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Thread: How Parent Types Contribute To Child Types

  1. #1
    So she did. Array small.wonder's Avatar
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    Feb 2013
    4w5 sx/so

    Default How Parent Types Contribute To Child Types

    Have you ever thought about how who your parents are as individuals, has affected who you have become? The Enneagram has provided a lot of clarity on that topic for me and am curious if others have made simmilar developmental connections, that they'd be willing to share.

    For example: My Dad is 3w4 Sp/Sx, 378, and my Mom is 2w3, Sp/Sx, 261. My experience all my life has been being over-helped, and over-pushed. Cultural ideals were glorified heavily, and in my Dad's abscence (working and traveling), I became the much needed anchor and truth speaker in my family.

    I love both of my parents dearly, but no parent is perfect. Their attitudes towards me from a young age caused me to assert my independance forcefully. My Mom has always done things without asking, some very thoughtful, but some controlling and dismissive of my own preferences and abilities. In middle school I started refusing some of this automatic "help". The caused me to develop pretty direct communication, and confusion as to why others didn't say what they thought. I saw my Mom as weak for many years, because she could not quell the chaos in our house, but instead kind of hid from it. I ended up taking that role on myself. Enter 8 fix.

    My Dad's influence is much more indirect, but has almost shaped me more heavily. He has been emotionally and physically absent much of my life, and so loved me with money and material things instead-- something from a young age, I began to not only devalue, but villianize. I also began to see "showing off" (or any form of narcissistic behavior) as abhorant, and started to hide and drown my own gifts out of fear of becoming like my Dad in that way. I was humiliated by his arrogance and demeaning of other people, and by the time I was about 12, kind of livid about it. I began to see the open use of my own gifts in that light, that it was shameful, and not authentic to perform for praise. I suspect this was pretty big in my core development as a 4/5-- learning that things were not good unless they were done out of pure expression, and that material, main stream, achievement nauseated me. I think also because I could not relate to, or desire to be either of my parents, true, individual identity became a deep interest.

    Anyone else? How did your parents types contribute to your own?
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  2. #2
    hyggelig Array EJCC's Avatar
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    Aug 2008
    173 so/sx


    I'm a 1w2 / 173 so/sx. My mother is 1w2 / 162, either so/sx or so/sp. My father is 5w6 / 512 or 521, either so/sp or sp/so. I relate to this website's description of 7 parenting and of 1 parenting.

    What contributed to 7:
    My parents were both very loving and gave me a lot of positive feedback. We had a lot of fun and laughed a lot. They gave me a lot of independence in terms of who I hung out with, how late I stayed out, where I went. I was an only child, which -- while I recognize that only childhood doesn't create the same traits in everyone -- gave me a carefree and positive attitude in a lot of ways, and a strong sense of confidence in my own ability to charm people.

    What contributed to 1:
    I often felt a lot of judgment and a lot of worry, from both of my parents. I'd find myself trying to interpret their judgments and worry-triggers into rules that I could make for myself, since they wouldn't make those rules for me. (I was always a "good kid", so they didn't need to create any sort of strict disciplinary system.) I've been learning over time that my internal rule structure is much stricter than that of either of my parents, which makes sense because 1) it needed to be parental-disappointment-proof, 2) it needed to withstand relentless (but well-meaning) logical questioning and micromanaging from my dad, and 3) it needed to ensure that my parents would never worry about me.

    Not 100% sure what contributed to 3 and to so/sx. I presume I absorbed the social-focus from both of my parents. My 3-ness probably comes from the instances when I didn't meet my own 1 standards or my parents' standards, and needed to cover my own ass so they'd never know what I did. So if my 1-ness came from wanting to avoid parental concern and criticism, then my 3-ness did too.

