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Thread: How Parent Types Contribute To Child Types

  1. #11
    Senior Member Array riva's Avatar
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    Jun 2014


    I would have prefered he beat me up like a big brother is supposed to.
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  2. #12
    Member Array Evastover's Avatar
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    Jan 2015
    2 sp/sx
    INFj Fi


    Welp, both my parents test as INTJ's, but my father is very outwardly affectionate, very silly, sometimes reckless, generally cheerful, diplomatic, energetic... He acts like an INTJ sometimes, but not really...? Maybe I'm just stereotyping here. To be honest, I'm not sure about my mother either.

    I'm going to guess INTJ Mum and ENTP Dad.

    My Mum (the Bad Cop)

    My mother has tried to fashion me into a ruthless, pragmatic dictator but alas, I'm too soft ;_; She tells me I need to stop being such a "damn Pollyana" all the time. We've had a very rocky relationship for the past decade or so. She's pretty controlling, but very willing to go against any pre-conceived societal rules. My mom's a total badass. She probably passed on to me the "I'm-Not-Giving-Up-Till-I'm-Dead" attitude, which has been pretty useful. Only downsides are that she angers pretty easily and it's hard to get her to see another person's perspective sometimes- but she's become more flexible, less high-strung as she's gotten older. I've had to prove to her that no, I'm not an idiot, just a stubborn optimist. I value her practicality. The bad times are pretty bad, but overall I'd say that we get along pretty well.

    My Dad (the Good Cop)

    hehe... my dad and I should have our own talk show. Whereas I try to be a sensitive listener around my mum, I banter back and forth with my father all the time. I probably got my great speaking ability from him. He's generally well-liked by everyone and pretty easy-going. At the same time, he's not very emotional. He's quite positive and uplifting unless he's under a lot of stress. I've heard stories of him being an insensitive asshole before I was born, but I have yet to be privy to that. Well sure, he's been insensitive at times but it's more out of a refusal to get worked up about something. Downsides are that he can be pretty lazy and not as responsible as my mother.

    Good Cop/Bad Cop Situation

    I realize that I tend to paint my father in a more positive light, but it's been my mother that's had to do the hardest work in raising me. She's the one that's advocated for the expenses in lessons and clubs. She's the one who spent every day with me while my dad was away for months or years at a time. She's the one who cooked my meals, made sure I didn't look homeless, and drove me to keep going and be a better person when I would have rather given up on life. I resented her when I was younger, but I didn't realize at the time just how much she did for me behind the scenes. She did things ten years ago that I'm still reaping the benefits for today. She's didn't always give me what I wanted, but I've always had what I needed.

    How I Turned Out Because of Them

    Both my parents are pretty intellectual and, while I'd like to think I've inherited that quality to some degree, I'm more of a save-the-world kind of person. I'm focused on helping people whereas they were more "this is what I want and what will be of most logical benefit, and this is how I'm going to get it". I'm pretty goal-oriented myself, but with different goals. Neither of them give a shit about being normal or following tradition/preconceived notions which is awesome.

    I think my parents are cooler than I am D:
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  3. #13
    The Dark Lord Array The Wailing Specter's Avatar
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    Jun 2013
    6w7 sp/so
    INFp Ni


    Quote Originally Posted by johnnyyukon View Post
    Dad, ISTJ

    Cold, emotionless, insensitive, controlling, narcissistic (seriously, may be diagnosable), Doctor with a God complex, is always right, never said "I'm sorry" SUPER religious/self-righteous.

    Basically, an asshole.

    But I wouldn't say horrible person. He ruled the family with a very traditional patriarchal, Jesus is the answer to everything fist, but he provided for us very well (mom, sister, brother, me) but didn't raise his kids. He didn't have the slightest clue how.

    Mom, ISFJ

    Meek, timid, pushover, at times, totally emotionally insane (but rare).

    Also loving, understanding, and very perceptive. Unfortunately she didn't act on many of these skills. Is about as assertive as a mouse. I am the baby of the family, so she spoiled me when my dad wasn't looking. Probably where a lot of my entitlement issues developed.

    I think if my dad hadn't been around, we would have been closer (we are now). They almost got a divorce when I was 16 and I was rooting for it. Oh well.

