I've posted this on another Enneagram form and was typed by a type 9 who called me a 9 without a lot of explanation. Curious, I stalked his posts and noticed that at least 9 (lol) out of 10 people he typed were apparently 9s. Not sure if it's a coincidence, or if 9s truly have no clue what type they are until someone tells them. I don't feel like I can trust his quick judgement, so a second opinion would be great. Keep in mind that I've been diagnosed with ADHD-PI and prescribed with vyvanse to help with focus. It helps me a little bit and could be better, but I refuse to take a higher dose. I don't want to age my body any faster than it's aging now. Anyway, here are my questions:
1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
A drive consists of many things. It's hard for me to pinpoint which one is the most important, as it seems to change on me a lot. I might as well start listing a couple (or as many as I can think of at this time) of the things that keep me going in this life:
• To do something meaningful for myself. I'm currently in the stage of my life where I'm trying out many new things; seeing if it'll be what I've been looking for. Sometimes laziness gets in the way, but it may be more than that. The laziness probably stems from fear of failure, or finding out that I'm rubbish at the thing I want to chase, but most of the time I'm able to overcome my demons and just do it.
For example, I was pretty afraid of starting a writing commission I got myself into; lots of doubt and tension. Once I started it and noticed that I could handle the deadlines, I was fine. The only thing that made it hard after that was to keep working. There were times where I'd skip a day, get angry at myself for being lazy, and then force myself to write double-time. Eventually, I started to really enjoy it, but it was a process to get to that point.
I think artistic expression fits in this particular driver. Artistic expression has always been something present in my life. A lot of the time it's in the background, but it never truly leaves. I'm a lover of music, and enjoy composing songs that "speak" to me. I also attempt to make things that are appealing to others with some success. Sometimes I make a song that happens to fit both of those standards, which makes me very proud of myself. Not only have I made something that expresses a part of myself in a way, but other people are digging it! Sometimes I'll fantasize about being a famous musician, especially while I'm listening to my favorite songs. I'm not the drummer or bassist in my fantasies, always the lead singer/guitarist.
• (I'm aware that these points may blend in a bit with each other)
To be the best person I can be, using my abilities to their peak. This one is a double edged sword for me. On one hand, the idea of achieving my peak is exciting, especially if I end up having the opportunity to do it as a career. On the other, I'm still afraid of seeing where I land. Will I like what I see, or will I be forever discouraged? I will have thoughts that tell me, "shoot for the stars, you're secretly a rock star!", and thoughts that reply, saying, "Be prepared for disappointment. Better yet, be more realistic with yourself! Just because you aren't or cannot be the best, doesn't mean it's all over." Because of this, I get very pumped up when I achieve something that I'm satisfied with, or if I win at something. If I lose, it can sometimes make me self conscious and doubtful of my abilities. I wish I could figure this self-worth roller-coaster one day.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
I'll keep this basic:
I want a career that allows me a degree of freedom, makes me look good, is meaningful to me, is fun at times, allows my abilities to shine bright, and is the perfect balance between too boring and too stressful.
I want things to continue with my long distance partner, whom we are basically in it for the long haul (3.5 years together). We both understand each other, but the distance is killing me. It's also causing me to have doubts. I become hateful over how much of an 8 and a 5 he is, being able to push his emotions down and not miss me when he's very busy. I become jealous of the fact that he's off to start his PHD soon, and here I am a university dropout still figuring themselves out. I feel like a worm compared to him sometimes, and the lack of attention almost "confirms" it in my mind. I know for a fact that I truly love him, but my damn ego takes over and screws with me something fierce (sorry, had to add that little flavorful bit of text. Maritime Canadian here!). I understand why this happens though. My best guess is because I'm afraid of losing him in the worst possible way, which is this: "I can't stay with a loser anymore. We have to end this." I find it hard to trust when he says that it's fine, and he's okay with waiting for me to figure myself out. I'll sometimes fantasize about leaving him before he "leaves me". It's almost a power fantasy of sorts.
Of course, the last one is obvious. I want a sense of stable identity, and a life that satisfies me. I want to be able to do all the things I want to do without any hesitation. I want to be happy, and have the ability to control my emotions and my life.
Oops, completely forgot about keeping it basic I guess.
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I don't want to be a loser working minimum wage. I also don't want to be stuck in an unhappy job for the rest of my life, which also ties into not wanting to be a loser. I will also say that I don't want to lose connection with my family and friends. When I think about that, it doesn't make me feel very worried, but I know for a fact that it would kill me if it actually did happen.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
Again, landing a dead-end job that says nothing about who I am as a person, or reflects what I can do.
