Well, as a 6 I seek that approval thing. If I'm unhealthy and I feel like I'm not getting it, I will pump myself up and create an extreme "placeholder" identity for myself, even though I know it's not me deep down. This can go to either extreme. Sometimes I try so hard to appear successful and ingenious. As a kid, I would stick around the teachers at recess and bring out big books I didn't understand, just so they could see me and be impressed with how smart I was. When I got older, if I felt like my social circle was unstable, I would find someone else to hang out with in front of them, and pretend to be having a much more fun time than I was actually having. Honestly, it was pretty self-sabotaging. And then there's the negative side, where I would poke at my negative feelings so people could see me hurting and remind me that they're still by my side. I heard that "testing people" is a 6 thing. Purposefully sitting away from the crowd to see who was loyal enough to notice me and sit with me, too. I could alter my image to make my "approved people" notice me. I knew when to sniffle, how to frown, when to put my hand in my hands, etc.
I don't really see myself as competitive, but at the same time, I kind of am. My ISTP sister, my best friend, got her driver's permit the other day. I still have mine; I haven't gotten a license yet. Well, she's immediately better at it than I am even though I've been driving for longer. Unfortunately, I found myself becoming very cruel and saying horrible things... "I will do what it takes to get to the top, and nobody can stop me. I am superior." At the same time, I felt completely inferior and worthless, so much so that I descended into a sobbing panic and texted a friend a very dramatic paragraph about how awful I felt. When she read it and didn't reply, I felt that "oh my God I'm going to be abandoned and I've ruined all my relationships" feeling, and that just made it worse. I had to call a hotline because I felt alone and like I had nobody to vent to.
I also think it has to do with presenting oneself so my "circle" still approves of me. Admittedly, I find myself shopping for clothes thinking, "What would my friend think of this? What if I buy it and it looks horrible? I'll wear it, just not around them." Because I don't want to lose their OK stamp. I don't wear makeup around them because I don't want it criticized. I felt uncomfortable buying my own prom shoes because I was afraid they would think they sucked. And if they think they suck, then it's true. I do that, to be honest. I have to remind myself that I'm capable of making my own decisions, and that what other people say is not automatically the gospel truth. It's like my brain makes my closest loved ones into pillars of knowledge, and what they say goes. Thus, in the past, I've fallen victim to codependency.
Here's some disintegration self-talk:
"I'm upset, I'll go to my authority figure. They can rescue me. Wait, I'm losing them! I'm overwhelming them. I'm venting too much. Am I using them to fulfill my own needs? They don't want to be around me anymore. I'm going to be abandoned. What did I do to alienate them? Oh, they didn't like that I acted like that. I'll stop acting like that. I'll present myself in a way that they'll like. This is a nice dress, my friends would like this. I like this outfit--wait, they said they didn't like it. They're right, it isn't that cute after all. What if I'm not funny? The only reason they like me is because I'm funny, right? Well, now I need to plan jokes that they'll like. I have to start planning jokes for the next outing. Why didn't they approve of my action? Why are they mad? Well, now I'm mad! I'll get revenge. They'll be sorry they said that. I'm make them jealous.
I'm being taken for granted. I'll show them that they're sorry without me! I'll post a video of myself with other friends, then they'll feel bad. Why don't they appreciate me? I'm so loyal, but I feel like they don't care as much. Wait, they're jealous, now they're upset. It's all my fault! I'm going to be abandoned."
Throughout my life, I've just drifted from person to person, becoming intensely attached, then it just fizzles away. I'm alone for maybe two weeks, then I start obsessing about someone else. There's always someone who's my "hero." I imagine myself signing books, winning competitions, so they can see me and be proud. I guess I'm like a puppy.
It's a problem, and I'm working on it through therapy.
Any 6's relate?