    Edit: Another factor that made an impact, was an early impression of my mother as 1) passionately opinionated and with great ideas, and 2) rarely willing to stand up for those ideas and opinions under fire. To this day, she has a lot of trouble reconciling her 1w2-ness with her fear of conflict. (If she has a 6 fix, it's VERY phobic.) As soon as I realized this about her, it made me angry, and I resolved to never, ever become that. So if I was a 1w2 already, that strengthened it x1000.
    Last edited by EJCC; 01-28-2015 at 04:48 PM. Reason: narrowed down tritypes a bit more!
    and it's nice enough to
    make a man
    weep, but I don't
    weep, do

    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw or gryffindor (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
    conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
    want to ask me something? go for it!
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  3. #4
    So she did. Array small.wonder's Avatar
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    Feb 2013
    4w5 sx/so


    Read this already, but thanks (perhaps others haven't). I'm more interested in specific scenarios, as aforementioned in the OP.
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  4. #5
    .~ *aĉa virino* ~. Array Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Apr 2007
    549 sx/sp
    LII Ni


    My dad was an 8w7 or 7w8 (not sure which), ESTP. But he was pretty outward directed, was always right, seemed terrified of examining his inner world, and liked to be the dominant person in the room. He was impossible to deal with; I think he was harder on us than the students he worked with. I remember him never ever taking my side on anything or listening to what I had to say; to him, every exchange was someone out trying to con him, and so he could never provide any kind of support appropriate to a situation. His drinking addiction just made everything far worse. I could admire his abilities as a teacher from afar, but I did not have a real relationship with him as a person and basically I'd observe/listen to him interact with others (when around) at a safe distance while avoiding being noticed so as to not have to deal with him... You would never win or even reach a compromise with him, it was his way or no way.

    My mom was a solid 2 (ISFJ). Very meek and quiet, diligent, responsible, labored for long hours to hold the family together when my dad was off doing whatever it was he was doing all the time. She was quietly religious and thus holds a lot of specific beliefs about the world; but she wasn't one to preach, except that one should forgive people and move on, and one should be kind/considerate. Her ideas about life were simply to do things for others and be kind and not get too lost in thought.

    When I was growing up as a 5w4, I was kind of a mix of the two of them, although aspects of my father have become more apparent later in life. He and I were more capable of having a thinking discussion, but since he never dialogued (he just imposed himself), we did not converse much at all. Meanwhile, I could connect less with my mother, but she was far more accessible both physically and emotionally than my father ever was; the other problem was that the marriage issues there led her to be extremely codependent, so I tended to avoid her as much as possible as well, I felt smothered. A shorthand for it is that inwardly I "thought" more like my dad (more canny, more sarcastic, more discerning/skeptical, more humorous), but I was interacted outwardly more like my mom... I was soft-spoken, not rude to others, was accommodating and responsible for tasks I was given, etc.

    I was rewarded by the aspects of my type that my parents approved of. I was very smart, and they wanted me to excel in school. They both thought reading was important and provided money for books and weekly library trips. They wanted me to be exposed to music, and I took lessons. Neither was creative in the "artsy" way, but they encouraged me to write and draw and compose music and whatever else and took pride in that. So those aspects of Five were rewarded.

    However, I developed an aversion to aggressive people (mostly e8's and Type A's); I spent almost ALL my time alone and had conflicting emotions of contentment/loneliness; I rarely shared with others what I truly thought (to avoid being reprimanded or shamed); I had a darker view of the world in general (like, "we're fated to be misunderstood/alone"); I just did not invest in personal ties; I did not learn practical tasks. it was kind of the classic "INTP up in the library tower working on personal magic/science projects all the time" life, without much ability to socially relate in different scenarios. I would say I spent the second twenty years of my life unlearning a lot of the things I learned during the first twenty and finally becoming more well-rounded.

    I guess a positive I picked up, though, surviving that childhood, was in the development of diplomatic skills. My own perspective was rejected by my parents, so I learned how to see things from a variety of vantage points (theirs included) and learned how to try to smooth conflict. That was always a part of me, but it become much stronger since if I couldn't withdraw from a situation (preferred style, especially for a 549 tritype), the next was to somehow "make it a safe place" where conflicting ideas could coexist without killing each other.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft
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  5. #6
    Tempbanned Array
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    May 2014
    EIE Ni


    I can relate to the interaction scenario that a 4 child must go through. I don't really feel comfortable elaborating, but it resonates a lot

    7 and 8 remind me of my brother.

