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  1. #21
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thoughtlost View Post
    Yeah, I mean, I do not do that with everyone ever. A lot of the time, I REALLY look like I am agreeing when I am actually really disengaged/don't appreciate the person's stance.
    I actually feel like I am NOT that good at repression like the descriptions say about 9s...
    Right now, I wish I was better at it for the sake of the person I want to be close to.
    Why? Why do you want to be close to a person you can't talk to, wh defects your concerns and basically sounds like someone no one wants to be around. I'm not a 9 but I'm married to one and when they have had enough of someone they have had enough. It's getting there that is the issue. Don't repress and don't do that 9 yeah yeah right right when you're disengaging. Say so.
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  2. #22
    Senior Member Ene's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thoughtlost View Post
    hhmmm interesting. For me (not sure of my type), I can't just simply walk away... I mean, relationships do die because I have physically moved (like moving from state to state) in my past
    or things fizzle away because I was never really 10000% percent interested in the first place (although I do seem enthusiastic when I talk to people and I llloooovvveee listening to people), so it is usually very easy for external situations to cause me to lose contact.

    BUT ...but when I do care... it's emotional intense (for me at least). I do not feel like I quietly walk away.


    So, sure, I do not stay in touch in general... but it's not because I am overloading myself (I don't even know what overloading myself means).... idk how to describe it at all...

    Edit:: I think my confusion lies with the fact that it sounds so rational when you explain it Ene...
    And then when highlander explains it, it sounds as if type 9s are simply distracted because they were too busy with reality (jobs, family, ....random things). So it doesn't match with my experience.
    I don't know that I've always been able to do it, but in some situations, it has been a choice I've made.
    A student said to his master: "You teach me fighting, but you talk about peace. How do you reconcile the two?" The master replied: "It is better to be a warrior in a garden than to be a gardener in a war." - unknown/Chinese

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  3. #23
    Honeyed Water thoughtlost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ene View Post
    I don't know that I've always been able to do it, but in some situations, it has been a choice I've made.
    Ah, I see.

    Well, I guess my final answer to that is: I cannot walk away if I was never there to begin with...
    You are so arbitrary.

  4. #24
    Honeyed Water thoughtlost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    Why? Why do you want to be close to a person you can't talk to, wh defects your concerns and basically sounds like someone no one wants to be around. I'm not a 9 but I'm married to one and when they have had enough of someone they have had enough. It's getting there that is the issue. Don't repress and don't do that 9 yeah yeah right right when you're disengaging. Say so.
    hhhmm... well, in this experience, maybe I should be done (although I do not want to).
    And I do say "no" ...I just don't feel as if I do it properly.

    idk... I just haven't figured this out enough for me to come up with a satisfying response to my situation, so I do not feel guilty.
    You are so arbitrary.

  5. #25
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thoughtlost View Post
    So how exactly does the nine shut down communication?
    Avoiding talking about issues that cause conflict, being peaceful and positive instead of honest, or simply not speaking at all. I think it is even possible for a nine to convince themselves that they feel peaceful and positive in a problematic situation that does bother them deep down.
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  6. #26
    A Gentle Whisper ~MS*ANGEL~'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    Avoiding talking about issues that cause conflict, being peaceful and positive instead of honest, or simply not speaking at all. I think it is even possible for a nine to convince themselves that they feel peaceful and positive in a problematic situation that does bother them deep down.
    That bolded statement sounds quite accurate, at least in my case sometimes.
    Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible... and then some.

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  7. #27
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    Inattention. Failure to stay in touch. Overloading themselves with activities and tasks they are doing for strangers.
    Those first two, for me the latter would be staying away from people out of fear of obligations or pressure being pushed on me and not wanting to assert my boundaries all the time as it feels draining to do so.

    The big thing is withdrawal though, it's my default stress reaction and the last thing I would do is reach out to others when in that place, even if I want company. All this can appear to be distant and uncommitted to a friendship, and in a way it is, only the reasons others would presume it's based on are incorrect, a large part of it is my So dom aspect of 9, wanting to connect with a group of friends yet not feeling I do, so I push away to avoid feeling disconnected and out-of-place. So 9s often react to feeling overlooked by going silent, people can take that as lack of interest.
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  8. #28
    Honeyed Water thoughtlost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kasper View Post
    Those first two, for me the latter would be staying away from people out of fear of obligations or pressure being pushed on me and not wanting to assert my boundaries all the time as it feels draining to do so.