    It's worth mentioning my siblings.

    Brother, INTJ, hand surgeon. A lot like my father when we were young. He too was emotionally invisible, basically ignored my existence, zero relationship (that's changed). I would have prefered he beat me up like a big brother is supposed to.

    Sister, I wanna say same as my mom, ISFJ. She was a bitch (still kind of is) and would torment me every chance she could. Anything to get under my skin, and she was quite successful up until around 12 when she (16) got a life.

    So baptist church 3 times a week, Sunday, Sunday night choir, Wednesday Youth Group. Though the last 2 were most of the time, Sunday morning was mandatory, no exceptions unless I was dying. No TV on Sundays. Other than maybe a dozen or so times I was sick, I think it's possible I didn't miss a single day of church from the time I can remember going until I turned 18.

    I fucking hated it. Even at 9, I remember asking my mom how we knew God was real or if Christianity was the "right one." She said something like, "Because it just is!!"

    ENTPs in this environment are stifled.

    I fucking went to church, but as soon as I could drive, 16, I was getting away and hanging out with my liberal, progressive friends, getting drunk every other weekend. Chasing girls.

    My dad still talks about how rebellious I was. Relative to him, I was, but my friends were doing the same stuff and their parents understood, more or less, it was part of being a teenager. But my dad's attempt at controlling me definitely fueled it more.

    All my friends were "sinful" even though today almost all of them are very successful. Lawyers, filmaker, teachers, musicians, professors. We were the "smart" kind-of cool kids. But they were naughty naughty non-christians.

    Anyway, in this environment, I learned to buck any and all authority, something I think I am naturally inclined towards anyway. Like @small.wonder, I came to abhor arrogance and huge egos, flattening them whenever they cramp my style. All that time in the household with no one but myself, I learned to be comfortable alone, and would draw or make videos, play with legos for hours, read, huge imagination. I think that's one reason I'm so fiercely independent. Not really relying or depending on anyone but myself. Definitely not always a good thing.

    I had niceties and college paid for, but I had to teach myself about the world, about women, about how to be a man, everything basically. Still learning. Though I didn't respect authority, I was a collector of father figures, whether older or even my friends. Even today. If someone can teach me something.

    Also, being so sheltered and constricted for so long, after 18 years, my prison sentence was up, so I became pretty curious and bold about anything and everything in the world, all the while not giving a single fuck what people thought about me. Approval was something I never got (instead hyper criticism), so I adapted to it.

    Hmmmmm....yeah I think that's all the self-psychoanalysis I got for now, ha.

    btw, I'm not bitter towards anyone in my family. They just were who they were. I used to be, but it really serves no purpose.

    edit: also not bitter towards religion or religious people, though again, used to be.
    I was sweet and submissive until about 2 years ago, then
    Enneagram: 6w7 (phobic) > 2w1 > 9w1
    Alignment: Neutral Good
    Holland Code: AIS
    Date of Birth: March 15, 1996
    Gender: Male
    Political Stance: Libertarian Liberal (Arizona School/Strong BHL)

    I say this as a reminder to myself, but this goes for everyone:

    You can achieve anything you set your mind to, and you are limited only by how dedicated you are to succeed!

    -Magic Qwan
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  4. #14
    Paragon Gone Wrong Array OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Mar 2009
    4w5 sp/sx
    IEI Ni


    My dad is ENTP 7w8 and left when I was 2. His priority in life was music. While he is very outgoing socially, he is very self-absorbed and did the bare minimum for us growing up. He generally is focused on his creative projects and socializing with friends. He is not a family oriented person and tends to fulfill basic obligations and that is all. I'm pretty sure that was one major source of incompatibility with my ISFJ mother. He wasn't bad to us, but he never took much interest in us. He regarded me as smart in a bookish way and has always sort of respected me as a fellow creative. He has almost always spoken to me as a peer.

    As far as his influence, I know I internalized a feeling of not being important enough for my dad to stick around or take an interest in. I know I have "abandonment" issues, as far as feeling people won't stick around because I am not important to them as they are to me. I would often interpret any end to a relationship that way. What's interesting is I could tell these people regarded me as extraordinary, such as my dad always noting my books smarts and artistic talent, but they still seemed dismissive of me. This creates a weird message that you are "different" but not particularly likable or important to people.

