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  1. #21
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    Mama was a ENFJ 2w3. She had had a bad hard life as a child but she was proud...very proud. Stuffed full of pride on how awesome she was. Beautiful, polished, intelligent, and sophisticated that was her and she didn't miss any opportunity to show it to people. Pressure to perform was there and there was no affection without performance. I only felt visible to her because I looked just like her but different. My mother was thrilled with how I looked. I had very long, thick red hair, copper-skin...a true Redbone. I got attention and was stared at everywhere we went. She loved it and was so proud of this exotic-looking daughter. I hated it and wished to be invisible. She tried to doll me up (my aunts too) and I would deliberately sabotage it...refuse to perform...then regret it and try to please her because that was the only way to get her attention. All the other things that I thought were neat about myself...she knocked aside or ignored. As I grew older, I couldn't keep up 'living doll' stuff anymore so I got my wish. I disappeared and was invisible to her. I could feel her disappointment and disgust with me. You could cut the fucking air with it. She never said anything but she was an artist at controlling the emotional atmosphere. Even now, I'm way to damn sensitive to people's moods even though they haven't said a word...my ex used to manipulate the hell out of me with this.

    When I was a teen, she became an alcoholic. I ended up raising myself. I did a really shitty job.

    My dad was a ISTx 6w5. Cold, manipulative, passive-aggressive, and abusive. I didn't really talk to him or have a conversation with him until I was close to adulthood. If I tried, he wouldn't reply or would just push me aside. He didn't like me. He didn't like the way I looked. He'd ask my mother, "Why does she look like that?" Stupid question with all the Melungeon/Redbone ancestry on his side...in any case he didn't like it. It was just something to put her down with...trying to insinuate that I was a cuckoo in the nest. A really fucking nasty thing to hint at. But he said it in front of me. So...I felt ugly sometimes looking like I do. Ashamed like it was totally and completely my fault. I just wished he wasn't around. I hated how my mother jumped through hoops trying to please him and how nothing she did was never enough (and wow oh wow...I ended up being the same way!).

    I think between the both of them, I felt like I wasn't worth the trouble of raising. Easily forgotten. That is what stands out in my mind the most--easily forgotten. I felt that I could be discarded at any time. I used to have terrible separation anxiety attacks when I was very young thinking that Mama would not come home. I would pace and cry. Call my grandmother and my aunties looking for her. She ridiculed me for this, so I stuck to my sister as a surrogate. She spoiled me and treated me like a small queen. I got what I wanted and was super-privileged. All the things I wanted from Mama, I got from my oldest sister instead. And then one day it was abruptly over because she got married. That was such a terrible blow to me that I never wanted to care about or be deeply attached to anyone ever again. Something broke inside (again).

    As I got older, I had to learn to care for myself in everything. My parents weren't there--physically or emotionally either through not being at home or because of being passed out from drinking. That hurt really bad but I didn't really let myself think too much about the emotional part. Things were too gritty and I was too busy covering my ass working almost 40 hours a week and trying to finish high-school. Our house was literally falling apart and I was often sick and didn't know what to do about it. I got in a lot of trouble then, too...crazy, bad times.

    I think the whole 4 sp/sx shows up in me from the both of them not seeing me. I could have been anyone. Any child. Not only that, I felt like I had made some sort of mistake or that I was flawed in some way that made me unacceptable. And whatever it was, it wasn't even worth their time or trouble to tell me. So not worth it at all. Me going, "What!? What is it? Will you tell me so I can do better? So I can make it right? Please!" And them saying, "No, just never mind. Just forget it." Irredeemable. I really have to be careful with myself in sp/sx...I have strong self-destruct tendencies. I'm not always good at seeing when too far is way too far because it's "good pain" at that time and I kinda need it. It would really be better for me to learn how to associate loving myself and treating myself gently as a good thing.

    Ooh...forgot about my 3-wing. I am really good at projecting personas. It costs me lots of energy so I can't keep it up for long. I do it to keep people away from me and to influence how they see me. I don't see this as being fake...those personas are "me" but I make them more 'solid' for those moments.