  6. #7
    Seal Down Array Hard's Avatar
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    Jan 2014
    1w2 sp/so
    SLE Se


    I'm 1w2 (136), my father is 1w2 (173, I believe), and my mother is 9w8 (946). @EJCC, after reading your account, it actually explains a decent chunk of how my dad came to be growing up (his experiences differed, but I see it totally).

    What interesting is, up until around the age of 16 I rejected my father nearly completely, and up until around 21 I still rejected him partially. It wasn't until around 22/23 that I came to accept him and understand him. It's interesting that, for as much as we are totally polar opposite people, we share a ton in common. My mother was my rock growing up, and I didn't start parting ways from her mentally and emotionally until around 19/20. My parents divorced at the age of 3, and I spent the weeks with my mom, and weekends with my dad up until I was 13. After that it reversed (my decision) until I went to college.

    As for where my 1ness came from:

    So it boils down to this for 1: Pressure from father to do things right (which was a subconscious influence) + My drive to win and be the best lead to 1 to a heavy degree. What finished it off was my mothers instillment of self confidance, self certainty, and moral development added the 2 wing, and completely locked 1 into place.

    For my 3w4 fix: It came from similar influences. My need to win being one of them. One of my default tactics was if I couldn't be the best or do things perfectly, I would at best make myself appear like I did, or make myself fit into something to carry a facade. I also was very fixed on status because it was one of the things my father approved of. If I had an objective object or whatever that validated, backed up, or proved I did something he'd be over the moon (he was actually surprisingly easy to please, you just had to know what things please him). He didn't respond to anecodotal, subjective, abstract, or fuzzy sorts of skill or success. My mom was the opposite, but because she essentially just loved everything about me, and only got upset when I did poorly in school (she actually did punish me rather harshly when I did). Because of that her approval/disapproval had no effect on me. It all made me hold a lot of weight into status, and acquiring externally valid pieces of proof that I have had success. I always feel the need to constantly rise as well. That actually came from my mother. She was very big on self-improvement and instilled that me. I saw it as an amazing tool to acheive perfection, so I took it, ran with it, and applied to everything. As such the need to be constantly making it to the next level gets applied everywhere. The 4 wing is I am not doing this to please others, it's purely internal and selfish. Getting others approval is incidental.

    For my 6w5 fix: This also has the same influences as above. This was a pervasive thing that was weighted equally from both parents and my peers. Because I fucked up and did things wrong so frequently (the social world), I started to become very cautious, and self protective of others. People struck me as unpredictable and I tried to guard against it. I also latched onto authority figures to act as support against this unpredictability, and I went with anything that was convienent at the time. Neither of my parents tried to instill this, and my mother actually taught me to be less fearful of people I didn't understand, but that it's ok to have guards and filters up. My father never saw this as an area to address, or perhaps he just flat out didn't see it. I was very gregarious up until around 7 or 8 (that faded to a much smaller level and didn't really come back until a few years ago), and that's predominatly what he saw. He also had the sense that I wasn't dumb; he'd let me run around by myself at the age of 9 in six flags great adventure for hours on end.
    MBTI: ExxJ tetramer
    Functions: Fe > Te > Ni > Se > Si > Ti > Fi > Ne
    Enneagram: 1w2 - 3w4 - 6w5 (The Taskmaster) | sp/so
    Socionics: β-E dimer | -
    Big 5: slOaI
    Temperament: Choleric/Melancholic
    Alignment: Lawful Neutral
    External Perception: Nohari and Johari
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  7. #8
    ¿trap queen? Array chickpea's Avatar
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    Sep 2009
    4w5 sx/sp


    i turned out as kinda a hybrid of the two. my mom is ENFP 7w6, probably so/sx, not sure about tritype but probably 2 for heart fix. my dad was an INTP 5w4 sp/sx. loving and accepting but unstructured and unstable.

    i actually relate a little more to the enneagram 5 parental relationship description, i wanted to do my own thing and as an only child felt like I had too much attention on me. my sense of alienation was more among my peers than my family. my parents encouraged the feeling that I was special and different from the other kids.

    i was raised only by my mom since I was 8 or 9 years old, and I felt like I was the adult in some ways. not by being responsible but I was more the emotional grownup. more cool-headed.