    My mom is ISFJ 6w7 sp/so, and I initially mistyped her as a 2. She can seem ambiverted, like many 6w7s, but she also had a certain preoccupation with her own inner world when we were growing up. She could be a smothering mother, but at least she took an intense interest in us. Her preoccupation with her own fears, especially those of being without support, could make her unaware of other people's internal states. I've noticed with people like her, a lot of the nurturing they do is more about securing their relationship with you and less so an understanding of what you need or want. Hence, the tendency to be intrusive yet oblivious to some things. I felt simultaneously smothered and alienated. I was heavily misunderstood, and both my e6 mom and e2 ESFJ grandma would project their insecurities onto me - that I was cold and prickly. Really, they were insecure and needed too much reassurance and attention. I sometimes felt ganged up on by my mom and sister, who had great difficultly in understanding my perspective and were eager to dismiss me as cold and argumentative. My ESFP e7w6 sister and ESFJ e2 grandma were heavily critical of my personality because I was not warm and outgoing. My sister would tell me I was an ugly person on the inside and that no one liked me; she admits as an adult that she was being manipulative. She still doesn't like to admit she can be a bully and will try to attack people's insecurities, because she always thinks she is a positive force and others are just raining on her parade. My tendency towards being cerebral and analytical can strike her as so "not fun" as to be negative and even hostile. Strangely, she is the one who will get very angry if I approach anything from a theoretical stance. Yet, she will project that onto me, as if I am being disagreeable.

    My ESFP sister was very social and charming and my mom greatly admired her for that, but she was also less principled, and my mom seems to respect me more for my consistency. Both of us would claim the other was the favorite, although there was no outright competition between us as sisters. My sister demanded a lot of attention and my mom gave it to her, and as an adult, my mom actually apologized to me and acknowledged I was ignored a bit. However I think my mom probably did try to ask me about my school day, but I likely didn't say much, whereas my sister was happy to unfold some social drama for her. My mom probably didn't realize I'd prefer to talk about my creative projects and things I had read. Or often my communication style was deemed argumentative, because I'd want to analyze things and this was seen as unpleasant. So I felt like I was both smothered and put upon at times emotionally, yet my actual needs were things others were unwilling to meet (ie intellectual stimulation, valuing of my strengths as an individual). I took refuge in books and music and the fantasy life. I'd usually have a best friend in which there was a mutual obsession and I'd bring them into my fantasy worlds.

    I was told a lot growing up that I was smart, talented, and also strange. I was compared heavily to my INTP uncle and somewhat to my INFJ aunt. Obviously I internalized that as an identity. Even though I heard a lot of positive feedback concerning me being intellectual, artistic, and very much an individual, it seemed like it was valued far less than being warm, outgoing, and nurturing like an SF woman. So the basic message I got from all around was, "You are kind of talented and strange, but this is not that interesting or valuable to us, so we will largely ignore you unless we need something from you emotionally or feel some obligation towards you."

    I definitely did not feel truly "seen" as a child. I wanted to be seen, but I felt ashamed of myself at the same time, and it made me feel needy, which I rejected. I had a sense of life being demanding but delivering up unsatisfying mediocrity, and that's what my SF family kind of created as far as the emotional dynamic.
    Last edited by OrangeAppled; 02-01-2015 at 01:41 AM. Reason: Typos
    "Charlotte sometimes dreams a wall around herself. But it's always with love - So much love it looks like everything else. Charlotte Sometimes - So far away, glass sealed and pretty." - The Cure

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx - 451| RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive
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  5. #15
    Post Human Post Array Qlip's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
    4w5 sp/sx


    My mother was a 7w8, and my father was a 9w1. This maybe contributed to my enneatype, but so much more was involved. She's a narcissist and has little regard for people other than what they do for her. My father was very tired, he worked a lot to pay for the things my mother wanted and was mostly absent from the managing of day to day life. I was born 5 of 6 with a very strange familial inheritance.

