I just got out/am getting out of a hole.
I was a relatively happy child till age 12, when I became a depressive.
Never fit in with my family.
School was always a place of solace for me.
I would hang out with my mom, but that was just for comfort, even though she kicked my ass when I was pre-five, I didn't blame her, she was just frustrated, raising three kids on her own, having very little grasp of the English language.
My middle sister was a sadistic, physically, and mentally manipulative boar, she was tremendously violent, and due to her temper, my mom was fearful of her and did anything to appease her.
My father was a better father when he wasn't around, ironically, but when he became more present post- age 11, things grew evermore chaotic in my household.
My eldest sister, who was abused the most by both my mid. sister and father became very introverted and sullen because of this, she and didn't really acknowledge my existence until I was in the fifth grade, but I always stuck up for her, and felt horribly when both my father and my other sis repeatedly treated her like shit, my mother knew deep in her heart that this was wrong, but my mom was always afraid, afraid to dissent with my father for fear of abandonment, (they were not married until I was 21), and my mom was afraid of my mid. sister's erratic and temperamental behavior, she was abusive towards everyone in my family, me, my eldest sis, and my mom.
She and my father got along, though. (Both Ts, both have/had something inherently, i.e. genetically wrong with them).
So, in short, I was raised with two sadists growing up.
This, I believe facilitated my empathy, and my Fi and my emotional sensitivity in general.
So much flagrant injustice I saw/witnessed/was victim to growing up, it made me sick, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, you name it.
Every day I try to be resilient, if I hurt myself, I let the evils of the world, and more specifically, the evils of the circumstances of my childhood win.
I won't be a victim, I won't let them win.
But it's hard, a person can only suffer so much before their soul breaks, and even when they fix their broken souls, there exists that lingering ache.
Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why?!!?!?!??!
I will never forget the past, but I have to learn to accept it, and acknowledge the positive things it afforded me.
I'm a special person because of all the hardship I've been through.
Might sound corny, but it's true.
to all my fellow fours.