Another fear would be someone knowing everything that goes on inside my head. I have a lot of things that I do and think that I wouldn't want anyone to know. This fear created itself when my parents found a journal of mine when I was 14. They knew everything, about how I was depressed, about my thought processes, and many other things.
I also fear rejection, because to me it can be an indicator of being defective in some way, or not good enough. I also fear confrontation, and will lie my way around it if I can. I sometimes have the courage to come clean or confront someone about something, I will. But if it's something easy to avoid and really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, I'll avoid it,
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I want others to see a good looking, intelligent guy that is approachable but not a doormat. I want to be able always have the ability to say the right thing at the right time. I want a creative outward appearance that allows people a non-intrusive look into what sort of person I am, but not enough for them to want to completely back away thinking I was pretentious.
Sometimes I see myself as a fairly okay guy with a decent head on his shoulders and good looking genes. Occasionally I'm 100% happy with who I am, and feel ecstatic to be in this body and own the mind that I have. Other times I see a pathetic nobody that can't get their shit together. I hate how awkward I sometimes can be with others, and I hate my ADHD that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I also hate that I'm not good at certain things, even if I try.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
When I prove how smart I am to myself, it makes me feel great. If I do something that separates me from the norm in a positive light, I become proud of who I am. I would figure that if I can do something like this, who knows what I'm capable of.
Doing a little bit extra for another person when it suits me best to do it makes me feel quite good as well. I like reminding them that not every stranger is out to get them, or only out for themselves. It almost feels like I'm contributing to someone's day. I like when others do this for me, so the fact that I know how it feels makes me do it more. It'll happen once in a while, meaning not every day.
I like making a good impression on other people. If they see me as interesting, impressive, awesome, funny, etc, I eat it up. I want to be the type of person that people want to be friends with, but also one that people are impressed by. I want to do it in a way that conveys myself as an individual as well, as I wouldn't want to appeal to your average broish club goer. The types I'd want to appeal to would be the artsy crowd and the academic crowd.
Boredom is killer for me. I hate that emotion with a passion. Sometimes I'm so bored that it slows my mind to the extent where I can't think of anything to do. If I'm able to think of things, sometimes nothing will satisfy me, and I'm left to dry.
I also hate making people angry, especially if I didn't mean to make them angry in that way. If I'm 100% sure of my position in an argument, I couldn't care less, but if their is any sort of doubt in my words, I feel like I haven't thought it through enough, and end the argument on a note of 'I'm not quite sure myself, so I can't lay down a strong opinion." If I do something clumsy like spill a drink on someone, I'll feel quite fearful and apologize profusely. That is the kind of anger I'm afraid of.
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
anger: Seething. I bottle it up and let it fester. I try to rationalize why I'm angry, which usually helps it go away. I almost never act on impulse when I'm angry, as I know that the anger is usually an overreaction to something. If it isn't an overreaction, and I'm completely sure of my position, I will confront the person the anger is directed toward.
Shame: Shame makes me feel terrible about myself. It makes me want to fix whatever it was that I did wrong. Usually I recognize what it was that I did, and find ways to come to terms. I have to truly be in the wrong to feel shameful over something.
anxiety: This one is tough. Anxiety, especially over a project, makes me want to avoid it, usually because I'm afraid of seeing how it will turn out. I'm generally avoidant when it comes to anxiety, as I have to focus on not "dying", as I get very overwhelmed by the chest ache and the feeling of being overstimulated. My heart-rate will regularly go over 120 bpm in states like this. I can calm myself by watching a tv show or talking to someone I like when in this state. I will snap out of the avoidance episode if the deadline of a task is rearing close and go into hyperdrive to get it done. I've had issues with anxiety and depression in the past, so sometimes it gets powerful enough for me to have issues dealing with it.
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
stress: my description of anxiety can be called "negative stress", so it applies here. When going through positive stress, I can usually power through what I need to finish. I usually have an urge to do something productive, like house chores or writing. It's when stress works out for me.
