I'm 20 years old and a very conflicted individual. Could that be a reason why I can't seem to get myself typed correctly?
For example I do feel a lot of hate for most people because they drain my energy very quickly. It often even gets to the point where I imagine murdering them or stealing stuff from them to feel some kind of revenge and fairness. Of course the first one is 100% imagination, while the second one is harder to resist. At the same time I know I don't REALLY hate people. When I'm at a distance and at a place where I can decide how much interaction I want it's okay. If course I still have different feelings about different people, but it's no "blind hate rage" anymore. I almost never let that anger out though. When i feel that I let out anger on others in a direct way you would probably call it "not as nice as usually" or something. I just feel that I have to act how people want me to act and I feel that everyone has to like me. It's because I'm very afraid of people and I'm afraid of being more exhausted.
I'm working on being more myself. My goal would be always being true to myself and I don't mind being alone because of that. Of course I know I can't ALWAYS say what I 100% think, I don't even want that, but I think you know what I mean...
From reading descriptions of Enneagram types I see many of them in there! I want to be myself, not caring about the consequences... I feel a lot of hate... I act nice and friendly while having inner rage... it's very confusing, becaue I see different types for different things inside of me.
Another example would be my "sadness". I often think about being a type 4. But I don't feel any shame for who I am. I don't hate myself. I love myself and when I'm stressed I believe I'm better than anyone. I feel shame when I'm in social situations though, because people stress me. But it's not natural. I love sadness, madness, hate, ... to an extreme. But in a controlled way. I don't like those typical depressed emo kids who post pictures of cat scratches on instagram and say that they bleed to death. Actually I use those people to feel better becuase I feel better than them. I laugh at them. I like the real pain and misery. It's pure entertainment for me. I love it when others suffer.
BUT at the same time I want to live a happy and free life. I want both. I was more on the misery-side of life when I was younger (cutting, hopsitals, drama, ...) but now I'm more on the normal-side... of course I sometimes still like going back to the younger me though. Sometimes I need that.
Here again I see many enneagram types being a possibility.
It's with nearly everything and that's why my question is... am I still too conflicted to really be able to type myself?