    My father was tired, I was an answer to my mother's boredom and not long after I was born there was a death in my family, I lost my next oldest brother in a car accident as a result of one of my older brother's choices as a result of my mother's neglect, as far as I could make out. I'm not sure what it was like before, but after that everything was definitely broken.

    Formatively I was an only child, my older siblings left the house ASAP to flee the situation. I was doted on in whimsy, and left to my own devices the rest of the time. There was a disconnect between being scolded and punished for being home an hour late, and being completely forgotten to be picked up from school and walking home to a locked house. Both happened often.

    There was also a tension with the church my mother joined as a result of the accident. My father reluctantly participated in it. It was an extension of my family, a kind of control mechanism and support system for my mother. I was always a sinner and a bad influence. I didn't know how, and couldn't possibly be everything the church Elders wanted from me. But I desperately wanted to be right with God.

    At 6 I got myself a little bro. We grew up nearly feral and wore suits on Sundays.

    I suppose the 4, according to mentioned ennea-development came from desiring attention from absent parents. E4's have some very interesting diversity in behavior between instinctual stackings, and my own makes sense in my environment. I'm sp/sx, I had to essentially protect myself from my source of desired attention. It explains a lot.
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  6. #16
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    My father is a 6w5 ESTJ so/sp
    My mother is a 9w1 ENFP sp/sx. (It seemed)

    I am an INFJ 6w5, sp/so

    How they develop my ennea?


    My father is a hard, hard, paranoid man. He constantly worry; as much as he often trusted people around him when it comes to nonprivate things.

    He was also very diligent. Very hardworking, and taught me the values of perspective.

    He was also, very....devastating once he got angry.

    Add that with my mother's emotional nature; the type that will cry and moan about how we all hate her and wanted her to suffer.

    So I think while I got my 6ness from my father, it got refined and deepened by the way I reacted to my parents and wished for and at the same time, pleasures (food, toys).

    I have been scolded, punished, blamed by both parents, and the fear and the guilt made me very aware.

  7. #17
    Senior Member Array pinkgraffiti's Avatar
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    Mar 2011
    748 sx/so


    yeah. i have an ENFJ mum 2wsomething and INTJ father 5w6 probably. I felt a lot of control and determination, both being judgers. That was the main thing. From my mom I felt suppression of my own feelings (her being Fe-dom). from my father i felt aggression and precision. maybe that lead me to be an ENFP.

  8. #18
    So she did. Array small.wonder's Avatar
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    @johnnyyukon Re, the parent types thread: I think it's fascinating that your parents sound so similar to mine, yet we are such opposite types (with much commonality, I must acknowledge though). The only difference is that my Dad is ISTP and doesn't really acknowledge God (he kind of is his own god). Also, my Mom is ESFP but meets the description you gave of your Mom pretty well.

    I'm sorry you had religiosity so stuffed down your throat, that is not okay and not what God desires for us. He wants us to choose a relationship with him willingly, hence free will. Anyone who says otherwise is a total hypocrite, and is choosing to live under the Law that Christ's blood has satisfied and freed us from.

    I know you've said in the past you aren't super into the Enneagram, but I think you may have a 4 fix.
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  9. #19
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    My mom's an ESFJ 2w1 (sp/so or social-first) and my dad's an INFJ 5w6 so/sp (so>>>>sp). They were/are very attentive and affirming, for the most part. Both in Christian ministry. What they share is a lack of attention to their own feelings and instincts. My mom denies her needs, and my dad minimizes his; my mom's get buried under over-involvement with others, while my dad's are overshadowed by intellectually engaging projects (always meant to "serve the common good" -- obvious 1 fix). I think seeing my parents get taken advantage of so much has reinforced the importance I've always placed on personal boundaries and emotional awareness. I'm probably just as people-oriented as they are, but I have less interest in group engagement and compliance to conventions (so-2, phobic so-6 wing). I don't think either of those things are inherently bad. They just don't work for me. I realize this all might sound critical, but I really do admire and love them both... I'd like to be much more politically and socially involved and I'm glad for the examples they've set for me.