Unexpected change: Sometimes it's interesting to experience because of the fact that it's something new. If it's bad change, like a death in the family, I'll be in shock for a while, but after a day or so I'll come to terms. To put it briefly: If it's good but unexpected, it'll be slightly shocking but ultimately entertaining. If it's bad but unexpected, I'll constantly work on trying to adapt to whatever happened so I can go on with my life. Sometimes it'll get to me, and it'll feel like it's the end of the world, but most of the time I can maintain control.
conflict: Depends on what my side is. If there is an argument about topics that have many conclusions to them (politics), usually I understand this and try not to delve very deeply since arguing about it accomplishes nothing. I usually try to calm people down, and act as a logical diplomat. If someone has beef with me, I want it settled right then and there. "What is the problem", "how can we fix this". I'm not a fighter. If the problem is far away, I have a tendency to avoid it for as long as I can. This is a habit I'm trying to break myself out of, because it more destructive than productive. I'm usually very assertive if there is a problem with my boyfriend though. This is because I feel comfortable with him, and know our bond is strong enough to not be broken by an argument, unlike some of the acquaintances I have.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
Authority: If I find what they are doing is stupid or unjust, yet I cannot do anything about it (meaning they are immune to reasoning), I'll go along with it. If I'm afraid of the person with authority (a past boss I had), I'll go with the flow and only bring something up if it's truly unreasonable. I pick my own fights quite well, but I could pick more of them to assert myself. I will try to act as a model worker/student when authority is near, but when they are out of sight, I will do whatever I think I can get away with when it comes to bending the rules. The only time I get nervous is if I think I might get caught somehow down the line. If I'm untraceable, I'll do it.
Power: I don't want to piss the wrong person off. If someone is important, and tied to my future, I will act properly around them. I'm try to impress them if I know I can. The extent of challenging someone in power goes as far as "Uhh, isn't it *some other explanation of whatever we're learning*." If I'm wrong, no big deal, as I was just trying to make myself look a bit better and appeal to them. It's not like my equal bested me or anything.
I won't pick fights with people that seem "better" or bigger than me either. Why would I set myself up for failure, looking like a goof in the process? It achieves nothing.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
We are all in it for the long haul, so might as well do things for yourself that make it better. Find out what makes you happy, and do it as much as you can. Don't forget about giving yourself time to recharge either.
I'm torn on what I think of humanity, and in a way, that's a conclusion on its own. Humanity consists of a mix of terrible and great people, all with their own story. Sometimes there's a good reason why Bob is an asshole, and sometimes there isn't. Try not to be too cynical of people, but do not let your guard down by any means, unless you truly trust someone. The world is only "fucked up" because we as a species are all incredibly different from one another.
If you made it all the way to the end, congratulations! I hope to hear your thoughts. If you TLDR'd me, I ask you kindly to either give this a chance or refrain from typing me. Don't do what the other guy did, unless he has the uncanny ability to read a wall of text in 25 seconds flat.
1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
A drive consists of many things. It's hard for me to pinpoint which one is the most important, as it seems to change on me a lot. I might as well start listing a couple (or as many as I can think of at this time) of the things that keep me going in this life:
• To do something meaningful for myself. I'm currently in the stage of my life where I'm trying out many new things; seeing if it'll be what I've been looking for. Sometimes laziness gets in the way, but it may be more than that. The laziness probably stems from fear of failure, or finding out that I'm rubbish at the thing I want to chase, but most of the time I'm able to overcome my demons and just do it.
For example, I was pretty afraid of starting a writing commission I got myself into; lots of doubt and tension. Once I started it and noticed that I could handle the deadlines, I was fine. The only thing that made it hard after that was to keep working. There were times where I'd skip a day, get angry at myself for being lazy, and then force myself to write double-time. Eventually, I started to really enjoy it, but it was a process to get to that point.
I think artistic expression fits in this particular driver. Artistic expression has always been something present in my life. A lot of the time it's in the background, but it never truly leaves. I'm a lover of music, and enjoy composing songs that "speak" to me. I also attempt to make things that are appealing to others with some success. Sometimes I make a song that happens to fit both of those standards, which makes me very proud of myself. Not only have I made something that expresses a part of myself in a way, but other people are digging it! Sometimes I'll fantasize about being a famous musician, especially while I'm listening to my favorite songs. I'm not the drummer or bassist in my fantasies, always the lead singer/guitarist.
• (I'm aware that these points may blend in a bit with each other)
To be the best person I can be, using my abilities to their peak. This one is a double edged sword for me. On one hand, the idea of achieving my peak is exciting, especially if I end up having the opportunity to do it as a career. On the other, I'm still afraid of seeing where I land. Will I like what I see, or will I be forever discouraged? I will have thoughts that tell me, "shoot for the stars, you're secretly a rock star!", and thoughts that reply, saying, "Be prepared for disappointment. Better yet, be more realistic with yourself! Just because you aren't or cannot be the best, doesn't mean it's all over." Because of this, I get very pumped up when I achieve something that I'm satisfied with, or if I win at something. If I lose, it can sometimes make me self conscious and doubtful of my abilities. I wish I could figure this self-worth roller-coaster one day.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
I'll keep this basic:
I want a career that allows me a degree of freedom, makes me look good, is meaningful to me, is fun at times, allows my abilities to shine bright, and is the perfect balance between too boring and too stressful.
