[Type 9] 9w1s -- please help me understand you!

[21%]

I've been observing my bf to see if he tends to flee from unpleasant feelings or tries to embrace them. It seems that it's more of the former, and he occasionally jumps into panic-induced doses of television, music and games. I'm very certain now that he's a 9

Another thing that could be 9-like that I just noticed is his separation anxiety. He's always been 'alone' in a way, and always thought he was the solitary type, but now that he has moved away from home and is under massive stress, he just needs to be connected to someone. He keeps saying how much he hates to be alone and tells me never to leave. He's probably not in his healthiest stage right now, but I hate to see him so stressed out. How can I help to make him feel safe and loved? (Whenever he's stressed out, he seems to think I'm always on the verge of abandoning him >_<)

9s will often find that they relate to all types... including 8 at times, particular if they know how to handle their habits. The only two types of nines I can think of are the 9s that have withdrawn from the world in order to fully realize who they are and live in their heads in peace and the 9s that rely on other people, merge with them (maybe cling a little), idolize them and try to be what everyone wants them to be. Sort of like, internal peace vs external peace. They are not exclusively separate types, I'd just consider them different manifestations of the nines core traits.

This is very interesting. I was just wondering if 9s would be truly happy with 'being what everyone wants them to be'? All these times whenever he asked for my advice I would always say "find yourself, find out what you really want", because that's what I, as a 4, feel is very important. I need to be authentic and be me. But perhaps 9s won't feel that this is helpful?

Also, 9 INFPs seem to have lack of boundaries issues, and I'm trying hard not to step on his, because I know he will probably let me. I don't want him to become what I want him to be. I want him to find himself, and to have the courage to be himself and find his place in the world -- that way he can be totally at peace, both with himself and with the outside world. Any advice on how to achieve this?

 

[ICUP]

She is a 9w1. The book I have describes them as having a puritanical streak, and I think that's what I am seeing. It also explains that 9w1's feel morally superior to different classes, cultures, and lifestyles. They have a prim and proper, perfectionistic quality to their personal style. She's an ISTJ, so she has that J thang going on that most 9's don't have. I was just curious about the prude thang, of whether it was common for 9w1's to refrain from drinking, smoking, sex, etc., and to be "shocked" when she finds out how others engage in these behaviors lol.... She won't tell others what she thinks about them, she just tells me lol. She is basically very "let it be" in her life, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have strong opinions about the way she sees it. She is a moral nazi, but in private lol...... I, however, know exactly where she stands, but she wouldn't push the issue at all. She's very 9 in that way. Her main goal is to be at peace. She's not motivated or perfectionistic enough to be a 1.... she just doesn't have that. She has always felt rigid to me, but I think it's because she was uptight concerning many issues. I can definitely sense the 1 wing, and the J.....

I think this is her.... I don't think she has ever really made it to balanced or healthy states.....all she does is garden, eat too much, sleep 'til noon, and go out with a couple of friends a few times a week lol... she was on anti-depressants for several years, and she uses sleeping pills to go to sleep.

"Unbalanced-Unhealthy States
Under stress, nineish withdrawal increases, accompanied by oneish judgment of self and others. 9/1 retreats into a fantasy world inhabited by comfortably fuzzy generalities and stereotyped images of other people. These are the people 9/1 wishes could inhabit the real world -- wishful, perfect images of real people. Unfortunately, because 9/1 is convinced of the reality of these internally generated images, real-life interactions suffer when people do not live up to their idealized images. But the 9/1 tries very hard not to notice.

In the extreme, it becomes nearly impossible not to see the discrepancies between the perfect inner images and the outward reality. Total isolation becomes the only way to avoid seeing that the world is populated by disturbingly imperfect, unpredictable, demanding, untrustworthy beings."

