Mama was a ENFJ 2w3. She had had a bad hard life as a child but she was proud...very proud. Stuffed full of pride on how awesome she was. Beautiful, polished, intelligent, and sophisticated that was her and she didn't miss any opportunity to show it to people. Pressure to perform was there and there was no affection without performance. I only felt visible to her because I looked just like her but different. My mother was thrilled with how I looked. I had very long, thick red hair, copper-skin...a true Redbone. I got attention and was stared at everywhere we went. She loved it and was so proud of this exotic-looking daughter. I hated it and wished to be invisible. She tried to doll me up (my aunts too) and I would deliberately sabotage it...refuse to perform...then regret it and try to please her because that was the only way to get her attention. All the other things that I thought were neat about myself...she knocked aside or ignored. As I grew older, I couldn't keep up 'living doll' stuff anymore so I got my wish. I disappeared and was invisible to her. I could feel her disappointment and disgust with me. You could cut the fucking air with it. She never said anything but she was an artist at controlling the emotional atmosphere. Even now, I'm way to damn sensitive to people's moods even though they haven't said a word...my ex used to manipulate the hell out of me with this.
When I was a teen, she became an alcoholic. I ended up raising myself. I did a really shitty job.
My dad was a ISTx 6w5. Cold, manipulative, passive-aggressive, and abusive. I didn't really talk to him or have a conversation with him until I was close to adulthood. If I tried, he wouldn't reply or would just push me aside. He didn't like me. He didn't like the way I looked. He'd ask my mother, "Why does she look like that?" Stupid question with all the Melungeon/Redbone ancestry on his side...in any case he didn't like it. It was just something to put her down with...trying to insinuate that I was a cuckoo in the nest. A really fucking nasty thing to hint at. But he said it in front of me. So...I felt ugly sometimes looking like I do. Ashamed like it was totally and completely my fault. I just wished he wasn't around. I hated how my mother jumped through hoops trying to please him and how nothing she did was never enough (and wow oh wow...I ended up being the same way!).
I think between the both of them, I felt like I wasn't worth the trouble of raising. Easily forgotten. That is what stands out in my mind the most--easily forgotten. I felt that I could be discarded at any time. I used to have terrible separation anxiety attacks when I was very young thinking that Mama would not come home. I would pace and cry. Call my grandmother and my aunties looking for her. She ridiculed me for this, so I stuck to my sister as a surrogate. She spoiled me and treated me like a small queen. I got what I wanted and was super-privileged. All the things I wanted from Mama, I got from my oldest sister instead. And then one day it was abruptly over because she got married. That was such a terrible blow to me that I never wanted to care about or be deeply attached to anyone ever again. Something broke inside (again).
As I got older, I had to learn to care for myself in everything. My parents weren't there--physically or emotionally either through not being at home or because of being passed out from drinking. That hurt really bad but I didn't really let myself think too much about the emotional part. Things were too gritty and I was too busy covering my ass working almost 40 hours a week and trying to finish high-school. Our house was literally falling apart and I was often sick and didn't know what to do about it. I got in a lot of trouble then, too...crazy, bad times.
I think the whole 4 sp/sx shows up in me from the both of them not seeing me. I could have been anyone. Any child. Not only that, I felt like I had made some sort of mistake or that I was flawed in some way that made me unacceptable. And whatever it was, it wasn't even worth their time or trouble to tell me. So not worth it at all. Me going, "What!? What is it? Will you tell me so I can do better? So I can make it right? Please!" And them saying, "No, just never mind. Just forget it." Irredeemable. I really have to be careful with myself in sp/sx...I have strong self-destruct tendencies. I'm not always good at seeing when too far is way too far because it's "good pain" at that time and I kinda need it. It would really be better for me to learn how to associate loving myself and treating myself gently as a good thing.
Ooh...forgot about my 3-wing. I am really good at projecting personas. It costs me lots of energy so I can't keep it up for long. I do it to keep people away from me and to influence how they see me. I don't see this as being fake...those personas are "me" but I make them more 'solid' for those moments.