I want things to continue with my long distance partner, whom we are basically in it for the long haul (3.5 years together). We both understand each other, but the distance is killing me. It's also causing me to have doubts. I become hateful over how much of an 8 and a 5 he is, being able to push his emotions down and not miss me when he's very busy. I become jealous of the fact that he's off to start his PHD soon, and here I am a university dropout still figuring themselves out. I feel like a worm compared to him sometimes, and the lack of attention almost "confirms" it in my mind. I know for a fact that I truly love him, but my damn ego takes over and screws with me something fierce (sorry, had to add that little flavorful bit of text. Maritime Canadian here!). I understand why this happens though. My best guess is because I'm afraid of losing him in the worst possible way, which is this: "I can't stay with a loser anymore. We have to end this." I find it hard to trust when he says that it's fine, and he's okay with waiting for me to figure myself out. I'll sometimes fantasize about leaving him before he "leaves me". It's almost a power fantasy of sorts.
Of course, the last one is obvious. I want a sense of stable identity, and a life that satisfies me. I want to be able to do all the things I want to do without any hesitation. I want to be happy, and have the ability to control my emotions and my life.
Oops, completely forgot about keeping it basic I guess.
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I don't want to be a loser working minimum wage. I also don't want to be stuck in an unhappy job for the rest of my life, which also ties into not wanting to be a loser. I will also say that I don't want to lose connection with my family and friends. When I think about that, it doesn't make me feel very worried, but I know for a fact that it would kill me if it actually did happen.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
Again, landing a dead-end job that says nothing about who I am as a person, or reflects what I can do.
Another fear would be someone knowing everything that goes on inside my head. I have a lot of things that I do and think that I wouldn't want anyone to know. This fear created itself when my parents found a journal of mine when I was 14. They knew everything, about how I was depressed, about my thought processes, and many other things.
I also fear rejection, because to me it can be an indicator of being defective in some way, or not good enough. I also fear confrontation, and will lie my way around it if I can. I sometimes have the courage to come clean or confront someone about something, I will. But if it's something easy to avoid and really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, I'll avoid it,
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I want others to see a good looking, intelligent guy that is approachable but not a doormat. I want to be able always have the ability to say the right thing at the right time. I want a creative outward appearance that allows people a non-intrusive look into what sort of person I am, but not enough for them to want to completely back away thinking I was pretentious.
Sometimes I see myself as a fairly okay guy with a decent head on his shoulders and good looking genes. Occasionally I'm 100% happy with who I am, and feel ecstatic to be in this body and own the mind that I have. Other times I see a pathetic nobody that can't get their shit together. I hate how awkward I sometimes can be with others, and I hate my ADHD that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I also hate that I'm not good at certain things, even if I try.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
When I prove how smart I am to myself, it makes me feel great. If I do something that separates me from the norm in a positive light, I become proud of who I am. I would figure that if I can do something like this, who knows what I'm capable of.
Doing a little bit extra for another person when it suits me best to do it makes me feel quite good as well. I like reminding them that not every stranger is out to get them, or only out for themselves. It almost feels like I'm contributing to someone's day. I like when others do this for me, so the fact that I know how it feels makes me do it more. It'll happen once in a while, meaning not every day.
I like making a good impression on other people. If they see me as interesting, impressive, awesome, funny, etc, I eat it up. I want to be the type of person that people want to be friends with, but also one that people are impressed by. I want to do it in a way that conveys myself as an individual as well, as I wouldn't want to appeal to your average broish club goer. The types I'd want to appeal to would be the artsy crowd and the academic crowd.
Boredom is killer for me. I hate that emotion with a passion. Sometimes I'm so bored that it slows my mind to the extent where I can't think of anything to do. If I'm able to think of things, sometimes nothing will satisfy me, and I'm left to dry.
I also hate making people angry, especially if I didn't mean to make them angry in that way. If I'm 100% sure of my position in an argument, I couldn't care less, but if their is any sort of doubt in my words, I feel like I haven't thought it through enough, and end the argument on a note of 'I'm not quite sure myself, so I can't lay down a strong opinion." If I do something clumsy like spill a drink on someone, I'll feel quite fearful and apologize profusely. That is the kind of anger I'm afraid of.