 

[brainheart]

Question: Can 9w1's be seen generally as "prudes"? My mother has tried smoking once and drinking once in her whole life. She makes the biggest deal over people having premarital sex. She has never tried anything but missionary position, and she makes the biggest deal over oral sex too. She is honestly the biggest prude I have ever seen. Is this common? She is like a moral nazi, but she will make all kinds of excuses for bad behaviors if she loves someone. If she doesn't love them, she judges them with a sharp stick. She, however, never judges herself with the same stick lol..... there is always some excuse.

How on earth do you know all of this about your mother?

I can be prudish about certain things, but incredibly open at the same time. More open than prudish.

 

[ICUP]

How on earth do you know all of this about your mother?

I can be prudish about certain things, but incredibly open at the same time. More open than prudish.

We are very close. We share alot of information about one another.
I am 40, she knows I drink and that I have smoked, and done drugs, and had a lot of sex, so there would be no reason at this point to lie about it lol.... it's just a general attitude she has. All of these things are serious issues to her lol, whereas other people's mothers just accept it and do it. She's prudish.... she probably thinks she's more open than she is, but she doesn't see it from an istp perspective.

 

[Asterion]

I've been observing my bf to see if he tends to flee from unpleasant feelings or tries to embrace them. It seems that it's more of the former, and he occasionally jumps into panic-induced doses of television, music and games. I'm very certain now that he's a 9

Another thing that could be 9-like that I just noticed is his separation anxiety. He's always been 'alone' in a way, and always thought he was the solitary type, but now that he has moved away from home and is under massive stress, he just needs to be connected to someone. He keeps saying how much he hates to be alone and tells me never to leave. He's probably not in his healthiest stage right now, but I hate to see him so stressed out. How can I help to make him feel safe and loved? (Whenever he's stressed out, he seems to think I'm always on the verge of abandoning him >_<)


This is very interesting. I was just wondering if 9s would be truly happy with 'being what everyone wants them to be'? All these times whenever he asked for my advice I would always say "find yourself, find out what you really want", because that's what I, as a 4, feel is very important. I need to be authentic and be me. But perhaps 9s won't feel that this is helpful?

Also, 9 INFPs seem to have lack of boundaries issues, and I'm trying hard not to step on his, because I know he will probably let me. I don't want him to become what I want him to be. I want him to find himself, and to have the courage to be himself and find his place in the world -- that way he can be totally at peace, both with himself and with the outside world. Any advice on how to achieve this?

Oh dear , I can relate to this so much. What 9s need to do is exactly what you said, work out what they feel and need and fulfill it, rather than become what everyone else wants them to be. It's that integration to 3, they need to realize that they are special and their actions will make a difference to the world, to have confidence and ambition. They need to show their true selves to the world. You could always do what my dad has done to me, step all over those boundaries until he cracks and realizes he needs to do something about it.

She is a 9w1. The book I have describes them as having a puritanical streak, and I think that's what I am seeing. It also explains that 9w1's feel morally superior to different classes, cultures, and lifestyles. They have a prim and proper, perfectionistic quality to their personal style. She's an ISTJ, so she has that J thang going on that most 9's don't have. I was just curious about the prude thang, of whether it was common for 9w1's to refrain from drinking, smoking, sex, etc., and to be "shocked" when she finds out how others engage in these behaviors lol.... She won't tell others what she thinks about them, she just tells me lol. She is basically very "let it be" in her life, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have strong opinions about the way she sees it. She is a moral nazi, but in private lol...... I, however, know exactly where she stands, but she wouldn't push the issue at all. She's very 9 in that way. Her main goal is to be at peace. She's not motivated or perfectionistic enough to be a 1.... she just doesn't have that. She has always felt rigid to me, but I think it's because she was uptight concerning many issues. I can definitely sense the 1 wing, and the J.....

I think this is her.... I don't think she has ever really made it to balanced or healthy states.....all she does is garden, eat too much, sleep 'til noon, and go out with a couple of friends a few times a week lol... she was on anti-depressants for several years, and she uses sleeping pills to go to sleep.