  8. #9
    Male Array johnnyyukon's Avatar
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    Feb 2014
    7w8 sx/sp


    Dad, ISTJ

    Cold, emotionless, insensitive, controlling, narcissistic (seriously, may be diagnosable), Doctor with a God complex, is always right, never said "I'm sorry" SUPER religious/self-righteous.

    Basically, an asshole.

    But I wouldn't say horrible person. He ruled the family with a very traditional patriarchal, Jesus is the answer to everything fist, but he provided for us very well (mom, sister, brother, me) but didn't raise his kids. He didn't have the slightest clue how.

    Mom, ISFJ

    Meek, timid, pushover, at times, totally emotionally insane (but rare).

    Also loving, understanding, and very perceptive. Unfortunately she didn't act on many of these skills. Is about as assertive as a mouse. I am the baby of the family, so she spoiled me when my dad wasn't looking. Probably where a lot of my entitlement issues developed.

    I think if my dad hadn't been around, we would have been closer (we are now). They almost got a divorce when I was 16 and I was rooting for it. Oh well.

    It's worth mentioning my siblings.

    Brother, INTJ, hand surgeon. A lot like my father when we were young. He too was emotionally invisible, basically ignored my existence, zero relationship (that's changed). I would have prefered he beat me up like a big brother is supposed to.

    Sister, I wanna say same as my mom, ISFJ. She was a bitch (still kind of is) and would torment me every chance she could. Anything to get under my skin, and she was quite successful up until around 12 when she (16) got a life.

    So baptist church 3 times a week, Sunday, Sunday night choir, Wednesday Youth Group. Though the last 2 were most of the time, Sunday morning was mandatory, no exceptions unless I was dying. No TV on Sundays. Other than maybe a dozen or so times I was sick, I think it's possible I didn't miss a single day of church from the time I can remember going until I turned 18.

    I fucking hated it. Even at 9, I remember asking my mom how we knew God was real or if Christianity was the "right one." She said something like, "Because it just is!!"

    ENTPs in this environment are stifled.

    I fucking went to church, but as soon as I could drive, 16, I was getting away and hanging out with my liberal, progressive friends, getting drunk every other weekend. Chasing girls.

    My dad still talks about how rebellious I was. Relative to him, I was, but my friends were doing the same stuff and their parents understood, more or less, it was part of being a teenager. But my dad's attempt at controlling me definitely fueled it more.

    All my friends were "sinful" even though today almost all of them are very successful. Lawyers, filmaker, teachers, musicians, professors. We were the "smart" kind-of cool kids. But they were naughty naughty non-christians.

    Anyway, in this environment, I learned to buck any and all authority, something I think I am naturally inclined towards anyway. Like @small.wonder, I came to abhor arrogance and huge egos, flattening them whenever they cramp my style. All that time in the household with no one but myself, I learned to be comfortable alone, and would draw or make videos, play with legos for hours, read, huge imagination. I think that's one reason I'm so fiercely independent. Not really relying or depending on anyone but myself. Definitely not always a good thing.

    I had niceties and college paid for, but I had to teach myself about the world, about women, about how to be a man, everything basically. Still learning. Though I didn't respect authority, I was a collector of father figures, whether older or even my friends. Even today. If someone can teach me something.

    Also, being so sheltered and constricted for so long, after 18 years, my prison sentence was up, so I became pretty curious and bold about anything and everything in the world, all the while not giving a single fuck what people thought about me. Approval was something I never got (instead hyper criticism), so I adapted to it.

    Hmmmmm....yeah I think that's all the self-psychoanalysis I got for now, ha.

    btw, I'm not bitter towards anyone in my family. They just were who they were. I used to be, but it really serves no purpose.

    edit: also not bitter towards religion or religious people, though again, used to be.
    I've had this ice cream bar, since I was a child!

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  9. #10
    Level 8 Scumlord Array SpankyMcFly's Avatar
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    Nov 2009
    642 so/sx


    Quote Originally Posted by johnnyyukon View Post
    Hmmmmm....yeah I think that's all the self-psychoanalysis I got for now, ha.

    btw, I'm not bitter towards anyone in my family. They just were who they were. I used to be, but it really serves no purpose.
    "The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents... Some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new Dark Age. " - H.P. Lovecraft
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