[Type 1] A serious question for Ones: Do you relate to...?

[EJCC]

Inspired by the thread started a while ago about the stock Enneagram test question about "relating to broken and discarded things" (re type 4).

So my equivalent question for my fellow Ones is: Do you ever, in your darker moments of resentment and anger, feel like there's a metaphorical caged beast within you, insane with anger and just waiting to be let out - but that you keep locked inside because it seems too powerful and potentially hurtful to everyone around you? I feel this way on occasion, though I haven't really talked to anyone about it.

Posting this is kind of a shot in the dark, but it would make sense if other people felt the same way; after all, it seems very One-ish, and like a manifestation of an extreme need for self-control. It also relates, I think, to gaining type 4 traits under stress - especially since, as I was typing the question, I seriously felt that I couldn't possibly express the depth of feeling I associate with the concept, and I got concerned that people would take the question too lightly.

I wonder if it also relates at all to MBTI, also, since Te doms have a reputation for being aggressive.

So... thoughts?

 

[jbking]

Huh, let me think about this for a moment.

I relate to broken and discarded things as I see my imperfections and flaws that I want to try to fix and repair. How well this goes is another story of course.

In my darker moments I have had the sense of keeping a lid on an inner beast. The beast is usually locked more out of fear of what it could do to myself and others as there is a chance for this to be rather self-destructive which may well not be pretty. Those darker moments tend to be where I have a bit of a mad scientist that wants to do various experiments that may not always be a wise idea to try. Another way to see this would be to imagine that within myself is an energy generator that every so often has to blow off some steam so that I'm not completely burning out.

I have had a great need for control but this is more about keeping a part of myself secured and locked away. While when I was younger this may have been done to prevent future hurt, this can have other purposes too.

In MBTI, I have tended to be an INTJ which would give me a Te dominance in some ways. I'm not sure how I'd see Te leading to aggression though so maybe I'm missing something. While there is something to be said for tapping into the power of anger, I could see either feelers or thinkers being able to tap this in a way.

As a side note, I do have a therapist and have had issues in the past with various destructive thoughts previously so in a way this does strike a chord for me.

 

[Random Ness]

I definitely relate...for me, I want to be nice and tactful, so I don't let people see the rage monster. I think that's a difference between Fe and Te, too.

 

[EJCC]

In my darker moments I have had the sense of keeping a lid on an inner beast. The beast is usually locked more out of fear of what it could do to myself and others as there is a chance for this to be rather self-destructive which may well not be pretty. Those darker moments tend to be where I have a bit of a mad scientist that wants to do various experiments that may not always be a wise idea to try. Another way to see this would be to imagine that within myself is an energy generator that every so often has to blow off some steam so that I'm not completely burning out.

Unless it's too personal, I'd be interested in hearing more details as to what you mean by "experiments". Because that's so different from my dark moments; my dark moments involve three conflicting sides of my brain:
Angry side: *insert crazy violence and batsh*t crazy yelling here*
Creepily cold and unfeeling side: Hm. If I weren't securely in control, bad things would happen. Perhaps *insert creepy overimaginative hypothetical situations spoken mentally in a very logical way here*
Morose side: *silence* ...

I have had a great need for control but this is more about keeping a part of myself secured and locked away.

Absolutely. Even when I'm not in a dark mood, I feel exactly like that. I've actually been having a semi-recurring dream for the past few months where I wake up (i.e. from a dream within a dream) completely convinced that I had sleepwalked to my laptop and posted bizarre/unbalanced/creepy Facebook messages, and that people had already started responding to them. Speaking as someone who tends to define herself in relation to other people, if I were to suddenly be, in relative terms, "crazy" or "out of control"... *shudder*

In MBTI, I have tended to be an INTJ which would give me a Te dominance in some ways. I'm not sure how I'd see Te leading to aggression though so maybe I'm missing something. While there is something to be said for tapping into the power of anger, I could see either feelers or thinkers being able to tap this in a way.

It was more of a stereotype, really. It seems like Te-dom type descriptions (i.e. of ESTJs and ENTJs) are written under the assumption that their decisions are in part due to a testosterone-fueled need for power. But you're right that both thinkers and feelers can have anger issues.

As a side note, I do have a therapist and have had issues in the past with various destructive thoughts previously so in a way this does strike a chord for me.

I'm sorry. I'm not at that point, thankfully; the comment you made earlier in the post about the monster being self-destructive is beyond how I have felt about it. If I was ever truly destructive in that sense, it would be to other people.

I definitely relate...for me, I want to be nice and tactful, so I don't let people see the rage monster. I think that's a difference between Fe and Te, too.

I dunno; I definitely want to be tactful. I'm probably not as good about being tactful as people with strong Fe, but I'm very civil and polite and I try to be equally so to everyone I know, to avoid any interpersonal consequences. Another reason is that people get so freaked out by the anger that I DO show (which is such a small percentage of what I actually feel), that I can't imagine what would happen if I showed all of it.

 

[jbking]

More details...

The experiments here are almost the gamut of things one could imagine, ranging from very stylized death scenes, like what Quentin Tarantino or David Lynch would have in a movie, to just minor violent episodes like putting a fist into a wall or other actions that hurt myself more than someone else. There have been times where I just wondered, "Why do I keep on living?" and sometimes didn't seem to have a good answer. This is when my mad scientist side would try to hatch a plan that is perfect on many levels, like it couldn't fail, would have very little to no pain, be rather quick in terms of time taken from start to finish, attempt to leave little mess behind, etc. Now, nothing has passed all these requirements but that doesn't stop my mind for trying to find something. Sometimes it can be just a flash of a visual of say an axe slicing through my neck for a simple decapitation while in other cases it can be a bit more debilitating to some extent. There is also the potential for some of this to be passive-aggressive in terms of getting a rise out of someone that does get how I do have the brains that if applied to evil goals could produce very disturbing results. If you saw the movie "Office Space," think about the character that warned he'd blow the building up or rat out the tropical hotel where he stayed.

Another part to this is that I can have what I'd see as rather extreme destructive thoughts sometimes. For example, a loud motorcycle driving near me may trigger me to want to have a rocket launcher that I could fire at it so that I destroy what is hurting my ears and thus get vengeance in a way. Similarly, if I am harmed in some way, I may want to torture someone for hours as a way of trying to make things seem fair. These are also a kind of experiment as while I understand what I want, it isn't likely to happen that way.

Hopefully that gives a bit more detail. The therapist note was in part because there was another on-line forum where I posted thoughts like this and ended up in the hospital because someone thought I may go through on the suicidal and homicidal thoughts I was having.

 

[Random Ness]

I dunno; I definitely want to be tactful. I'm probably not as good about being tactful as people with strong Fe, but I'm very civil and polite and I try to be equally so to everyone I know, to avoid any interpersonal consequences. Another reason is that people get so freaked out by the anger that I DO show (which is such a small percentage of what I actually feel), that I can't imagine what would happen if I showed all of it.

I'm just trying to explain that Fe 1s and Te 1s have slightly different attitudes about controlling anger...I guess I didn't explain it well enough...