    There are major differences between so/sp and sp/so 5s, let me tell you. (In our case, it's compounded by / mixed up in INFJ/INFP stuff.) I remember asking my dad when I was probably 8 why he was so formal -- why he used such a different register in public than with us kids. It's always seemed so artificial and cold to me; I don't want to say that I'm any more "authentic", but I do see myself as being warmer and more direct. His manner of speaking reminds me of Obama's. Can't listen to so/sp compliance types talk for long in public settings, it's so grating to me. I also see him as being more decisive and assertive (at this phase of his life, at least) in social situations. He feels more pressure to come across as knowledgeable and competent. Whereas I'm content to sit back and take as long as I want to process things and reach conclusions, even if it doesn't reflect that well on me. (And isn't very helpful.) My dad's connection to so-8 has really strengthened in the past few years.

    Got a little off-track, sorry. So, my brother was born three years after me, and his disabilities have been apparent since I was 5 or 6. He has severe cognitive problems, had serious sensory issues (i.e. couldn't feel pain) in early childhood, and had dozens of seizures every day from late 2006 - early 2012. I've definitely always minimized/hidden my needs out of sensitivity to all that my parents have had to deal with. Also, my brother is most likely an ESFP 7w6. Being very uninhibited, the whole gluttony thing has always been obvious... He wants constant stimulation, and if he doesn't get what he wants, he will react with emotional and physical violence. He can be extremely friendly and loves meeting new people, but he's far from empathetic. I don't completely understand how I've dealt with this as a 5, but as an Fi-dom, you can understand how it's been rough on me. (I mean, obviously, it'd be rough on anyone. But you know what I mean.) I guess it's made me more giving and sensitive to others' feelings; I feel like I need to compensate, especially with my parents, for his selfishness. I'm without a doubt a sp-5, but I don't relate that much to the material stinginess often attributed the type. The dimensions of my avarice are much more interpersonal/spatial? than material.

    My mom's emotional expressiveness and involvement has often felt like too much for as long as I can remember. Probably made me more withdrawn, to be honest. I think it has a lot to do with Fe v Fi too. Might explain more later.

  10. #20
    Male Array johnnyyukon's Avatar
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    7w8 sx/sp


    Quote Originally Posted by small.wonder View Post
    @johnnyyukon Re, the parent types thread: I think it's fascinating that your parents sound so similar to mine, yet we are such opposite types (with much commonality, I must acknowledge though). The only difference is that my Dad is ISTP and doesn't really acknowledge God (he kind of is his own god). Also, my Mom is ESFP but meets the description you gave of your Mom pretty well.

    I'm sorry you had religiosity so stuffed down your throat, that is not okay and not what God desires for us. He wants us to choose a relationship with him willingly, hence free will. Anyone who says otherwise is a total hypocrite, and is choosing to live under the Law that Christ's blood has satisfied and freed us from.

    I know you've said in the past you aren't super into the Enneagram, but I think you may have a 4 fix.
    Well I think parents can definitely have an effect on your personality, and behaviour, I think the core personality is pretty fixed. Just personality in general.

    Like levels of independence (amongst many things) being largely determined by your upbringing and relationships. I'm very independent, and often times somewhat isolated, because I just learned to not rely on people (of course I do call people up when I need it now). That can be ok for some types, I think, but for me, it's a really bad combination because without a lot of stimulation from people, I become ungrounded.

    Yeah, your mom and dad sound like they have similarities for sure. "loved me with money" ha, that's kind of what it was for me.

    No worries about the religion stuff. And I agree, shoving it is only going to make that person cough it back up. It's more or less brainwashing at that intensity, IMO. (strangely I still pray sometimes, and find the Bible actually does have some wisdom).

    To be fair, for the most part, my mom didn't obsess over religion near as much as my dad. Even today, she doesn't even bring it up. I don't think she agrees deep down, but she still accepts me.

    The 4 huh? Sounds like they have issues with identity and significance and must be unique. Correct me if I'm wrong, and also like to hear what you mean if you feel like it (here or elsewhere). But I'm pretty confident with who I am. From what I read though, I definitely have phases of pity parties, ha, and wondering what the heck my purpose is, but when I'm healthy, I don't give those things much thought.

    Interesting (and confusing sometimes!) though.

    Kind of goes back to who one is at their core vs. their behavioural tendencies that were formed in their more vestal, childhood years.
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