  2. #22
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    That is some tough stuff. May i offer a ?

    Thanks for sharing all that.
    Ni/Ti/Fe/Si
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    ~Torah observant, Christ inspired~
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    The more one loves God, the more it is that having nothing in the world means everything, and the less one loves God, the more it is that having everything in the world means nothing.

    Do not resist an evil person, but to him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer also the other. ~Matthew 5:39

    songofmary.wordpress.com


  3. #23
    climb on Showbread's Avatar
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    I don't really relate to any of those scenarios, except maybe for enneagram 7.

    My mom is an INFJ 962, and my dad is an ESTJ 173. My brothers are INTJ 584 and INFP 49?.

    Mom: loving, unselfish, passive aggressive, very sensitive, patient, emotionally responsive

    Dad: Outgoing, business-oriented, adventurous, low emotional intelligence, consistent, black and white thinker

    I always felt appropriately responded to and secure in their affection/unconditional love. I don't remember ever feeling neglected or unimportant. I remember often feelings that they were unfair, they didn't always explain their reasons for making rules. I also had a tendency to get in trouble a lot, mostly for talking back, being a smart ass, bossing my brothers around. But looking back they were probably as fair as they really could have been considering they had to consider three different stories about the same fight and discipline accordingly.
    Friends, waffles, work

    "The problem is, when you depend on a substitute for love, you can never get enough" - Louis Cozolino

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  4. #24
    Senior Member Sanjuro's Avatar
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    I could tell this story forever.

    My mother: ISFJ 945 probably sp/sx.
    Father: ENTP 683 probably soc/sx
    Stepfather: INFP 926 soc/sp

    My father left when I was 3 and my mom married my stepfather who thus became my father figure.

    My stepfather tried studiously to avoid pissing off my real father by neglecting me, being mean to me, and otherwise cutting me out of the family. (Like rewarding my sister while leaving me out, punishing me for bullshit and letting her run wild. Buying her all sorts of expensive goodies and conveniently forgetting to buy me anything.) Because in his Te-inferior mind, this would mean that I wouldn't "bond" with him and therefore my father would never be pissed off at him. I'm not saying I was abused, I'm saying he treated me like an older brother (so hiding in my closet to scare me, whacking me with books when I misbehaved, making fun of me), except he was the father figure. So that didn't go over real well.

    My mom would always take his side, no matter how unfair he was being because she wanted to present a "unified front", and mainly I just got the idea from this that she didn't care about me. Like she recently said something to me about, "Didn't you know how pissed off I was at him?" and I was like, "What? You got angry at him, ever??" She was negligent at her worst, and just sort of politely tuned out at best. She was also determined that I should follow my Own Way. I think her parents quashed her creativity at an early age, and she didn't want that to happen to me. So my Ne ran wild, which was both good and bad.

    My real father would call sometimes, and my mother would tell him how happy I was (even though I was becoming progressively less happy in school, it was a lie) and my father would be too much of a coward to insert himself in a situation where something was clearly off. But dammit. He's given me a recap of everything that was ever "off" about the situation, from every year he ever met me. And his account would sound a lot more sinister than mine.

    And that was the dynamic.

    In my house, fighting was discouraged. Excitement was looked down on. They never went out and did anything, so my social skills and perspective suffered all the more. And I couldn't get angry, or my stepfather would mock and degrade me for it. I thought he was just invulnerable, but in retrospect, it unsettled him a lot and that was just the 9ish "denial" thing going on. I didn't make friends and I lost what little friends I had around the age of 12, so I spent a lot of time in my own room following my own projects since clearly no one my age wanted me around and my parents were boring and lame. The Final Fantasy series pretty much saved me during high school.

    I'm not saying it was "bad", but I just get pissed off when writing about it. They're a major part of the reason I spent years unable to figure my type out, actually.

