I'm having quite a bit of issues regarding the Enneagram. When I did the MBTI test, (which I have multiple times now) it was so easy to see that I was an INFJ. The more I read it, the more it astonished me. However, the more I read about it, the more I thought something was "missing," for a lack of better words. Than I stumbled across the Enneagram..

I've been typed as a 9w1, 1w9, 5w4, and a 6w5. The issue here is, all of these things seem very much like me. It's almost as if my mood depends on how I act, and consequentially, how my testing results.

As for the 9w1/1w9 matchup, I've definitely always been somewhat of perfectionist. For example, in middle school, I was amazing in volleyball (looking back.) I quit because I felt like I was no longer in the top 3 among my team. In my head at the time, that meant that I was awful. To add on, I always needed my organization to be.. well perfect. I would cringe if my teachers would fold my stabled papers. It looked messy and wrong to me. I will sometimes spend 15 minutes on one single sentence of an essay, just to make it sound exactly right. Just a few examples. As for the "1" aspect, I won't dive too far in, because all I have to say is similar to INFJ's. This may have been why a part of me thinks this isn't my typing, given the fact that it still doesn't feel "right."

The 6w5 thing sounds like me in terms of anxiety. The whole authority thing 6's have doesn't quite sound like me. However, there is a part of me that is fearful of not having a level of "hand holding" (as painful as it is for me to admit), and thinking I may be wrong about things. On the flip side, similar to 5's, there's a part of me who also wants to be completely independent and trusts myself on the inside. But in terms of getting shit done, I'm constantly asking questions that I already know, just to make sure. Similarly to 6's (and I know, 6's aren't the only ones who can have anxiety issues,) I have had a lot of issues with anxiety. Again, there's just something about the "6" thing that I don't agree with. My dad was either a 7w6 or 6w7 (a counter phobic 6.) I know another 6w7 (phobic), and their anxious demeanor was completely different that mine, in a way that is hard to describe. Almost as if they are tensely looking for something to go wrong, while I already believe that something is wrong.

Okay, and now the 5w4. I seem to agree with this one the most, but can't definitively set my mind to it. I want to help myself grow, but I don't want to do it the wrong way, simply because I typed myself wrong. Ahh, am I always asking questions. Constantly. I'll ask questions to people, knowing they don't know the answer, just because I want them try to express their point of view of a situation. Even if it gets off track of the topic at hand. And yes, I want to elaborate with them. I'm constantly reading articles and books, wondering about something, looking up something, etc. There's a large part of me that wants to express this (4-ish) and share the insight I've come to through these understandings. I usually don't. If I do, it's either to my mom, boyfriend, or best friend. I almost have different personas around different people. Anyway, I'm afraid of looking different than others (although I appreciate the part of me that is), or to look self-centered. But I also am not good at small talk, or talking about anything sensors talk about lol, so I'm constantly anxious about what I should say to people in social situations. However, in academic or work situations, I'm a lot more at ease and "myself," because it's not just social interactions. There's work to get done. Ya feel?

Here's some further information that may help you help me! (Mind you, this may not help one bit lol)

There's certainly a "dark" part of me. I love dark humor, though I did grow up around it. I love really messed up movies as well (Devil's Rejects, anyone?) Though there's a part of me that's very delicate. Almost as if the darkness comes out when it's not important (joking with others who don't mind, etc,) but when it comes to real life situations, I have very humanistic views.

I am very organized with certain things, but I can be lacking in the practical department. There way be cloths that need put away, or my room may need cleaned up, but if I find a fascinating article... forget about it.

I'm also 18, and at a point of my life where I'm making a lot of changes. I work 36 hr/w and go to college. There's so many things I WANT to do, but by if I have a day off, I don't do any of those things I long to (go to the gym, draw, write, do literally anything that makes me feel significant besides learning) I feel too drained to do these things.

In terms of finding a career, I feel like I haven't found something, again, that's "right" for me. I feel almost as if, even if I get a degree in a field I'm interested in, and even if I graduate with a 3.8 GPA, for example, I still will lack basic skills I need to DO the job in the real world. I don't know if this is just an average thought process for an 18 year old girl to go through. I'd imagine it is. Who knows.

Any thoughts are appreciated. Let's just not be assholes here. Thank you!!! )