"Unbalanced-Unhealthy States
Under stress, nineish withdrawal increases, accompanied by oneish judgment of self and others. 9/1 retreats into a fantasy world inhabited by comfortably fuzzy generalities and stereotyped images of other people. These are the people 9/1 wishes could inhabit the real world -- wishful, perfect images of real people. Unfortunately, because 9/1 is convinced of the reality of these internally generated images, real-life interactions suffer when people do not live up to their idealized images. But the 9/1 tries very hard not to notice.

In the extreme, it becomes nearly impossible not to see the discrepancies between the perfect inner images and the outward reality. Total isolation becomes the only way to avoid seeing that the world is populated by disturbingly imperfect, unpredictable, demanding, untrustworthy beings."

When you said moral-Nazi, I assumed that she asserted her word against others. You're right, she's probably a 9, kind of interesting, I could never see myself as an enforcer of morals... hmm, i think... I do get angry when people show no decency or honor, but so does everyone else.

 

[ICUP]

When you said moral-Nazi, I assumed that she asserted her word against others. You're right, she's probably a 9, kind of interesting, I could never see myself as an enforcer of morals... hmm, i think... I do get angry when people show no decency or honor, but so does everyone else.

This was my fault.... I was more or less ranting at the time, and it wasn't a good description. Interesting, I think it could just be her own personal expression within the type. I haven't necessarily noticed it in other 9's.

 

[brainheart]

All these times whenever he asked for my advice I would always say "find yourself, find out what you really want", because that's what I, as a 4, feel is very important. I need to be authentic and be me. But perhaps 9s won't feel that this is helpful?

Also, 9 INFPs seem to have lack of boundaries issues, and I'm trying hard not to step on his, because I know he will probably let me. I don't want him to become what I want him to be. I want him to find himself, and to have the courage to be himself and find his place in the world -- that way he can be totally at peace, both with himself and with the outside world. Any advice on how to achieve this?

Yes, this is a big issue. One thing, fours aren't the only ones out there who desire to be authentic and true to themselves. This is very important to me as well. Problem is, its easy for me to forget what exactly that means. As I said before, other people's needs can often seem louder and more urgent than my own. So what matters for me gets put on hold. There is my idealized world I hold on to. Within this world which will happen 'some time', you know when every one else is taken care of and grown up, and my parents are no longer around, etc.... I will be the ' real' me. As I get older, I realize that this isn't the way to live, that I have screwed myself many times over. I already had one nervous breakdown when I had this realization. I'm trying to fix it, assert myself more, remember that my needs and talents matter. This is not easy.

 

[Resonance]

I've been told that 3s, 6s, and 9s each have their own way of gaining a sense of self through others, and I'd definitely agree that I do. Staying 'true to myself' isn't really as important as staying true to what I want for everyone in the world. That's probably why I keep coming back to these personality typologies - I need to remind myself that I'm an individual with particular strengths and weaknesses, not just a fleshy bundle of ideals and mental models.

 

[brainheart]

9 and 1 are quite similar types. And 9s will often find that they relate to all types... including 8 at times, particular if they know how to handle their habits. The only two types of nines I can think of are the 9s that have withdrawn from the world in order to fully realize who they are and live in their heads in peace and the 9s that rely on other people, merge with them (maybe cling a little), idolize them and try to be what everyone wants them to be. Sort of like, internal peace vs external peace. They are not exclusively separate types, I'd just consider them different manifestations of the nines core traits.

I'd agree, although, I'd say its probably more likely that most nines are a combination of the two, as far as internal and external peace go.

 

[Rail Tracer]

This is very interesting. I was just wondering if 9s would be truly happy with 'being what everyone wants them to be'? All these times whenever he asked for my advice I would always say "find yourself, find out what you really want", because that's what I, as a 4, feel is very important. I need to be authentic and be me. But perhaps 9s won't feel that this is helpful?

It is pretty much like brainheart said. I have pretty much felt like I screwed myself over by trying to be "what everyone wants me to be." Yes, I would like to be myself, the issue is, I'm not always as aware of myself as I am aware of other people because of it. I would like to be authentic, but trying to "find myself" is like trying to find the needle in a giant haystack... it is going to take a while with all the nuances of everyday life.