    The big thing is withdrawal though, it's my default stress reaction and the last thing I would do is reach out to others when in that place, even if I want company. All this can appear to be distant and uncommitted to a friendship, and in a way it is, only the reasons others would presume it's based on are incorrect, a large part of it is my So dom aspect of 9, wanting to connect with a group of friends yet not feeling I do, so I push away to avoid feeling disconnected and out-of-place. So 9s often react to feeling overlooked by going silent, people can take that as lack of interest.
    I am not sure if I am a 9 (and maybe I misunderstand you, Kasper), but yes. Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes.... YES. *sips tea* I could not relate to the "overloading themselves with activities and tasks they are doing for strangers/people" part.
    I know that I ignore people, all together, no matter who you are. No matter how lovely you are. Of course, you can come up to me and I will talk to you/help you with homework/go to the mall with you... but only if YOU ask little ole' me.

    I also want to avoid feeling like I won't be able to get what I want from a relationship/connection with people. So if I avoid the connection all together, then I do not have to worry because I never had it in the first place.
    You are so arbitrary.

  9. #29
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kasper View Post
    Those first two, for me the latter would be staying away from people out of fear of obligations or pressure being pushed on me and not wanting to assert my boundaries all the time as it feels draining to do so.

    The big thing is withdrawal though, it's my default stress reaction and the last thing I would do is reach out to others when in that place, even if I want company. All this can appear to be distant and uncommitted to a friendship, and in a way it is, only the reasons others would presume it's based on are incorrect, a large part of it is my So dom aspect of 9, wanting to connect with a group of friends yet not feeling I do, so I push away to avoid feeling disconnected and out-of-place. So 9s often react to feeling overlooked by going silent, people can take that as lack of interest.
    I think the part you crossed out is more related to IxFJ. Maybe I'm venting...

    Very much agree with bolded part.

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  10. #30
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thoughtlost View Post
    I am not sure if I am a 9 (and maybe I misunderstand you, Kasper), but yes. Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes.... YES. *sips tea* I could not relate to the "overloading themselves with activities and tasks they are doing for strangers/people" part.
    I know that I ignore people, all together, no matter who you are. No matter how lovely you are. Of course, you can come up to me and I will talk to you/help you with homework/go to the mall with you... but only if YOU ask little ole' me.

    I also want to avoid feeling like I won't be able to get what I want from a relationship/connection with people. So if I avoid the connection all together, then I do not have to worry because I never had it in the first place.
    Mmmyup.

    I get what Highlander means with the comment, it's about access, if you're in my space and you want something and it doesn't put me out then I'll go above and beyond as I enjoy helping people and I can be somewhat indiscriminate about that as I presume good intention from people in the absence of reason to think otherwise, but as someone mentioned earlier the giving others what they need can build resentment over time, it does has to be convenient for me.

    9s in general are very good at reading people, we have to be because we need to know how to stop conflict before it comes, it's part of the 9 deal; we can easily understand others and the cost is giving up our own needs. We have a tendency to want others to treat us the way we treat people, which seems to be an unfair expectation because people don't have the same focus as us or see what we need without our stating, so we get resentful as we notice that we are giving them what they need and they aren't intuiting what we want in return to take care of our needs, and it starts to feel like we are always giving and being stretched too thin. Of course the issue is we never state this so people do not know. Hence the comment that getting away from people is a way to escape this feeling without always feeling like I need to be asserting myself, which feels invasive to me.

    9s typically aren't the type to go over the top (or more specifically; out of their way) to placidate and assist others, we are more non-committal than that, helping others isn't our aim, it's attempting to give people what they want from us so we can be accepted.

    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    I think the part you crossed out is more related to IxFJ. Maybe I'm venting...

    Very much agree with bolded part.
    I can see how others may get that view from 9s, only we just don't care enough, we aren't invested enough, and it's to our detriment much of the time when it comes to building strong bonds. When someone comes along that I click with I really try, however I really do need them to keep putting out the signals that they want me around (without being demanding) or I'll back off and question if they want me for me as opposed to how I can help them feel. I don't think 9s are the most confident type when it comes to interpersonal relationships. People like me, I've no doubt, but I don't expect them to care that much, and that's the sticking point, I deal with that by withdrawing. It's like a test that most will fail. So in 9 style, I don't invest in most people, I keep myself prepared for them to be uninterested.
    Likes highlander liked this post

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