    The main thing I got from my mom and stepdad was the sense that if someone gets angry at me, it's the end of the whole world, ever; I have pushed WAY the hell beyond my boundaries and I am going to be obliterated, then permanently ostracised from society. Because that was what anger meant to them. I never got to watch conflict resolution, because conflict was taboo. I sort of under- and over-estimate the power of anger, at the same time. It was like living in China: "WE ARE A HARMONIOUS SOCIETY", and everyone not living in China is just like...Yeeeahhhh...

    Also, a complete inability to navigate my own life, but let's not get into that one.

    It's funny, because even though I was raised like that (and there is a lot more to all the ways they influenced me, but that's just a recap), they ultimately didn't influence me on a really deep level. It didn't alter who I was.

    Ultimately, I can't stand living in the American suburbs. I don't really value peace and complacency, and 20 years living with them couldn't change that. I still have my temper, no matter how inappropriate it was to express it. I watch the news, even if they don't care; I've been involved in climate change efforts even if they're too selfish to realize what they're doing. I still care about things, no matter how many times they tried to convince me that nothing mattered. I basically got my biological father's personality, thank god, along with his cognitive functions, Si-neuroses and inability to take care of self. Thank god I didn't get his anxiety.

    All right, sorry if that sounds bitter or something, but I'm heavily pissed off at them right now. And, it's all true.

  5. #25
    Paranoid Android Video's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sanjuro View Post
    In my house, fighting was discouraged. Excitement was looked down on. They never went out and did anything, so my social skills and perspective suffered all the more. And I couldn't get angry, or my stepfather would mock and degrade me for it. I thought he was just invulnerable, but in retrospect, it unsettled him a lot and that was just the 9ish "denial" thing going on. I didn't make friends and I lost what little friends I had around the age of 12, so I spent a lot of time in my own room following my own projects since clearly no one my age wanted me around and my parents were boring and lame. The Final Fantasy series pretty much saved me during high school.

    I'm not saying it was "bad", but I just get pissed off when writing about it. They're a major part of the reason I spent years unable to figure my type out, actually.

    The main thing I got from my mom and stepdad was the sense that if someone gets angry at me, it's the end of the whole world, ever; I have pushed WAY the hell beyond my boundaries and I am going to be obliterated, then permanently ostracised from society. Because that was what anger meant to them. I never got to watch conflict resolution, because conflict was taboo. I sort of under- and over-estimate the power of anger, at the same time. It was like living in China: "WE ARE A HARMONIOUS SOCIETY", and everyone not living in China is just like...Yeeeahhhh...
    I'm going to have to give the thread my full contribution later. However, I relate to this segment a hell of a lot.
    4w3 6w5 1w2 sx/sp ISFP

    RLOAX (don't do it)
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    A lonely island where only what is permitted to move moves, becomes an ideal. Jung

    Kiss Kiss [johari] Bang Bang [nohari]
    Likes Sanjuro liked this post

  6. #26
    Junior Member _wild_o'herring_'s Avatar
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    I grew with only a mom and so the absence of a father made me have to be tougher and more objective even though I'm a very subjective person. My mom has always had my best interests at heart but was too controlling and so I distanced myself and became even more introverted. My grandparents were there from when I was 2-8 because we had no where to go. And so growing up in a completely Asian household and family just made a bigger shadow to live in, causing me to become quite rebellious, wanting to be anything but what my family wanted. As an INFP my grandparents and mothers nurture tactics of criticism to do better than a good job, and judgments of other people really hurt me and I grew to resent them for quite a few years. My brother used to beat me when my mom wasn't home and would be less rough when they were around, normally brotherly love is understandable but with my personality it made my heart hurt and so I'm mainly a pacifist now. But for a while I wanted to make others feel my pain, then I discovered MBTI and it brought to light the fact that non-infps would not deal well with that much suffering in silence. So altogether my family experience has helped to shape my kindness and compassion to its fullest and also the darker sides of me became more apparent. Unfortunately people make me anxious and I've dropped out of school, and I can't go back until I do outreach work. Its real hard when my family still criticizes me for my mistakes

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