I wouldn't call it a histrionic drama queen act. Seems kind of anti-society, though. Thank you for the in depth reply.Alright ... you asked for it
I find that I doubted a long time between 9 and 4 and even got repeatedly asked why I went for 4, especially on the forums (which triggered my 9 to keep the peace). But I relate to the 4 feeling of shame. That dramatic feeling of 'nobody understands me
Also, 9's tend to avoid intense dark feelings while 4's wallow in it. Trust me, I've done my share of spelonking and can even enjoy the intense emotion of jealousy, paranoia or fear, when my mood is right. It's beautiful in its own right. From what I understand, 9's prefer not feeling to feeling dark feelings. Not me. If I feel nothing, I feel dead. Actually, I believe it to be a faith worse than death. Yeah, I know, drama-queen ftw.
I don't like conflict between people, but I do enjoy investigating contradicting feelings within myself, and fleshing out how it works. I enjoy pushing buttons and tinkering with dialing up feelings and turning them down. I enjoy indulging in fantasies (all the things 4's should avoid ) that allow me to intensify that feel. Less so these days, but I am addicted to intensely feeling. On top of that, I have a finicky taste in creativity, arts and esthetics. It has to feel *just* right, and don't ask me to explain it, it's something I cannot put into words.
What drives me is finding out who I am and how that differs from what I consider to be 'ideal' and finetuning myself to become that person, or adjusting the ideal image along the way as I gather more information.
My hobbies include dancing, singing, crafting jewelry, psychology, animal behaviorism, learning new things by reading books on *everything* (my w5), so really *anything* that either explains people's/animals drives so I can better understand myself and others or anything that allows me to express myself, and to make an impact upon the world with that. To inspire others along the way on my quest to find myself. I realize how flowery I'm sounding atm, and I hate it, but I find it hard to bring it into words. I strive to find a balance and a zen without losing that intensity I love so. I find myself enjoying pushing my limits on how much negative emotion i can take, to want to endure and conquer each emotion in the book in all its intensity. And i can tell you that even positive ones at their highest intensity are a bitch to take..but also utter bliss (infatuation anyone?).
I love people, but I find it easier to be by myself as it requires conscious effort to monitor myself and not overload them, or have them overload/trigger me. It's easier to do my own thign when nobody is around, though I do enjoy having company. So I shift between those two needs. Some people are able to take me fully as I am. Those, I treasure immensely. Most of the time though, I try and behave or isolate myself when I find myself too moody to deal with people. I also find that when I stress, I seek out (as an unhealthy 2 would, which 4 turns into when stressed) others to get reaffirmed and exchange affection with. Of course, I'm aware that this isn't exactly desirable behavior, so I try and curb it as much as I can. I also find that when I'm alone and not have to worry about impacting others, and can focus on being creative or the project I'm interested it in, I see that 1-streak coming through, which is a very satisfying feeling.
/histrionic drama queen act.
This is interesting. What is your instinctual variant, and why not 4w3? I see a lot of INFJ weaved in here.The descriptions fit.
At random: I feel turned inside out sometimes, like there's normal and then there's me, the opposite. I don't care about money, only care about things in so much as they might entertain me, I don't care for the most part if anybody likes me or they don't or what they think about my hair, I am happy alone indefinitely, I almost never speak unless spoken to (at which point I'm warm and friendly but secretely mostly hoping it will be over soon), I think about everything all the time, I do what I feel because I honor my heart. If I have a hobby, it's learning more about people, but at a deep level, like, where do their ultimate motivations come from, what causes them, why are we here ... I like to ponder the inpenetrable mysteries. I like Kurt Kobain and Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton (are you seeing a pattern here?) I don't try to be weird - I aim to be genuine - it's often interpreted as weird, I've always been gifted or special or something other than ordinary in some way. I live in my head. I want life to be beautiful but not in the Disney way -- I mean that I would like to have enough detachment to be able to appreciate every single part of it, the "good" and the "bad." My goals are all internal. I don't like to go out. I'm good to talk to if you have a problem or if you feel misunderstood, but once the problem is solved, I go back inside. If I let you in, it's a big deal. I don't answer the phone. I don't do things for the result they create or for a reward, so it's hard to motivate me. I need a small niche where I can belong and do my thing undisturbed. I'm not flashy. I'm always looking for the underpinnings and the hidden.
That seems like a common 4 mentality to me. Seems like the end goal is a bit different from what society thinks and "end goal" should look like. Being true to yourself is an end goal in itself.i'm very much in my own head, i don't feel like a lot of people get me. i can be very laid back and detached from life, but will get very intense and obsessive about certain things, especially my relationships. when i'm upset about something i think about it constantly and analyze every aspect of it to death. i don't think i try very hard to be different, but i always have been, and i tend to rebel against things that people i dislike and don't relate to like. i've gotten increasingly more quiet over the years, because i'm either afraid of being misunderstood or i just don't think it's that relevant or important for people to know. i don't feel the need to push my values and beliefs on others, and i resent it when people do the same to me. i don't worry about my physical safety a lot, i can be reckless and fearless but then get very anxious about stupid little things like a phone call or seeing someone i don't want to. i hate looking like i don't know what i'm talking about, if i see something i know i always try to look it up myself and i get annoyed with people who are content being ignorant or ask a lot of stupid questions they could easily answer themselves. i think i'm pretty good at figuring people out, seeing through the bullshit, knowing their strengths and weaknesses. this makes me kinda scary when people get on my bad side, because i don't have a bad temper at all but i can usually find the best way to push someone's buttons or upset them (this doesn't happen a lot.) i value my independence a lot, and i definitely like my alone time, but i like having people i can relate to. i don't hurt people often or put a lot of demands on people, but i will admit to being pretty selfish and i think about my own needs before others, because i figure if i don't look out for myself who will? i'm really lazy and pretty content spending my whole day doing nothing but hanging out, reading, watching tv or movies, listening to music. i have no desire to be someone big or important, i just want to be happy and comfortable and have a few people around that care about me and vice versa.