I actually think you telling your boyfriend to find himself is a nice gesture to him. It is a bit unnerving to not "know myself," but it is nice to know you are trying to put more focus on him and supporting him to do so.

 

[ICUP]

It is pretty much like brainheart said. I have pretty much felt like I screwed myself over by trying to be "what everyone wants me to be." Yes, I would like to be myself, the issue is, I'm not always as aware of myself as I am aware of other people because of it. I would like to be authentic, but trying to "find myself" is like trying to find the needle in a giant haystack... it is going to take a while with all the nuances of everyday life.

I actually think you telling your boyfriend to find himself is a nice gesture to him. It is a bit unnerving to not "know myself," but it is nice to know you are trying to put more focus on him and supporting him to do so.

At least I can say, my mom knows herself hehe. I think she defines herself through her values, and that is nice to know for her. She knows a lot of what she likes and doesn't like.... but she does have problems setting boundaries.

Oh, yea, and 9w1's seem to get their panties in a wad easily, especially when someone points out the truth My mom is adorable, and funny.

 

[21%]

Oh dear , I can relate to this so much. What 9s need to do is exactly what you said, work out what they feel and need and fulfill it, rather than become what everyone else wants them to be. It's that integration to 3, they need to realize that they are special and their actions will make a difference to the world, to have confidence and ambition. They need to show their true selves to the world. You could always do what my dad has done to me, step all over those boundaries until he cracks and realizes he needs to do something about it.

Wow, that's doing it the hard way isn't it >_<
I don't think INFPs will take that approach very well

Yes, this is a big issue. One thing, fours aren't the only ones out there who desire to be authentic and true to themselves. This is very important to me as well. Problem is, its easy for me to forget what exactly that means. As I said before, other people's needs can often seem louder and more urgent than my own. So what matters for me gets put on hold. There is my idealized world I hold on to. Within this world which will happen 'some time', you know when every one else is taken care of and grown up, and my parents are no longer around, etc.... I will be the ' real' me. As I get older, I realize that this isn't the way to live, that I have screwed myself many times over. I already had one nervous breakdown when I had this realization. I'm trying to fix it, assert myself more, remember that my needs and talents matter. This is not easy.

It is pretty much like brainheart said. I have pretty much felt like I screwed myself over by trying to be "what everyone wants me to be." Yes, I would like to be myself, the issue is, I'm not always as aware of myself as I am aware of other people because of it. I would like to be authentic, but trying to "find myself" is like trying to find the needle in a giant haystack... it is going to take a while with all the nuances of everyday life.

I actually think you telling your boyfriend to find himself is a nice gesture to him. It is a bit unnerving to not "know myself," but it is nice to know you are trying to put more focus on him and supporting him to do so.

Thanks both of you Okay, so I'll keep doing what I'm doing.

Sometimes when he says something, I can't help but think "Wait. That's what I want." Then I have to ask him repeatedly if he really wants it -- and sometimes even suggest other options for him to consider and choose from, because I feel guilty for 'imposing' myself on him. Not sure if that's the right approach.

 

[Rail Tracer]

At least I can say, my mom knows herself hehe. I think she defines herself through her values, and that is nice to know for her. She knows a lot of what she likes and doesn't like.... but she does have problems setting boundaries.

Oh, yea, and 9w1's seem to get their panties in a wad easily, especially when someone points out the truth My mom is adorable, and funny.

Well I "know myself." What I mean is that my family, my friends, and my relatives are all a "part of myself." So I now that part. Things like their values, likes, or dislikes might be the same or similar to mines (which could actually just be theirs.)

But to know myself, now that is a slightly different story.

 

[ICUP]

Well I "know myself." What I mean is that my family, my friends, and my relatives are all a "part of myself." So I now that part. Things like their values, likes, or dislikes might be the same or similar to mines (which could actually just be theirs.)

But to know myself, now that is a slightly different story.