Well-sy, as a chickie married to an ESTJ (who I think is a 1) ... and I am a 9w1 (so feel the pull of perfection too) maybe I can help.
When my hubs gets into an argument, he simply cannot empathize with another person if he thinks he has done nothing wrong or if he doesn't agree with their POV. Not that he is cruel or nasty, but as an ESTJ typically he needs to believe that he did something offensive before he can address it. He will make statements to the effect "Prove to me that I have offended you" or "Prove to me that what you did was the right/best thing" which, in the heat of the moment for a non-ESTJ / non-perfectionist feels very confrontational and extremely unsympathetic.
And using myself as an example, I can feel like articulating the "answers" for feeling how I do on the spot is difficult and demanding, so can get aggravated with this interrogative style of discussion. I can even occasionally fall into it myself when accusations are leveled against me. I just want to efficiently get to the crux of the matter and resolve the dispute. As does the ESTJ but from a different motivational perspective.
ESTJ response can seem like an unwarranted justification of bad behaviour instead of one that's been considered or even sincere - "I hear what you are telling me, I appreciate your POV even though it differs from my own." It sounds more like - "You are wrong, I didn't say that to mean that so how can you think that."
I'll tell you what is a BIG help for ESTJ's (and for anyone!) - learning active listening. https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits.php is a great book that gets to the how-to crux of it without a lot of filler. Its a great book btw, love that guy.
Active listening will help your audience feel like you have heard them, and give you the necessary pause to let your feelings process what you are hearing; you don't have to agree to provide empathy, and you will get closer to understanding their POV.