approach me with his feelings (and I don't know what they really are). I will be the one. How can I tell a person like this that I love him? Of course, I could say just that-I'm an enfp. In your opinion, would that be the right thing to do? Best to you-glad you are on the forum.

 

[GAEL]

Hello, and my compliments

Hello.

I have read several of your responses on this site, and I find them very thoughtful and subtle. If that is your face, what an exquisite Pierrot you are!I am an enfp female, and am quite fascinated by the infp personality. There is a great deal of chemistry between me and a male infp, and I am wishing to initiate a relationship with him. (Cue the enfp galloping Irish Wolfhound, with its huge, straining heart and its undeniable fixations). I have, however, developed a certain degree of insight and sensitivity over the last few decades. Let me put it this way: I would rather eat my children than cause offense, or distress to this deep, brilliant, compassionate and supernaturally sensitive man. It's almost like a light breeze could trip his wires and send him thousands of miles away from me, never to return. One thing I know is this: he will never ever approach me with his feelings (and I don't know what they really are). I will be the one. How can I tell a person like this that I love him? Of course, I could say just that-I'm an enfp. In your opinion, would that be the right thing to do? Best to you-glad you are on the forum.

RELEVANCE TO THE THREAD: i AM ENNEAGRAM 7, AND HE IS 4.

 

[ARET45]

Type 4s can be very critical in relationships. They are relationship oriented, yet they are often dissatisfied with the nature of their actual relationship. They live in fantasy. As part of the frustration triad, type 4 has high standards in relationships which are sometimes impossible.

 

[hjgbujhghg]

Enneagram 4 integrates to 1 when healthy, that's why I think it could be beneficial for an e4 to find a loving e 1 partner who would help them reach their personal growth. Enneagram type 1 partner would also be good as a grounding force for 4's emotionality and fantasies and help them find stability and emotional security. Of course I am talking here about very healthy enneagram type 1.

4s and 5s generally get along very well and the relationship can be comfortable for both, but considering the fact both types are naturally introverted and detached from their environment, it might lead to mutual isolation and egocentrism on both sides.

4s and 6s get along well and the relation can actually be beneficial for both if the two types are on healthier levels, if both are unhealthy it would basically be a pit of self destruction.

4 and 9 would actually be a really great combination. Both can be sensitive and creative , but 9 could bring the grounding and calming essence that 4s really need while offering patience and sympathy with 4's mood swings. I actually see this as the second best combination after type 1.

 

[overwhelmed]

I'm an ISFP 4w5 SX and I was married an INFP 4w5 SX for a short while. Of course in hindsight, it's expected that we had a lot in common. We were both very intense and we both craved intimacy and a connection with each other but hers was abstract and liberal, mine obsession was purely physical. She wanted our minds unify by melting together and I wanted our bodies to melt together. (She was super cute.)

After we met, within 10 seconds we were infuated and obsessed with each other and it stayed for a year and a half. However, we both slowly realized that while we had a mutual respect for the others intensity, feelings and passion, we also became aware that we were fundamentally opposed IN WHAT we were intense ABOUT. Another thing is that I felt like bored her. She never really said anything but I always felt like I didn't measure up to her standards. I think I was nothing more than a trigger/physical embodiement for an idealized image that she'd already crafted in her imagination and superimposed on me.

Me, on the other hand, I was pretty much satisifed. I just secretly prayed she wouldn't gain weight or become unattractive. I ate her buggars, licked her butthole, gave her baths, massaged her feet, trimmed her pubic hair, watched her pee, and made love to her 3 or 4 times a day. If there was a way I could've shrunk myself and lived inside her body, I would've done it. Physically, she was my fantasy girl and I was an unashamed pevert.

As you can probably guess, her idealized image wore off and she started to see the real me -which I don't think was bad - but just not what she expected. So unfortunately, the rest of our marriage consisted of us being frustrated because we were reaching past each other, not really connecting. I didn't trust her. I employed a lot of the typical 4's defenses (i.e.. the push/pull behaviors) to keep her firmly at a distance. If I not been distrustful, I could've opened up a little bit but knowing her, it probably wouldn't have been enough to keep her satisfied for long.

If we both had knowledge of our Enneatypes, MBTI types as well as being aware and understanding of our key differences, I think we'd still be married and happy. So yes, I think two 4's can enter and sustain a successful relationship provided they know themselves very well, know enough about the other person to give and appreciate each other's space and still have mutual respect.

All my girlfriends since her have just been a let down frankly. I want to be in a relationship with another 4. Productive and ambitious women are usually the most simple-minded and judgmental ones. It's a balanced trade-off but not one I think I can make.