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  1. #11
    Honeyed Water thoughtlost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morning Star View Post
    Aww it can be difficult when you feel more sympathy for the one who shared the same feelings you did, than for your best friend. Is there any way you could have both talked openly to each other about this?
    I don't know. I really hope so? I am not good at expressing myself, if I tried to make it more about myself that would be better than trying to mask my feelings.

    I think it is because I naturally feel fear that I would not be accepted for my point of view or understood because of it... that is what is getting it the way.

    ...idk if other 9s understand where I am coming from, though... idk if it is a 9 thing.
    You are so arbitrary.
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  2. #12
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thoughtlost View Post
    I do not think that there is a thread for this, so...
    Let's talk about how type 9s can use their powers to ruin friendships
    I would say the primary issue would be avoidance and shutting down communication. There can also be over-tolerance on the surface that gradually builds into resentment, leading to avoidance of the person. I suspect that in all but extreme cases, the break could be mended if the other person takes the initiative. The problem is that the 9 may not.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
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  3. #13
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    @thoughtlost have you read about 9s "merging" ?

    They can forget themselves and get lost in another person but then start to grow resentful abt it.

    I have been similarly dazzled/drawn in by a new friend's magnificence. It is a really fun and exciting feeling. But to go so far into it where we start to forget ourselves and our own feelings, that starts to be come really destructive and the friendship can begin to be unhealthy for both people. I was pretty angry and upset for a good couple months because of this friendship with this other person (who was also living in my apartment at this time) It was extremely imbalanced and was sucking the energy out of me.

    I wouldn't say it's ONLY you/your fault, but unfortunately you are the person you have most control over.

    Your job as a friend is not to be available whenever the other person wants yo, to know what she is feeling at all times and to sympathize unconditionally with her. Your job is to be yourself, your kind, thoughtful, fun self, and her job as your friend is to realize that you have needs and feelings of your own, to respect that.

    It's a good first step that you have talked with your friend and both know how the other feels.
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

  4. #14
    Honeyed Water thoughtlost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    @thoughtlost have you read about 9s "merging" ?

    They can forget themselves and get lost in another person but then start to grow resentful abt it.

    I have been similarly dazzled/drawn in by a new friend's magnificence. It is a really fun and exciting feeling. But to go so far into it where we start to forget ourselves and our own feelings, that starts to be come really destructive and the friendship can begin to be unhealthy for both people. I was pretty angry and upset for a good couple months because of this friendship with this other person (who was also living in my apartment at this time) It was extremely imbalanced and was sucking the energy out of me.

    I wouldn't say it's ONLY you/your fault, but unfortunately you are the person you have most control over.

    Your job as a friend is not to be available whenever the other person wants yo, to know what she is feeling at all times and to sympathize unconditionally with her. Your job is to be yourself, your kind, thoughtful, fun self, and her job as your friend is to realize that you have needs and feelings of your own, to respect that.

    It's a good first step that you have talked with your friend and both know how the other feels.
    ...buttheheartwantswhattheheartwants...

    loljkjkjk

    I guess I have read about merging... but for me, I really need examples to drive the point home... hearing about how it happens to 9 in a general fashion makes me think "that's not me, that would never happen ....I bet I am not even a 9!"

    And did I make you believe that we've talked about it?? woops lol.
    You are so arbitrary.

  5. #15
    Honeyed Water thoughtlost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    I would say the primary issue would be avoidance and shutting down communication. There can also be over-tolerance on the surface that gradually builds into resentment, leading to avoidance of the person. I suspect that in all but extreme cases, the break could be mended if the other person takes the initiative. The problem is that the 9 may not.
    So how exactly does the nine shut down communication?
    You are so arbitrary.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Ene's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    Inattention. Failure to stay in touch. Overloading themselves with activities and tasks they are doing for strangers.
    Absolutely agree with this and [as a 9] would add to it that there have been times when I deliberately, quietly walked away from friendships because they were too draining and leading me in a direction that was not right for my life.
    A student said to his master: "You teach me fighting, but you talk about peace. How do you reconcile the two?" The master replied: "It is better to be a warrior in a garden than to be a gardener in a war." - unknown/Chinese

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...=61024&page=14

  7. #17
    A Gentle Whisper ~MS*ANGEL~'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thoughtlost View Post
    I don't know. I really hope so? I am not good at expressing myself, if I tried to make it more about myself that would be better than trying to mask my feelings.

    I think it is because I naturally feel fear that I would not be accepted for my point of view or understood because of it... that is what is getting it the way.

    ...idk if other 9s understand where I am coming from, though... idk if it is a 9 thing.
    Ah, I see what you mean. I often worry about saying or doing something that will ruin my relationship with others, even if it's something that's true to my character. I suppose it's one thing that 9s tend to have in common, since we just want to get along with everyone, right?

    However, with that said, it's probably not healthy for us to repress our true selves like that, just to be liked by others - we not only cheat others in the process, but we cheat ourselves as well.
    Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible... and then some.

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  8. #18
    Honeyed Water thoughtlost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ene View Post
    Absolutely agree with this and [as a 9] would add to it that there have been times when I deliberately, quietly walked away from friendships because they were too draining and leading me in a direction that was not right for my life.
    hhmmm interesting. For me (not sure of my type), I can't just simply walk away... I mean, relationships do die because I have physically moved (like moving from state to state) in my past
    or things fizzle away because I was never really 10000% percent interested in the first place (although I do seem enthusiastic when I talk to people and I llloooovvveee listening to people), so it is usually very easy for external situations to cause me to lose contact.

    BUT ...but when I do care... it's emotional intense (for me at least). I do not feel like I quietly walk away.


    So, sure, I do not stay in touch in general... but it's not because I am overloading myself (I don't even know what overloading myself means).... idk how to describe it at all...

    Edit:: I think my confusion lies with the fact that it sounds so rational when you explain it Ene...
    And then when highlander explains it, it sounds as if type 9s are simply distracted because they were too busy with reality (jobs, family, ....random things). So it doesn't match with my experience.
    You are so arbitrary.

  9. #19
    Honeyed Water thoughtlost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morning Star View Post
    Ah, I see what you mean. I often worry about saying or doing something that will ruin my relationship with others, even if it's something that's true to my character. I suppose it's one thing that 9s tend to have in common, since we just want to get along with everyone, right?

    However, with that said, it's probably not healthy for us to repress our true selves like that, just to be liked by others - we not only cheat others in the process, but we cheat ourselves as well.
    Yeah, I mean, I do not do that with everyone ever. A lot of the time, I REALLY look like I am agreeing when I am actually really disengaged/don't appreciate the person's stance.
    I actually feel like I am NOT that good at repression like the descriptions say about 9s...
    Right now, I wish I was better at it for the sake of the person I want to be close to.
    You are so arbitrary.

  10. #20
    A Gentle Whisper ~MS*ANGEL~'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thoughtlost View Post
    Yeah, I mean, I do not do that with everyone ever. A lot of the time, I REALLY look like I am agreeing when I am actually really disengaged/don't appreciate the person's stance.
    I actually feel like I am NOT that good at repression like the descriptions say about 9s...
    Right now, I wish I was better at it for the sake of the person I want to be close to.
    Hmm... in that case, I would recommend you talk to her openly about it and calmly explain your POV. If she regards you well as a best friend, I'm sure she will understand. Two people who are that close can't remain upset with each other forever, after all.

    But the bottom line is, you do need to express yourself openly and take an active approach. I understand that it's tough, but ultimately it can be a liberating experience once you try, because what we need most of all is to be comfortable as ourselves (even while trying to be agreeable with others).
    Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible... and then some.

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