Alright ... you asked for it
I find that I doubted a long time between 9 and 4 and even got repeatedly asked why I went for 4, especially on the forums (which triggered my 9 to keep the peace). But I relate to the 4 feeling of shame. That dramatic feeling of 'nobody understands me
Also, 9's tend to avoid intense dark feelings while 4's wallow in it. Trust me, I've done my share of spelonking and can even enjoy the intense emotion of jealousy, paranoia or fear, when my mood is right. It's beautiful in its own right. From what I understand, 9's prefer not feeling to feeling dark feelings. Not me. If I feel nothing, I feel dead. Actually, I believe it to be a faith worse than death. Yeah, I know, drama-queen ftw.
I don't like conflict between people, but I do enjoy investigating contradicting feelings within myself, and fleshing out how it works. I enjoy pushing buttons and tinkering with dialing up feelings and turning them down. I enjoy indulging in fantasies (all the things 4's should avoid
![Doh! :doh: :doh:](/data/vbsmilies/doh.gif)
) that allow me to intensify that feel. Less so these days, but I am addicted to intensely feeling. On top of that, I have a finicky taste in creativity, arts and esthetics. It has to feel *just* right, and don't ask me to explain it, it's something I cannot put into words.
What drives me is finding out who I am and how that differs from what I consider to be 'ideal' and finetuning myself to become that person, or adjusting the ideal image along the way as I gather more information.
My hobbies include dancing, singing, crafting jewelry, psychology, animal behaviorism, learning new things by reading books on *everything* (my w5), so really *anything* that either explains people's/animals drives so I can better understand myself and others or anything that allows me to express myself, and to make an impact upon the world with that. To inspire others along the way on my quest to find myself. I realize how flowery I'm sounding atm, and I hate it, but I find it hard to bring it into words. I strive to find a balance and a zen without losing that intensity I love so. I find myself enjoying pushing my limits on how much negative emotion i can take, to want to endure and conquer each emotion in the book in all its intensity. And i can tell you that even positive ones at their highest intensity are a bitch to take..but also utter bliss (infatuation anyone?).
I love people, but I find it easier to be by myself as it requires conscious effort to monitor myself and not overload them, or have them overload/trigger me. It's easier to do my own thign when nobody is around, though I do enjoy having company. So I shift between those two needs. Some people are able to take me fully as I am. Those, I treasure immensely. Most of the time though, I try and behave or isolate myself when I find myself too moody to deal with people. I also find that when I stress, I seek out (as an unhealthy 2 would, which 4 turns into when stressed) others to get reaffirmed and exchange affection with. Of course, I'm aware that this isn't exactly desirable behavior, so I try and curb it as much as I can. I also find that when I'm alone and not have to worry about impacting others, and can focus on being creative or the project I'm interested it in, I see that 1-streak coming through, which is a very satisfying feeling.
/histrionic drama queen act.