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
anger: Seething. I bottle it up and let it fester. I try to rationalize why I'm angry, which usually helps it go away. I almost never act on impulse when I'm angry, as I know that the anger is usually an overreaction to something. If it isn't an overreaction, and I'm completely sure of my position, I will confront the person the anger is directed toward.
Shame: Shame makes me feel terrible about myself. It makes me want to fix whatever it was that I did wrong. Usually I recognize what it was that I did, and find ways to come to terms. I have to truly be in the wrong to feel shameful over something.
anxiety: This one is tough. Anxiety, especially over a project, makes me want to avoid it, usually because I'm afraid of seeing how it will turn out. I'm generally avoidant when it comes to anxiety, as I have to focus on not "dying", as I get very overwhelmed by the chest ache and the feeling of being overstimulated. My heart-rate will regularly go over 120 bpm in states like this. I can calm myself by watching a tv show or talking to someone I like when in this state. I will snap out of the avoidance episode if the deadline of a task is rearing close and go into hyperdrive to get it done. I've had issues with anxiety and depression in the past, so sometimes it gets powerful enough for me to have issues dealing with it.
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
stress: my description of anxiety can be called "negative stress", so it applies here. When going through positive stress, I can usually power through what I need to finish. I usually have an urge to do something productive, like house chores or writing. It's when stress works out for me.
Unexpected change: Sometimes it's interesting to experience because of the fact that it's something new. If it's bad change, like a death in the family, I'll be in shock for a while, but after a day or so I'll come to terms. To put it briefly: If it's good but unexpected, it'll be slightly shocking but ultimately entertaining. If it's bad but unexpected, I'll constantly work on trying to adapt to whatever happened so I can go on with my life. Sometimes it'll get to me, and it'll feel like it's the end of the world, but most of the time I can maintain control.
conflict: Depends on what my side is. If there is an argument about topics that have many conclusions to them (politics), usually I understand this and try not to delve very deeply since arguing about it accomplishes nothing. I usually try to calm people down, and act as a logical diplomat. If someone has beef with me, I want it settled right then and there. "What is the problem", "how can we fix this". I'm not a fighter. If the problem is far away, I have a tendency to avoid it for as long as I can. This is a habit I'm trying to break myself out of, because it more destructive than productive. I'm usually very assertive if there is a problem with my boyfriend though. This is because I feel comfortable with him, and know our bond is strong enough to not be broken by an argument, unlike some of the acquaintances I have.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
Authority: If I find what they are doing is stupid or unjust, yet I cannot do anything about it (meaning they are immune to reasoning), I'll go along with it. If I'm afraid of the person with authority (a past boss I had), I'll go with the flow and only bring something up if it's truly unreasonable. I pick my own fights quite well, but I could pick more of them to assert myself. I will try to act as a model worker/student when authority is near, but when they are out of sight, I will do whatever I think I can get away with when it comes to bending the rules. The only time I get nervous is if I think I might get caught somehow down the line. If I'm untraceable, I'll do it.
Power: I don't want to piss the wrong person off. If someone is important, and tied to my future, I will act properly around them. I'm try to impress them if I know I can. The extent of challenging someone in power goes as far as "Uhh, isn't it *some other explanation of whatever we're learning*." If I'm wrong, no big deal, as I was just trying to make myself look a bit better and appeal to them. It's not like my equal bested me or anything.
I won't pick fights with people that seem "better" or bigger than me either. Why would I set myself up for failure, looking like a goof in the process? It achieves nothing.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
We are all in it for the long haul, so might as well do things for yourself that make it better. Find out what makes you happy, and do it as much as you can. Don't forget about giving yourself time to recharge either.
I'm torn on what I think of humanity, and in a way, that's a conclusion on its own. Humanity consists of a mix of terrible and great people, all with their own story. Sometimes there's a good reason why Bob is an asshole, and sometimes there isn't. Try not to be too cynical of people, but do not let your guard down by any means, unless you truly trust someone. The world is only "fucked up" because we as a species are all incredibly different from one another.
If you made it all the way to the end, congratulations! I hope to hear your thoughts. If you TLDR'd me, I ask you kindly to either give this a chance or refrain from typing me. Don't do what the other guy did, unless he has the uncanny ability to read a wall of text in 25 seconds flat.
